Echo

I just love Clive Owen.

Just saw Closer, which I’ve been eagerly awaiting since I first saw the preview months ago. Personally, I loved it. I understand that the play was probably amazing and it was nearly a direct adaptation so it’s not necessarily amazing by cinematic standards, but the performances were outstanding and I loved the dialogue and the handling of its themes. One scene, in which Clive Owen’s character demands to know every detail of his wife’s (Julia Roberts) extra-marital sexual encounter, was so brutally honest and painful that I really felt traumatized. Like watching your parents beat the shit out of each other. The whole movie was brutally honest. It has to be one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen, but I loved it. I’m just a masochist that way.

The film makes you feel like relationships are pointless if we are looking to be fulfilled in every way, or are expecting permanence. Because at the end of the day, if you want to have a relationship with another human being, there is bound to be pain and disappointment, as all human beings are fallible and it’s just what you have to expect and accept. But we always expect more out of people–more love, more devotion, more honesty, more attention–than any human being can possibly give for as long as we want it (forever).

In the movie, Jude Law has an affair with Julia Roberts and the two leave their respective partners to be with each other. The two abandoned partners go through their own personal hell. But when Julia goes to get her husband to sign the divorce papers, he says he’ll only do it if she sleeps with him one last time, so that she can be his whore and he can get over her. So she does it, but tells Jude about it because they had always promised to be honest with each other. But of course, he can’t deal with this betrayal.

Here’s the funny thing that I understand. Yes, they are both guilty of cheating on their partners. But their reasoning was that they were both in unhappy relationships when they were truly in love with each other. So they both face that “honesty” and leave their partners for each other to start this partnership of love on a fated level. Nevermind that it was born in dishonesty and infidelity, their newly born love affair is now pure. But when Julia’s character sleeps with her husband in order for things to be better for them, this is a betrayal of this relationship, and that’s why Jude can’t forgive her. Yes, it’s both hypocritical and understandable. Life is so much more complex than black and white ethics. Emotions can not be rationalized and rationalization can not completely dissect emotions.

It’s amazing how distrust will undermine any relationship and every relationship. “I’m waiting for you to leave me.” This was a theme in the movie. One that everyone can probably relate to. How many times in your life have you found yourself looking for the moment when the other shoe drops and the relationship ends? If it’s not you, then it’s gonna be them. Because there’s only going to be one relationship that doesn’t end, and that’s the one that you just happen to be in when you die. So what do we do? I think we have to temper our expectations to make them more reasonable. But what about that need to rest? To be able to know that the person you love isn’t going anywhere? Why do human beings have to be so fallible? Or why do we have such a vulnerable need for security?

I hope I never fall for anyone again. I honestly do. Because while it’s amazing while it lasts, it’s terrible trying to recover from the disappointment and loss. Like getting off drugs. Euphoria followed by a devastating withdrawal process in order to get it out of your system so that you can return to feeling normal again. Relationships work best as a secondary system of support, not as a defining measure of who you are.

Happy Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day!!

Today is officially Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day! While this isn’t a national holiday, Dec. 3rd is a day to be celebrated, according to me. This special day is in honor of all the stupid people (mostly in LA), who will say the most asinine things to be quoted as the unnamed “eyewitness” in celebrity gossip blurbs.

Example:

The New York Post says that Mary-Kate Olsen‘s ex-boyfriend, David Katzenberg (son of DreamWorks tycoon Jeffrey), flew to Los Angeles last weekend in hopes of bumping into her and perhaps wooing her back.

But Katzenberg’s plan supposedly hit a major snag when he had an ill-timed run-in with Mary-Kate’s current squeeze, businessman Ali Fatourechi.

And the Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness says! :

“They were both at [the L.A. restaurant] Toast, sitting across from each other at separate tables,” an eyewitness tells the paper. “They were staring each other down — it was really uncomfortable.”

Ooooh. Deep thoughts. By non-celebrity attention whores.

So in honor of this special day, let’s all proudly show our colors as Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eye Witnesses!

Here are some eyewitnesses in all their glory:

-Dennis Quaid was spotted at a light in West LA driving a late-model metallic blue 7-series BMW. According to an eyewitness, “When the light turned green, Dennis did not abide by merging rules and instead, sped up to merge in front of me instead of behind me. It was really uncomfortable.”

