Echo

Fantasy Basketball

It’s that time of year again! Anyone wanna play fantasy basketball with me? The league will be Head 2 Head, 8 team league with a multi-list draft on espn.com. Buy a team and send me an email and I’ll tell you which league is mine. Or email me if you don’t know what to do but want to play and I’ll help you set everything up. Go Warriors!

By the way, fellow Geminis…keep your eye on Oct. 13th. Don’t ask why. Just do. And tell me if anything happens.

Often, when someone is in a relationship they know won’t last, they stay in it because they want to see if someone else will come along first-even though this doesn’t seem fair to the current attachment. If this sounds like you, you need to leave, create a space, take a deep breath, meditate about the old relationship to pinpoint what went wrong and only then move forward. Not to live life that way is a little like living in a world without periods at the end of sentences. All the sentences run together in one long jumble and you never know where a thought begins or ends.

-Susan Miller

This isn’t me. I write short sentences that emphasize the PERIODS. But I thought this was a nice way to look at this phenomenon…a world without periods at the end of sentences. I hate people who do that. Relationship hop. And not end sentences.

Just a heads up, everyone. This blog may be going private soon. There are some undesirables reading this site.

I can’t decide if passionate swept-off-your-feet kind of love is healthy or not. As much as it makes me feel fully alive, it makes me feel pretty wrenched up inside.

Finally! A device that makes men obsolete!

http://www.engadget.com/entry/1365040959537038

WHITNEY!

I’m rewatching Romy and Michele’s (Best movie ever!) and you know that scene where the vice principal tells Michele she has detention and they’re walking away with their hamburgers? Did you ever notice Sandy Frink way in the background, fully turned around, staring longingly at her with a big goofy grin? I think I just found the antithesis of that Twin Peaks’ guy-crouching-at-the-food-of-the-bed shot. It’s freakin’ HILARIOUS.

Indians pitcher shot on team bus

There’s a REALLY funny twist to this story!!

Some of my favorite quotes from Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion:

[looking at yearbook pictures]
Romy : Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?
Michele : Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.
Romy : So we said: “OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele’s house on Friday night and we’ll be waiting.”
Michele : And then he showed up, and we were like: “Danny, it was a joke!”
Romy : And then we turned the sprinklers on him! [both laugh hysterically]
Michele : Oh my God! [abruptly stops laughing]
Michele : Didn’t he die?
Romy : I think so.

******

Heather : Why are you tormenting me? Why don’t you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck asshole!

******
Clarence: By the way, I never fucked a sheep or my sister.
Heather: Why? You couldn’t catch them?

******

Romy : Hey, um, great suit. Is that an Armani?
Suit Salesman : Yes. Yes, it is.
Romy : I thought so. So, what do you do?
Suit Salesman : I’m a suit salesman.
Romy : Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.

******

Michele : Oh my God, you did it!
Romy : Yeah, I did.
Michele : What did you have to do?
Romy : I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.
Michele : Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.
Romy : Michele?
Michele : What?
Romy : Do you really think I would do that? For a car?
[Michele stares blankly]
Romy : Just get in.
Michele : O.K.

******
Heather : Do you live with Michele Weinberger?
Romy : Yeah.
Heather : I just figured she’d be married to Sandy by now.
Romy : Sandy Frink?
Heather : Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?
Romy : The Frink-a-zoid and Michele… I’m sure! Besides, didn’t *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?
Heather : I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there’s a difference!
[to customer behind her]
Heather : There’s a difference!
[to Romy]
Heather : There’s a difference!
[whispers]
I have to go now.

******
Toby Walters : Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don’t tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.
Heather : I hurt your feelings?
Toby Walters : Yeah, all the time.
Heather : Tremendous! That’s tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!

******
Heather : This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

******
Michele : For me, it’s like I’ve just given birth to my own baby girl, except she’s like a big giant girl who smokes and says “shit” a lot. You know?

******

Romy : I’ve been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele : That’s impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?

******
Romy : Well, anyways, are you going?
Heather : [referring to her cigarette] I’d rather put this out in my ass!

******
Michele : Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy : Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.

******
Romy : Well at least she’s not the one who got *fat*.
Christie : We’re pregnant, you half-wit.
Romy : Yeah, well, I hope your babies look like monkeys!

