Echo

i turned to my favorite teammate as we were stretching.

is your birthday in february?

yes it is, she said.

i knew you were an aquarius, i said. you’re quirky AF.

she’s so weird and i want to love her but i also feel like she’s prickly. and seeing as i recently had an encounter with a cactus, i’m afraid to get too close to prickly things.

but she did let me help her with her hamstring. at least she knows my intentions are good.

yesterday hannah wrote me to thank me for feeding her flame. i was happy she remembered what i told her. i had no idea if she meant it when she said she would remember.

she had no idea i had a package for her already en route.

today she wrote me saying she opened the box and felt her heart when she saw the blue flame artwork.

see, hannah is a little hot-headed aries. but she can be as cold as ice. so i told her, blue is the hottest part of the flame. while the other parts of the fire rage out of control, blue stays focused, centered, like a laser. the blue flame is too hot to handle, too cold to hold. be the blue flame.

i spent months looking for a visual representation for her to meditate on. and when i saw this, i knew it was hannah. because, the butt. hannah’s butt is ridiculous.

you can not get distracted. if you want to understand the fabric of reality, you have to be able to catch the code.

sarah mentioned the patterns she’s seeing come in 3’s.

i just reread a post i had written a while ago about a triad of 3’s making a holy 9.

so i searched holy 9 and it brought me to a post about glitches in the matrix.

so…go search holy 9. enjoy having your mind blown (which is the best kind of blown, if you can believe it).

he kept saying 11:11

and every time he said it, i smiled because i always see 12:12

strange electricity happening. been a long time.

“that’s what the world is made of, that quantum stuff,” he said.

nearly echoing what I said two posts in a row–this world is energy.

yesterday experienced synchronicity. wish you were here led to wish you were here, led to an image of a man on fire which reminded me of watching a woman light herself on fire earlier that day. a synchronicity palindrome.

so i texted him, have you noticed synchronicities? like random things or references repeating?

he did not answer and i told myself to wait. the waves were not strong but they were there.

and this morning, sarah texts. asking me about paper lanterns.

when i was thinking about her all last week while searching my blog for something specific for him, and i was wondering why she had asked me about paper lanterns months ago. i almost called her too. and here she was.

paper lanterns?

you wouldn’t believe it, sarah. i’m looking at one right now and don’t know what to make of it.

she said she has been seeing number patterns. 111, 222, 333. she said that everything she’s read, Jung, angel numbers, jewish numbers, only seems to say these patterns mean to pay attention. exactly what i had told him.

so i was going to see him today, and made a mental note to talk to him about patterns. he was supposed to come over on tuesday but i had to leave early, and he had wanted to come over earlier but i had to make a quick run. as i was pulling out, he was driving in.

synchronicity, he finally replied. then i remember on tuesday when i had said no, we had also passed each other at the entrance of the complex in the exact same way.

as i was driving to my delivery, i thought about deja vu. about dreaming of the future. of meeting the people whom you have dreamed about, and recognizing them from before time. and then suddenly there is electricity, and the code begins to reveal itself in tiny little coincidences and randomness and it seems that you’re 2 beings speaking 2 languages to someone you believe exists in and above this world, as you do.

and then…

like the many times you have looked up and spoken to the moon, feeling a palpable sense of being seen and understood by something so enveloping and knowing, you are convinced you will receive proof of life…

there’s nothing.

just a flatline.

sarah, you’ve asked, what are paper lanterns? what are their meanings?

and perhaps you wonder, is it enough to uproot entire earth over.

i told you, to get the answers you seek, you must ask the right questions.

super empath. magnetic reality changer. the architect of human perception.

i have immense psychic capabilities but am spiritually blind.

what i can do:

get inside people without touching them.

find their pain. most people will tell you.

help them distance themselves from that pain.

show them a reality in which they’ve already reached their dream.

make them believe.

michelangelo carved into stone until he set the angel free.

i do the same with people.

this universe is energy.

the mental energy all of us use to define reality and live within it, can just as easily be directed at projecting reality.

rather than passively living reality as a movie, become the writer and the director of the existence you want.

9/20/19

happy birthday adrian. thank you for finding me. i always believed you were coming.

