Echo

Tonight I’ve drank almost a gallon of water and listened to the song Peanut Butter Jelly Time 7 times in a row.

I’ve hand-picked our warm up songs for our marquee matchup on Sat against our rival frienemy. Hint: One of them is Smack My Bitch Up.

One married coworker told me something another married coworker said about me today, something about how I’m like a nice car you park far away so no one dings it. I laughed and told him I’ve always felt I would end up being someone’s 2nd wife. Just waiting for that guy to finalize his papers.

Married guy from Intel came and played tonight. Black dude who kind of declared he thought I was really hot at ISS, the night after another Intel dude tried to follow me off the elevator wanting to “use my bathroom.” I was pretty disappointed in the state of married men after that trip. He left me a message earlier today asking if he just walks in the front of the gym or if there was another way he should go in. I responded, of course you can walk through the front. What are we, white people?

Married guys. Just come with the territory when you’re a single woman in her 30’s. I was thinking today what it would have been like if I’d settled down in my 20’s. I wouldn’t be me, that’s for sure. Almost in a way, because I didn’t succumb to that desire to partner up with someone, or I averted the scenarios of tying lust/sex to partnership, of the need for companionship driving me to make a choice, I passed that period and now I’m reaping the rewards of that (and the trade-offs). When you’re young, you don’t have the means or the vision to flex and take advantage of freedom, opportunities and the space to be yourself. In your 30’s you get into the right mental space and have the means, but if you got married and had kids, you have the responsibilities. I don’t answer to anyone if I don’t have to. When I do it’s because I made a choice to want to. And I don’t see a reason to get tied down because I don’t have the irrational drives of my 20’s clouding my perspective. And I like being alone.

I can’t figure out if it’s just me or just me being a woman who’s single in her 30’s but made peace with herself. But I feel lucky. Especially when I meet some of these married guys. For the most part, they love their wives, they love their children, and they don’t want to hurt them, they don’t want to disrupt the foundation of that life they’ve built. But they also love life, and life is so massive and diverse and complicated. Or it’s just as simple as wanting a different flavor of ice cream once in a while. It’s hard to reconcile the two because one is fixed and the other is infinite and multi-dimensional. If only we could live our lives in parallel and explore all the things we wanted without jeopardizing the things we’ve built in each but we can’t. Life’s all about compromise.

I stay away from married guys because I don’t like complicated situations, I don’t like hurting people and I can’t let myself do things if I’m already conscious it’s wrong. I actually get really angry when married guys come after me. I don’t like when people do things behind the backs of people who trust them. But married guys do like to circle me.

My theory is that hiding behind their marriage makes them bolder. Because they have nothing to lose and they always hide behind their behavior being harmless because they’re married (this logic makes me laugh every time I hear it but so many say it!) Single guys feel they have too much to lose to get involved with me so they don’t. A lot of the good ones settle down early-ish. They feel it’s the responsible thing to do. That’s why I think I’ll be someone’s 2nd if I ever partner up. It’ll be some guy who got married because he thought it was the right thing, the natural progression, r maybe it was easier than breaking up, but over the years, he’ll realize his life got away from him.

Earlier this week, I told Jerry I had a dream I was holding Carter. What I didn’t tell him was that in the dream, the baby was mine. And his. And that baby made my heart radiate in a way I have never felt in this world. When I woke up, I didn’t feel guilty even though I felt guilty for not feeling guilty, because that was that world, and had nothing to do with this one. In this one, I am protective of his family unit because it’s a matter of principle.

This was the first super realistic dream I’ve had in a long time, the 2nd with a baby.

The roads not taken…the decisions not made…do those lives continue as real parallel worlds? Our spirits living on in lives of their own? Is it true that in a parallel world we would have wedded last March?

In waking life I have no more consideration or interest in him outside of what we are, good friends. It ran its course and after last month’s fever over the emx guy, I burned out the last of it and it’s nice.

But every once in a while I have dreams so real the world I wake up to seems more like a dream than the world I wake from.

Hey, as long as that version of me and him in that world are happy. In this one, I’m happy with my freedom, he’s happy with his family unit, we’re happy with our friendship. It’s already a best case scenario.

Got the best compliment today. Mom said I looked like that chick from Crouching Tiger. My heart skipped. The young one or the older one? The older one she said. That made my day.

Almost 15 years ago I watched Tomorrow Never Dies and was riveted by Michelle Yeoh. Riveted isn’t even a strong enough word…obsessed with adulation. I declared I wanted to be her, but that wasn’t gonna happen. She was older, but also hot, fit, cool as an assassin, ballsy and aerodynamic. I was chubby, shy and a self-defeatist.

Hearing that comparison really made my day because even though I wanted something at the time that had seemed utterly impossible, 15 years later, I managed to get what I wanted.