******
Michele : I’m the Mary, and you’re the Rhoda.
Romy : YOU’RE the Rhoda, you’re the Jewish one.

It’s hard being so many different things to different people.

This fucking moon is pulling me apart too, m.

What Constitutes Cheating?

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2656&articleSrc=2&sid=E656423E-DBF7-42A0-B0F2-8DE72A08C25D&trackingid=516311&theme=214&lid=159

This is a very general but somewhat interesting article. The definition of cheating really depends on the people involved and what they value and how they measure things. What do you guys consider to be cheating? I don’t care what my significant other does when I’m not around. He can check out other girls, flirt with people, whatever. I don’t care. I’d prefer that he not get physically involved with other people. But then if we have an open relationship that has been clearly discussed and outlined, then I don’t care. What I want to avoid is being blindsighted. I think I’m more concerned with, what do certain thoughts/actions reflect about how much he believes in me and our relationship? How much he respects these things? Anything outside of that is harmless. Everyone likes to feel desired and attractive. Let him flirt all he wants when I’m not around. But just don’t do it when I’m around because then it’s disrespectful of me and the relationship.

I know I said that I would prefer a guy who waits at home. But if it’s all innocent, what I don’t know won’t kill me and I don’t ask. Time away from me is YOUR time. If I’m dating you, I trust you, so as long as you’re not taking advantage of that trust and messing around, have a ball. It’s all good with me.

You Are Guaranteed to Hurt the Ones Who Love You

Just because you’re human. Thus, is the nature of life.

I am not a cynical person. Only very honest about the things that are true that we don’t want to admit.

I am a very social person. I have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and am warm and magnanimous towards just about everyone. But in all honesty, as open and caring as I am with most people in my life, there are only a handful of people whom I’ve allowed to be very close to me, and to these people, I have given a piece of my heart and soul.

When someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” I greatly appreciate the place they are coming from and their benevolent intentions. I have had amazing people say that to me and I know they would never, ever hurt me by their actions and thoughts, and I know the depth with which they care about me; it’s incredibly beautiful and I cry a little inside when I think of them because I know I will never find the words to express how much their very existence and their kindness mean to me.

But inherently, when you let people in, they will hurt you, because you can’t hold on to anything in this life. You can’t take anything with you. And people go away, be it by circumstance or death. And no matter what your spiritual beliefs are, no matter where you can escape to within your head or your activities, it doesn’t change the fact that loss is never easy to deal with.

I do not fear my own death. I fear the death of my loved ones. And this fear is so powerful and consuming, that I’m terrified of getting too close to too many people out of self-protection. When I care deeply about people, I don’t like to tell them. Sometimes, I don’t even let myself admit it. One reason is because people perceive me as such a surfacey creature–fleeting, optimistic and flippant, that I don’t know how comfortable they would be if they knew the depth of my emotional well and how strong my feelings can be. I tend to show the passionate, intense side of me in tiny, measured amounts, because I’m afraid of overwhelming people.

The other reason, is that if I tell someone that their existence has been stitched into the very fiber of my soul and I would give everything inside of me and go to the lengths of the universe to help them find comfort in this difficult life, then it’s out there. It’s real. And I can’t pretend that they haven’t gotten so deep within me that one day, when they have to go away, a part of me will die.

It doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for the people who are in my life. I am so incredibly grateful and thank God every day for the amazing souls who have reconnected with me and are here to accompany me for however long in this lifetime. But just to be honest, if I let you in to the deepest parts of me, inevitably, one day, you WILL hurt me.

So when someone says to me, “I would never hurt you,” it’s not that I don’t believe your intentions. I do and I trust you, otherwise, I would never have let you in. But just know that that statement, by the very limits of life and human experience, is not true.

‘Forever’ in Relationships…

And as we make our vow
Let us remember how
There’s nothing good that lasts forever
( Freedom , David Gray)

From one of my favorite books, The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter):

Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t…What I’m saying is: that day was here and then it was gone, but I remember it, so it exists here somewhere, and somewhere all those events are still happening and still going on forever. I believe it.

