so many people dream about how life could be when they don’t make create it within what life is. we have so much power in our hands, our hearts, our beings. we could help each other.
safe at home
my soul is open to the entire world
everywhere, i hear the echoes of people
it’s like i’m watching their lives unfold, with or without me
everything happening inside of them
but entire universes
sometimes i don’t know if they’re real or not
so i just always try to think of them positively just in case
my emotions are three dimensionally visual
i can light you in light
i can light you in dark
as long as you tell me where your core is
your deepest secret
i can build you from the ground up with my mind
because my secret is i’m blind
you want it bad enough
i’ll give it to you until things stop adding up
but if i stopped turning these lights on real people
and projected them into realms that don’t exist
i could get a lot more done
sometimes i wonder how hard i really want to be useful
how much i really want to share
because it really is more fun getting inside of people
even though it hurts a little more
technology is right now. how information travels. how to find a universal language. you can feel it in the air in aquarius. blue lightning. smell of fresh rain on cement. dramatic winds. blue. everything’s blue. but only if you’re quick enough to catch it from the corner of your eye. the next stage is a common language that unlocks everything, simultaneous understanding on multiple levels.
the problem is, you are human and i am not. everyone has got to be kinder. doesn’t mean i stop being honest. it just means take the kind route whenever possible, even if it totally hurts. be a bigger person.
that was the one thing my parents always instilled in me. no matter what, always be the bigger person. i learned not to be the mean person. i learned not to be the manipulative person. i learned not to be the coward. i learned not to be angry with walls. bigger meant not being harder. not being higher. not being overpowering. it ultimately meant exercising the discipline to let go, so that no matter what happened, you wouldn’t let it hurt you in any place that will kill you. you believe that you will always be able to heal. it meant seeing that no matter what someone’s age, sometimes people behave like children, so you have to be understanding (though never enabling), and show them a strong example of character. or you do your best to. it’s hard being human, but it’s just what you strive for.
truth hands
sarah and jef have something they call “truth hands.”
sarah and jef have two cats.
one called killer who was jef’s cat from his life in indiana before he met sarah. the story is that one night, coming home from work, jef got out of his truck to find a kitten nearby. he never wanted a cat so he walked away but found that the kitten followed him, all the way to the stairs of his apartment. as he walked up, he saw the kitten struggling up the stairs that were almost too big for him. he decided that if the kitten made it all the way up the stairs and through the door of his apartment, he’d keep him.
this is how killer chose jef.
the other is truth.
sarah and jef decided to find a companion together for killer. they had also just moved to florida and maybe there’s just something lonely about florida.
they were at the shelter and sarah saw the name truth. all they could see of truth were two tiny little ears peeking out of a food bowl.
sarah remembers a life changing paper she wrote in college where she had to decide on one core philosophy and apply it to different issues, and she had chosen truth as her life philosophy.
this is how sarah chose truth.
truth is a broken cat. she was taken away from her mother too young, and received treatments too early that made her sick. truth never quite looks you in the eye and you have to be very careful when you touch her, showing her you have the purest of intentions.
since jef and killer bonded in a very rough, masculine way, sarah describes to jef the act of being gentle as “truth hands.” it’s being able to put the ego completely down and be open.
sometimes, even if it hurts you, you have to use “truth hands” because it’s the kindest thing to do.
i’m in a great mood today. a bit of a rollercoaster, but it was raining today, so it was very peaceful to be home.
tomorrow i start a new era. new gym.
actually two new gyms. one on each coast. that’s been a real positive. gyms are like homes to me and having new expansive places to explore has been exactly what i need.
today was a day filled with beauty and light.
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i refer back to this quote:
why cry over a guy who makes you cry? if a guy makes you cry, he’s not worth crying over.
