Echo

Now Playing: U.N.K.L.E. – War Stories

It hailed on me today. I was trying to ride a bike and it was like having these searing heat-seeking missiles pop in your eye. I trooped through it until I couldn’t see and it started feeling like a personal attack. Took cover and had myself some coffee.

This city is crazy. Very complex. I’m still wary of talking to people here. It’s kind of like I can’t understand where they’re coming from yet so I don’t trust them.

I finally hung out at one of the coffeeshops. Having a professionally rolled joint is like a fine cigar. It was a pleasant, tasty smoke and then the music seemed to be increasing in decibels. I looked up at the lightbulb and I could see halos around it and a sudden sense of euphoria. Then the room began to darken, and I saw the people walking by as these metallic silhouettes. I started to get really hot so I took off my hat, which made me feel exposed to the room. Now I had to smile at people who walked by and looked at me. The waitress took a good 20 minutes to make a coffee with cream, but my God, it was delicious. I stared out the window for a while, writing down words and phrases that popped into my head. An American asked if he could share my table. He sat down and pulled out a journal. Hmmm. We were both scribbling away and I took a peek at his. His handwriting is a scrawl, secretive like mine, a code read only by the writer.

I caught him looking up at me a few times but I would look away. His friend showed up and they switched to another table. He glanced over from time to time and I’m sure there was at least a cursory discussion here. But I ignored it. I got up and left without making eye contact.

See, when I start storing up energy the way I have the last few months, it means a connection is coming in. A big soulmate connection and an important lesson/test to be co-created. This person and I have a life-changing experience to share, and much work to do. Since you don’t know who it is until you know, it’s kind of like picking up a foreign exchange student you’ve never met at the train station. When you find the person, you’ll just know, but until then, you question every person. These connections can be good or bad. They’re intended for you to grow, but sometimes it takes a difficult experience for you to grow.

final exam: an open-ended forum to show the universe what I’ve learned so far at this point in my life. If I can stay strong and positive and pay attention, it will determine the types of challenges I’ll be presented with in the next stage of my life. My goal is to show that I am projecting the type of energy that tells the universe that I don’t have to repeat lessons and I’m ready to move on.

Right now, I’m thinking about everything and trying to come up with a focused statement of, what have I learned so far, and where would I like to go from here. And once I’ve visualized it, I have to project it into the universe for approval.

In the spirit of Amsterdam and my hotel room offering free hardcore porn, I decided to explore…

Things I Think Are Hot:

–Button-Down Shirts with Ties – call it a dad fetish or whatever. But when I see a guy with nice shoulders in a shirt & tie, all I can think about is taking it off. Doesn’t work with old fat, married fucks, but any clean-cut guy in a shirt & tie makes me imagine taking his clothes off.

– Left-Handers – the minute I see someone is left handed, I automatically assume they’re creative and hold some kind of right-brained secret knowledge that us right-handers don’t possess. And I want it. I crumble at the hands of left-handers with dark, expressive eyes, and whenever a left hander is writing, I’m always staring at his hand like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen.

-Pisces – they are my poison. I feel like I was born part Pisces and whenever I want to express to them that I think we’re alike, they crash me into the rocks like a ship caught in a storm. I can’t help that I was born in the wrong place. I just want to join your camp for a little while so you can give me some pointers.

-Twins – I was in love with a twin for a long time. I would have had no problem if that relationship needed to involve both of them. They say that Geminis need two of everything. That’s definitely true in my life. I even have two toothbrushes (both green). In terms of relationships, I can only handle one commitment. But as long as I haven’t made a commitment, all’s fair in love and war, and I think two is better than one.

-Candlelit Showers – alone or with someone else, these could take hours…

-Falling Asleep to the Sound of Someone’s Heartbeat -this is one of the most comforting things in the world.

-Men Who Have the Ability to Get Up Early – because they can get up before me and make me breakfast.

-Thunderstorms – the best is to wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a thunderstorm outside, and know you have nothing to do today but to stay under the covers.

-Hands – a guy once told me that he’s never noticed a girl’s hands before, but that I had beautiful hands. After that, I started noticing people’s hands. There’s something really sexy about a guy with strong hands and nimble fingers.

-Eyes – when I look into a man’s eyes and it’s like tumbling into a deep cave. You can glimpse an entire universe, moving through him like a powerful river. It’s unbelievably hot when a man opens up so you can see this universe through his eyes.

-Lavender – brings out my soft, feminine side.

-Strangers – entire universes to explore with no obligations. Anything goes…

-Sports – adrenaline + sweat + physical contact + endorphins. You may as well have sex as the perfect afternoon cap.

-Wits – if your mind can hang with mine and you can keep up, then you’ve already mastered the foreplay.

-Kissing – I am totally orally fixated.

I was having disruptive dreams last night. It seemed like no matter where I went in the dreamworld, I would keep running into faces from the past. These were people I’d known and had both good and bad connections with, and even if I woke up and switched to another dream, there would be someone there waiting for me, ready to turn whatever corner I decided to walk up to find us face to face. I saw Reggie with his hair cut short again. I saw Andrew and his brother, two halves of a whole. I saw old coworkers and family members. At the Desperate Housewives’ supermarket. In houses in distant lands I was touring in hopes of buying. Every dream I kept running into someone. I woke up. Pondered how it is that there are people in my life that I may never see again, yet somehow, in the deep recesses of my mind, they go on living as these perfectly captured moments that I almost believe are real. No wonder I still like mankind.

I just decided to kill sleep all together and wake up. Saw that here, it’s 2:55am. Almost 3am. Why not.

Starting thinking.

