Echo

Ooh, her friend came back and she looks determined. She’s either gonna cockblock or insist it’s time to go home.
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Bartender asked for new developments. I said her friend left leaving a threeway. She would put up with the crass, fat friend if it meant getting future- Curtis lookalike in bed. The boys just have to get onboard. Bartender bought me a drink.
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The fat friend grabbed the fat girl’s boob and she screamed. Bartender and I looked at each other and smirked.
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Now the bartender’s in on it. We’re giggling about it.
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Future-Curtis lookalike’s friend just threw a toothpick down the shirt of the fat one with big tits. He high fives him because this bitch bugs.
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He knows it won’t.
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He’s drinking because he hopes as the night progresses the situation will get better.
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I am sitting here watching a guy who looks like Curtis, just 2 years older and bored out of his mind with these idiotic girls he’s with.
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Remember Beau? I do. His unconsciousness was mindblowing.
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I was definitely on the path of no good as a kid. Deliciously no good. Probably still am.
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The right guy can still be the wrong guy, just years too early and out of place.
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When I wrote my 5 year-old sex fiend post, I thought about all the boys who were in my circle back in the day all letting out a collective disappointed groan, wherever they all are in this world. What coulda been…
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You and me are the unifying principle of the universe.
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A girl like me will think you’re a better guy than you really want to be. And that was always why it was better we didn’t even take the first step.
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The wrong guy can still be the right guy, just years too early and in the wrong place.
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The first time I hung out with Curtis. I saw him orbiting closer and closer, testing out different distances. When I noticed he was suddenly sitting on my couch and I couldn’t remember how long he’d been there, and realized if I leaned back he would be within a personal space distance too close to ignore, I decided I needed to leave. He said he had no intentions of trying anything but from my perspective, his intentions followed a straight line with a clear motivation. But he says it wasn’t in his mind.

So then, like right now. The guy in the bar sitting next to me. I haven’t directly caught him watching me, but I know he is because he’s mirroring me. I keep my eyes off him. Pick up my drink, he picks up his. I lean back, he leans back. And we have yet to make eye contact. A few minutes ago, he leaned against the bar to order a drink. His hand rested against mine. I moved my arm. He quickly moved his hand. So if I looked him in the eye suddenly and asked him if he is trying to get my attention, he would be shocked and say no? Or is he completely unconscious of his body carrying out the intentions of his will?

I think I tend to interact with people’s shadows, their unconscious being. Maybe that’s why I see things they communicate that they seem oblivious of (or perhaps they’re not willing to admit), and I have these experiences with people where I have conversations that they don’t remember or don’t own up to. Or maybe the part of these people that reach out for me is a completely different consciousness within the person. Either way, whether or not people admit it or remember, I don’t enter any life unless they drew me into it. I don’t go anywhere I wasn’t first wanted.

League starts on Tues so I asked PT to evaluate me to clear me for basketball. I got cleared for everything basketball not involving contact. So I was at the gym minding my own business when my ball bounced slowly towards this red-haired woman stretching next to the court. Out of courtesy I yelled “Heads up.” She took one look at my ball and then kicked it to the other side of the court. Mind you, she’s a woman in her 40’s. I glared at her in disbelief and she continued her exercises. I let go of the urge to call her a fucking cunt.

The sales manager happened to be there so I went over to tattle, saying I just got a taste of Pacific Northwest hospitality. His response? At least you’re not in New York. Then this guy playing half court crashed into my shoulder. It was terrifying but I survived. Guess contact is okay.
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I draw the line when men start alluding to their penis.
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Was gonna bring my ipod to play in the car, but then I remembered how Toto’s Africa came on in the car last time and how awesome that was, so I wanted to trust the randomness of the radio. As soon as I got in Africa started playing. That was cool. Followed by Jay-Z’s “can I hit it in the morning without giving you half of my dough,” followed by Death Cab’s “Cath.” Can you imagine that? Magnetic music day.
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In my early 20’s, I knew I had an option, a possibility, to get married in 2006. Just something I knew, but I knew it was an option. Sure enough, it came and passed, and I didn’t latch on to it.

What people don’t know is I have my commitment day in my calendar. Not something I aspire to and hope for, but something I saw. If it comes to pass, it will let Future Julia know that she is indeed stronger at seeing and should further trust her instincts. If nothing happens, it was just a training exercise, part of the big picture of getting myself stronger.

But there is another date that should be kept an eye on.

February 29th, 2012

It is the tail of February 29th, 2008

Without endings there are no beginnings.
With every beginning comes an ending.
Except with ouroboros, then it is the reality that transcends time and space. As all beginnings and endings are one and the same, on a day that doesn’t exist.

This will also be a 9 day. 9 days are home days for me. My journey began on Leap Day 2008. Leap Day 2012 will be the day of completion. The end of a 4 year cycle. I thought of a bridge and I thought of drowning. I remembered this post.

We shall see.