9/20-21/19

played in our showcase. this was an important one. jason told me. so i’ve been training hard but it’s been a struggle to know if i’m overtraining or if i can maintain this. just scared for my body. day 1 we had two games. i came off the bench. my goal was to play hard defense and work my ass off. i don’t want coach to see me tired or lagging. ready or not here we go.

i didn’t take any shots the first game. but i hustled on defense, set screens made good passes, got an assist on a sick cut by aj. i want to run a pick and roll with tashia, maryam and aj. i feel if we catch the slip, it’s like surfing. they will ride that wave and dunk that bitch.

(oh today i got a warning. apparently in college you under no circumstances can cuss. i made a risky pass but luckily my teammate dug it out. the ref came up to me shortly after and said, be careful of profanity. you get a 1 game suspension for that. i asked him what i said, but he just repeated the thing about the suspension and i had no idea. after the game i asked him and he said i said shit. i laughed and told him i’m going to get my doctor to write me a note saying i have tourette’s just in case. i’m not getting my ass suspended because i had no idea i cussed.

yesterday i was coming off the bench and that’s okay. iguodala comes off the bench and he’s the veteran, playmaker and crucial architect of wins.

this was my mentality:

and then today, in our first game against the hardest competitor, i got to start. i knew it was for my defense yesterday. and i locked that shit down. i remember this one guard on a breakaway layup, and i thought, i’m gonna catch her. i literally felt my stride get longer and i chased her down, stopping her from going to the basket. i missed my first 4 shots, but then hit a 3 that went in clean. what bothered me was that they all felt good and just don’t know why they didn’t go in but sometimes that happens. but my defense was nuts today.

i gave everything today. my body is wrecked. i’m going to spend tomorrow recovering, then hopefully wake up to a four pack on monday. that would be so great.

good night.

been working on getting this thing back in running order. it’s been neglected for so long and i’m sorry. but it never changed, me hiding in plain site.

just need to prepare to talk to the world again.

in the meantime.

hello old friend.

it’s been a long, long time. lots of nights with darkness lit by slivers of light, and an absolute conviction you were out there. often i thought you were the moon. maybe it’s because you were looking at it too, wondering if it was me.

i dreamed of you often. i did not yet know that love transcends time and space. i thought it meant something else, before i understand it’s not just an emotion. it is the raw flesh spiritual connection that connects our spirits. to be torn apart might mean an actual death, but to date, the spirit never dies. only our human bodies. and our memories. when we crossover, they lose their value, though in life, these (and hope) keep us living.

so what is it i want to tell you, since i don’t know how long this window will be open.

dreams.

yes.

they are a reflection of our minds (self), the world from which we come (space), and the future (time). think of these things as dimensions, and then you will see how important dreams are, and the magnificent possibility when you can exert your will on them.

because this life is the dream of our collective soul. imagine a box filled with darkness. and inside were a billion tiny lights facing inward reflecting a collective area. these lights are our billions of consciousnesses. some shine bright (self aware), some are dim (less aware). they might shine in different areas making some areas lighter or darker. but what they collectively shine, is our collective reality. our collective dream. so change our dream, change our reality.

who will lead this awareness? the 22s. whether they were born 22, or named 22s.

to save this world, we need the courage of 22s.

we need the mentorship and passion of 29s.

we need the heart and compassion of 9.

and we need the 8s to finance this thing.

look. this shit happening is unreal. this seems like a giant joke but people are dying. this country is being given away, just some people knew at the underbelly of this country was a seething resentment that a group of people who built what they have on the exploitation of others, and would one day lose that power because given the opportunity, those who work hard will rise up no matter where they come from, and this little dangerous but minority uprising has been awaken.

but this world is filled with awakened souls. our voices are everywhere. those in leadership build stability. and many many sacrifice. we have to know WE can make this reality. we can end this dream at anytime. we can make it the one we want and need. for our kids. for our future.

this is what you need to do first.

wake up human. it’s not the dream they told you. it’s not what they put on you. the feelings. the doubt. the self loathing. the self doubt. ask yourself why you do the things you do, why do you react the way you react. start watching yourself like you are watching yourself in a dream. and you will start waking up. this is all a dream. you are acting out your script. wake up.

then you have to identify your path. what is it you want to do, need to do. what is your superpower. what fills your soul with purpose? then move towards it. step by step. as quickly as you can, but don’t rush. the goal is to get to a place and version of yourself where you completely embody yourself. imagine if the you in your human body is the size of the you in a dream, then imagine, the size of the dreamer. that’s how big you need to feel.