Now playing: Plaid – Spokes

Yesterday was cool, but creepy. I went to this little town along the Rhine suggested by this guidebook. It said it’s a tourist-oriented town, but when I got there, there wasn’t even a platform to get off on. It was a stretch of grass. I had no idea which way to go to find my hotel, so I just followed the main drag. Every store was closed, including a theater that displayed some kind of comical puppet diorama with an old lady talking to a guy in a military suit and it looked suspiciously mocking of WWII. I finally saw two elderly tourists up ahead so I was relieved that there were people in this town. It was starting to feel like the town had battened down the hatches and was awaiting the annual horde of vamperewolves to descend upon the town for their feeding. I started channeling I Am Legend.

Found the place I would be staying. turned out to be a b&b, across from the oldest building in the city, a crooked Smurf-like affair. I had to ring six times to get someone to answer. This tall man in his 40’s looked mildly irritated and utterly befuddled that I was there. I showed him my reservation and he asked me if I wanted a single or double. I didn’t want to answer so I showed him the reservation which just said 1 room (later, I think I didn’t want him to know I was alone). So he led me up these stairs onto the top floor, into this corner room that was a double but told me, there’s only one key. Even if he didn’t believe there was another person, I just felt it was better than admitting I was alone. He disappeared down the hall. The room was cozy with a tiny bathroom a dominating yellow motif. The wallpaper, the pillow, the bedspread…all yellow. Yup…everything yellow. And the memory of Tina in the back of my head whispering, “Yellow is a hostile color….” Had to repeat to myself, this is not Psycho. this is not Psycho followed by This is not The Shining, this is not The Shining.

I put down my stuff quickly and left to explore the town. Opened my room door to a hall that was completely dark. The place echoed with stillness. It felt like sneaking out of someone’s attic.

I walked around the city trying to follow the guidebook’s self-guided tour suggestion, but it was boring. So I just walked around, up and down stairs, paths and back alleys, exploring. I found this steep trail that led towards a couple of landmarks and a view overlooking the city & the Rhine. I encountered maybe 12 people the whole afternoon. I grabbed a donar sandwich at the only place in town that was open, along with a beer/cola mix that I got just to try. It just tasted like soda with a bitter edge. Headed back to my room and was asleep before sundown, preparing to defend my room and wait out the night. The first sounds that woke me were construction sounds. People sawing and hauling heavy tools. I checked the clock. It was 11pm. At around midnight, the whistle announcing a crossing train blew, but as the train rumbled by, there was a shriek of tires and a large crash and the sounds of shattering glass. I got up and looked out my window, but the way the room is set up, there’s a fake balcony with two chairs and a planter outside that you couldn’t get to. They’d sealed the doorway with a vertically-tilting window. I heard voices arguing so I figured it was a minor car crash, not a train having struck something.

But a part of me was creeped out by the fact I couldn’t see anyone, but could hear echoes of people milling about down below. What if this were a ghost story, and all those voices are ghosts who go about their daily lives at night.

I decided just to stay up for the night, reading and watching DVDs. As I prepared for a shower, I noticed there was a dead spider on one of the towels. Luckily, it wasn’t touching the one on the top so I just took that one and put the others in the corner. I was stoic. I have no emotional room to deal with my arachnaphobia right now.

I’d looked up the train schedule so I wanted to take the first train back to Frankfurt instead of the one I had for the afternoon. May as well get to Amsterdam sooner. I had packed up by 6am for the 7:30 train, then sat watching a DVD with my shoes on until it was time to go. I knocked on the office door but no one answered. I tried knocking again, then a third time. I ended up just leaving the key in the mailbox.

There were a few other people at the station, looking to be on their way to work or school. I was relieved to be leaving. This town had a really creepy energy. I didn’t relax until I was on the train and we were moving, and not completely until I was firmly standing in the Frankfurt station.

Changed my ticket and got on my train to Amsterdam with no problems.

I finished The Memory Keeper’s Daughter during the long stretches when the landscape was obscured by graffiti’d walls. I was drawn into the parts of the book that dealt with how secrets grow trees of loneliness within people. She was richly melodic with her words at times.

Could feel the city before I saw it, tension–a beautiful city with a dark undercurrent. I was amazed at the architecture. I realized I knew nothing of what Amsterdam would look like. As usual, I didn’t want to ask for directions and just wandered until I found my hotel. These streets are insane. I probably went up and down the same street 4 times, but I did find it.

My room is a porn palace. There is the most beautiful piece of phtography that serves as my headboard, and I can change the lighting behind it into about 9 different shades. I could live in this room. I mean, I honestly want to make it my second home. My dragon could live here.

I walked around for a bit and accidentally walked into the same shop twice. The guy working there was cute and we’d smiled at each other the first time I walked out and the second time, he walked around with me, chatting. Very nice guy, we talked about the weather and some politics. I told him I wanted him to know we were embarrassed of our government right now but we’re trying to make things right. He asked me if I thought the democrats could pull it out.
We’re trying, i said. we have to stop fighting each other, but we’re trying.

He looked like he wanted to say something else, like it felt like there was more to say. but i didn’t chance the moment so i said bye, smiled and walked out. i heard him yell out the door, “Bye! It was nice meeting you!” And I almost turned around, but the point of the story is, I didn’t.

Talked with a guy with piercing eyes who told me, creativity comes from inside you. You can access it any time you want. I started laughing. You’re a wise man, I said.

It started pouring. I don’t mind walking around in the cold rain without an umbrella. I actually really like it. But I’ve got a long trip ahead of me and need me on point so I went back to the hotel.

Had a litt
le photoshoot with my headboard. Got to thinking, got to writing, then fell asleep. And that’s when those dreams happened.

Which brings me to today. My today is your tomorrow.

when i go home i want to make this t-shirt.

amsterdam…
whoever designed these streets was fucking high.

I get it.

The universe brought me here because I’m taking a final exam right now.

Holy shit.

