I left for lunch at 1 today. Driving, I thought of last night. I thought of Alaska.
He called me twice. I took both calls on the floor.
It was awkward. I don’t know why he’s calling because he doesn’t either. But more so, I want to stick to the story.
He texted me last night. If the night were younger, I would give you my room number.
What’s he doing.
He tells me he’s never met anyone like me. That he’s so intrigued by me but he also loves his wife and kids.
I am so on edge.
I’ve been here before, I tell him. I think about Amsterdam, Alaska, Dave and Daniel. Even Jerry. I think about sparks and gut wrench.
This here, I say, what you think this is, I’ve been here before. The guy changes but it’s the same thing. You’ve never met anyone like me before. You’re walking a line. Met with a choice. But there’s no room in your life for me. And so, here we are.
I don’t play this game anymore.
So I told him. Don’t worry. There’s no conflict here. I watched the man I love get married a few weeks ago so it’s the end of something, but life is all beginnings and ends. Random meetings, and sometimes chemistry that leads and doesn’t lead anywhere. What matters are the constants. The things you can reach out and touch, that remind you of who you really are.
I wondered what kind of man he was. If he was hunting a panther and found a rabbit, would he kill it?
Because I have two sides, and there’s a reason one is so strong. It protects the other.
I messaged J.
Sometimes you don’t know if what you’re doing is good or bad, you’re only doing. I love words and getting tangled up in words. The truth is through words, I’ve never heard an echo. I am so lonely. I don’t really care about anything else. The truth is I don’t know if I have any room for the world, or if the world has any room for me.
I longed for the solitude of Seattle.