*****
it’s nothing but words. words and words and more words. they’re like greeting cards. generic little feel good blurbs, offers of hope that apply to anyone, that apply to no one. they’re said because you expect it’s what i want to hear but where’s the substance? i have a brain. i have eyes. i have heart. i can see if the words have nothing behind them. i know your history of actions. you’ll say anything when you’re scared to lose, but as soon as you have what you want, you sit in your corner and forget about any promises you ever made. didn’t think i noticed that, did you? maybe you didn’t either. you don’t want me. when it comes to what you want, your feelings and needs always come first. you don’t respect me. you are just too used to getting what you want from women. do you really think that’s love? sounds pretty spoiled to me.
words and words and more words. with no heart. no action. no future. no connection. no effort. a stew without meat. a hearth without fire. a life with no future. the fingers of a greedy man, a needy man, offering nothing in return. but crumbs. and his ocean of hurt that he wants you to fix for him…or else. his instant ability to change face and take away all warmth and punish you when you ask him to fulfill his lofty promises.
(you want to make god laugh? tell him your excuses)
don’t you know who you’re talking to? don’t you know who i am?
obviously not. because you offer illusions. dangling carrots of things that might be, could be, in some faraway place and future, never wanting to do the work to make them the way things are. just words and words and more words. lazy words that just don’t add up to anything honest.
sometimes a person only knows words, because he’s lost his sense of truth. open up, butterfly. anything short of a complete confession, you lose.
oh the lies. all the lies. those were a riot. i almost destroyed myself over how often i fell for the lies. how disappointed i was over your inability to take responsibility, to be strong and honest. stupid girl, always trusting. until i realized the door was open and i am free to walk out and not put up with this unworthy bullshit. to never look back. and then i remembered who i am. my strength. i remembered truth. i am beautiful for trusting. you are weak for lying.
what you did was wrong on so many levels. i don’t owe you anything. intimacy is not playing 20 questions to piece together the mystery of your partner, fearing the uncovering of more lies, the unveiling of a coward. there are enough amazing people in this world who want you to get to know the real them than to pull teeth with someone who doesn’t.
nothing but truth will touch me anymore. i won’t be tricked again. your words are empty boxes, gift wrapped with nothing inside. you’ll never catch me falling for empty promises again. i deserve better. i am better. i deserve people who love me in a way that is loving and positive, and not painful and destructive. it really is that simple. i will never get bullied or talked out of the happiness i know i deserve again.
as for you, figure it out or don’t. it never was my problem. i was nice enough to help, but it was never my problem. it was yours. i’m tired of going in circles because you love your words and excuses more than you love truth.
trust
in 5th grade, there was this girl, mary christian. she was tall with long, straight brown hair and a face that kind of looked like a horse. but i hung out with her because she read a lot and we could always talk about books. she once told me that her mom made the best butterscotch. being the food nut that i was, since i’d never had butterscotch, i asked her if i could try some. she said that she could sell me a pound for a penny. so i gave her a penny and she promised she would get some.
the next day i found her at recess and asked her if she’d brought the butterscotch. she told me her mom would make it over the weekend so she would bring it then. the next monday, i asked her about it and she told me she’d forgotten it. she managed to keep this up for a good few months with me asking her every few days, and her coming up with an excuse. it took me a really long time to realize that no one sells a pound of butterscotch for a penny, and to come to the realization that mary had lied to me and had been playing a joke at my expense. but she had me going for months. i think at first, i really wanted to try butterscotch, but then it became a desire to not realize that mary had lied to me and that i’d been so naive.
to this day, i still want to see the best in people. i find so often, people will sell me a bill of rights to something that’s pure potential, or which doesn’t exist. sometimes i hate that about me. that i’m so open to trusting people and that they all have noble intentions, like me. then i remember that it’s the people who are dishonest and take advantage of those who put their trust in them who are sad and incomplete.
From 9 Signs of a Cheater. So I never forget.
7. He’s Being Caught in Lies About Other Things
If you catch him in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged. Don’t hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing. You can forgive, but don’t forget. If he consistently breaches your trust, it’s establishing a pattern of behavior that leads to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don’t let him talk his way back in.
getting my mojo back. stronger than when i left. hitting the next level. no turning back. no stopping me now. no time for idiots. no time for hand holding. i’ve taken off.
woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.
i am, of course, the big spoon.
getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i’ve ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i’m hiding from my own strength and potential.
there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven’t got time for anymore. i find that i’m still a pretty nice person, but i just don’t have time for bullshit anymore. i don’t want to fix anyone’s life, and i don’t need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves…that’s just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.
i recognize i’m missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it’s all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:
1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can’t handle them, can’t really be with them. i need a truly strong man.