I ended up going out last night. Went to some bar next to the hotel and sat in the corner and people watched. It looks like pegged jeans is in in Germany. One of my ex-coworkers who has family in Germany told me they were about 10 years behind in fashion. So they’re in the 90’s, I’d asked. Better than the 80’s, I guess. The 80’s were tragic. But I don’t know how I feel about the pegged jeans look.

It was boring so I went to the other side of my hotel where there was live music. I had to pay a cover of 12 Euros but was told it was good for 15 clubs, and there was a shuttle running between the clubs. I thought, this could be bad. This could be very bad. The club featured a spunky 3-man band playing covers. The only ones I recognized were “Losing My Religion” by REM and “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure. Met a nice guy named Alex who didn’t know a lot of English so he mostly just stared at me and smiled. I took off after about 6 songs and headed to a dance club called Walden. Unless it means something in German, Walden makes me think of solitude, contemplation and Thoreau. This club had a great DJ. Right away he had a house mix going with Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall. I had a Hefeweizen that tasted like sushi, but it got me really, really drunk, especially since I’d eaten so much midday that I’d skipped dinner. As everything blurred, the only thing that kept me steady was the beat.

I was dancing and then at some point, staring at this guy’s ass while his oblivious girlfriend texted away on her cellphone. Wondered what the Germans think about casual sex. I was enjoying dancing by myself but then this one Asian girl kept staring at me and dancing closer and closer to me. She said something to this tall, goofy white guy she was with and he turned and looked at me, then said something to her. She promptly got RIGHT UP in front of me and started showing off with these crazy hair tossing moves, followed by looking back at me intensely. As with these types of situations, I wasn’t sure if she wanted to fight me or fuck me, though I heavily suspected the latter, so I left the dance floor and hung out at the bar with a Beck’s Green Lemon beer which kind of tasted like weed. Maybe jetlag’s got my taste buds all messed up. But I do swear many people in that place did smell like weed.

There was a kid who looked like the flying kid on Heroes. He looked about 18 and he kept doing status checks on me (this is when a guy doesn’t have the guts to talk to you, so while he’s working up the guts, he’ll keep looking over to make sure he knows where you are). I thought about how I blew the whole “sex with an 18 year old” thing in Hawaii last year and thought, this kid’s even more tender than that one (that one I thought was a 25 year old sports model). I would totally corrupt him. But then this obnoxious nerdy guy who was sitting next to me kept getting more and more aggressive (he resorted to staring and bumping me), and it was becoming harder to avoid eye contact and act like I didn’t notice he was repeatedly sticking his elbow into my side, so I figured I’d call it a night before I did anything I regretted. The kid’s friend saw me putting on my coat and got his attention. He looked at me kind of panicked, but I winked and waved, then made my way out the door.

Kept waking up in the middle of the night with the room spinning.

Got up in time for the complimentary breakfast. There was only one other person there, this middle-aged Filipino looking guy who had said hi to me in the lobby the other day and seemed too attentive. He was really excited to see me and asked me if he had seen me at the bar the other night. I said, I don’t know, and then sat at another table and pulled out a book because I didn’t want him to invite me to sit with him. He was clearly done with his breakfast, but he lingered, and lingered. When I went to get up for water, he asked me what room number I was in. I was surprised and couldn’t recover to lie, so I told him. I figured I was checking out within the hour anyway, so it wouldn’t matter. I waited until he got up for more coffee, then I slipped out. It looked like he was waiting for me and I didn’t want to ride the elevator with him. I was in my room for 5 minutes packing when the phone rang. I thought it was my wake up call but it was him. “It’s your friend from downstairs,” he opened.

Oh Christ, I thought.

“How long are you staying here?” he asked.

“I’m leaving today,” I said.

“Where are you going?” I truly worried he was the type who would follow me across this country.

“Home to the US,” I said.

“Really? That short? I thought you said you just got to Frankfurt yesterday,” he said.

Jesus. “I was in Berlin the last few days for business,” I said, remembering that Frankfurt is a hub and many people still have to fly out of this city.

“Oh, okay. Well, bye.” he said.

I hung up without saying bye, and got out of the hotel quickly.

I made it to the train station an hour before my departure to Bacharach but was really confused about where I was supposed to be. With 10 minutes to spare, I realized I was actually supposed to be on another level. Again, a woman was nice enough to help me. People here are really great.

Arrived at Bacharach, reminded me of the movie Hostel. Tiny town with a castle turned hostel at the top of the hill. Unfortunately, it was raining so my plans to bike along the Rhine were foiled. I still hiked up the hill to the castle which was a challenging climb, but offered a beautiful view of the river and the city. There was this empty shell of a chapel, Werner Kapelle, which was this circular structure with no windows except this single panel of red stained glass. The information plaque said there was a rumor that this was a location of ritualistic killings of Jews here which are false, but the structure remains as a reminder that religions can co-exist (I’m paraphrasing but that’s about the gist of it). Looking up at this structure, you could feel the gravity of guilt here–whatever actually happened at this remote location, it serves as a reminder for the Germans of dark period of their history.

Nothing was open so I just wandered around and then headed back to my hotel. I’m going to leave earlier than I’d originally planned for Amsterdam tomorrow since there I’ve explored most of this town already.

Amsterdam will hopefully be interesting.

And so begins…

Remember what I said about packing well?

I take that back.

I left:

-Sunglasses
-Sunblock
-hairbrush
-watch
-my entire toiletry bag.