The power of belief. You don’t have to be conscious it’s working, but like a journey being made up of a million steps, if you believe, in the background it’s working. You won’t know how well until you get there.

If you’re a train speeding ahead and Indians are shooting arrows at you, you can’t stop and ask them why they shot at you or fight them. You’re a train that’s gotta keeping moving.

I like working with professional companies. I need to know at the very least you won’t fuck me when I’m not looking in battle.

Used car salesmen make me want to eat them.

Get straight up. Pledge allegiance. I’m not perfect but I’m worth it.

Now it’s getting weird. This guy doesn’t talk to me, but keeps endorsing skills to me on Linked In. Is he a robot? Human spambot? As long as he’s not a killer. They freak me out.

Surprise…I stepped outside and it was raining tonight.

How many times have you tried to fuck me in your mind? Because no matter how good technology gets, people haven’t yet figured out how to firewall their minds. That’s the difference between you and I. I can get inside you without touching you. Chances are, if you’ve thought of getting inside of me, I already know how you taste.

Midnight workout. When I like it best.

Stop listening to what other people say. They talk shit when they don’t know direction and they don’t know what to do. Don’t let their self-doubt project onto you. Don’t wear it. It’s not my problem what people can or can’t get behind. I’ve got shit to do. Doubters are gonna doubt. Haters are gonna hate.

I always get erratic when I realize there’s a part of the journey I have to take alone and I’m scared to take it alone. Man up. Stop resisting. You end up doing what needs to be done anyway. You always knew it was lonely at the top. That’s why you were born a twin.

Do it for the money or the love
For the glory of him above
For the ones who came before
Or the ones who follow after
For the start of the quest
Or the close of a chapter

For the road not taken
For the ghost of the father
For a blind mother’s burden
For the wounds of the brother

Though the palms of your hands
Can hold no water
When the footsteps you take
Move the destination farther
When you seek one answer
But believe in another
When you see into me
And think only lover

Time flows not straight
In plain sight is the best cover
When the two sides flip
It’s still the coin that recovers

When it’s time to move up find a tower
When it’s time to move down find a well
When there’s no flow stay still
When life opens its eye…pull the trigger.

My fire is on the verge of turning blue. Just like we are on the verge of November. And the sudden rain today, when I stepped outside and breathed in the smell of wet concrete. Possibility. The metal taste of a blue flame, flicking inside my mouth like a reptilian tongue.

Cool scales, a steel heart. It takes only a split second for me to turn. Blue is the hottest part of the flame. And the coldest. Laser. Just give me a reason.

karma police…arrest this man. He talks in tongues, and poses like a friend. He’s like a detuned radio.

(this is what you get)
(this is what you’ll get)
when you mess with me.

karma police…I’ve given all I can. It’s not enough. I’ve given what I can but we’re still on the payroll.

this is what you get.
this is what you’ll get.
when you mess with me…

Was walking in downtown SJ last Friday and this guy on a bike rides by and yells into a crowd…”Let’s get white girl wasted!”

Melancholy. As opposed to meloncauli, a failed fruit-veggie gum flavor. One of those days I wish I could play an instrument because my mood is in shades, not words today.

Big talk is lookin’ for trouble. If you open your mouth…you better be ready to rumble.

1.5 lbs and I’m under 140 with my strength there. Legs are strong though I got kicked in the knee so hard on Sat there were treadmarks on my skin.

Had it out with Donkey who didn’t like that we kept a running score. I told him if he didn’t like it he could leave. Wonder if he’s noticed we call him Donkey.

Went out this morning to get coffee to see the San Jose Rock n’ Roll half marathon running by, and a metal cover band playing Eye of the Tiger on the corner. Took that as the universe giving me a cue and went back up to drop my purse off and crashed the race.

It was the final mile so I ran it to the finish, registered for next year’s run, then ran back home. Mom asked me if I talked to any boys and my answer was no.

I have to be open to the possibility I may have a sidekick or a butler, but not a partner.

Today coworker said he couldn’t imagine a female ninja, he only thinks of ninjas as dudes. I was flabbergasted. I told him next time, I’ll wear all black. Come watch me play…I’ll show you female ninja.

The young one who came and played for the first time yesterday lit up, pointing at me and nodding saying, oh yeah. She’s a ninja. I saw it last night.

According to Rob, out of the 60 first half points, I scored about 40.

Oct. 20th. I’m putting a lot of consciousness into that day. This is me delaying gratification. Trust that by that day, I will be insatiable.

One thing I really like about me is that I am responsive.

in setting light
sweet words with tea
comes summer's end
a sunset between friends
a slight brush of skin
the birth...of a feeling

and so, begins the fall.