when i became 29 and started embodying it, sometimes in pictures i would look HUGE. like on the court, wearing 29, i looked like i was jumping 3 feet in the air, or the biggest girl on the court. when i’m not. but that’s how big you have to realize yourself. imagine yourself so big, the you you are right now is just a person in a dream.

when you’re that size, or can get to a place where you can focus and become that version of yourself, you can affect reality. the key to getting to this place is CONFIDENCE. i can’t stress this enough. there is absolutely no way around this. you literally need to turn your balls into magnets. because that’s where magic happens. it’s science. this world is all energy.

get it?

don’t worry. you will :)

Ever since this site started falling apart technically because I was afraid to do the updates and lose content, I stopped posting, mostly because I couldn’t post on the fly anymore. Or maybe because my life stabilized, so I had less time to do what I love to do–go out and watch from the shadows, talk to strangers, try to catch a glimpse of the code within the fabric of our universe.

In the time since, I’ve grown, I’ve mentored, my focus in life shifted and reshifted. I met the love of my life in the form of a little boy whom I had been dreaming about since I was in my 20s. Whereas I used to always have recurring dreams of people I knew from before time (the blue man, the little 22 boy named Adrian), after I met them, those dreams stopped.

And then about a month ago. I had a dream of someone I knew from before time and it was the same feeling–like meeting a long lost friend you had forgotten all about, and then that familiar feeling of closeness and relief in having found them again. In that moment, your soul is completely lit up like a sun against a night sky, you wonder, how did I ever forget you were in this world?

And then it happened again a couple weeks later.

The first dream, I ran into him and I said, how did I forget about you? I couldn’t believe it. It was a feeling of suddenly finding what I had no idea I had lost.

The second dream happened the night of Sunday 9/8. A 29 day. I dreamed of a little boy, he was 2 years old, yet he and I were best friends and so happy to see each other. I went to give him a hug and inside him, a firecracker lit up and burned red. At first I panicked–the little boy was hugging me so…close. I wanted to pull away because it made me feel like a pedophile.  But just as soon as that feeling came, I realized, it’s okay. Because we are the same age.  I was a little girl too.

When I woke up, I was puzzled because that was 2 dreams in a row of that “feeling”–a closeness, like 2 halves realizing their completeness in the place before time, and getting a chance to meet there again.

It was a good dream–those kinds of dreams always are. They make me feel safe and comforted. They remind me there is more to this world, and I have connections beyond this world. That love doesn’t go away or die when we come back. We just don’t recognize it when we are here.

But the dreams also confused me. Previously they had signified people I would meet in the future, I didn’t quite know why I was having this type of dream again now, when I felt my life was set. I thought about it for a couple of days but there weren’t really any answers.

2 days later, someone showed me something that broke my heart, and I gave him a hug. Later, he told me sometimes he has dreams that end up coming true later, like he perceives reality in advance. And something clicked in my head. I am positive he was the little boy in that dream.

people exist at different levels. a single person can exist at many levels. i would say i’m not spiritually the equivalent of a high rise, but maybe a 6 story condo. i prefer to go wide than deep. i am frustrated to have a human body. why do straight girls always want to kiss me?

Reflection

In the year 2009, on 9/9/9, I went to Seattle to live a year in solitude, intending to return 9/9/10. I meditated on the number 29, and my mantra became: 9 needs 11 to get to 22. I also knew I was looking for an earth sign, the Prince of Disks because how close he was or far away was a way I gauged if I was on my path. Then came my earth prince, a 9 like me.  9.20 9:02, arriving as a 22. We named him 29.

Sometimes you look at numbers and you think, they’re just numbers. And sometimes you see them and you get a glimpse of the code in the fabric.

So mostly it’s been technical problems. And simply plugging in for a while. I met a psychic years and years ago who told me once I get plugged in, everything will start falling into place. But I didn’t know how. Everything was an echo around me. I was always searching, searching, but so fearful of the dark. So I never really felt connected. To something bigger than me. To something that would have me interacting with people like normal human beings.

I think the first sign that my blog and I would drift was when my 29 broke. That number is me. I heard that there are certain communities who know me as 29. It’s who I am and what I represent. Then I couldn’t post from my phone anymore. I couldn’t post my thoughts in the moment. I couldn’t sit in public places and have conversations with my blog and an infinite echo. Sometimes I think about the guy who helped me make this blog in the first place. He was a lot younger than me, having an affair with a woman a lot older than me. He told me things had ended even though they still saw each other at the gym. I thought he was a friend of my brother’s so I trusted him, found him charming. But then when I found out he still had something going on with her–in that I flew in to surprise him once because he said he was feeling sick, and he didn’t cancel a “hang out and watch a movie” night he’d planned with her, I knew that it wasn’t going to work out. And I remember he got so mad at ME, like I’d used him and betrayed him.