I realized all of these things collectively as I was about to go through the security check at LAX. Felt so much like an idiot, I froze, so the woman behind me went ahead of me. I was at the airport 2 hours before my flight so I probably could have ran home and gotten everything, but I didn’t want to chance compounding one mistake with a bigger one (missing my flight). Rie happened to call so I told her. I was feeling pretty miserable, but then I realized that if I dwell on it, I’ll create other mistakes so I took some time to meditate on it about how it’s okay, I can buy everything at Duty Free or when I get to Germany and imagined the rest of my trip going without a hitch. Rie had a good point though. This isn’t the first time I’ve forgotten specifically these items and I have multiples of everything at home. I should create a separate kit for travel so I can just pack everything the night before. The reason I forget some of these things is because they’re the last items I put into my suitcase.

Flew into SF and then on to Frankfurt. Watched Juno and most of Martian Child on the plane. Liked both movies a lot since they dealt with some themes that I’m thinking about right now–are there really connections that can last a lifetime (Juno), and sometimes I feel like I’m from another planet (MC). Slept for most of the flight and read a little from The Memory Keeper’s Daughter.

Arrived at Frankfurt. There was an extra bounce in my step. Cruised every cute guy walking by. The boys are cute here! Got through customs without a hitch and then I was free. Had to catch a train to the Frankfurt Main station and with the help of a very friendly stewardess, made it there without incident. Frankfurt Main is insane. It’s the train hub for Germany, but the craziest thing to me was this group of about 100 teenage boys, all wearing black, on the way to some sort of outing. They were clustered around these stores that sold beer, and were all holding 40-sized beers while carrying beer in plastic bags with cases at their feet. Keep in mind, it was 10:30 in the morning, but they were well on their way towards inebriation. I’ve never seen so much beer at 10:30 in the morning. I wish I had taken a picture.

I walked the 2 km to my hotel which is across from the center of the city. The place is very SF, and I was staying in the main tourist/shopping district. I passed the red light district (not impressive in the day time), about 4 Chinese restaurants, and about 7 athletic wear stores. I checked in then headed out. Headed to old town Frankfurt and saw city hall, some cathedrals, and a street lined with houses that were redesigned by famous architects from around the world post-WWII as a challenge to see what they could do with similar-sized structures. My favorite was this “upside down” house (pics to come. I forgot my card reader).

Headed across the river and encountered a huge flea market. Was disappointed to find that other people’s junk in Europe looks just like other people’s junk back home. Wanted a Neil Diamond record for shits & giggles but had the good sense not to buy it. I did buy this sausage. It was about 12 inches + and they serve it in this “bun” that was more like a dinner roll no longer than 4 inches. It felt kind of obscene being a single girl walking around eating a massive porn sausage. I couldn’t handle it (too much salty meat and grease) so I got a donar dolum, which is like a shawarma wrap but Turkish and with chicken. That was really good. Cost 4 euros, which is about $6. Damn you Bush. Look what you did to our money. Walked around (there are multiple bakeries and kaffe shops on each block, and the biggest pretzels you’ve ever seen), then stopped by a pub called Adolf Wagner for an Apfelwein (apple wine). It’s basically apple cider with the alcohol content similar to beer. It tastes like cider but with a weird watery aftertaste, like someone peed in your cider. But after a while, you don’t notice.

Took the train home (another German girl was very nice to help me because I was staring at the map blankly for a very long time), then fell asleep dreaming of going to a store and buying all the toiletries I needed. Woke up to realize I actually had to do it. Went out again just as it was getting dark. Everyone is so polite during the day, but flirtier/friendlier as dark falls. Seriously, the guys are cute out here. Oh my goodness. Not aggressive and predatory like Italians or leery like the French, but just open and friendly. You smile at them, and it opens them up and they give you the warmest smiles back. And they love their house/techno.

There are homeless people here, including schizophrenics. It’s very 3rd Street Promenade in a way, except when they’re talking to these people only they can see, they’re doing it in German. I usually like listening to these types of people and wondering what they’re talking about and who it is they’re seeing, but my 6 words/phrases of German did not help me translate.

Saw a cute little kid wearing an eyepatch. I started laughing. I’ve got this friend who plays basketball and will lose his contact sometimes. He’ll put it back in and keep playing, but inside, I kind of freak out because I’m afraid he’ll go blind since the floor is so dirty. I threw out most of my contact stuff since I got Lasik, but I looked around my house anyway to see if I had solution I could keep on hand but all I could find was overnight cleaner. If he doesn’t start bringing solution to the gym, he’s gonna get married in an eyepatch like a pirate!

Listened to some Peruvian street musicians playing, what are they called…wind flutes? My dad loves this type of music so I took a picture. I like the music too. I’m really drawn to any music that heavily uses minor keys. I like the emotions that those keys touch in me, my inner moody introvert.I’m still contemplating if I want to go out tonight. I’ve gotta get up early to take the train to Bacharach, which is off the Rhine. From what I read in the guidebook, it’s a cute little town where you can rent a bike to ride along the river and visit medieval castles.

It hasn’t been the most exciting day so far, but it’s been pleasant, a day of adjustment. I haven’t really talked to anyone though, outside of the handsome gentleman at the front desk of my hotel who looks like a young Elliott Gould. He tried to tell me I look like this famous woman, very pretty, but he couldn’t think of the name. Is she Asian, I asked. There are only a handful of famous Asian female celebrities. No, he said. I was surprised. I wonder who he’s thinking of.

hahahahahaha….he just came up with it. He says I look like J-Lo. I started cracking up. She’s got a big butt, I said, she’s got a nicer body. You have a nice body, too, he says. haha….he’s so proud of himself so I say thank you, but I don’t really think I look like J-Lo.

More later.

Guten Tag aus Deutschland!

I can’t believe I’m in Germany. This is so surreal because my mindset is exploration mode, but I’m in another country. I’m usually only in other countries with my mom and my brother (ah Michael…it’s already hard being so far away from him. It seems so wrong that I’m in the land of Mercedes and BMW’s without him. But I’ve been taking pictures of cars for him, and promised him I would visit the BMW factory).

