i dream that john hamm tells me he’s going to have sex with my mother and it’s breaking my heart because i know he thinks it’s a necessary thing and i can only let him, but it makes me feel a lot of confusing and painful things. and i watch him because i can’t believe he’s going to go through with it, and he does, and i can’t believe it. i walk away and i’m so fucked up afterwards because i’m passionate about him and now he’s completely betrayed me, and he wants me to kiss him and i’m convinced she’s all over his face.
i spent most of the next day intensely trying to figure out who the guy in my dream was since i’d forgotten by the time I woke up, but i knew his energy, and i knew how fucked up and powerful that attraction was. i kept going through all the shows i’d watched recently. david boreanz. simon baker. phil from modern family. but none of them were that guy. and then i’m telling people at work about the snl skit i watched over the weekend and realized it was john hamm.
today i read this article. what a strange article.
this week has been the first week i’ve been sleeping in my new room at my parents house. the spent over a year remodeling and now i finally have that loft i wanted–they converted our attic into a european style loft with a sloped-ceiling bedroom and den, connected by an open walkway overlooking the kitchen. it’s beautiful and looks nothing like the house of my childhood, but still, my sleep is disrupted. i wake up around 2:23 am every night with an urgency that there’s somewhere i need to be, and a complete confusion of where i am. and my dreams are disturbing. it makes we wonder if the haunting is still here. the childhood i had here that echoed with loneliness and drowning.
i’ve also wondered if this dream had to do with my cube mate, this worst case scenario of being with someone who is not yours. i notice we are getting more friendly, but i am making my inner distance. not wanting to even give it attention. i have to recognize it is wrong. most days i know it means nothing.
an engaged customer of ours, someone who had asked to tag along, comes with me to the open gym tonight. turns out we wear the same socks–black soccer socks. later he takes off his shirt and i see it happening out of the corner of my eye so i pretend i don’t notice, making sure not to look, and i wonder if he’s testing me to see if i’ll look. i’m not interested in him, but i don’t want people to think i can want someone who’s already attached. it’s such a sign of weakness, a person who can want what they can’t have. it means you can always be lead astray to your own detriment. and one temptation in the gym i’m trying to quit is already enough. he, my cubemate and i ran on the same team the whole night. cubemate keeps smiling like there’s something brewing between my customer and i and that just makes things feel worse.
i decide right then and there, i’m not going go home to sleep in my parents attic tonight. even though the house has been completely gutted, still…i’m disturbed there. whether it’s the house or me, it still feels haunted.