Anyway, there are times over the years when I think about my broken blog and wish I could just ask him to fix it, because this thing once was the most precious thing to me, but I always completely cut things off when I realize it’s not the right path. I never move backwards, only forwards. I just carry all the memories with me.

Like Christian from Naples from the cruise. To be honest that same psychic told me I’d pissed him off with my words and to leave him alone so I did. She was some lady I’d met at a party, I don’t know if she was psychic or a psychic, but considering she didn’t even know that I had a blog and said that Jerry and I would be friends for a very long time which was true, I just assumed she was right. I’m timid with reaching out to people to begin with. But sometimes I think about him, and want to tell him that a Virgo turned out to be the love of my life.

People who knew me from back in the day ask me, do you still write? Not really. I write different things now. Some are good, some are functional. Every once in a while I get inspiration, but I let it pass a lot. I think mostly I got talking so much to myself. And I realized I’m somehow a mental sprinter with incredible endurance, but I don’t have the focus for marathons. Writing every tree while showing the forest was difficult for me. But I also wonder if when I die, I will leave behind one single work. And that will be my life’s masterpiece.

A gemini always needs at least two of everything. Maybe my one will be my greatness.

A new post! This thing has been like a ghost ship. So many things broke. Like 29. Why is it 29? I’ve never been 29. I will forever be 29. And now there’s a new 29 in my life. The only saving grace is that the search engines are blocked so I’m still hiding in plain site.

meow

So much has happened since. The hardest thing has been not being able to send posts on the fly anymore since the link is broken. But soon…there will be another forum that will allow me to do that. And allow the rest of the world.

So much has changed even since my last post. The end of the year almost felt like the darkest of night, but isn’t that what they say, the night is darkest right before dawn? Such struggle, such despair, such unknown, and then suddenly…light.

That’s the thing about getting older though…you see things more clearly but the big difference is acceptance. Life marches on, life is the way it is, life is not easy, perfect nor a forever upward trajectory. But life is what you make of it, when you’re living life. And from there, it’s up to you to start living.

Two babies on the way. One to change the world. One to change my life. My life’s work. It’s gotten to the point where it’s no longer about dreaming, but about how do I tie up the strings and bring it to life. I hope and pray…to make an impact. This is what I will be remembered for.

Correction. This is the beginning of what I’ll be remembered for.

If you find that you’re draining yourself begging and fighting for someone to take care of you, this is a sign you’re really not taking care of yourself. You are fighting for something that simply isn’t there.

Self respect, Julia.

In a world of billions of people, if one person is not willing to be there with you, work with you, take care of you, why are you acting like there’s only one person in the world?

When you find that one in a billion, he will be there for you because he wants to be here and he is. There won’t be any questions. There won’t be any fighting. He’ll just be there. And in your heart, you will feel peace.

That’s how you will know when you have the one.

He asked me if I was not feeling good. I told him yes. Instead of doing something, dealing with it, saying we should talk about it, he got drunk.

He’s always thinking about things and that’s his substitute for doing things or addressing things. He thinks once he 100% grasps things, then he’ll deal with things, but you’ll never be able to understand everything. All that does is prevent you from dealing. Facing. Resolving.

Our dynamic is I give and give and then I realize he’s not giving back. When I point it out, it’s like pulling teeth until I want to leave. Then he gives, but what he gives is just a promise that he’ll give in the future, or that he’s here with me. Just being there is not enough. Just committing to be there is not enough. Commitment doesn’t end at just promising to always be there. And the cycle keeps repeating. What he gives me are these promises that he’s going to take care of me. He’s going to face things, deal with things. These are like that gift certificate. But when I go to redeem the things he says, that he be there in the moment with me, he’s gone. Like the certificate, when you go to redeem it, you find out it’s worthless. Except maybe for more promises.

I dreamed that there were spiders all over the bedroom, the thick black scary kinds. I yelled for him to do something and he went into the bathroom. I was yelling to hurry. I saw a big one crawl under the bed. Once you lose track of them, you don’t feel comfortable in your own bed because you know it’s somewhere in the room but don’t know where. I waited, thinking maybe he was grabbing a bunch of cups or doing something to be able to get all of them so that was why it was taking so long. Then I looked into the bathroom and he was looking at himself in the mirror, inspecting himself. I yelled at him, what are you doing??? I was panicked that he had no sense of urgency, angry with him. In my head, I said, “It’s over.” I can’t deal with this anymore.

