Testicle Story
I went to lunch with Reggie today and driving back, I got bored so I said…
“Did you see the testicle picture I put up on my blog?”
“What testicle picture?”
“The picture of your testicles I took while you were sleeping.”
“You didn’t take a picture of my testicles.”
“Yes I did. You were sleeping and your testicles were hanging out of your shorts, so I stuck my camera into the opening and took a picture. With the flash. Don’t worry, I didn’t say they were yours. I mean, it just looks like the landscape surface of Mars. With hair. I doubt people even realize that it’s a testicle.”
“Did you really take a picture of my balls?”
“Yes.”
“No you didn’t. You’re lying.”
[long beat]
“DID YOU REALLY TAKE A PICTURE OF MY BALLS?”
“I don’t know why you’re blowing this out of proportion. It was artistic. People probably can’t tell they’re testicles–“
“Everyone can tell they’re testicles. Everyone knows what testicles look like–“
“How would you know? Have YOU taken a lot of pictures of testicles?”
“THEY JUST KNOW! You BETTER not have put up a picture of my testicles.”
“I really don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. No one even knows they’re yours. They just probably think it’s an artsy picture but if you’re gonna freak out about it, I’ll take it down.”
“I’m gonna call Sareet and ask her if you put a picture of my balls on your blog.”
“She’s not gonna wanna get involved. I mean, when she asked me if those were your testicles–“
“SHE KNOWS THOSE WERE MY BALLS? Who else knows that picture was of me?”
“Uh, no one really. Just Sareet, AD…”
“You’re lying. You didn’t take a picture of my testicles. Did you?”
“Look, you’re totally blowing this out of proportion and I don’t know what the big deal is. It was artistic and not a big deal.”
“Julia, do you know how this makes me look? This makes me look like an IDIOT.”
“Nooooo…it makes you look like you’re dating someone artistic. It was a very artistic picture.”
“This makes me look like an IDIOT, Julia. First people see me in…that picture with the…MITTENS…now this!”
“It’s art, Reggie. I think people realize that and appreciate it.”
“You took a picture of my BALLS. What would you do if I took a picture of your nipple while you were sleeping?”
“That’s just FUCKED UP! I took a picture of your testicles because you were sleeping and they were hanging out, and I thought it was cute so I took it out of artistic inspiration. If you took a picture of my nipple and put it up on the internet, that’s just spite.”
“But what if I had taken a picture of your nipple first and put it on the internet? How would you feel?”
“Well, then I would respect the artistic inspiration, but you can’t do it now because if you ever take a picture of my nipple, it’s going to be because of revenge and not art, and that’s just the sign of a small person.”
“Ooooh…I can’t believe you. Did you REALLY take a picture of my balls and put them on your blog?”
“Look, if you’re so upset about it, I’ll take it down.”
“I don’t think you really did it.”
“Fine, I didn’t.”
“When did you take this picture?”
“…..last week. Then I cropped it to get a good close up so it looked like the surface of Mars. But with hair. I titled it ‘Furry Mars.'”
“I thought you called it Testicle Picture.”
“No, that’s just what I called it in the context of this conversation. The caption under the picture on my blog says ‘Furry Mars.'”
“I can’t believe you did that. You had better be kidding because that’s just so wrong.”
We arrive at my office.
“Okay, I was just kidding. I didn’t put a picture of your testicles on my blog.”
“I KNEW you were kidding. Jesus Christ.”
“I’ve gotta go now. I’ve gotta go take the picture down.”
Slam door. Leave.
[disclaimer: this fictional picture was never posted nor taken. Or was it?….]