So for those who are catching up, this is how it started. I quit my job on Friday, Feb 29th. That night, I was supposed to meet up with Sareet and the gang for DJ Ass & Titties at a club in Silver Lake. I was tired from the emotional strain of leaving my job and having to say goodbye to a family I’ve watched grow for almost 5 years. Plus, I’d already had quite a bit of happy hour tequila with the coworkers, and then gone home and had a good, cathartic cry. So I clean up and head out and am already all the way to Hollywood when I realize, I don’t want to spend all night at an 18 and older club in Silverlake, only having to drive all the way back at 2am. So I turn around. I’m halfway home when I decide I do need to do something to commemorate the day, because it’s the first day of the rest of my life. I figure, I never go to that Venice area, so I headed over.

As I park my car, I see across the street that Circle Bar has a line of about 40 men with no women (they were letting the women go straight in). I thought it would be funny to get in line. So as I’m in line, I meet a short dude who seemed really threatened by me a la Mike from back in the day, and showing immense growth over the last 4 years, I didn’t let him get in my head. I ended up talking to a couple of friendly Germans, and I asked them why they would wait an hour in a line to get into a bar that seemed to be all men. They said that this is where their hotel recommended. So I ended up waiting it out (I had nowhere else to be) because I really was curious if it was all dudes in there. I ended up talking to one of the guys in the bar and then driving him around LA showing him the sights at night while listening to my night mix on my iPod. He was a great guy. Had a lot of soul, had a lot of spirituality, and we were able to communicate on that level despite a language barrier. He said, you can do anything you want right now, be anywhere you want. You’re completely free and you should take advantage of this. He was really excited for me. You should go to Germany next week, he said. Okay, I said.

The thing is, I’ve got ties to Germany and I never understood why. I’ve never told anyone this, but my earliest conscious memories of dreaming involved dreaming of a fantastical factory that created identical blond hair, blue-eyed men (I don’t think it was an ego desire, because from childhood to now, I’ve always been drawn to dark-haired men and not aesthetically interested in blondes). But these dreams were recurring. Of course, when I got older, I realized why I should never, ever, ever tell anyone about these dreams. Once I learned about Nazism and their love of blond-haired, blue-eyed children, I found these childhood recurring dreams a little scary. I also loved photography from Germany, the landscapes and quaint villages, and was obsessed with WWII and what happened to the collective psychology of the German people. I took a German cinema class one summer at Berkeley, and learned the word, Heimat. There’s no English translation for this word, but it means something akin to motherland, the place where you come from. I fell in love with this word.

Was I a German in a past life? I was regressed once and I saw I lived in a cobblestone village. My father was blacksmith but I was an intellectual/academic type, though I was disappointed with my work as I expressed myself conservatively and never wanted to differ from what was academically accepted. I died on that cobblestone street, I just got dizzy and blacked out and that was the end, but my last emotion was one of bitterness at my own weakness. I thought this all took place in Austria but when I prepared for this trip, I learned that Bavaria is smilar to areas in Austria. Perhaps some lingering, overwhelming guilt would explain why I so obsessively strive to do good and put the good of others before my own. The guilt of the German people post-WWII is something I really want to feel and understand here. Perhaps it’s secretly because it is so close to my inexplicable guilt that I hope this trip will be cathartic.

I definitely feel good here so far. People here, like me, are polite and friendly.

I’ll update as I go, internet access allowing.

I’m ready. Thank you all for everything.
I wish you the very best in your lives.
I hope in the future we’ll meet again.

i’m exhausted. updating my ipod right now. i’m going to try to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and push myself hard with cardio so i’ll be exhausted for the plane ride.

i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i think this is a great time to get away and immerse myself in something else so when i get back to la, i can look at my life with fresh eyes.

i have big decisions to make when i come back. if i were courageous, i would move to sf. but i’m still not convinced my boundaries will be respected if i’m living that close to my family. but then, baron would get more time to spend staring at my breasts. ah, gay men love breasts. i also don’t want to give up my place in la. it’s my biggest energy source right now, so i won’t leave unless i can find one that’s equally as powerful in the bay area. but i think i would find more intelligent people who are willing to talk about ideas up in the bay area.

i think sometimes i sound like an elitist in terms of intelligence but i’m really not. lord knows, i’m usually not even the smartest person in any given room. but i think i’m just so sick of how people in la are actually intelligent, but something about this culture down here makes people not value intelligence and play down their own intelligence for the sake of fitting in. i’m busy trying to learn things and think about things so i can expand my mind, but it seems like this isn’t the most conducive environment.

one thing i do want to try though, before i leave, is to change my attitude. to just talk about the things i think about and if people want to give me blank stares or say i’m crazy, i won’t care. because i think what will happen is some of the people who are expansive thinkers but not speaking up, will speak up and engage. i just refuse to believe that people are this blank down here. they absolutely aren’t. i think it’s like what my lawyer said, there’s too much mental illness in la. so a lot of people stay quiet because they don’t want to sound like the crazies. well, there’s a thin line between madness and genius. you just have to know how to tread it as best you can. when you dive into that well to bring back something of value, always make sure you have an anchor, and only dive when you are strong.

so i’ll have no phone going into germany. fucking sprint. having no cellphone for me feels like not wearing a seatbelt when i get in a car. just totally naked.

i actually paid attention to packing today. i’m normally the world’s worst packer because i always do it last minute and i totally don’t care. i’m the kind of person who can show up to a place and realize i have no pants or socks or something. but i wanted to make sure i didn’t mess this up.

