I feel like every time things get good and he acts strange. A little more combative, a little more subversive, makes deflective jokes and I don’t know why. And then he puts it on me. Maybe he just doesn’t have a good handle on his own feelings but it affects me, and I don’t like it when he puts it on me when I react. What’s the alternative? Not react? Not communicate? It makes me resent communicating when meanwhile he’s not communicating. It feels one way. Like one hand clapping. It feels futile. Then when I stop communicating because I feel like I’m way out there by myself, we have a problem. The script gets flipped, it makes me feel like I’m in a vulnerable place alone, and then it’s my problem. He asks me not to test the relationship but he doesn’t see he tests it, too. I’m really sad today. I think what I really need is something stable and consistent. Then again, I know that. I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?
I’m tired of things. I’m tired of silence. I would rather have silence for a reason, than a person next to me who makes me feel lonely.