Months ago, my coworker told me she really needed to talk to me. She told me she had mentioned to my newly married coworker if he ever thought about things with me and he said he did, but he felt the friendship was more important. But to her surprise, he told her to tell me he’d said that and to find out what I said.
She knew how I felt about him, how I’d waited, how the day in 2010 I found out he bought the ring was the most devastating day of the year for me. The dreams. How I forced myself to move on. It was about doing the right thing.
At the time, I was dealing with the wedding, moving on, and my feelings about his sudden closeness with other girls in the office that I was angry with him toying with me so I told her do NOT tell him anything. He was married now. He’d made his choice. What does it matter anymore?
Today I asked him, if I gave you a sealed envelope, so that when I die, you can know exactly what I thought of you, would you want it? To my surprise , he said, yes.
I gave him a sealed envelope marked “Pandora.”
Inside, it was this site’s address and the words “search: jerry.”
He now held in his hand the conundrum I lived for two years.
It’s amazing the depths of the secret lives we carry. For 2 years now, he had no idea I watched and waited. The number of times we’ve met in dreams. The time in a dream I messed up my clothes so he helped me get changed and when I thanked him he said, of course…I know how much you care about me. The tenderness of that moment, I’ve never forgotten. Our first and only kiss. We have a parallel life together in dreams and he has no idea. Is it any less truthful?
I gave him the envelope marked “Pandora.” Maybe some secrets are better left sealed.