***************
Nothing on this earth lasts forever. We spend so much time fighting the universe, fighting the very currents that make up existence, trying to hold on to things. We try to hold on to our youth. To our appearances. To wealth. To people. To the passion of an exciting new relationship. But life moves us forward and things change and go away. Even with relationships…either the relationship changes or the people do, often both. And it’s not because you never knew the person; it’s just that they grew, and they grew into something that is not the long-gone idea of the person you’re still holding on to.

I believe people shed layers of their beings the way snakes shed skin. We are all constantly evolving, changing, growing. And if you only cling to and “see” one layer, that layer will be so far gone, that one day when you take another serious look at this person, you’ll find yourself shocked–this person is near unrecognizable because he or she has evolved and gone through so many changes since you last really looked.

How can someone like me, who can’t help but see the transient nature of life and all the things that can not be possessed and held on to, ever in good conscience, make a long-term vow when I can not predict the manner in which our relationship will turn or our individual spirits will grow? What if I make a vow and find that years later, our partnership has outgrown its purpose and is no longer healthy and uplifting to both of us? I’ve learned, it is pointless to hold on too tight and fight the natural course of life. You will only hurt yourself and other people by doing so.

Can’t I just love you as you are now, and as our connection is now, renewing and reaffirming my love with every new interaction? Why do we force ourselves into pacts which we may not be able to uphold? I try very hard to not make promises I can’t keep. And with marriage… inherently, we are making a childish pact based on our need for earthly security. How can I in good conscience, look someone I truly love in the eye, and make this vow of lifelong and eternity when I know that in the event our connection is done serving its purpose and begins to hurt either or both of us, it must be broken? You hope that the relationship and both partners grow in compatible ways. But again, life gives no guarantees.

If I love you, I will love you forever and I will cherish our connection forever, no matter where our life paths take us, even if we are no longer together after our connection has served its greater purpose . And nothing can take away from the power and truth of those feelings.

Can’t that be enough? Please?

Settling

To say that I have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage is not quite accurate. As Whitney once said, anyone who has ever seen me in a relationship will know that I don’t have a problem with commitment. As another friend of mine observed, once I decide I’m in love, I march in all the troops so I have to be careful who I fall for.

If there is fear of anything, it would be of letting myself settle. I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with a companion soul in a relationship that elevates us and brings out the best in us while giving us mutual understanding, respect, compassion and comfort. That is the only connection I am willing to have in a partner for the rest of my life. But I have yet to meet that person. Which is fine, because I can be pretty patient, and that person will be worth the wait.

I know I settle in dating and relationships. Because I seek out companionship when I’m lonely or bored, to pass the time until I find that connection I’m looking for. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been some form of settling, some worse than others. I’ve dated guys just for access to sex. I’ve dated guys just to have the comfort of a warm body to sleep next to during cold winters. I’ve dated guys because they were mental distractions. I’ve even dated a really ugly guy from the inside out and the outside in, a bad person whom I didn’t respect and whose principles and energy I often hated, just to see if maybe there was a human being somewhere deep down inside, because I don’t like to think that people can really be that ugly. Yes, last year was a complete embarrassment. And all my friends and family made sure to tell me so during both our our time together and after. But I think it was one of those things I had to go through, just to understand that bad people can’t be saved, and I really shouldn’t be trying.

I hate break ups and if I know something’s not going to work out, it’s really pointless to get totally involved. I enjoy living life without a companion because I spend a lot of time quietly observing the world and promoting better understanding of it within myself and to the world at large. I have a great group of friends, and even though I get lonely every once in a while, I find that the universe will even send me kind strangers with infectious smiles sometimes, to lift me up when I’m down. So I always feel like I’m on the right path and don’t have to feel the need to be in control and force something that I’ll regret later. If that connection comes along someday, that would be great, but if it doesn’t, I’ll still lead a fulfilled life, exploring everything that is under the surface of our world and communicating the things I see and feel. I’m not going to waste opening up the channels of true intimacy and soul exchange with someone who doesn’t deserve it or doesn’t understand what he’s getting and thus, doesn’t understand how to give.

