Synchronicity
Every once in a while, I’ll suddenly notice how the universe syncs things up.
I’ve been meeting a lot of people from my past whom I haven’t seen in a long time. The funny thing that happens to people you meet along your way but don’t see for a long time is, at some point, your mind stops thinking they exist. They become theoretical beings, as real as characters in a book you’ve read or in a movie you’ve seen. You accept the presumption that they had a life that continued after you last saw them, but it now becomes abstract, being pieced together in the realm of the imaginary.
Lately, a lot of people from my past have reconnected with me. And it’s been really nice, seeing people, talking to them, finding how life is treating them and how they are experiencing reality. But mostly, it’s nice to know that while they’re on their own path and I can’t see them, they still exist.
I think sometimes I feel really alone. That even when I’m surrounded by people, I still feel alone. So in the last few months, I’ve withdrawn to spend most of my time by myself, to listen to that silence. To see if that feeling still persists. And then I realized something, as I listened. It’s not that I feel alone within a crowd because I have so many barriers that I never feel close to people. It’s that I’m afraid that when people leave my life, when I no longer see them on a semi-regular basis, I get scared that maybe they really don’t exist anymore. That once people disappear from your life, they never come back.
There’s a stage in a child’s development, where once an object is taken away from the baby’s line of sight, they assume it no longer exists and won’t be surprised if they look back to that spot and it’s no longer there. At some point, I believe our imagination (abstract thinking) becomes more developed and we are able to assume existence of objects even if we are not currently experiencing them as fixtures in our immediate reality.
I wonder if for some reason, I’m still connected to this stage because a trauma occurred there. Somewhere for me, it was reinforced that—once an object disappears from immediate reality, it really may no longer exist. Maybe my parents at some point left me alone for so long that it kicked in a survival instinct that truly thought I was going to die because my nurturers ceased to exist.
So I’ve been confronting this lately, my fear of saying goodbyes, my fear of getting close to people because I figure that sooner or later, they’re going to disappear so it’s better not to get too attached, and it gets me kind of down that I would even have to be dealing with this issue. But then I realized that lately, a lot of people from my past are coming back into my life (including Coffee Bean Guy!), reminding me that they’re alive and well and most importantly, still exist and want to connect with me, and it makes it so much easier to fathom letting down my guard, and not being so scared that there won’t be anyone around in the moment when I really need someone.
It’s nice that sometimes the world gently sends you the things you need exactly when you need them.
Random Weekend Notes
(keep in mind that I’m writing this thing at 3:30 in the morning so I’m going to be random and incoherent…for better or for worse).
Early Friday am, had a long conversation with my mother about better communication that would provide more productive results. Calling someone up and condescendingly telling them things such as how to rework the language content of their websites or that they would be hot if they just got liposuction, is not a great way to induce receptivity. Even worse is calling this person up every day with the same conversation. I told her that I appreciate her intentions, but recommended that she ask me what I would like from her instead of assuming I want her to tell me what I need to do in every aspect of my life.
Work was uneventful. Very very uneventful.
Went to Long Beach to see Ed, my friend from college. Got lost because mapquest was WRONG. It always freaks me out when mapquest is wrong. It’s like when you’re a kid, and you catch a parent in a lie. It freaks you out and you get scared that maybe the world isn’t everything it seems… Okay, it wasn’t quite that dramatic but I did finally get there and was kind of late and felt bad because it took so long to get there and I figured he was hungry. We went to In & Out Burger which is usually a must stop in California for people not from California. The burgers are above average for fast food burgers, but it’s more that it’s such an institution, like the Hard Rock Cafe. We headed over to the Yardhouse, which has the most impressive beer menu I’ve ever seen. I’ve been to the Yardhouse in Newport Beach, I think, with my cousin. And I was psyched beyond words that they had Saxer’s Lemon Lager on tap; I’ve only been able to find is twice out here, even though it was easy to find in Michigan, despite the fact that it’s brewed in Oregon.
They didn’t have Saxer’s so I tried the Youngberry Chocolate blend which is Lindeman’s Framboise & Young’s Chocolate Stout. Dude. Awesome. That stuff could make an alcoholic out of me, despite the fact that usually half a beer will get me very drunk and very sleepy.
Ed’s an engineer and he’s really smart. That’s so cool. Talking to him made me really miss college and being able to hang out with a lot of smart, inquisitive people, and just philosophize and theorize about the world at large. I miss people who think about a lot of things, and want to talk about it. I think that’s why the blog world is so cool. You can see their thoughts–everything that they keep on the inside but don’t want to talk about, all the questions they pose to themselves, which are the same questions you’ve posed to yourself, alone in your head. People don’t talk enough. Blog’s are just another way we’re trying to talk to each other, because we don’t know how, when we’re all face to face, in the same room.
Aubrey and Candice came in late and I was supposed to pick them up and take them back to my place, but I couldn’t get them on their cells. Later they called and said they were going to hang out late but I was too tired so I just went to bed.
…saturday
Woke up this morning (and I use the loosest definition of morning possible) at 12:40pm. I must have been really tired, and it didn’t help that I was emotionally exhausted from having Sarah Clarke who plays Nina on the show 24 in my dream, wrestling with another chick. Okay, that sounds really gay, but it wasn’t like that; it was like some tense scene in 24, except in my head it was real and I needed the other girl to win, though I was really hoping she could win without hurting Sarah. And I think Peja Stojakovic was there, because I seem to remember him sitting on my right on the bleachers and we were sitting together quietly, watching these two girls fighting to the death.
Anyway, so I’m a bum. Went to the mall, went and had sushi, went to Lauren’s house to hang out with everyone (it’s Koo’s birthday today!) , went to the Clippers/Warriors game with AD, went to Britannia for Koo’s get-together, went back to my place with everyone to chill, and very soon… went to bed.
Today’s mood: something big and black