Echo

last night, amber saw a shooting star from our balcony. she commented that it’s been really unusual because she’s seen 5 shooting stars the last week, when she hasn’t seen any in a long time. i told her maybe the universe was trying to tell her something, to not be afraid to believe in something.

“It’s not a question of better or worse. The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you’re supposed to go up and down when you’re supposed to go down. When you’re supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you’re supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there’s no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness. ‘I am he and/He is me:/Spring nightfall.’ Abandon the self, and there you are.”

-Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles

skipped the gym and basketball today to catch up on sleep.

wanted to go to venice for lunch but realized my car was blocked in by b. rather than run up and get the keys, decided to walk to the bean. got to the bean and realized i didn’t have my wallet. i could have sworn there was a $5 dollar bill somewhere on me, but couldn’t find it so walked back home. decided to get the keys and the wallet. drove to the bean. ordered. realized there really was a $5 bill in my pocket. don’t know why i did things so inefficiently today.

had dinner at animal. fried pigs ears with chili-lime and a quail egg. that was my favorite. tried a chocolate peanut butter dessert with bacon. b loves it. i was indifferent.

spent the night on the balcony talking to amber and jason. they love the energy of our balcony and i told them it’s one of the best energy spots in the city. it’s got an amazing, peaceful view. we got on the subject of our friend robert again.

they told me about the last time they saw him. they were sharing a hotel room with him. they’d left, and when they came back, he was on the bed with his pants down, in caterpillar position, ass in the air, pointed at the door. passed out. they think he got in that position as a joke, but fell asleep when they didn’t get back sooner. knowing robert and his discipline for a joke, he probably had his ass in the air for hours, waiting.

that’s robert. the spirit of texas. the greatest free spirit i’ve ever known. social butterfly. heartbreakingly kind. he came all the way out to hollywood to be a bartender in gay bars, so the dude was definitely open-minded and up for adventure. but then three months later, he gets married in his parents’ living room without telling anyone, is writing emails quoting his pastor, and has shipped off for war.

what the hell happened to robert? i suggested we collect all of our robert stories. the world has never seen a character like him. we make a time-line so we can map out our memories of what a cool guy he was. we make it a bestseller because it’ll be funny as hell, then we use the success of the book to launch an intervention. his spirit must be saved.

in other news, i think i’ve gotten really good at what i do.

was having a conversation with amber and jason, and she was saying how good the vibe of the balcony was, because she was feeling so open that she was saying things she normally wouldn’t say. i smiled to myself. that’s very good feedback. it was a very warm, friendly conversation with depth and good feeling, and she gave me a big hug at the end of the night.

post-script 8/9 – okay, i’m ready to admit there was a moment i almost cried last night, hearing about robert.

finished. 4 part cruise story:

pt 1
pt 2
pt 3
pt 4

i am shorting out a lot of electronics. it’s driving me crazy. i’m having to write from both explorer and firefox because one or the other keeps freezing. cellphone has crashed twice, iPod won’t turn off and freezes, the router keeps disconnecting. this is life, right?

my friend aubrey told me once that some people have stronger electromagnetic fields. he wonders if that’s why i tend to have more problems with technology than most. i notice this happens more often when i’m in a place where i’m very creative. those times when the output is coming in a way that’s almost unconscious.

i wonder if that’s what makes it hard to get close to me. i still stand by the theory that the optimal distance to appreciate me is 3 feet. any closer and your electronics go haywire, any further and you don’t get the benefits of my warmth.

one funny thing. at the airport in vancouver, on the way back to cali, edison suggested that he and i should get married. he was very timid but cheerful about it. i told him i couldn’t marry him and he asked me why not. i told him it was because we’re cousins, but when he gets older, he’s going to have a lot of girls around him. so i want him to bring those girls to meet me, and i’ll make sure they’re good enough for him. he said, okay.

i like being able to talk to 5 year olds like adults. they’re so much easier to talk to than adults who act like 5 year olds.

it is written. but i’m going to give it a day while i go lay on the floor for a while and stare at the light bulb.

for a writer who hates writing endings, this is a hard one.

but she needs to learn, i hear the voice say.

she needs to learn…

spilling the cup

i had actually written a post this week about something I had written a while back, but had saved it as a draft. but i got an email today that reminded me to post it again.