There have only been two people in my life with whom I felt that connection. I had relationships with neither, because I wasn’t ready with the first one, and the second one isn’t available. But it’s good that I met them. It’s like the universe was letting me know what I’m looking for. So I think I’m close. And knowing that keeps me focused on the connection that will make me fulfilled, while recognizing the connections that will ultimately lead to disappointment and heartache on both sides if I commit myself for a lifetime to someone who is not my spiritual life partner.

About My Childhood

Chapter 1: Growing Up First Born

My mom always tells me, “Julia, Michael probably won’t be able to have kids. So we’re counting on you. No black guys….and don’t be gay.”

Just watching Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, which is possibly one of the best movies ever made. It’s like a live action cartoon, yet the actors are so SERIOUS about their roles. Lisa Kudrow is ASTOUNDING.

Justin Theroux’s in it too. That guy always makes me FEEL something whenever he’s on screen. You know, living in LA and working in the film industry, you pretty much get desensitized to celebrity. You recognize that they’re just normal people, and in a way, you almost figure they’re almost people you don’t want to be around because of their egos or how conscious they are of themselves. So I usually avoid actors like the plague and am not terribly impressed by them. But the only two actors I can think of who I would totally sleep with if they just asked, are Justin Theroux and Clive Owen. I. would. be. defenseless. What is it about dark, mysterious men that just devastates me?

Everybody Loves a Dirty Sanchez (Part II)

So I’m sitting in traffic on my way to work, and I happen to glance over at the lane going in the other direction. Sitting right next to me, is a huge, hot-pink 18 wheeler. All muscle, baby…the automotive equivalent of a big, black 15-inch surgically enhanced porn rod. But the topper? On the driver-side door, in fancy airbrushed lettering, were the words, “Dirty Sanchez Trucking.”

Hmm.

I think the small print underneath said, “Gangbang services at no extra charge.”

And it had a bumper sticker that said, “My other car is the Pussy Wagon.”

No seriously…WTF, man?

Dude! No wonder Brian and I are so depressed today. Mercury went into Scorpio today so we’re thinking all morbid, dark thoughts. Not that I believe that where a planet moves dictates the evolution of people’s lives. But I do believe that astrology is a creative way to use symbols to identify the currents that affect our soul energies. In the same way that American Indians named their spirits. And the way scientists named wave frequencies. We’re just speaking in different languages, trying to describe energy. Life force. What we are. I like to think of what we really are at the core, our souls, as ghosts of sorts–each a floating awareness, completely free of any physical tensions, being blown whimsically by a soft, cool fall wind, blowing at dusk. The many faces and emotions of the wind are the numerous conflicting energy currents around us on the physical plane. The ones that lightly nudge (or violently shock) us towards the destination where time and space collapse to become one and the same. The ones we perceive as an intuitive pull, an instinct, an intrigue, or a burning bead of desire that motivates us along our lives. Or for the more spiritually dense, the impulsive forces of a chaotic anti-system that working off a cause/effect linear model, outputting statistical coincidence. (think: those theoretical monkeys in a room who by sheer statistical probability, achieved the right combination of symbols and banged out Shakespeare on a typewriter). Regardless of how these forces are visualized and expressed, it can not be denied that they exist. I’ve found the easiest way to live, is to let go of all tension…in your mind, in your body, in your heart, and just let yourself be directed by the currents, follow their cues… When you give up control and let go of spiritual tension so that your psychic awareness is taking in all of the energies around you, you’ll find your life going in interesting places.

You’ll find your universe becomes more synchronized. I believe a lot of life is the equivalent of coincidence for a person, in a manner of speaking, merely in the fact that you don’t really care about things that don’t directly pertain to you. Therefore, you have limited awareness of it, but really, no need to focus on it. It’s filler. All those other people are all union extras. You don’t need to know their names. But the things that directly affect you seemingly at random, are NOT coincidences. They move you along as well as serve as markers to tell you if you’re on the right or wrong path. Sometimes it’ll be the people I meet, an idea sparked by something I read or random experiences.

