I texted him last night and said, something inside me changed this week.
He asked me to let him know when I figured out what.
I think it’s a feeling of getting more at ease with things that are not black and white.
And the sudden return of the hunger.
Maybe these guys are just looking for validation. Someone to see them a certain way, a way they want to see themselves.
Does it freak a guy out when he reads how I can read into another man, know my hold with enough confidence to call him out for thinking about me?
But if you were to ask me if a man I covet thinks about me, is open to me, I would tell you, I don’t know. My desire (vulnerability?) creates a blind spot. I have no confidence in this area. I don’t believe someone I wanted has ever wanted me back because I’ve never experienced it. Maybe because I’ve been blind or maybe because it never happened, I don’t know, but the experience is the same. I have a poor read on things the more I care about them.
Today we talked about the tournament pictures and he said he doesn’t look good in any pictures. And so I sent him some I thought he looked good in. On one hand I wondered if he was fishing for a compliment but on the other it didn’t matter to me because I knew the way I see him and I want him to feel about himself the way I feel about him. Does he know how I see him? Do I matter to him? It doesn’t really matter. But because it doesn’t, that’s exactly why I’m in the situation I’m in.