The spiders are a symbol for our problems. If they aren’t taken care of they lurk, and you don’t feel comfortable in the place you need to feel safe because you know they’re there somewhere, but you don’t know when they’ll rear their ugly head. He knows I’m scared of spiders and I waited for him to come back and do something. I told myself to be calm, that maybe he was taking longer because he needed to grab more paper or cups to deal with all of them. But when I looked, he was looking at himself in the mirror. Maybe he really didn’t have a sense of urgency, or maybe he was scared of the spiders so that was his way of not dealing, or delaying. But in that moment, I knew that’s the kind of person he is and I just can’t count on him.

****

I like him, I really do.  But you gotta ask yourself if you can do this for the rest of your life.

what’s “this?” Thoughtlessness? Selfishness? Stinginess? What is this?

“This” is all of the above.  All of the crying, all of the arguing, all of the questioning, all of the problems, all of the fixing, all of the stories, all of the times you have to ask me for advice, all of the times you have to pull Shello away to talk to her, all of the times you close the door to talk to Jean.

“This,” is everything.

I know he has a good heart, and I know you’re not perfect either.  But you deserve better.

I wrote this. I almost didn’t recognize that I did! This was for the collection I wanted to write. Perspectives.

I knew this girl once, Mindy. Mindy was a star employee. She must have gotten straight A’s through high school but got sidetracked smoking pot in college and hanging out with the artsy crowd. She was an Asian girl who seemed to simultaneously look too deep into your eyes while not really looking into your eyes. She was so serious. So funny. So bizarre, so unknown. No one knew anything about her life outside of the office, and she never went to company social functions, always claiming she’d be out of town. She’d probably had a black boyfriend somewhere in her history, she just seemed like the type. But here she was in our office, always wearing conservative sweaters (usually black) with her hair tied back and glasses, always focused in her cubicle getting things done. She fucked our quota every month. We all hated her, but she was nice and she was a chick so we felt guilty for hating her. I think deep down we all secretly wanted to fuck her just to know what she was about. I remember my moment. It was one afternoon. We were on an emergency run to the printers for brochures, getting stuck in traffic on the way back. We’d never been alone together outside of the office, and we made idle, awkward conversation. I got a text from my ex, who was giving me shit about some money I owe her. Who’s that, she asked. My ex, I said. She’s fucking crazy. Mindy shook her head. If she’s crazy, why are you talking to her? She’s always texting me, I said. Then stop answering her!, she yelled. I was offended for a second, but then she burst out laughing. I started laughing too. It was such an obvious thing. And in that moment, I wanted to reach over into the sash of sunlight across her arm and touch her. I wanted to know her skin.

But that’s another story. So the company loves her. She’s a little quirky, takes the dress code monotonously, but she gets shit done. So everyone leaves her alone. Then one day, I get a message from my friend Rob in IT to come over to his cubicle.

I get there and he’s got this grin on his face, like the fucker’s sitting there with my toothbrush up his ass, just waiting for me to find out.

What’s up?, I say.

So…the company had me install a program so we can track communication coming in and out of the office. Emails, IMs, that sort of thing.

What? When did this happen?

Well technically no one’s supposed to know, so keep it on the DL. They just want to track what’s coming in and out of the company.

They’re spying on us?!?

Look, don’t lose the plot, man. Check this. I’ve been looking at the logs. Here’s what you’re messaging this morning. Business, business, asking Carl if he caught Family Guy last night, boring shit.

What’s your point?

Here’s what… Mindy was writing.

First of all, there were a lot of conversations. It looked like in a matter of a couple of hours, she’d had over 30 conversations with different people. How was she so fucking efficient?

What am I looking for, Rob.

Keep looking. Look for anything that might stand out.

I scrolled through quickly but it seemed like office stuff regarding logistics, follow-ups and internal communication. About three-fourths down the file, my eyes screetched to a halt. I saw the word.

Blowjob.

I scrolled back up and Rob laughed knowingly.

She was talking to someone.