-Queen Latifah was recently seen dining at [the LA restaurant] Toast, exhibiting behavior that shocked fellow diners. Said one eyewitness, “She ordered the salad/soup combo, but she wanted her dressing on the side with no carrots and extra croutons, but she wanted the salad served before the soup with a decaf nonfat vanilla latte to follow. And then she asked for a lowfat blueberry-lemon muffin to go! To go! What? She can’t eat at the table like the rest of us human beings? The most atrocious thing was when the waitress cam back and asked if she needed anything else, and the ‘Queen’ quickly whipped out her credit card and asked, “Do you take American Express?” Are you KIDDING me? Who the hell does she think she is??? There were CHILDREN in the restaurant! Needless to say, and I think everyone else in the restaurant will agree with me, the whole episode left a very bad taste in my mouth.”

-Ben Stiller was seen at a concession stand of a movie theater, looking puzzled at the menu. “It was like he didn’t know what he wanted,” said one eyewitness who was in line behind him. “I mean, there are only so many things that a movie theater offers. It’s not like there’s gonna be any surprises. And the longer he stared at it, the more it started creeping me out. And his wife just stood there and didn’t say anything! Looks like either someone’s on the verge of a breakdown, or a marriage is on the rocks to me…”

-Michelle Pfeiffer was seen in the Palisades picking up her son from his speech therapy appointment. According to one eye witness, “Let’s just say, she was driving a car, but it most definitely wasn’t a minivan. And when she pulled out of the driveway, she couldn’t even be bothered to put on her turn signal! I’m not judgmental, but I think most people would agree with me that someone who hasn’t had a box office hit in years doesn’t get to act like a *$&@ing diva.”

-Adam Sandler was recently spotted playing basketball at a public park in Westwood. One eyewitness observed, “He was wearing a heavy cotton-blend golf shirt while playing basketball. Who does that? And it was ugly, too. Frankly, I was appalled. And you know what else I think? Closet case…“

– At a Lakers game last month, Jack Nicholson was overheard mumbling, “His beady little eyes were dwarfed by his superior forehead and further deanimated by his angular, slacked jaw. But his skin was soft and translucent, like a baby rabbit’s ass. Mmmm…baby rabbit ass. Wouldn’t YOU like to know where I’ve hidden the baby rabbit ass, you beady-eyed robot man! Don’t test me, kid. I want to wear your skin…” While the official word from Jack’s people is that the actor was merely utilizing doctor-prescribed peyote in order to finish an erotic-western novel in honor of National Novel Writing Month, others believe he was actually commenting on former teen actor James Van der Beek, who happened to also be in attendance that night. Van der Beek, on the other hand, was apparently causing quite a stir. An eyewitness at the game confided, “At one point, the ball flew out of bounds and hit that Dawson’s Creek kid on his forehead, but he didn’t even blink. Not even a change of expression! And by the way, I saw him eating nachos AND garlic fries along with a bunless hot dog. Atkins my ass…”

-Ron Jeremy was seen backstage an Ashlee Simpson concert, fervently pitching a coming-of-age romantic-comedy to her agent. Kindly, he took the time to pose for pictures with fans and gawkers. But according to one eyewitness who wasn’t so impressed by the man’s numerous film credits, “He smelled funny. Kinda like a freezer-burned corndog.”

-Zach Braff and Mandy Moore were spotted in a Century City movie theater canoodling at an opening-night screening of Kinsey. Despite the fact that the extraordinary actor turned writer/director triple threat has used his new found fame to snag (shag?) younger post-teen up-and-comers, the fame has not gone to the young man’s massive orange-on-a-toothpick head. He was overheard graciously agreeing to have his picture taken with a group of fans (even though this promise must have slipped his mind as he and Mandy sprinted out of the theater as soon as the credits rolled). Though one eyewitness noticed, “He shushed someone in the theater for laughing too loud, even though I could have sworn his guffaws were the ones overpowering everyone else’s in the theater over the clit joke.” When asked about Mandy Moore’s reaction to the scene, the eyewitness recounted, “I don’t think she noticed. I think Peter Saargard’s flaccid penis magnified on a large movie theater screen was making her uncomfortable.”

-Sources say, Gary Busey was found passed out in an alley behind a Hollywood dive bar last weekend, laying in a pool of his own vomit and urine with his penis exposed. When Robert Downey Jr. was questioned as to why he was found behind a dumpster only six feet away with an empty syringe needle still hanging from his arm, he was quoted as saying, “I suck dick for crack. What’s your point?” An eyewitness at the scene told this reporter, “My Secret Santa got me Robert Downey Jr.’s CD for Christmas last year. I tried to sell it to the used CD store and they gave me a buck sixty for it. I used that money to buy a Mounds bar and a taquito at 7-11. The taquito burned my tongue. I guess I ate it too fast.” Calls to either celebrity’s publicist were not returned.