so last year was a pivotal year for me because i got out of the longest and most successful job i’d ever held. it was probably the most rewarding job in terms of giving me confidence and showing me that i can be successful in a business world, make a lot of money and be financially independent, but it was also like being in a bad marriage with a husband who lies all the time, takes you for granted and never respects you. the universe made it very hard for me, because suddenly, i was being offered more money than i ever thought i would make in my life, yet to take it, would tell my boss and the world that i can be compromised. that with enough money, i will sell my self-respect. so i walked away and never looked back.

it was probably the hardest, scariest decision i’ve had to make as an adult, but in the end, it was the most important decision. i showed myself i was willing to protect myself, stand up for myself and ultimately, trust myself as i walked into the unknown.

a few days ago, i was thinking about this whole journey of personal freedom that started last year, right around when i quit my job, and started rereading what i was writing at the time. i found this post, which i had written and liked so much, that i put it up on the wall next to me at work.

when i quit, i took everything down from the walls of my office, leaving only this, the final echo of an amazing being that they never knew, and would never get to know. here it is:

when in the present, withhold talking and perceive emotionally.

let the emotions experience life without the demands, critiques and dominance of the mind.

let the heart unfold the truth of every moment and interaction.

and if the truth is painful, take that energy back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and if the truth is beautiful, take that fear back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.

and perhaps, with the mastery of this task, you will set yourself free.

*********************************

i am proud to look back and say, i faithfully followed my own advice.

got the news today…candice is pregnant! due jan. 20th. very exciting. am going to try to head back up to san francisco next month to see them. would like to make a stop in seattle as well if i’m going to be traveling.

the salmon i caught in alaska arrived today. damn, that’s a lot of salmon.

had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the beach with b, jason and amber, then took a walk on the sand. the weather today is incredible, the entire world feels bigger. saw a little boy with no pants on playing in the sand. how did he lose his pants? his parents are bad supervisors.

b, jason and amber are heading to the lyle lovett concert tonight. i was thinking about going down to venice for first friday (the first friday of every month, the art galleries on abbott kinney, this really cool street off of venice beach, opens their doors late night and it’s like this giant street party). this would be almost the one month anniversary of that crazy night with the hipster and the missed connections guy, that unusual week that happened during the last full moon. i almost feel like everything that happened on the cruise was the culmination of what that week had been pointing me towards, giving me clues so i would recognize what i needed to recognize when i found it. so in a way, it doesn’t surprise me that i see such a correlation between last month’s full moon events and inspiration, and this month’s floodgates opening.

when i reread what i was writing over that period of time, i feel like a deep, psychic part of me knew what was coming up, but needed to prepare my mind, psyche, spirit for it. maybe put myself in the right philosophical mindset, because all these ideas and convictions i was expounding about then, i’m being forced to stand by, and if i hadn’t written them down with such conviction, this week’s test would not have been so difficult yet so important. i needed to prove that my integrity and honor are not easy words, but true core facets of who i am.

b has bought push-up handles and had been texting about a push-up contest while i was away. he just made me do push-ups. so folks, if you want to join the contest, i’ve set the bar. the number to beat is:

2

:D

spirits are high. heart is mending. trying to stay focused on just getting where i’m going, and setting the right direction to put future julia in the best position possible for happiness.

i disown what i said about how i think i will never be happy. i think i just never believed i can have both inspiration and happiness in my life, that i would have to choose. fuck compromising. a person should only compromise when they’re faced with a situation requiring compromise. but to set out on a journey with a compromised goal is unforgivable. i’m going to go for the gold. ultimate fulfillment. and if i fall short, that’s okay, i’ll always know i tried and didn’t sell myself short. but if i don’t fall short, then you know what, i got exactly what it was i hoped for and deserved.

if i want to be with someone who can be happy being with me because he’s confident enough in accepting me as his first choice, then i have to be the same kind of person who feels i deserve my first choice as well. i can not settle for second choices, while expecting others to see me as a first. i need to be okay with feeling i deserve exactly what i want most, because i am the only one who tells the world what it is i deserve.

