Echo

The people who interest me most tend to notice me when I notice them. Sometimes I wish I could have more time to watch them in their own element.
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These leaves were on the sidewalk. What are they??? I wouldn’t know.

I think if people could see me play basketball on a team, they would see me in my most unadulterated form. It’s not so much evident in what I, myself, can do. It’s about my effect on those around me. Can you will a group to victory? If they believe in you and you believe in them, yes. And that’s usually my function. I’m never the star, but the force. My abilities do not work for myself or in a vacuum. I need other people. It was like demetri martin’s Duper Man. Give me your energy your faith, your belief. And I’ll create something so much bigger with it than you or I could have done alone.
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“Suck it up. That’s what being a man is.”

-Coach Taylor

haha, that’s so Texas. I love Friday Night Lights.

Appreciation

I talked to Curtis last night and he mentioned that when he was in school, his parents never came out for his basketball games or when he ran cross country. It made me sad, because I know what it’s like to be able to look in the stands and see your parents there, knowing that there’s at least one or two people who are absolutely rooting for you to succeed. It’s a feeling of protection, pride. It gives you strength.

It made me think about how as moody and terrifying as my dad could be growing up, with as much pressure as he had between his company and my brother and his marriage, he went to every single one of my softball games.  No matter where the games were, home or however far away, he would take off work, show up in his suit and sunglasses like a Chinese hit man, and sit in the stands supporting me. Even when that thing went down with the team ganging up on me, it was my dad who came as soon as I called him sobbing, went straight to the coach and found out the coach wouldn’t let me play because “she doesn’t get along with the other girls.” I remember his face when he came back to the car and told me that I just had to be tough about it, that sometimes ignorant people make life unfair, but you still have to fight through. You never let anyone nail you down. I think I told him something along the lines of I want to kill myself, and he said not to be stupid about it. You don’t take life’s unfairness out on yourself, to hurt yourself. You stand up and because of it, you show you’re stronger. I was still so upset so I said, “Can I throw a rock at his car?” I was surprised by his answer. He thought about it for a second, then said, “Yes, but just a little one.” So I got out of the car, picked up a rock about the size of a jelly bean, and with my shortstop cannon of an arm, threw it at the coach’s truck. Dink! It didn’t really make me feel better. But it gave me the first step towards letting go.

I wrote an email to my dad just now to say how much it meant to me that he went to all my games and supported me even though he had so many things going on. I know over the years, he’s had a lot of guilt over who he was as a father, the things he regrets. But I always tell him that we wouldn’t be the people we are today if we didn’t go through the things we did, and what matters is that we appreciate each other today and every day. Our family has gotten so much closer, so much lighter. The biggest difference is how we’ve each been able to forgive ourselves for the past, and move forward appreciating what we have.

The health scares this year have worried me. I can’t lie…I think about it every day. I know it’s brought my parents closer to each other, and it’s allowed them to take things easier and appreciate life more, but it’s true when they say that at the end of life, you don’t look at the little things. You look at the regrets, the time you didn’t spend, the things you didn’t say. Sometimes I think about how when the people you love are gone, you’ll never get to find out more about them. Little things, like…did they like peaches? What was their favorite Christmas present as a kid? What things scared them that they never told anyone? Did they like to sing in the shower?

There’s never as much time as you think. There’s never as much time as you want. You try to make the most of life, open the lines of love and communication with people, but at the end of the day, the deal was always that everything in life comes on loan. And when it’s time, you have to let go.

small towns have small town drama and small town problems.

My other friend Ryan posted this picture and I had to pass it on.

Peeps–the Delightfully Naughty Easter Candy

Terri sent me a thank you card with a haiku:

Julia is neat
A Badass in Seattle
I’m glad I know you.

Cute!

Maybe this synchronicity thing has been my complex but innovative resolution to address my loneliness issue. Everyone, including myself, often wonders who I’m writing to. It’s kind of like when I was a kid and I would talk to the night sky. I’m just sending these messages off into space. But then sometime in the future, I get redirected back to old posts through these synchronicities, or things that happen in the future are more interesting because I’d already written about them presciently. And it gets me all excited thinking, there’s something else in the world, there’s something out there, but it’s really just the echoes of me having a time-bending conversation with myself to keep myself from feeling alone. Well, they always say humans are great at finding ways to cope.

Why I like big cities and to travel, arriving as a stranger? Because it hides the fact I don’t really fit in anywhere. You live in a big city, or if you’re just traveling through, people assume that even if you don’t exactly fit in here, there’s an understandable reason. You’re not from here. That explains why you seem different. But if you’re living some place, and people see you day to day and start to realize, hey, she’s different…it’s a lot harder to hide.

My own family thinks I’m an alien. Maybe that’s a strong word, but they always say, “Where did you come from?” Which says a lot when I have Michael next to me, easily taking so much of the attention off me.

When I was young, I had a power. Over boys. They did what I told them. I seemed to always get what I want. It made my parents uncomfortable, and made the mothers of the boys extremely uncomfortable. But the thing was, those boys never did anything they didn’t want to do.

First you have to understand. My dad is a lone alpha and my mother’s an alpha. What else could I have been but an alpha? I was born into my type. Put me in any group of boys my age or younger, and I would emerge with the reins. They looked at me as a leader. And because I was also born with a sunny, magnanimous personality,  I wasn’t abusive with it.  It was persuasion, like hypnosis. You can’t make anyone do anything they’re morally or instinctively opposed to, and I never asked that of them. The worst of it was, if they got a new toy, I said, let me see it, and it was in my hands stat. The best of it was one hell of a fucking adventure (my mom said that every party used to end up with all the boys running around the house screaming like a pack of rabid wolves with me at the front, and it didn’t stop until someone had an asthma attack or someone got so overworked their nose bled. This really embarrassed my parents, how feral I could be).  I was driven by an insatiable curiosity, and they either believed in that cause or believed/trusted that following me would be to their best interest. And even if the result was we all got in trouble, they sometimes pointed a finger at me, but they never blamed me, at least not enough to not follow me again.