KAT8: hey
MindE614: what’s up
KAT8: need to ask you a question
MindE614: go for it
KAT8: do you ever have any problems getting a guy to come when you’re giving a blowjob?
MindE614: no
KAT8: oh
MindE614: well sometimes if they’ve already cum multiple times.
Kat8: oh
MindE614: why. What happened?
Kat8: I don’t know if it’s me and I’m not doing it right.
MindE614: are you massaging his balls?
Kat8: yeah, but I don’t do it very hard because I don’t want to hurt him.
MindE614: are you using your hand?
Kat8: what do you mean?
MindE614: you want to slide your hand along with your mouth, so it feels deeper. Use both hands, one to massage his balls and one to stroke. If you wanna be pro, try stroking his g spot while you massage his balls and if he’s getting close, pick up the pace but whatever you do, don’t alter the pace!
Kat8: ok, thanks. I’ll have to practice that.
MindE614: whatever you do, just relax. Have fun. Don’t make it work
Kat8: you’re the best! Hey are you going to andy’s bbq on Saturday?
MindE614: oh crap, I can’t make it. I’m going to be out of town.
Kat8: alright. We have to hang out sometime.
MindE614: for sure.
Kat8: bye

I was speechless. I look at Rob. He just looks at me like he needs a cigarette.

We need to date this girl to figure out what’s up, he says.

I laugh, and get back to work.

Later that day, I see Mindy leaving.

What are you doing this weekend, I ask her as she passes by.

Oh, I don’t know. A friend of mine is having a bbq.

Sounds great, I say. Have fun.

Thanks, she says and she walks away.

I went home and jacked off, coming so hard I nearly blacked out.

Best of Reddit’s Glitch the Matrix Board:

We have a breakfast laid on at work every morning, just a simple buffet of eggs, bacon what have you. Nothing huge and it’s really only to feed about a dozen people or so. I am usually one of the first guys from my team to get to work and the kitchen was deserted as usual. I walked into the little kitchen, there was a ceramic egg tray thing with 12 eggs in it, like the bottom half of an egg carton with a socket for each egg. All spaces are filled with warm freshly boiled eggs.

I take one, walk over to the garbage bin, shuck the shell then I walk back over to the food and stop dead. There are 12 eggs in the tray again. No one entered the room while I was peeling the thing. I touched the mystery egg it was the same temp as the other eggs around it.

Not a big thing, nothing major, but something very strange. Given one does not get presented with strange eggs from a parallel universe every day I peeled and ate that one too.

*****

About 4 or 5 years ago I worked at a Little Caesars Pizza. Usually I would work inside on the pizzas but we had just started up this Monday Madness deal where pizzas were only $4 on Monday so we needed someone to advertise. I was a wild and weird metalhead so I took up the position on Mondays of just going out there, throwing around a sign to get attention, and bring people in for pizza. Not exactly glamorous but I had fun.

One day while I was out there doing my thing I see a van coming straight at me. It jumps the curb and slams in to me and I feel it crush me against the electrical box controlling the street lights. I see a quick flash as the traffic lights flick off then black out.

I gasp and I’m still on the corner and nothing has happened. No van or anything. Well, I was a little shaken up so I decide to pack it up and walk back to the store for a break. I walk no more than 15 feet away from the corner when I hear a crash. I look back and a van just hopped the curb in to the electrical box and I watch the traffic lights flick off.

Needless to say, I took the day off. Still think about that from time to time.

*****

When I was 15 I was incredibly depressed and struggling with my OCD and anxiety. It got to the point that I decided to kill myself. I arranged everything (Note, when, where, how etc.) and waited. I waited about a week until my parents went out to dinner. I attached a note to my door telling my parents not to come in and to just call the police, got dressed in my nicest clothes, showered, did my hair, and put a suicide note in my shirt pocket. My father had a number of guns and I chose one of them to do the deed with — a Beretta 92 handgun or something like that. I went into my bedroom, turned on some music and laid down on my bed. I put the barrel into my mouth, sang a few lines of ‘Freefallin’ through tears and pulled the trigger.

Then it went into a third person type thing where I was just watching myself. I saw myself laying dead on my bed, slumped over and bleeding everywhere. I watched myself lie in my own gore for what seemed like forever. Then suddenly it felt like all the wind get knocked out of me, and I was back in my body.

click

The gun jammed. I just threw it onto the ground and sobbed into my pillow for hours before cleaning up everything and going to sleep.

I have no idea what happened that day, but I’m more grateful than you can imagine. After that I really made an effort to turn my life around, and it did. It’s scary thinking that I wouldn’t be here right now if it worked.

*****