this is my first trip out of the country by myself. i always travel with family and i’ve done my little spontaneous trips in the US alone, but i’m going to a place where i don’t even know the language. i’m totally convinced this has a lot to do with me watching the amazing race for the first time a few months ago. there’s a part of me that’s always messing with the other part of myself that’s conservative and timid, so i’m guessing the plan is to drop me in the middle of germany armed with just a guidebook and my wits, and see if i can survive. it’s totally a survival adventure. i can feel that conservative/timid part of me has had a scream plastered on her face the last few days. she’s utterly terrified. of course, i ignore her. i got my mom’s war-general side.

the german guy wrote back and i told him i’m gonna be in germany. i debated whether i was going to tell him all week. it seems silly not to mention it, but then i worry about an unspoken expectation of sex. he seems pretty polite though and he’s busy with school so if i do end up seeing him, i’m not too worried. he’s close to munich which is the last leg of my trip, so at least by then i should be feeling more confident in traveling alone so i’ll be able to gauge the situation from a steadier foundation.

so i’m going to frankfurt, then bacharach, then amsterdam, then berlin, then bavaria/munich. i want to see if i can squeeze austria in, so i haven’t booked my hotel yet for munich. i’ll see how exhausted i am. i hope they have strong coffee out there, because i’m also a pussy with jetlag.

i have 6 dvds, 4 books, 2 comics and 2 notebooks. i think i treat boredom as something to avoid by all means. but i know this is just to pass the time on the plane. when i get there, i’ve got a lot of work to do.

weather is supposed to be in the 40’s. that doesn’t scare me.

the only thing that scares me in life anymore, is a teabag to the face by a black guy wearing only baby oil.

today was interesting.

got up today to visit my accountant. she told me i’m fucked. it’s just money, i thought and took it in stride, writing her a big happy check to a messenger i was expansive enough not to kill. violet by hole came blasting out as i turned on my car. fitting. drove away feeling like the shit.

so strong today. so strong today it blows my mind that i can’t share it with anyone.

i’ve been seriously thinking–how does a dead hooker become a dead hooker? does a person go in thinking, “I’m gonna kill that hooker.” or does it just happen because unbridled passion is a powerful thing. my scorpio explained the hooker usually ends up dead during the payment process. he’s adorably literal. i know people think i’m joking when i ask and that’s how i play it off, but i have genuine concerns. i have so much energy stored up right now, i’ve been steering clear of sex because i’m afraid i just might kill someone.

someone has been trying to plant the idea of sex in my head. this is funny to me because he doesn’t know that this tactic is redundant because sex is on my mind 100% of the time, even if it’s a program running in the background. this has been my more recent experiment that i started last summer. if you generate pressurized sexual energy at all times but give yourself no outlet except through mental thought and focus, you can create such intense magnetism that you can bypass a person’s defenses by controlling and imploding a sexually charged moment. basically, you can seduce whoever you want if you use that energy correctly.

sadly, this discovery was made by a very passive initiator. but it does work.

it’s been so easy to think about how things work in my head since working at a software company. the idea of a software running invisibly in the background, sdk integrations and crm systems has helped me understand how i can reprogram my thinking to mimic how software works. when our crm system went down, it was a mess because that’s where we stored all of our notes about client relationships, phone numbers, pricing, etc. the system would keep erasing information every time they updated the software. after a while, it was erasing information to the point we couldn’t keep it there anymore. so instead, i memorized everything i needed. i basically organized a portion of my brain as a customer management tool. i couldn’t remember numbers, but i was able to retain a large database of about 50 accounts with company names, contact names and positions, emails, pricing and notes about their project history. one day, i was talking to a customer and telling him that i was forgetting random things, like i was talking to my friend about her job, and then 5 minutes later, i asked her how grad school was. she told me, i’ve been out of school for two years, then looked at me weird because we’d just been talking to her about her post-grad job. i told my customer that when that happened, i realized i had to dump some of this information out of my head to outlook because it was taking up too much memory and i didn’t have a place to store the details of my personal life.

then that night, i realized the magnitude of what i’d managed to do. i’d literally arranged my mind to mimic a software, albeit a software boasting a modest memory.

that leads me to…what else can i do?

anyway, i digress.

drove out to cypress park to witness this porn burrito i’d read about in a jonathan gold review. it was indeed obscene. i bought it para llevar so i could take it home, lay it out on a counter and take pictures of it for brian. i took a picture with it next to a loaf of bread and the loaf was a little more than half the size of the burrito. i wasn’t satisfied that brian would truly appreciate the sheer enormity of the thing so i left it on the counter for when he got home. i would post the pictures here but they honestly make me blush.

fell into a two hour k-hole. dreamt about pasadena families with old money in the style of a telenovela. woke up realizing i did NOTHING to prepare for my trip and ran out to get traveler’s checks 10 minutes before the bank closed.

the guy who helped me was a nice guy named ricardo. i asked him if he’s ever been to germany. he said no, but there’s a girl who comes into this bank who used to be the point guard at ucla. she’s playing for a team in germany. he says i should go try to find her. i told him that would be cool if someone can tell me where to play basketball in germany. then i realized something and asked him, wait, is she japanese? he said, yeah. her name is natalie nakase. i tell him, this is crazy but i just read an article randomly about her last month. she’s an inspiration. he said, really?. he says, crap, she had emailed me but i think i deleted her email. secretly i wonder if there was something romantic between them and if he’d not been into long-distance…so i play her up. yeah, there’s this amazing article about how no one thought she’d play college ball and then she excelled there and was making her way towards the wnba. wow, he says. i didn’t know. she’s got an amazing story, i say. i’m starting to feel like i really know this girl and have been following her career for years, the way i feel proud of her.

here’s her article: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features02.asp

i randomly found it looking up my tae kwon do grandmaster because my mom told me her story was amazing: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features05.asp

so i send natalie a message because i figured i was supposed to do something. i just tell her what happened and asked her if she knew of any women-friendly basketball courts in germany. but then i read her blog and i have so many questions, like how she communicates with her teammates, and what it’s like to be playing out a dream. my dream was always to play professional sports. softball was supposed to be my ticket but it eventually took my left knee…yet who knew i was an even better basketball player. i wonder if i hadn’t been so angry at my father, if i had stuck with basketball, if things would have been different.

