He asked me if I was not feeling good. I told him yes. Instead of doing something, dealing with it, saying we should talk about it, he got drunk.
He’s always thinking about things and that’s his substitute for doing things or addressing things. He thinks once he 100% grasps things, then he’ll deal with things, but you’ll never be able to understand everything. All that does is prevent you from dealing. Facing. Resolving.
Our dynamic is I give and give and then I realize he’s not giving back. When I point it out, it’s like pulling teeth until I want to leave. Then he gives, but what he gives is just a promise that he’ll give in the future, or that he’s here with me. Just being there is not enough. Just committing to be there is not enough. Commitment doesn’t end at just promising to always be there. And the cycle keeps repeating. What he gives me are these promises that he’s going to take care of me. He’s going to face things, deal with things. These are like that gift certificate. But when I go to redeem the things he says, that he be there in the moment with me, he’s gone. Like the certificate, when you go to redeem it, you find out it’s worthless. Except maybe for more promises.
I dreamed that there were spiders all over the bedroom, the thick black scary kinds. I yelled for him to do something and he went into the bathroom. I was yelling to hurry. I saw a big one crawl under the bed. Once you lose track of them, you don’t feel comfortable in your own bed because you know it’s somewhere in the room but don’t know where. I waited, thinking maybe he was grabbing a bunch of cups or doing something to be able to get all of them so that was why it was taking so long. Then I looked into the bathroom and he was looking at himself in the mirror, inspecting himself. I yelled at him, what are you doing??? I was panicked that he had no sense of urgency, angry with him. In my head, I said, “It’s over.” I can’t deal with this anymore.
The spiders are a symbol for our problems. If they aren’t taken care of they lurk, and you don’t feel comfortable in the place you need to feel safe because you know they’re there somewhere, but you don’t know when they’ll rear their ugly head. He knows I’m scared of spiders and I waited for him to come back and do something. I told myself to be calm, that maybe he was taking longer because he needed to grab more paper or cups to deal with all of them. But when I looked, he was looking at himself in the mirror. Maybe he really didn’t have a sense of urgency, or maybe he was scared of the spiders so that was his way of not dealing, or delaying. But in that moment, I knew that’s the kind of person he is and I just can’t count on him.
****
I like him, I really do. But you gotta ask yourself if you can do this for the rest of your life.
what’s “this?” Thoughtlessness? Selfishness? Stinginess? What is this?
“This” is all of the above. All of the crying, all of the arguing, all of the questioning, all of the problems, all of the fixing, all of the stories, all of the times you have to ask me for advice, all of the times you have to pull Shello away to talk to her, all of the times you close the door to talk to Jean.
“This,” is everything.
I know he has a good heart, and I know you’re not perfect either. But you deserve better.