Echo

If you need to ask me who told me, it means you told too many people. If you want to leave, then leave, but if you stay, stop acting like this place isn’t taking care of you and giving you a fair opportunity to be a man and provide for your family.
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I have the potential to not be afraid to stand up to anyone. That is why it’s so important for me to be intelligent.
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sometimes i wonder which has terrified my father more…that his daughter is a lover or a fighter.

He’s leaving at a time when things go wrong.
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once connected, i can get into their minds, touch it, taste it. how can you stop yourself from thinking about me? calling you out, a force from far “out there,” a giant echo from the deepest place inside you. i will haunt you. if you regret with me.

Loneliness is the price that’s paid to be alone, by people who never met anyone they liked being with more than themselves.
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She made me feel like she was having a conversation with someone else through me. That was really unnerving.
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You can tell my capacity for love by how I step aside and let people I love make their own decisions, and supporting them.
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76 oak grove- club 76
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Two guys independent of each other and about 30 seconds apart made jokes about putting roofies in my drink
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Did he make the wrong decision for himself? Did he make the right decision for the bigger picture? Is it possible he did both? If so, is it a conscious or unconscious sacrifice?
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I go to Santana Rd and run into my cousin who’s a fixture there. He’s got some dumb girl grinding up on him, and giant Norman and I creep up with our ears to listen to their conversation. We’re fucking with her because we don’t care about her, but she takes it because she thinks her life is gonna change if she fucks my cousin.

I run into this girl Ashley. I’ve known her since she was a toddler. Her dad, Whiskey, started coming out to play basketball at the open gym with the girls I play with, and the dude’s intense, barreling into girls and yelling at them when they make mistakes. It’s kind of funny but sad. I heard he and his wife got separated. He must have cheated, I immediately said and got yelled to not make assumptions. But the dude’s name is Whiskey. If the family broke up, I would put money down he did something. So I haven’t seen Ash in years, but now she’s a girl-woman, all perky and fierce and independent and broken. You’ve probably heard some things about my parents, she said. Lots of rumors out there. I tell her I heard something but didn’t really pay attention. And that I play basketball with her old man.

I bet he doesn’t even recognize you, she said. Does he? He wouldn’t.

I tell her that he must know who I am. I’m pretty sure someone’s told him my name.

He doesn’t recognize you, she said. It’s your massive presence now. He doesn’t know who you are.”

I tell her I remember her as a kid. How confident she was. You just did whatever you wanted, I said.

Just like someone else we know, she said.

Who?

You, she said. You always did whatever you wanted. We’re a lot a like.

She proceeded to dance seductively for some boys, and I left to give her space. She’s a strong girl. She’s a storm, the kind of girl who can put a boy in jail, but smart enough to corral that power if she can stay away from the big mistakes that spell endgame.

They wanted to hit the next bar while Ditty by Paperboy was playing. I wanted to dance but some guy grabbed me and I didn’t like it, so I left. Next place was filled with hapless white guys and hookers. So I headed for Hotel Valencia in search of a couch to lounge on.

The couches looked empty when I first walked in which made me ecstatic, but a few steps later as I rounded the corner, I saw there were two guys sitting there. They smiled when they saw me. I decided to suck it up and deal with the situation, since I wanted to sit on the couch. Ordered an Effen Cherry Vodka and soda. Went over and sat down next to them. They seemed pretty shocked but happy. Learned that one, Marcel, is a French-Italian transplant turned firefighter, and Michael is a Scottish software engineer and photography artist. Had a great time talking to them. They both have girlfriends so once that was out of the way, we just talked like three happy people. They asked me if I was a cop, because of my  build and my air of authority and confidence. I told them that’s funny because usually it’s Canadians who think I’m a cop. They like that I break the mold of someone working in tech. I like that they’re friendly and we’re having a no bullshit good time. I tell them that I just moved to the area and had just started exploring.

They recommend Los Gatos and plan out a Sat night itinerary for me. Tell me I have to hit #1 Broadway last, as it’s all cougars and young guys, and their mating rituals need to be witnessed.

Sat night itinerary

Wine Cellar
CB hannigans
Black watch
Los Gatos bar and grill
#1 broadway
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Rule: I never talk to a man who orders Jagers.
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Right now we are in an 11th house, 11 day. April is retrograde. April is reflection. April is going through memories in the 12th house.

That’s why May is a fresh start.
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If you were stuck on an island and only had one dave matthews album, how…would you kill yourself?
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I’m focused on Tauruses. And I’ve got a bunch of them. Including 3 May 13ths in succession. The 14 watches the 12th and the 13th. One we talk about the depths, yet say nothing. The other, we talk about nothing, yet our words hide the truth within the depths.

Completely opposite. One demands everything. One demands nothing.

They both break my heart.
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Last night’s dream. Some community event. At ucla or something. Brought a box of popcorn and asked Brian to hold it while I did something. Later noticed an Indian woman holding a box of popcorn and convinced she stole it. Looked around for mine and realized Brian didn’t have it. Didn’t confront her in case I was wrong. Later, ran into people I had a gift for, but it was in the car. When I tried to run back with it, my legs were like moving through molasses. I saw basketball hoops because I was near the playground and I tried to tell myself it’s like running towards the basket, but I couldn’t pull myself forward. I think I feel like I’m having things taken from me, people are letting me down, and I’m trying to exert my will but I’m unable to move forward.
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i’m not sure either of us can stomach the mess of him leaving one relationship for another.

I love him for being loyal, I have to let him go because he is loyal.
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In 1999, I built a Batman cave. Well, not really. But close.
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