For example, last week I was having a conversation with someone about energy and intent. About how someone who is very empathic can feel people’s energy and have a very good idea of a person’s intentions, motivations and general internal make-up. A few days later, I went to a party where a psychologist was randomly passing out an article on an experiment that was done in which it was shown that how a water crystal forms can be influence by the energy of words (they would wrap a piece of paper with a word written on it around a glass of water and then freeze it. Different words created distinctly different crystal formations, with positive words forming the most complex formations and negative words sometimes not forming crystals at all). Beautiful. Someone was testing for anima. I was really excited because I had JUST been talking about this. So I put myself in a corner and read the article, thinking about this stuff and the problem is that I don’t think it’s a word written on a piece of paper that affected the composition of the crystal formations. I think it was the intent of the person who placed the paper, that person’s energy, the projected expectations, that the water recorded within its crystal formations. The article didn’t mention if the experiment was also run blind where the person who placed the paper didn’t know what the word was. I suspect that would make a huge difference. Because water, like new pussy, can’t read.

Anyway, so I come back and I’ve been thinking a lot about this stuff. I go to lunch at a little Vietnamese restaurant on Tuesday and sit next to some physicists from UCLA. Of course I’m eavesdropping because that’s just what I do, and plus, the one in the corner with the shaggy hair and MIT t-shirt is really cute. I had an intuition I was going to try to jump into their conversation, so I warned myself, Shih, stop fucking embarrassing me. You had BETTER not. They talk about the movie Waking Life for a while and I almost get through my lunch without talking to anyone but the waiter, but then one guy goes, “Hey, I just read in a journal about this experiment that was done with water crystals and words.” And I say, “I have that article on me!” (Damn. I ALWAYS talk to strangers) So he wants to see it so I give it to him and they talk about it, but I had tuned out already, because it was like, once I gave him the article, I had ZERO motivation left to even be aware of them. Like I picked my hat off the saloon floor, shook off the sawdust, pulled it over my head as I casually took in the damage of the room…brushed off my hands, saying, “Well, my job here is done,” my faithful 17 year-old nephew and deputy, Willie, trailing behind me as I push open the swinging doors, my sharp silhouette quickly devoured by the merciless high noon sun. Hmm. Boy. I’m not quite sure where my mind just went.

So in the name of cutting this short so I can get to bed tonight at a reasonable hour, I think if you open yourself up and just “go with the flow” of the universe, it gets you to where you need to be, and in contact with the people you need to meet in order to complete the specific challenges set out for you in this lifetime. At different times, we serve as facilitators to others, helping them along their paths without knowing exactly what we’re supposed to provide them. Life is really exciting if you think of it that way. So many things have such purpose. And I think we shouldn’t concern ourselves so much over obsessing about what the nature of the connection is or what the purposes are within the connection, but rather, we should just go with our gut instincts and let ourselves be guided through life to get to where we need to be.

This is something I’ve only recently realized. I always understood it intellectually, but I’ve only recently learned how to feel it…the releasing of inner tension so that you can be guided by the forces around you. Connecting to the psychic, spiritual currents of the universe is easy…you can learn how to do it. It feels like forcing a muscle to relax…and you can get better and better at it. I liken it to that first buzz when you drink or smoke. But substances can’t hold you in that state of receptiveness. You really have to learn how to achieve it on your own.

A handful of impeccable albums that make me feel things. These albums express the parts of me that I have no words for.

1. Parachutes (Coldplay) I don’t think anyone will disagree with this one.
2. The Bends (Radiohead) Their best. Honest emotional truth without intellectual distortion.
3. White Ladder (David Gray) Beautiful heart, beautiful soul. This album makes my soul ache.
4. No Angel (Dido) Girl freakin’ power.
5. Australia (Howie Day) Introspective, contemplative.
6. It’s a Wonderful Life (Sparklehorse) Does anyone know of them? Has anyone heard this album? MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR props if you have! This album is AMAZING. Ethereal.

9/23 Recap

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You…won’t you say something
I need to get my bearings
I’m lost
And the shadows keep on changing

Don’t cry,
There’s always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves we’ll pray
Please, I know it’s hard to believe
To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing
And I’m haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I’m haunted
By the promises I’ve made
And others I have broken
I’m haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways… always
I’ll always want you
I’ll always need you
I’ll always love you
And I will always miss you

I’m haunted (By the lives that I have loved)
I’m haunted (By the promises I’ve made)
I’m haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

—-haunted (poe)

Today’s Mood: http://homepage.tinet.ie/~drunken/lyrics_4_3.html