(today’s digressions are bad)

so after the bank, i go to the gym. adeleine from work had said she hoped to see me there when she went for training. i do the elliptical for an hour (hopped on and off for the people waiting so it wasn’t a satisfactory hour) and some bike, watched 3 episodes of curb your enthusiasm. ethan/etan (the basketball stalker) came by. i had worried over the weekend that i would end up punching him if he said the wrong thing when we saw each other again. basically, he’s been harassing me because he’s arrogant and can’t believe i’m not interested in him. yes, he’s a good-looking guy, top 30% of guys i actually talk to, but just so, so stupid. he keeps oversharing about his asian girlfriends and then no matter what i say to him, he just tells me i’m difficult and a piece of work. he did something kind of fucked up as a joke that was mean to this weird old guy who’s always staring at me, so when he caught me later, i’d told him that was really mean and not cool. then i told him, look. i’m a very nice person, and i like being a nice person. i don’t like this verbal sparring but i’ll do it because i’m basically mirroring you and i can’t help that. but if you want to talk to me, you need to talk to me like a normal human being, otherwise i’m not talking to you anymore. then he flew off the handle, was upset about this “normal human being business.” he said i was ridiculous then stormed away. i kept working out for another 10 minutes before i left, but i was seething inside. if he’d just put down this weird aggressively defensive approach, i’d be willing to get to know him. but it’s like having someone who keeps sl
apping you on the back of the head.

so today, of course, he walks up to me and says what’s up and i think, oh no. but he’s actually nice today, making an effort. so maybe he did hear me. just a little bit. but he still talks to me like i’m this creature from another planet and he’s an angry little boy who’s equally as terrified as intrigued. but i gave him a couple of points because he was making an effort.

his business partner hops on a machine and when he finds out i’m in marketing, he tells me their company needs help with marketing. i tell him, i’m trying to build up my marketing company right now so i’d be happy to do freelance consulting and can bill depending on the size and scope of the project. it sounds like they need help with their website, defining their market and working with press and product placement, all things i can do. i ask him to email me with their web address but he’s gotta go play basketball so he tells ethan(etan) to do it. he emails me from his blackberry. he jokes, where should i put my phone number? i say dryly, of course, cuz you’ve been trying to give it to me for months. he’s offended so i say bye and leave.

i check my email when i get home but i figure i’ll look at their website later. as i’m in my inbox another email from him comes in. he’s written: when r we going out? i write back: when i’m convinced you can talk to me like a human being on a consistent basis. the 10 minutes today was a good start… he writes: unreal! i quote you lines and stories i attempt to make u laugh. wow.

whatever.

it’s as much fun as banging your head against a wall.

back to the gym. i just miss adeleine after her training. i was in the weight area, which i never venture into. i’m convinced that the dark dc marked his territory and the weight area is his the way the back cardio row and the courts are mine. we’ve managed to coexist without interacting for 4 months now. i know when i’m in his area or see him, it can make me wary and twisted in a way that i lose my appetite. i went in there on sunday to do work on my shoulder but his energy zapped me for two days. that’s fucked up. so i went in there again today to try to weaken the energy. dark dark energy but i’m intent not to let it have any power over me.

wanted to buy underwear at victoria’s secret but the mall was closing in 30 minutes and i hate rush shopping. sometimes it blows my mind the things i do to secretly amuse myself. i always wear my sexiest underwear under my shorts when i play basketball, because i think it’s funny that i’m banging with the boys in the most un-feminine way…yet no one knows i’m secretly wearing very feminine lingerie. i’ve also let someone call me cindy now for a couple of years.

went home and discussed the porn burrito with brian. saw i had a message from rie and as i went to call her, tracy called. talked to him. i do admire him in some ways and do feel he can be impishly evil sometimes. i think he wants to know if he’s managed to push a button. am putting something in the mail for him and hope it results in inspiration. called rie and we talked about tango, men, heartbreak and the rules of married conduct (i love calling her a desperate housewife). she insists i visit amsterdam. i told her, it looks like it would be logical for me to go there first, but if i tell people i’m going to germany and i end up spending the whole time in amsterdam, people will think i’m a drug addict. she promised me amsterdam is beautiful. i would like to see the anne frank museum so i’m willing to consider it. i only know one person in amsterdam…it was this guy i met in cancun over christmas who told me the next time he saw me, he would prove to me what a great lover he is. i think he meant it as a promise but i kind of took it as a threat because he wasn’t that attractive. i hope the place is big enough to not run into him…

which brings me to now. what the fuck am i doing up at 4am?

I was reading about my Pluto in the 3rd House:

Pluto was found in the third house at the time of your birth. This planet appears to rule over everything that occurs at extremes. Therefore we should expect a similar inclination of your mind in terms of extreme good or extreme evil. Among your mental faculties there will exist an inspiration of unknown origin which will aid you in times of severe crisis, whether of a financial or psychological nature. The basic trait granted by Pluto here is perpetual and active planning with a tenor of Machiavellian speculation. Your mind oscillates between contrary concepts and it seeks to find truth by dialectic analysis of opposites. In addition to the mental characteristics described above, also possess power of penetration, ingenuity, and assertive aggression – you can well force your views on others. You will be attracted to intellectual pursuits completely apart from science such as politics and/or scenic art.

I wanted to look up Machiavellian to understand the nuances of how it was being used here. Learned about High Machs. Oddly, randomly thought about a guy I’d known almost 10 years ago earlier today, and remembered how creepy and charmingly manipulative he was. His last name was Macht.

