Monday night, Matt calls me and says I should go to Oregon. We need more visibility and he wants me to connect with them. Tuesday morning they’re scrambling to get me set up in Oregon.
Rain and unfamiliar territories. Shitty rental car. Blend in by standing out. Darkness in the light. Assassin. My favorite movie is Grosse Point Blank because it soothes my loneliness with metaphor. First night in a Comfort Inn, I’m assuming every inch of this carpet and comforter is covered in bodily fluid, and I’m afraid of getting STDs on my feet. Motel sleep is always sheet only.
My mama taught me that.
Dream so real that I didn’t know where I was or what dimension. In it, Jerry and I spoke of firemen. In it we finally connected.
Today was my first day back. I’ve been out of it, focused on what I’ve been working on. I come back from lunch and the entire company, all 135 of us, are gathered together and being lectured by a retired fireman. Today is a mandatory fire drill and disaster training.
Speaking of fire or disaster, before I left for the trip, did I wonder what would happen if I left them alone together? Sure. She’d become more bold in her flirting with him and I tried not to pay attention to it so as not to get caught up in it. But she seemed particularly aggressive today and I was shocked to find she’d come to our gym to watch him play last night. I was fiercely uncomfortable and I ached. I wondered if he kept secrets from me. Then I reminded myself if he was like that then I would be done with him.
A lot of chatter between the two. I went on Amazon and bought a set of bluetooth headphones. No need to let this piss me off.
Later he asked me if I was going to the gym. I said I might. He asked me if I was almost ready to leave so I said sure. She always insists on walking him out. He barely said goodbye to her, we were talking. And so I told him I would go to the gym. And I did.
I was on the roman chair when he came up and asked me if I was done. He didn’t want me to feel like I had to walk him out. I asked him, are you asking me to walk you out? He said, only if you happen to be leaving.
So we walked out together, I wondered, was this it? Were we finally going to talk? He said it’s weird how dark it is now this time of day and between the shadows and glow of the streetlights, I think of the touch of his hand and how he is black and I am black and how scared I am that he’s going to say he knows about the dream and he’s sorry. It should never have happened.
We are alone and talking. We are two people, talking. We are two people talking, alone. Until my aunt drives by and honks.
We say goodbye. See you tomorrow. I tell him I don’t really want to play tomorrow and he says he wants to take it easy, too, so a slow game will be good for us. I wonder why life has brought us to this point, and where it took the rest of us.
The moon through my windshield reminds me the full moon is rising.
As I drive away, I remember firemen.