2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it’s easy to be given something and make more of it. it’s harder to take nothing–a thought, an idea, a desire–and make it into a reality. i’m one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.
3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it’s the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.
4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it’s just what feels like home.
5. a man who’s happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.
6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.
7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he’ll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it’s hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he’ll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he’ll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he’s worthy of trust.
8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.
9. a man who’s emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he’s not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it’s reality. you make the most of what you’ve got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.
10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you’ll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.
11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.
12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there’s no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.
13. he will love me as much as i love him. that’s a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.
14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.
15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.
16. he’s an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy…it’s almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they’re quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it’s inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.
17. he must be a man. so many men don’t seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it’s not going through the motions. it’s not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don’t run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you’re human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don’t have time for anyone unless they’re a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.
18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he’s the one i’ve been looking for, and i’m the one he’s been looking for. i’ve almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he’ll already know, and the way i’ll know is that he’s going to ask the right questions.
it’s so weird that sarah was my good friend when we were in junior high and freshman year of high school before moving to florida. in a way, my teen life went downhill after that in ways she always finds shocking, but she always said that girls from our school were really mean.
yet now, over a decade later, as soon as she heard about things falling apart with david and i, she and her husband jef immediately invited me out to florida to stay with them and rest, recuperate and write.
i was a little nervous at first because i worried what we would have in common now as adults after so many years apart when originally, what brought us together was being on the same little league team. but now, in ways, in brings me to tears to realize the truth in love and connections between people…that sometimes, there are people who love you whether or not you realize it, and when in a time of need, these are the same people who are there for you to pull you back into who you really are. the last few weeks have really made me realize how wealthy i am in terms of the people in my life, even though for whatever reason, i never realized or appreciated them.
it’s been so healing to be out here. jef and sarah are almost caricatured opposites–he’s an engineer working at ea, and she’s a children’s novelist. they’re complete left brain and right brain. but what they have in common are they each have big, open hearts and so much love for each other that it extends into the ones their loved one loves. it’s been nice being around a functional, loving marriage and to see how two people are actually making themselves the best version of themselves within the union. that’s what i always believed a good relationship should do, and even though david had really negative, pessimistic ideas about how good relationships should be, i know that i’ve seen good relationships so i’ve never lost that sense. being here reminds me of that. it’s also been nice getting back to writing. i had a big breakthrough in my book so it’s moving along now.
i feel like the last 10 months have been a giant detour. while i don’t regret it, after a while, i was funneling so much of my energy into something that had no desire to change. it was like trying to coax someone out of a corner and having them fight you and try to tell you that they’re not in a corner, but at the end of the day, i had to move on. because i was losing myself. i was losing my life force. in moments where i felt really beaten down, i thought i would die, emotionally and spiritually if not potentially physically.
my family caught me. my friends caught me. they’ve surrounded me and i’m healing. i feel myself getting stronger and stronger every day. i feel myself getting my energy back, getting myself back.
when i set out on my trip to germany last march, this is not the place i was aiming to end up. regardless, everything happens for a reason and so i’ve gotten an enriching life experience, and i took a chance on something i had high hopes for.
but now i have to be true to myself and my potential. i’m moving on, moving on my path because life is short and i don’t have a lot of time. i have everything i need for this leg of the journey–a strong circle of people who believe in me and know who i am, and a strong sense of myself and knowing that i can achieve anything i put my mind to. i’m done trying to help others reach their own potential. it’s time for me to reach my own.
god, it’s so hard. it’s like some days i have a handle, i can see myself standing up, getting stronger, moving past this. and then something small, usually my mom calling, and that weight just slams back in my chest and throws me back underwater.
