How Would Bill Gates Pole Dance?
Like many of you, I have oft pondered this question. How would Bill Gates perform a hot and juicy pole dance that would incite the ardor of both men and women alike?
Well, I have never had the privilege of witnessing Bill Gates getting his sexy on, but I did get a peek at what it must look like last night at the Arsenal.
A group of us went bowling for Reggie’s birthday. Incidentally, I finally met his friend Jesse who told Reggie I was really fine. But finer than Tara Reid? I guess I’ll never know.
I bowled a whopping 63 coming in dead last out of everyone, even despite Reggie bowling me a strike in the 4th frame because I was outside talking to people (though Jesse bowled me a 3 in the 5th frame so I guess it balances out). We headed to the Arsenal after the alley closed and that’s where the fun began.
The Arsenal is a lowkey neighborhood bar where most of the time, people are sitting or standing around chatting. Not including our small party, there were about 40 people spread out within the three rooms of the space. The main bar is the center room and the door ways to the other rooms are framed by wide bannisters.
I was sitting on the couch in the lounge to the left of the main room, zoning out, when I see this Pillsbury Doughboy-ish white guy in a white button down shirt and khakis stand up and then start erotically dancing against the bannister like Liz Berkley from Showgirls, with amazing stripper grace and form. He does the deep backbend over the bannister, the drop to a squat and slow raise while rubbing his valuables against the wall, the high kick while tossing back his hair. There was even a velvet rope that had been looped into a 0 hanging from a clip on one of the walls. He grabbed the rope and used it the way a stripper would use a whip wrapped around a pole. He was so into it, it seemed obvious that he must be on ecstasy. Everyone in the bar was staring, jaws dropped. He would dance for a few minutes then slip back into his chair and act like nothing had happened, casually sipping his drink and looking bored. It was incredibly bizarre. Then he would suddenly start back up again.
This went on and off for about half an hour; some girls and I even ran into the main room to get a front row view. Everyone in the bar had cellphone cameras out, waiting for him to start up again. The moment he did, flashes were popping and he was doing his thing. He even noticed someone taking video of him from a cellphone, so he gets even more into it for that camera, making love to it. This goes on for a few minutes and people are crowded around him, merely a few feet away when all of a sudden, he stops and his eyes go wide, like he suddenly woke up from sleepwalking. He quickly says, “Oh my God!” and then runs into the other room.
The room was buzzing; it looked like he must have been in some kind of (drug enduced) trance and suddenly woke up. “Oh my God, he got embarrassed!” the girl next to me said. I felt horrified for him and his embarrassment at being in the moment and suddenly realizing that everyone was watching him. But the biggest surprise was that he hadn’t run off because he had gotten embarrassed. He ran off to get props.
He re-entered the room, flamboyantly brandishing a large metal cup and a serving spoon, then proceeded to do this erotic ice-cream eating interpretive dance, though not forgetting to rub himself provocatively against the wall.
Afterwards, I was dying to talk to him; what he did was the most bizarre and fantastic thing I’ve ever seen in my life. There were some guys hounding him, but he could kind of tell they were making fun of him so he was backing away from them. I went up and he was relieved to talk to me instead. I told him his dancing was awesome. Then I switched into my interviewer mode.
Julia: What’s your name?
Not So Private Dancer: James. My middle name is Webster so people call me Webb.
Julia: What’s your last name?
James the Not So Private Dancer: Uh…I have a double name.
Julia: What inspired you to go back for props?
James TNSPD: Well, I saw the cameras go off and I got embarrassed. But then I was bored so I thought I would get something to switch things up.
Julia: Have you been drinking tonight?
James TNSPD: I’ve had a beer. I’m here with my brother. His friend had some artist thing tonight and then I got bored.
Julia: So that’s all you’ve had tonight? Just a beer?
James TNSPD: Yes.
[Since he claims to not be under any sort of influence, I notice he has an accent. I think, maybe he’s European and that would explain his odd behavior]
Julia: James, where are you from?
James TNSPD: Texas.
[So much for that theory]
Julia: What inspired you to start dancing in the first place?
James TNSPD: I was sitting there and really bored, and then I saw these two girls walk by with…[he pantomimes large balloons on his chest]…enhancements.
Snarky Guy Standing Next to Us: So you were inspired by large boobs?
James TNSPD: Yes.
Julia: Excellent.