Greetings from Florence
I’m writing from a hotel room in Florence, once again embarking on a post that will not be checked for typos until I return to the states in a few days. The mutiny of the Good Ship we-ain’t-eatin’-no-stinkin’-Chinese-food proved a success as our tour guide spent most of today on the phone with the LA office trying to get us decent plans for tomorrow night. This company has been cutting all kinds of corners so we’ll see what they pull out when they promised us something “trendier” to ring out oh-four.
As of my last post, here is a brief rundown of this trip:
-received a sweet email from my early-morn Swiss tour guide. It appears he’s found my website and found the pictures to be “strange or funny.” Maybe this was something that was lost in translation but it seems, he doesn’t know which. Even in Europe, I get the same reviews…
-no gym + 7 days of gluttony = so glad when my pants fit this morning.
-we visited Venice today which was quite an interesting city. I wish I had more time to just sit and ponder how the hell they constructed the city, since the buildings are built right up to the water’s edge. I know that city is sinking 2 ft. per year, but I wonder if at some point there was more dry land surrounding the water, or how they managed to lay the foundations to the structures. Many of the buildings dated back to the 16th century (I believe. According to the gondola rower with a thick Italian accent). All I could think about was how haunted the city must be. There were pigeons all over St. Marco Square, which is the center of town. For a few euros, you can buy a bag of corn kernels and they would eat them out of your hand, sometimes landing on your head, shoulders, etc. I quite enjoyed watching but didn’t want to participate. I prefer not to have a winged rat shit on me. We took a gondola ride and saw Marco Polo and Casanova’s houses. I think people live in there now. I think that’s so strange, to be living in a house once inhabited by a world icon. I don’t know…I would feel kind of intimidated.
We visited a blown-glass factory where this guy with a gymnast’s body gave us a demonstration in the furnace room and made a vase. I couldn’t get over the masculine curves under his shirt and was apparently, mumbling over and over, “I wish he would do this without his shirt.” Because the guy who was sitting in front of me turned around and told me, “We GET it.”
-we headed out to Florence which was a four hour drive. Had dinner at a little restaurant and the previously mentioned mild-mannered algebra teacher who is turning out to be a huge flirt asked the little bald waiter if she could have a box to take home her pasta appetizer to save for breakfast tomorrow. The waiter was so flattered that she liked the pasta so much that he brought her a full portion in a take-out container. What followed was a five minute compliment orgy between her, the waiter, and the maitre’d in which she was trying to tell the maitre’d how much she liked the pasta and how she wanted to have it for breakfast the next day and how nice our waiter was, while the maitre’d kept saying he spoke very little English but he was so happy that she liked the waiter. It went on and on and finally I told her she had to stop because it was starting to sound like she was talking about pasta while the maitre’d was arranging a threesome between the three of them that would culminate in having pasta for breakfast.
-I forgot to mention in my last post about the weird ass porn I saw on regular tv in Switzerland. First of all, the televised porn rules are weird. It’s on a normal channel, and the rules are, you can’t show penis and you can’t show any sort of penetration. But you can show s&m stuff, and lots and lots of chicks masturbating. I was channel surfing all 9 channels that were available and it was on channel 9. I knew something was wrong when I reached it and there was an ad for porn that’s sent right to your cell phone. The next thing I knew, the program comes on and it’s like clips from porns presented music-video style. The one I saw was called Fetish and it was this s&m clip with this guy all decked out like an SS officer complete with monacle, boots, and evil moustache, intently (with a hint of cruelly) watching this leather-clad chick masturbate in an open jet cockpit. While this tied up guy in a leather mask and a bit between his teeth squirmed in anguish. Sometimes, der pretend-fuhrer would march around, clacking his heels while the camera followed his boots, fetishistically drooling. WHAT THE FUCK? It was one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen. Yet it was like a car crash. You just couldn’t look away. Thankfully, an ad came on for SWISS DATE with a girl who masturbates using her cellphone so I was able to switch the channel to something more stimulating in my mind…24 dubbed in German. (Even in German, Xander Berkeley’s a freakin’ badass.)
I want to do a quick retrospective list for 2004 but it’s 2am here so I have to get to bed. I’ll do it at a later time. Hope everyone has a fun, safe time tonight.