You Want More?

31. I get scared when I’m laying in the dark and things are too quiet.
32. I always sleep on my side with a pillow between my legs. Ever since I was a little kid.
33. I propositioned the lead singer of a somewhat well-known band and he was willing, but I chickened out.
34. I’m obsessed with my arms and like them when they’re cut.
35. Sometimes when I look people in the eye, I can immediately tell which ones occasionally cry themselves to sleep. And all I want to do is give them a hug.
36. My hands shake when I get nervous.
37. I once offered to read tarot cards for a stranger and she would always call me, asking me if she would gain custody of her kids. And I told her to work out her own feelings first about the divorce, even though I had a dark feeling of dread that she was unraveling and going to hurt her estranged husband.
38. I think women lie too much.
39. I think men lie too much.
40. I think we’re all trapped on this earth.
41. I resent gravity.
42. I think Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy.
43. I think there was more to our beloved ex-president than we’d care to know.
44. I think there were quite a few nights when Jesus sat alone into the wee hours of morning, staring at the sky, wondering what the hell he was doing here and freaked out that maybe he’d gotten in over his head, wondering if maybe all the things he was saying to people was idealistic bullshit, because he was just as scared of this world as everyone else.
45. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of life.
46. I constantly crave Gatorade.
47. I think my brother is gay.
48. I think we hold all of our loved ones as emotional prisoners.
49. I once sat for hours watching a line of ants devour a peach until there was nothing left except a completely clean, pock-marked pit. And I felt a deep sense of loss when the peach was gone.
50. I get severely depressed when people try to get too close to me.
51. I get severely depressed when people go away.
52. I wish there was a pill you could pop for loneliness.
53. My scariest recurring nightmare is the one where my teeth fall out.
54. Sometimes when I hug someone or talk to someone, I’ll just know that this is the last time I’ll ever see them.
55. I envy you all. All of you out there who don’t really exist.
56. There is no time to worry about the inevitable.
57. I think about it all the time.
58. But I still don’t know what it is.
59. Do you?

No, #21 is true. It woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to email my mom, telling me exactly what to say, and that email caught her at a moment when she was entrenched in thoughts of killing herself.

How’s that for intervention?

I have to go to Portland. Colin just told me that during winter, the people just nest and fuck up there when the weather gets cold.

Speaking of Confessions…Pt II

1. I listen to cheesy love songs from the 70s 80s and 90s
2. I wrote secret admirer letters to one of my instructors in college out of sheer boredom and the fact that he was extremely unattractive, so I thought it would brighten up his day.
3. I have only 2 more signs to make out with before I’ve made out with at least 1 person of every sign.
4. I used to dial up random numbers on weekend nights because I have a theory that people are so lonely, they’ll talk to anyone.
5. I have videos that would ruin any political career that I could possibly aspire to.
6. I’m a complete asshole and don’t treat anyone well.
7. I once beat up a boy because I liked him and didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
8. I was sexually assaulted by someone I was dating.
9. Sometimes when I lie awake at night, I wonder, if I knew that I could get away with it in the eyes of God and the law, if there is someone I would happily kill.
10. I slept with a guy who looked like my ex-boyfriend just to prove that I wasn’t afraid of my ex-boyfriend anymore.
11. I once told someone I loved him just to get him to sleep with me.
12. I am terrified of cops.
13. I am homophobic towards lesbians.
14. I wake up every morning wondering if someone I love will die today.
15. I am distrusting of people with blue eyes.
16. I can not be in an enclosed space alone with anyone, male or female, without being scared of being raped.
17. I have the magical power of turning guys gay.
18. I have never kissed another girl.
19. I watched an older relative of mine cheat on her husband as I silently raged.
20. If there were no such things as STDs, I would devote my life to having sex all of the time.
21. I have talked to a ghost.
22. Getting people to reveal their inner most thoughts is like sex for me.
23. I have a doctor fetish because I have a thing for people who smell and look “clean.”
24. I wish I could know what sex is like for a man.
25. I’m terrified that people secretly think I’m dumb.
26. I won’t date Asians because statistically, they have the smallest penises.
27. I’d like to start a cult.
28. I think Jesus just had a good publicist.
29. I think women need to stop thinking with their hearts, and start thinking with their penises.
30. I am drunk as I write this.