contradictions…give me everything i want…

-phoenix, run run run

amber and jason arrived tonight from portland. i haven’t seen amber in years. my favorite memory with her is the time she and terri came for halloween, and they built an obstacle course in our hallway and were sliding through them with helmets on. that, and watching drag queens (including one dressed like cruella deville from 101 dalmations) race down the street in high heels in a west hollywood tradition.

we talked about our friend who was the greatest free spirit i’d ever met, who suddenly turned around, got married to his ex-girlfriend he had just months before called a “cunt face,” joined the marines and went off to war. sometimes i wonder if he basically committed suicide of the spirit.

some say the soul departs long before the body hits the ground.

i believe it.

i told them i’d been on a writing spree.
told them about the 6 lbs. that came mysteriously and disappeared
asked them how much newborn babies weigh
asked them if they thought i’d had a baby but just didn’t realize it.

we drank scotch. so we could feel like men.

then we got in our pajamas and went to bed.

god, the moon is beautiful tonight.

i am starting to realize how serious of a person i am. i’m a very light, happy person, but these facets are not contradictory. a person can be a serious person and still have a light personality. no wonder i didn’t want to be anywhere except the dark comedy niche. i love making people laugh. but i want to make people think. i just don’t make anything for pure entertainment’s sake. i want to always leave people with something to think about, a question to take away that works away at the corners of their mind. or just a belief. in something new. in something different. doesn’t matter. just a belief.

i believe this contributes to why my friends call me private, caring and shy, and people in the world who meet me do not.

i think it’s good though. my seriousness makes me think a lot, consider ideas, their evolution and potential benefits and consequences, so that i can navigate this world and take care of myself and the ones i love. but my detached, light approach to dealing with life and its changes allows me to touch another level of living, where there is hope, innocence, magic and possibilities. i think it’s kind of like one side of me is very well aware of the present as things are now. the other, is very well aware of what’s possible, the highest potential of any given reality. and i’m really good at seeing things as they are and as they could be, and because i’ve imagined it as a linear map, i usually have a good idea of where a person or situation is on this map; i don’t often confuse the two by expecting more than is possible. this also gives me a good sense of direction.

so much is about learning to accept and not resist, even if you feel a drive to. if you can trust yourself to stand your own ground, you will be able to discern where your journey takes you and roll with what you meet. i always find that things should naturally come, if they are meant to come. everything else– just details in the spaces in between.

i think the problem is, heaven and hell in one drop tastes so good that it becomes a high. something difficult to attain but highly rewarding. the ends of the universe. two polarities occupying the exact same spot.

but if you asked me what is the one dimension of life i would take with me if i was stranded on a deserted island and had to make my days, i would say– simple, stable and self-contained with infinite room for small pleasures.

work is done! now we play!

i know these guys. i love how gay they’re playing.

first of all (yes, here i go with my love of listing)

i hate having to capitalize letters. it’s like making me put pants on after a summer of running around in shorts and skirts.

second of all

this freakin’ cruise story’s like the longest story i’ve concentrated on in my life, i think. this is completely unprecedented. well, maybe except in the 4th grade, when i wrote this like 25 page poem about this bus driver i hated. oooooh, so passive-aggressive, that one there sitting in the back of the bus writing……….

lastly,

today, was ridiculously beautiful in la. i mean, sunshine coming out of my pores, beautiful. i walked into the gym and everyone turned and stared. these are some big black guys. who are college and professional athletes. with their shirts off. and i don’t think they can collectively believe that i’m a woman walking in here, and i’m just so happy being myself that i haven’t noticed them, outside of their being an interesting part of the background in this current “scene” of my life.

these guys wanted to play 3’s again. they had a new guy and they were telling them how i killed them a few weeks ago. the guy was like, really?, like he was open to it, so i scored the first two baskets (though I was 2-5 so i did miss some shots), but to be honest, the game has become much easier for me. things don’t move as quickly anymore, so it’s like, instead of having to work harder to speed up, i get myself to perceive the game as being slowed down.

that has always been a theory of mine, that great athletes actually perceive time as being slower, which is why we perceive them as being faster.

i also suspect, it’s my perception of time that makes it so sometimes people say i disappear and reappear so suddenly, and why sometimes i can be in a room with someone and they don’t notice me. it’s all about perception. between another person and yours.