Lonesome tears
I can’t cry them anymore
I can’t think of what they’re for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I’ll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can’t erase
I don’t need them anymore
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for a while
Oh I’ll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
i can’t decide if i want the warriors to tank or go for some semblance of dignity. there are only two players in the draft i want and i just don’t feel like that stuff is ever the warriors’ destiny. but it would be damn cool if one way or the other, we got someone new who’s a real winner.
and this whole vince-carter-saw-the-whole-plane-crash news story.
he was looking out of the window in his pad overlooking the hudson and saw the entire plane crash. he comments, “i thought i was watching tv.”
my question to vince:
exactly how BIG is your tv?!?
why can’t we just do whatever it takes just to be content? why do we always have to fulfill all of our potential? haven’t i already fulfilled my potential of being a good person? that should honestly be enough. yes, i understand i’m good at anything i put my mind to. the rest should be up to me to put my mind to whatever makes me content because i’m going to make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone. everyone who loves me should really just be happy for me that i’m happy being me. be kind, be helpful, but let me be me. and i promise i won’t forget you and will come back when you need me.
Why do we connect with one person and not another? Why are the things that are most important, the truth behind the great mysteries, bigger than our minds and hearts can handle, but too small for our fingers to grasp?
On a day like this, I can look out into the sky and feel you echoing back. I know to me, you are my other, but to the world, you are me. The interpretation is that I’m searching for me, but who can tell if one person’s projection is unique to themselves and not real if seeing through people to connect to you, I manage to pick up things that are real and tangible and healing to them.
I want to know you because I’ve had so many people try to tell me what I am that I just want someone who sees me and understands me and can appreciate the value of what I give. This is home. I want you to see me and be honest so I can see myself, so I can get my bearings, maximize myself, feel the expansion of myself but know what belongs to me. Nothing matters to me but the truth.
Yet somewhere in this search, somewhere in the tension of chasing a polarity that may or may not exist, something powerful comes out. If anyone takes the time to look, they can see it. There is evidence of something greater everywhere. Our thoughts and dreams, our hopes and wishes, our anxieties and fears, we all make choices both in what we take in and what we put out that affects the world around us. Each point of consciousness is a universe unto himself and within the outer world, its reflection.
Sometimes people want me to love them in such a specific way that they manage to turn what’s unconditional into what’s conditional. People can always sense that I have something, and while I share quite a bit, there’s a part that I’m saving, because that belongs to myself and my life partner. Personally, I feel that is my right and choice. Sometimes people want me to consistently see them the way I look at them even if their actions aren’t harmonious with it, because what I can see is a powerful, positive, beautiful image of their selves which includes their flawed, fallible humanness, and if I’m seeing it and reflecting it, it validates that there is great beauty and value within them. But they want me to see them this way all the time, giving me great responsibility to uphold an ideal of another person, even though I know it’s most important that a person comes to accept their own beauty and potential and their place in reality, and comes to terms that part of being beautiful is being human. And sometimes, I see a person’s path to their highest potential, a potential where they are free from self undoing, which can be reached with faith and courage but requires conscious work. While many will help a person strive towards the positive, no one can ultimately give you your freedom but yourself. It takes fearlessness, compassion, forgiveness and love. And sometimes, these are the hardest things for a person to turn inwards.
Some of the things people want from me can not be sustained because obviously, I am human. Unconditional positive regard, positive and warm human bonds, these are not only sustainable in our reality, but these are our lifelines that nourish us and replenish us. But a vision of an ideal…this is a glimpse of a far off place that’s possible, but does not yet exist. To believe in this ideal is inspirational, but to get so desperately lost in this ideal that you forget to embark on your journey towards it, is tragic. Even the idea of ideal love is illusory, as beautiful and grand and inspirational as it is, because the need for love is the hunger that pushes you to seek, but it is the truth of each person’s acceptance of themselves and their world, the truth of open-hearted kindness and reciprocity, the truth that one must value oneself and must give thanks to oneself first before one can accept it from others, the truth of human warmth conveyed through companionship and mutual growth amidst life’s rhythms and cycles that creates attainable beauty, beauty that is in this world, not of this world. Love is my passion, my life’s work, my life’s blood, my favorite gift. But beyond that are connections. Separate universes can not intersect except in the shadow play of symbols. And aren’t we all in human form just condensed symbols representing entire universes? Our projections and perceptions the interpretations of our infinite beings?