But not all of these are true.

11/30 Recap

Oh hell yeah! 11/30. The last day of November. It’s beautiful, isn’t? Let’s get rid of these dark thoughts and move on to sunnier days. It’s been a hell of a month, hasn’t it? We had to look at the underbelly of things. Of our lives. Our relationships. Who are we? What is love? What the hell are we doing in this place, granted with the sudden, unexpected responsibility of life?

God, I had to face some ghosts. Didn’t you? But you know what? At the end of the day, there’s always something to live for. Wanting to know the next page of this book.To be surprised by the possibility of love around the corner. Of the good in people. Of a day when you can feel that what you do and who you are really matters in this world. And we all got through it. And that’s seriously something awesome.

So I’m sitting here, doing some writing, listening to my Ambulance LTD CD. It’s so, so good. It’s what Keane is to Brian. Something about it, I just emotionally gravitate towards it. And I was just thinking that…life is good. I love the little roller coasters that life brings. Each month with its flavors, its sweet highs and richer lows.

I’ve been reading a wide variety of books lately and I love how all these people, these writers , have such different voices. Personalities. You end up trying to imagine what kind of person the writer is. It’s kind of why I like blogs. You see the inner workings of so many different types of people. It’s a way of psychically traveling, experiencing far away things, mystical things. It’s hypnotic, the way looking in a kaleidoscope was mesmerizing for us when we were kids.

I feel terrible about my work situation. Everything in life is just a relationship, you know? All relationships are degreed mirrors of each other. The dynamic between my company and I are like, they want me to care more and invest more of my attention on them, but I just won’t. I can’t find it in me because I just don’t love them and even when I try, my heart is not in it. And so they’re offering me gifts to get me to commit to them, but I just can’t. And it’s not fair to string them along. But I don’t know how to say to them that I’m so, so sorry, but I just don’t care enough about the company. They’re so afraid I’ll leave. But I’m just not into it and I think it’s dragging them down. Fuckwittage. Like Helen Fielding would say. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m fucking with them, that sensitive bunch. Nice, nice people though.

Ah, I’m going to try harder. Because I want to be fair to them.

Thought of the day:

It’s the people who possess the most fear who also possess the most sorcerous and instinctual ability to scare. For me, this was kind of a scary thought to mull over.

Speaking of Confessions…

So I was on www.grouphug.us looking at confessions and I found this one:

There’s these two guys in my office, both in wheel chairs. By accident I shouted “here comes the ‘other one’ “

…and I giggled myself silly because it’s totally something I would do. So I was telling Bohr about this one time, when we were filming Cojones, I needed a midget. So I approached this really short guy who I knew through the comedy troupe (and incidentally, who was dating a friend of mine), and I went to lengths to convince him to come play “the devil” for me. So we’re on set and he’s in a little red pajama one-piece jumpsuit with feet and he thinks he’s playing the devil. But I’m really focused at the task at hand and end up blurting out, “Okay, I need the midget.” And from the other side of the room, I hear, “Oh is THAT what I am?!?!?”

I felt TERRIBLE.

Okay, so I just talked to the car dealer and worked it all out. Apparently the $1,000 that was paypalled from my mom’s credit card was a deposit for a $40,000 car. Nice… Michael is lucky he’s autistic. Otherwise, he’d be getting a beating when my dad gets home. But I talked to the guy and he said he’d refund the deposit if I just left him some positive feedback, which I just did. While I was on my brother’s account, I noticed that he had bids out on 4 other cars. And a $9,000 CD changer.

Goodness.

These are the dangers of teaching kids about finances using monopoly money. They have no concept of the true value of money.

Brian is out of town tonight but no anonymous sex for me. I’m on hour 11am-12pm of 24 (Season 1). I’ve been watching those dvds for DAYS and I’m not even halfway through.

I’m reading Bridget Jones’s Diary. It’s really funny. I was actually reading it at Starbuck’s last night, but was so tired, I kept falling asleep. But then whenever a customer would laugh or say something loudly at the counter, I would suddenly looking up at them, really alertly and wide-eyed like I was intrigued by their conversation, trying to pretend I wasn’t asleep. The same way you do at school (or, um…work) when you’re trying to look up enough or shift around enough to look like you’re awake and reading so you don’t get into trouble. But every time I did that, I would remember that no one gives a fuck if I’m asleep because I’m not in school (or, um…work). But the funny thing was that the guy sitting next to me must have thought I was awake because every time I looked up, he would try to engage me in conversation. And I would just stare at him blankly because my brain was still asleep. This little program was just what my body has been trained to do, since I’m a pro at falling asleep in places without getting caught.