drills were hard at first, but then when i asked for a challenging shooting drill, my coach didn’t think i could make it through it. so then i really wanted to, and ended up doing really well. the funny thing was, the whole time i was wondering what i was going to write today, so i wasn’t really paying attention. maybe that helped. the last shot was so smooth i already had my arms up in victory before it went in.

my coach came up and said i was done for the day. and that some men get paid a lot of money professionally, and they can’t finish the drill.

i know for a fact, i am the coolest girl he’s ever met.

went to urth cafe. got the usual. good god that coffee is an addiction. this is usually where i go in after training to read and write, but i had work to do on the computer at home. i hate putting coffee in a paper cup. if beer in a bottle is like beer in a coffin, then coffee in a paper cup is like coffee thrown into a sack like a stray cat and thrown into a river.

coffee should be slowly enjoyed on a cool, clear day with amazing company.

not this bullshit.

but at least urth does serve in ceramic cups if you stay, so that’s why they’ve got my loyalty.

i was very friendly. all of my toes cramped up at the same time. that was very unusual. i had to stretch in line.

took the best open car drive home. singing. dancing. i got nuthin’ to worry about. got home. procrastinated. blogging about everything that was not supposed to be what i was blogging about. then finally finished the thing i’d been working on. at least, just the part i’ve been working on.

watched the sunset. for a brief few minutes, the sky goes lavender and i have to say that’s my current favorite shade of color. oh, i love anything lavender. i still have dreams about that honey lavender ice cream in seattle.

i’m thinking about seattle again. the future location of the julia writing cave. where i go when i’ve disappeared. but first, i have to establish something there. i have to find a way to monetize the location and plan to secondarily establish. i feel like i can do step one, the rest will fall into place. i guess the first step is often a leap of faith.

a new thought today…

how to globalize my reality.

i have been fixed for a very long time, though i would travel, but only for short blips. then last year, i went to amsterdam and now i had a separate reality. but it was polarized between old and current, not an extension of my home.

if i could find a place in my life where it’s easy for me to get around most of the globe, have a reason and means to do this travel and extend my life into various locations, i would have ultimate freedom. i would have a purpose on a larger scale, establish wider branching roots covering various locations, communities and people, and ultimately, open my search and ability to be with the one i want to be with.

i’ve realized i’ve got to think bigger, to not underestimate my ability of projection and attraction, to think of a new way to grow my life path and awareness.

the first though, is to always know what you want. maybe not the exact thing, but a general idea and direction that you faithfully believe in. then you always have one thing that you have absolute conviction is real, something that always gives you direction when you are amidst the challenges of your journey.

good god. finally finished and added missing pieces to part III of the cruise report. still more to come.

had basketball training. glad i was hungry yesterday, finally, so had more strength today. my coach wanted to know why i had texted him about not wanting a heavy workout, and i told him because i hadn’t gotten very much sleep or really eaten because i’m in writing mode. it’s a fever. i remembered that he’s a virgo, so i told him that i fell flat on my face for a virgo. he said, of course you did, we’re the best. he said that i’m a beautiful girl, stuck on a boat, no ring on my finger, all the guys were probably trying to hit it and knew that they could get in with persistence. i told him, i think it takes a little more than persistence to get me.

he said, that’s all it takes to get a girl. guys know how to work a girl. girls always say they want more, but we don’t care what’s in your mind. we just want to get in, and get what we want, and deep down, that’s what girls want as well. he said that if we didn’t have a professional relationship, he could get me through my mind, because he knows exactly how to work me.

i must have raised my eyebrow and given him quite the skeptical look, because he says, don’t you raise your eyebrow at me! i could totally get you. what you see here, is just a taste.

he was kind of crowding me, putting his body about six inches away from me, his big frame towering. it felt like a game, to see if he could get me to break down, like the proximity of his male heat was going to intimidate me. i didn’t want to be rude and laugh. i realized this wasn’t about anything except his wanting to feel good enough for me, that he really could get me, bed me, win me.

i thought about it.

it takes more, i said. i’m not an ordinary person. it takes much more to get me. and the surprising thing is, it takes soooo much more to trip up the defenses of my heart and make me fall, it turned out the thing that did it was just the very simplest thing.

what’s that, he asked.

just a truly nice, intelligent, decent human being who made me feel understood.

he shook his head. i could see my words going right over him.

just get over there and shoot free throws, he said, and bounced me the ball.