I have a lot of unconditional love to give to people who believe they deserve it. I have a lot to give even to people who deep down believe they don’t, but it’s not sustainable until they can find a place where they believe they do and can accept it. I have a well that is always refilling because of the connections I’ve made and the love given to me by those around me. I tend to let spiritually wounded people in because they are the ones most in need of faith and love. I want people to be people, not shadows and ghosts made up of a series of reactions to their past and their wounds and their fear, their bitterness, their disappointments, their anger, but flesh and blood beings who are here and present and connected…seeing, feeling, experiencing, believing with their full, infinite selves. I love David, despite his rejection of parts of himself and his past, summoning more energy than I’d ever given to another to try to push him out of his corner, to be open and vulnerable to him so he could trust me. What I wanted most was for him to step out of his cage and embrace himself, for his own integration and empowerment as much as so I could see who he is. Every day he looked more and more like himself and every day his light shined brighter from a place so deep within him. And I saw, a beautiful man give me everything he could so the love could go full circle. But I couldn’t keep maintaining my belief because his pain would cause him to cut me so deep, draining my own life force quicker than I could replenish it and keep it clean. I loved him fiercely, like I believed I could melt his pain, that my fire could burn so brightly that he could never believe in darkness again. But at the end of the day, that pain was his, and to try to take it away was like trying to cut out a piece of his flesh that had become a part of what he knew of himself. He always felt like I was hurting him, attacking him, and he would have to defend himself. It was this way that I learned it was for me to support but not for me to struggle, that each person must still stand up on their own if they are going to reclaim themselves and find their own path towards peace, and no one can do this for you even if they have the best of intentions. I am committed to work within myself to be the change in the world I want to see, but I also want the world to uphold its bargain and be the change it wants to see in me. But sadly, sometimes I feel people have always let me down by putting their energy into attaching to me and wanting me to support them, or attacking me for what I’m not giving them or because my singlemindedness is threatening to them, rather than by completing and integrating themselves to make themselves stronger which would in effect, keep me happily in orbit with them. The thing is, I care more than people are always willing to appreciate. People don’t know that I think about people who have come into my life all the time and hope that they are finding their peace. I may not want to be close if I feel like it hinders more than helps, but I’m always believing and hoping. I do get sad sometimes. Sometimes I fear if maybe the beauty and hope i see inside people doesn’t mean anything if no one really believes. That makes me feel truly alone.
I don’t like to make promises that I can not keep. And one thing I want to be able to promise, is that how I see my partner next to me, his highest potential as a flawed, fallible human being like the rest of us, is more or less where he is. With this person, I will be able to promise that I will always be able to look at him the way I do, because as with how I see most people, it really doesn’t
matter that he’s human, capable of human folly, weakness, insecurities, vulnerabilities, emotions. This means he’s normal. It’s because despite that, he is doing his best to integrate himself and make the most of himself, to challenge life and the potentially crippling fear it generates and still find beauty, to still find the capacity to fearlessly love and to love completely and fiercely…who stands up and forgives, both others and himself, and who does not let the strength of his vision die. What matters is he is who he is because he also believes, and because he believes, he can see me and appreciate me. This is the only person I can make this promise to, because I know I will be able to. This person is the question to which I am the answer, and with whom, I am the question to which he is the answer. This is the person who will understand when I tell him everything and he tells me everything and together, we unravel the mysteries by uncovering the light.
I’ve always been someone who aims at what others find ridiculous or impossible but sometimes, I come back with it. I’ve been told this inspires others. The one thing that has always been missing is my other, and it is the only thing I have ever really care about. In low moments, I question myself and the reality of what I seek, but the only truth I can feel to be all-encompassing, is that giving up is not an alternative. I can keep occupied but I can not fully rest in life until I’ve found my equal, and if the idea of my other half is the carrot that some greater power is using to keep me doing what I do, then I really don’t have a choice but to continue because I want it. All I know about the other is that I’ll know him when he asks the right questions.
have you ever had something you were so afraid of losing? i get scared sometimes but then i remember that everything i’ve ever cared about i’ve lost before, and then i just kind of have to accept that that’s the way it is and there are always new things that come along to care about. sometimes i wish that i could keep something…that something could actually be mine.
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About Me:
experimental stream of consciousness writer who may or may not be a liar. sanest person you've ever met but i'll look you in the eyes like a computer eating magnets. what i don't know about you, i'll make up. and you'll still love me because you don't know where i went that moment you swore i disappeared. my moods chase the seasons and i hear it makes an interesting read. i like smelling good.