In other news, my brother has apparently bought a car on Ebay. My mom noticed a paypal charge of $1000 on her credit card last week and mentioned it to me when she picked me up from the airport. I told her that paypal is like a wire transfer and we figured out that it must have been Michael. We questioned him and he said he bought a Mercedes on Ebay. We were like, “A toy or a real car?” A real car, he says. Holy fuck.

I told my mom to prosecute my brother for fraud. Just to scare him. Because he’s got all of our credit card numbers memorized and he’s always using them to buy random things on the internet.

I’m so glad to be home. Not that I wasn’t glad to be with my family up north. But there’s something to be said about being back in your own place. Emphasis on the “own.”

I know it wasn’t as bad as I feel it was, but I feel really crappy for some of the things I was saying over the weekend. I guess I’ve been very frustrated with the way my body feels, and I’ve been saying things that make my family worry. Especially my mom, when she is already feeling very lonely these days. She said to me today, “You always say how scared you are of losing me someday, but don’t you ever think that I’m also scared of losing you?” And I know I worry my brother when I get really moody and dark. Pain makes you frustrated which makes you desperate which makes you unable to be present for the people who care about you most. And I think I’m frustrated because writing/creativity has always been my outlet but for some reason, that part of me is broken right now and it’s driving me crazy. So I don’t know what to do and I’m starting to feel desperate. Worried that things won’t get better. I’m just trying to relax and breathe and ride this out. But sometimes I wish I could be more emotionally available to the people who love me the most when I get like this. I get so distant. It makes me feel like a monster when I breakdown and can’t control myself. The way I disappear. The way my heart goes numb when my edges get sharp. Edward Scissorhands. You cut the very ones you want to love the most. Just by being you. So you make them stay away for their own good. But that hurts them anyway.

You just can’t win.

Right now is not a good time to get too close to me. Not until I figure all this out. There’s got to be a way out of this corner. Just give me some time and space…I’m trying to figure this out so we can all get out of this alive. But that’s the funny thing about life, isn’t it? No one gets out alive.

I picked up an album by Ambulance LTD. You guys should check them out. Kind of retro pop/rock. Very indie fun. Like something from a Wes Anderson film soundtrack. I love the 3rd song, Anecdote. Very, very cool. #7 (Sugar Pill) is how I feel.

I also finished Survivor, and it talks a lot about the things I’ve been thinking about lately. Synchronicity. I have a knack for picking up a book and it turns out to deal with exactly the themes I’m currently thinking about. I also read Naked Pictures of Famous People, which is a collection of essays by Jon Stewart. It was okay. I didn’t really think it was that funny.

Maybe all this is just projection. Maybe I’m really mad at myself right now. Maybe that’s why I’ve suddenly gone cold and am pushing people away. Punishing the people who try to get too close as a way of punishing myself? But why would I be so angry with myself right now?

Saturday Night Ramblings

An artist without inspiration, may as well be dead.

I’m so damn cranky tonight. My back flared up today and that can always trigger me to be extremely irritable because I’m scared the rest of my life will be like this, dealing with this pain (its this intense pain that shoots from my glute to my ankle and I can’t bend over without it being excruciating). You really don’t think about how physical discomfort can affect your general mood and happiness level, but I think it really does, especially if it becomes a life constant. A coworker made a comment earlier this week that really bugged me…he said that when he first met me last year, I was really focused on things. Life. Very driven. And now, it seems like I just don’t really care about anything anymore. I’ve checked out. And I just sighed, agreed and said, I’ve lost my will to live. I think I surprised both of us with that statement. I hadn’t realized it. But hearing myself say it, I realized it was true. Now before you guys start calling up hotlines to report me, I’ll say very honestly–I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. It’s just a feeling of not really looking forward to things anymore, because I know that tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and that pain will be there, as it was yesterday and the day before. There hasn’t been a single moment in over a year when I was painfree, and I realized last week, that I can’t even remember what it felt like to not be in some level of pain. And God, that’s really depressing. Sometimes I think about the limits of the human body, and I get angry. I think that’s why I fetishize robots. I wish there were robot parts that could replace my malfunctioning ones and fix me. Regardless of all the things I fear though, I still hold out hope that this will get better. I’m too young and strong to be stuck like this.