That article led me to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_dominance_orientation

Which then made me realize, all this talk about High Machs and social dominance orientation, sounded eerily like all the teachings of a Scorpio that I was experiencing last year. I would be interested to see how many of these people who tested as High Machs and with high-SDO were Scorpios or had Pluto prominent in their charts.

got my kcrw package today. now listening to morcheeba – deep dive.

(i could swear i already have this album). figured if i don’t know, i must not have been impressed and maybe in this setting, i’ll like it.

it’s nice in the background tonight.

the problem with march is it can make your mind blur as you start climbing into the world of daydream. but it’s quite a beautiful thing if you don’t overthink it.

lots and lots of power yesterday. sunday as well. wow. good clean energy. wanted to hug everyone to see them smile.

low level anxiety starting up. very, very low frequency but a whine nevertheless. mars energy about to cut in on the dance.

went to gym. made a one handed 3 pointer while playing 21 with a black dude (he was cute but you know where i am now). he was impressed. i made it rain all day and it was effortless, the cleanest snap of the net like the ball was a mirage passing through almost every time. it was the same thing in the 3-on-3 games. effortless. and i pretended i didn’t notice because i knew if i did, it would stop. but i was watching myself and thinking, this isn’t me. it was the same feeling this sunday, the same feeling that one night a couple of weeks ago when the guys followed me out, telling me my shooting was like nothing they’d ever seen. i’m not at all saying this to brag because lord knows, i’m not that good generally. but, the crazy thing is, i AM that good when i’m alone. it’s been one of the more frustrating things in my life, how i can do certain things really well when i’m alone, and then get anxious about people’s attention so it’s not even worth telling people i’m good at something because i’ll never be able to prove it. but lately, i’m staying detached enough to be able to do things despite there being people watching or listening. i still lose focus though, but it’s getting better.

spent some time getting to know mike. his focus comes from a deeper place but if you distract him mentally and he has to “go upstairs” to respond, he’ll lose focus. i’m willing to talk to him but can’t figure out where his ears are, figuratively. so i kind of give him a pat on the back kind of energy, and hope sometime in the future we’ll find a common language with which we can communicate. i wonder why he feels bad about himself. when i touch it, it makes me feel sad, too. and a little dark.

i’m hearing a lot more colors and textures than i used to when i’m engaged with a person. it’s like i reached a higher level of my challenge and it opened up a handful of extra colors that i’ve never experienced before, so i’ve been out there have a blast painting with them. it’s creating new discoveries everywhere.

finished booking my ticket today. it was more complicated than i realized it would be but it’s done. i said i would be in germany this week, and i will be. (TERRRRRRRIFIED. good thing i tend to dismiss my emotions quickly).

you are a liar.

i know.

the kids called from work today. i was on my way home from the gym and picked up the call to hear avi and adeleine. they said no one was in the office (the narc’s in israel) so they’re just chilling. it was good to hear from them. like hearing from your friends at camp while you’re home spending the summer with a tutor. which is strange because technically i’m the one having fun, even though i’m in a period where i’m doing a lot of hard work in other ways. adeleine told me that avi was coming in on time and wearing button down shirts every day, and i was really happy. i don’t tend to get my hopes up but when i find out that one of my messages actually manages to go from something abstract to something real, it’s amazing. i had high hopes for avi and one of the last things i kept saying before i left, was for him to give people no reason whatsoever to belittle his capabilities and his contribution. and that i couldn’t wait for the day in the future, when i pick up my phone and it’s him calling to tell me he’s in sf for the day on business, and he’s this successful guy now who’s gotten to the place he’s always wanted for himself. they said they missed me but my energy is still in the office. i told them to take care of each other, especially the boys with adeleine. i promised adeleine i would see her at the gym tomorrow.

you know i’m creating another person in here, right? that’s the secret. just know this.

11 11 > 22.

22 is reality.

>22 is everything beyond our wildest dreams.

Virgos are assholes. What? Yeah, you heard me. Virgos are assholes. And Pisces, too. Don’t fucking tell me I don’t even know you. You like chasing things you can’t have and saving people who are oh so tragic and oh so helpless without you. Why’re you sitting there writing poetry when there’s a war going on, man? You’re romantic cuz you’re a pussy. Cancers…get over your mom. Everybody, together now, “Get over your mom.” You don’t owe that hootch anything.

Leos, I wish your dicks were as big as your egos.

Scorpios, it’s like Sleeping with the Enemy.

Sags–what do you rhyme with?

Caps– zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Libras, you passive muthafuckers, Taurus, I’m talking to you too. Aries, you know how to bang your head against things until you get results. Aquarius, so do you. Sometimes. No wait, not really.

But Geminis, my fellow Geminis…wtf?

i wanted to make a t-shirt that says lesbians love me.

it’s funny cuz it’s true.

but then i was afraid people would get the wrong idea.

how does a society charge up swear words? why is “fuck” a swear word and not “condom.” wait, i think it is sometimes. but why some words over others?

my mom told me that “fore” in cantonese is (phonetically) “fugyiu.” so it sounds like they’re saying fuck you all day at the golf course. and “that” in chinese sounds like “nigga” in english. my friends counted once and i said “nigga” 19 times in a 7 minute phone conversation with my mom while riding bart. first of all, yes, i was that asshole talking in chinese on a cellphone on bart. and yes, i was scared of all the black people in the car for the rest of the ride. but that’s not the point. why do i sound like a sista when i talk to my mom, and how did they charge up that word when heard by english speakers?

it’s gotta be energy. the more energy, emotions, events, memories, etc. are stored in a symbol, be it an object or a word, the more it has weight beyond intellectual communication.