Well, as they say, there’s no such thing as an endless party. And that kind of power in a 5 year-old girl is probably scary, so my parents had Michael, who doesn’t do what ANYONE says. And they said, here you go, good luck.

Well, that’s not exactly how it happened but on some levels, it did. Whereas I never conceived of a force I couldn’t handle or tame, life suddenly tamed me, from every direction. And I lost my powers for a long time. I didn’t believe in myself anymore.

I’ve had some major unhappiness in my life, a lot of things that have made me look back at my childhood as being under an overcast sky. But I think about all the things that happened, and I realize that I wouldn’t be who I am today if those things hadn’t shaped me. Sometimes it’s our worst, most painful experiences that teach us the most, build the most out of us. I often think that these things do happen for a reason…maybe if my power had gone unchecked, by 3rd grade I would have been a queen bee BITCH. When you have power but lack maturity, it’s so easy to misuse power. But I didn’t have the opportunity. I learned the value of kindness, that it is the most precious thing on earth.  I learned the value of compassion for the same reason. I learned about fairness, acceptance, and standing up when you get knocked down because there’s no other option. I learned sometimes it’s about giving second chances as much as it’s about getting.

3 years ago, the power started coming back. I started believing in myself again. I think it’s different now. Whereas, when I was younger, there was nothing to restrain me, the world taught me values and responsibility first, what it’s like to have no power, and be bullied for it. I was angry for a long time, I was filled with hate and vengeance, but when I understood that these things weren’t real, the past didn’t change me, didn’t brand me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, I let all those things go. It’s more important for me to feel positive, to be light. And through that transformation, I started to be able to see my potential. 3 years ago, I started to get my power back.

I would like for this not to be a trick.  I’ve risen up before, only to be knocked down by people smaller than me who feared me. If the world will let me unleash, I am willing to show that I will use my power responsibly and reasonably humbly, that what I dedicate myself to is transformation in the name of healing. That has always been my chosen path. To comfort and heal. I promise I will not start a religion, though I may pass on “teachings,” but I will do my best to leave a positive and progressive legacy.

29 because I think that’s how old he’ll be.

what it’s like to experience words spatially.

it’s like the word literal. i know what the word literal means.

but within a word are so many abstract dimensions and meanings that are just as true as their surface ones, sometimes abstract can be literal, too. then if that’s the case, then what does the word “literal” really mean?

it’s like standing in a spot and drawing a circle with chalk. and all of a sudden, whoosh! that circle you drew is not just a circle on the ground anymore, but a circle on the ground AND a multi-dimensional sphere around you.

what’s black is black but also white as well, when it’s not black or when it’s black as well. <–if you can picture that statement, see that it’s not redundant, contradictory without being contradictory and actually defines a multi-dimensional “it,” spherical, magnetically polarized by forces of opposition and entirely cohesive, then you can see how words are perceived by me. Words look this way, but string them together into sentences and it looks like a dimensional triangle of spherical entities. They echo, all around their two dimensional form. That’s why I prefer white words and a dark background. It’s easier to actually see the echo, than the other way around, which flattens the words.

my friend ryan whose birthday it is today, was the one who thought i had synesthesia, but i think it’s something else. it’s not just perceiving the world through multiple simultaneous senses. it’s like an entire, collective perception of a deeper dimension all around than is perceived by the normal human senses, and i’m using one heightened sense to perceive that level.

where words are windows and people are doors, in theory, i should never be lonely because everywhere i am, i have a place to go.

except i am, when i have no one i can talk to.

i’m good at connecting things. ideas, memories, people, words. that’s often how i’m able to feel out lies. sometimes things don’t connect. sometimes they connect in places that aren’t the person’s intent. then you’re very aware, hey, there’s a discrepancy.

This song has been with me many a 3am.

Life’s a gun that’s always pointing…
Life’s a gun that’s pointing in my face…

someone’s found a way…to break into my mind…

I must have pheromones going today. I just left the coffeehouse and there was a pair of pink panties on the sidewalk.

I thought that was funny so I took a picture of it, but was embarrassed when a guy walking by caught me. Someone lost their underwear, he said and I laughed. I was walking in his direction and we crossed the street when he suddenly turned around and said, hi. I said hi. He asked where in this area would be a good place for a single guy to grab a drink. I don’t know this area well so I said I didn’t know. Just then a girl walking by bailed me out by asking if he needed directions. He asked her where a single guy with NO ATTACHMENTS could go to get a drink and as she pointed out a place, I took the opportunity to say have fun and slip away.
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Tomorrow never comes until it’s gone.
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He was wearing a Boise State jacket. I was staring trying to remember some game of theirs I’d watched years ago. He saw and said wow, which made me smile. Came over, said he had to come over because of my smile and asked if I was single. I said kind of because yes always gets me in trouble. He asked for my phone number. I gave some convoluted story about being out here to isolate myself for writing and one of the stipulations was I don’t give out my number, realizing how douchey it all sounds. He asked if I’ve read the Sacred Writer and I wrote it down then he left without saying goodbye. The end.
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Heads up everyone, particularly Gemini and Virgo. Mercury retrograde coming up so careful from April 5th until May 15th. Back up your computer, don’t sign contracts, don’t make any major decisions, be careful of miscommunications. Watch the past rise up into the present. Good luck.
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Sometimes personality is a force, like a massive bunch of balloons filled with helium on a stormy day, that’s just too much for one person to hold on to.
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he asks me to write him a poem and then he falls asleep!