In other news, my senseless cousin is dating a complete loser. In his 20’s (she was 17 when they met). No job, doesn’t go to school, deals cards at his aunt’s illegal gambling house or something and posts crass comments about my cousin on his website. She sees it and somehow, thinks it’s cute. Yeah, she’ll grow out of it, the relationship will inevitably come to an end, but it still sucks. My cousin Bohr and I were waiting for her to show up to this dinner party thing tonight because we wanted to have a talk with her, but she didn’t show up. We’ve already had a “talk” with the boyfriend on the phone, inviting him out for “ice cream” so we could all get to know each other. Obviously, he was too chicken to come. Perhaps the jokes of breaking his legs didn’t help? (I’m just kidding. But seriously, if he messes with my cousin, we do have baseball bats). Bohr was saying that things like this make him hope he doesn’t have daughters. I’ve always secretly hoped that I never have daughters. So much to worry about.

(ps–my mom is now singing Cher on karaoke right now. “Do you believe in life after love?”)

On the way home from the dinner party tonight, I was thinking about how a friend used to tell me that if she could get God to send me a soulmate, she would do anything for him to send me a guy who would make me happy. I thought about how, every time she said that, I would appreciate the intentions but I would get really sad because it made me feel like she didn’t have any idea who I was. That having a lover, such a superficial thing, would fulfill me. Because I don’t search the world for a lover. I search the world for a mentor–someone who can help enlighten me and teach me, who can lead me. So that I can shake this feeling of always being lost.

Sometimes when people want you in their life, the love they give you is conditional. They want you there in a certain way, on certain terms, and sometimes, those are terms that you just aren’t capable of. And that’s the worst thing. When they don’t realize their feelings are conditional.

My brother has been tense all week because our dad is in China playing basketball, and Michael has been down about his being away and not calling. I think my dad needed a break from certain stressors in his life. But it sucks when my brother doesn’t understand that when my dad turns his back on him, it’s not because of him. Hell, I understand but it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of emotional sense to me either.

(My mom is now singing that Barbie song by Aqua, I think. “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.” Deep breath, Julia. It’s gonna be okay.)

So I’ve spent 3 days and 2 nights at home and things are still tolerable, despite the fact that my mom is currently yowling Bryan Adams on our karaoke machine. I, myself, have entertained her with a brooding version of Superstar by the Carpenters before escaping to where I’m most comfortable…in front of a computer.

I went to see The Grudge tonight with Julius, a brilliant illustrator trying to get into animation, and my brother. My brother really wanted to go with us even though he handles horror movies even more poorly than I do. The movie was terrible—it seemed like the director was more focused on what to do that would scare an audience held captive in a theater, rather than what would make sense of the plot. Lots of creepy things jumping out at you. Luckily, there were plenty of vocal African American women in the audience (you know the type) and so their quips gave us plenty to laugh at. In fact, the whole theater was Mystery Science Theatering the movie so it was fun.

When the end credits began rolling, I asked Michael if he was okay. He said yeah, but then bolted out of his seat and out of the theater, like someone about to puke. I think he was really freaked out. I felt bad. Michael wants to follow me everywhere, and sometimes he’ll end up going to places that he hates.

I’ve been going to the gym and playing basketball. Played a five-on-five game the day before Thanksgiving and it was hell because I’ve got this sprained ankle and the back issue and I haven’t run in over 6 months. But I tried and my moves were slow (my crossover was pathetic. and painful!). My line? 1-3, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 steal, 1 turnover. Pretty weak. But my guy went scoreless so that was good. I was always a great defensive player. Loved playing defense. No baskets ever scored on me by my defense assignments during the one season I was healthy enough to play in high school. But I also fouled a lot. And was regarded as a mean player and hated around the league. But I didn’t care. I did my job.

Which speaking of, I kind of understand where Ron Artest comes from (read this article). On the court, you’re intense when it’s all you’ve got. When this game is the only outlet you have for all your anger, all that is wrong in your life. And all you care about, is to feel like you’re good at something, for something. And here you are, the only place where you can dominate, when outside, the world makes you its bitch. So you make up in heart and desire on the court, what gets beaten out of you off of it. Yeah, a lot of coaches could tell I had a lot of anger. But I got things done. Gave 110% at all times and demanded that the people around me did as well. It was heart that won games, no matter the level of talent. And I scared the fuck out of the other teams because I was strong and aggressive and played every minute of every game like it was life or death.

