I suppose the way it starts is that my heart starts that magnet’s drift towards someone not exactly available, and because I’m a highly moral person, I ignore it, refuse to acknowledge it, build up walls around it hoping it can never find the light of day. But the moment I say to myself that I think I like this person, it’s like the mere acknowledgment suddenly gives it life–whereas once it was a possibility of real, my acknowledgment now makes it real. And then it becomes an active act of hiding it. Of dissolution of my own feeling.
The other day someone mentioned someone I know is another guy who’s going to be settling down soon. When I heard this, my heart skipped in panic. It was that moment I couldn’t deny it to myself, and in the same instance, I was terrified the person I was talking to knew it now, too. The truth was all over my reaction. And from that point forward, I ‘ve been lying myself, needing to do it so well in order to not complicate my life, that I’ll come to believe it to be the truth. I do not have these feelings.
Then again, sometimes if you suppress your feelings long enough, they do go away on their own. Chemistry often has a shelf life, even when not consummated.
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