Speaking of anger, Mike, the ugliest guy I’ve ever dated (both inside and out), said once that he was afraid to have kids…he was afraid he’d beat them. And I said something noncommittal like, “Oh…no…you…probably wouldn’t” when I was actually thinking, “Dude, I hope you never have kids.” He was a textbook abusive, borderline personality. A terrible human being, even though I was always encouraging him, telling him he was a good person in hopes that he would be able to see himself that way and work towards it. I was hoping he would break the cycle so he didn’t fuck up other people on his path towards self-destruction. It was worth a try, as fruitless and frustrating as it was. Are there are lot of abusive people out there in the world? Or do I just have a propensity for coming into contact with them? Just want to break that cycle…too many innocent kids are getting fucked up in this world.

Things have been heavy lately and I’m just trying to ride this period out. November is always the worst month of the year for me. It’s like being dunked underwater. Completely dark and suffocating. And you just have to hold your breath long enough until it’s okay to resurface.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And yeah, it’s such a cliché, but clichés exist because they’re true. Sometimes it’s about risk management. If you can see clearly enough, you look ahead and predict different outcomes of situations, and then you work towards the one that is better, with less consequences and more benefits. Sometimes there are no benefits and you have to go towards the one with the mildest consequences. Whitney is always saying that happiness is the most amount of pleasure with the least amount of pain. And if you think about it, if something gives you a great amount of pleasure along with a great amount of pain, by the Whitney Meter, it comes out to zero. Whereas, if something gives you a moderate amount of pleasure, with a smidgeon of pain, then it’s like a +1.8* (measurement is an approximation. ;). And by quantifying it, you can see that it is actually better for you. Anyway, math aside, I just want my life to be clean right now. Quiet.

Being home, in our haunted house. It’s funny, neither my brother nor I will sleep in the guest room. I told you guys before, there’s something wrong with the energy of that room. I’ll either sleep with my mom in her bed, or in my brother’s bed and he’ll sleep on the floor, but no matter what, no one is willing to rotate over to the guest room. It’s always noticeably colder and draftier in that room, even though there’s no logical reason for it. I used to lock myself in that closet in the dark to punish myself when I was a kid. Trying to toughen myself up by putting myself in the scariest place/situation imaginable. Whenever I thought I was weak, because I hated myself when I was weak. Made myself learn to detach from fear. Now in hindsight, I don’t know if that was a fucked up, sadomasochistic thing to do, or something that ended up making me stronger in the long run. I really do think that no one can be crueler to you than you can be to yourself. And no one can mistreat you unless you give them permission. Unfortunately, we so often give people permission to mistreat us, without realizing it. Ah…we must all be careful of our own unconscious agendas.

Okay, it’s now 2:51 am. Time for bed.

Happy luring-the-red-man-into-a-false-sense-of-security-before-we-poison-them-with-moonshine-infect-them-with-smallpox-and-rip-off-their-land-for-beads Day!

I’ve got the turkey in the oven, the praline yams are a’bubblin’. Today’s menu features:

I’m watching the Warriors game, and it’s a tense 4th quarter in which they’re completely blowing the game after building up a nice lead. So the situation is serious, the game is almost over and it looks like the Hornets are about to tie or win the game. The players set up, Warriors possession, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. goes to inbound the ball. The station cutting together shots of players, looking intense, from different angles, building the drama. And then the announcer says, kind of amazed, “Thunder just knocked over Dunleavy. The MASCOT just knocked over Dunleavy.”

And they quickly cut to a wide angle of the players, and you see Thunder strutting away, playing to the crowd, and Mike wobbling a little bit and looking around like, “What the fuck? Did that really just happen?”

I wish the camera had been on that scene when it happened, rather than just catching the tail end of it. I thought that really exemplified the conflicts of nature within professional sports. On one hand, the athletes take it so incredibly seriously. There’s a lot of ego involved. These tense moments on the court that mean the difference between winning and losing may as well mean the difference beween life and death. They’re here to do a job; a delicate job–squeaking out a win–that requires almost godly focus and discipline.

And then there are the fans who came not so much to watch exceptionally skilled athletes as to have the all-inclusive wild night out, who merge into a rowdy crowd and demand to be entertained, who dance like morons to be on the Jumbotron, whose life missions at that very moment is to catch a rolled up t-shirts shot from a cannon…as watch the Mascot run around being goofy like a hyperactive village idiot. No offense to village idiots everywhere.

How can the players work under this condition?

Yeah, they get paid millions to do it. Deal with this circus around what they have dedicated their lives to. But it really takes away from the gravity of their abilities, doesn’t it? Like, I think thundersticks should be banned at basketball games. I know the teams will hand them out for free to people sitting behind the visitor’s basket. It was some marketing genius’ idea of making the fans feel more involved in the outcome of the games. If they make enough noise, they affect the other teams ability to score and thus, contributing to a win or loss. And yes, one could argue that a good player should be so focused, that even the distraction and noise of thundersticks won’t distract him. But honestly, I’m not a purest, but if I were a basketball player and had to deal with that noise and distraction every time I was trying to gather myself into a tiny pinpoint of focus, repetitively every few days for months on end, my nerves would be shot. I would have a very short fuse. It’d be really easy for me to snap, in just a heated enough moment.

I mean, you remember Ace Ventura, right? “Laces out” ? Dude, I’m telling you. This is a very, very serious matter.

NBA not banning thundersticks during games= Athletes snapping = Sean Young strapping her penis between her legs.

Check my math. I think you’ll find that I’m not wrong.

So I can’t keep straight anymore which people know I can read tarot cards and which don’t. This is a facet of the mystical side of me that I am very, very private about and very protective of, for fear of persecution and ridicule as much as to keep this ability private because I don’t want people who don’t really need it demanding my help (if I want to read for people or feel like I have something to tell them, I’ll offer. Because when I read for people, it’s not akin to a magic trick for purposes of entertainment. It’s a draining process of digging deep inside someone’s psyche/soul and bringing out hidden pain as part of a healing process). But I’ve always loved the artwork of the cards and wanted to share it, though I let very few people close to my deck. So considering I’ve been working at a scanner company for over a year now, I just figured out that I can scan them and post them so you can see some of my favorite cards. These cards are some of my most personal and private belongings, so be nice, okay?

This card represents me…Air behaving as Fire. Courageous, impulsive, stormy–the slayer of darkness and invisible demons. I absolutely *love* this card.

This is, artistically, my favorite card in the deck. I’ve stared at it for hours before, absorbing its details, the concept of unity despite polarity. Disparity creating unity. Tension creating balance.The blind cupid, the omnipotent, faceless father. ..this card never ceases to intrigue me. It’s also the Gemini card.

The Tower. This card shows a building crumbling and on fire as people fall out of it. A little story about this card…in August 2001, I was in the bay area visiting my family and we had a small get together with my extended family. At the party, my mom convinced me to read for people. I am most comfortable with reading 2-3 weeks ahead because free will often changes outcomes, so the further away a time frame is, statistically, the less possible it is to be accurate because of the amount of free will that can modify a person’s course during every second. So I read for a bunch of people, and this card came up in everyone’s readings. In hindsight of 9/11, that was freaky. But that’s exactly the kind of thing this card represents. This card comes up when someone has tried to build a house on a bad foundation. They’ve repressed problems, ignored them, yet they go on with their lives like nothing’s wrong (like all the tension that had been covered up by our government’s foreign policies. And then the Tower makes the situation blow wide open, forcing things to be dealt with). But those buried issues rot away at the foundation until a huge, terrible event happens that crumbles everything that person had been trying to build. You never want this card to show up. It means you’re going to have a devastating experience that will completely shake up your world, forcing you to deal with the things you’re trying to run away from. You will be so much better off in the long run, but in general, you should be taking care of things in all hopes to avoid the types of events represented by this card. It’ll be things like, a person running away from emotional issues and burying themselves in their work. The tower comes along and blows things wide open…a relative dies, a relationship ends painfully, the person is laid off, so that they can no longer hide their head in a hole and are forced to deal with something. In the end, the Tower is a good thing. But it’s the disciplinarian. You usually want to be conscious of your issues and deal with them as much as possible to avoid this type of event. This is the explosion. It’s like when the doctor has to break your legs again, so that they can set correctly and you can grow. But it is always, always very difficult. I always get very worried when I see this card and emphatic with the person that they have to deal with something. Unfortunately, usually, when people have been avoiding issues and hiding them for so long, they’re set in their minds not to deal with those things. Until something forces them to.