I just got back from the Lakers/Warriors game and watched the Warriors blow a big lead. I’m in love with Brian Cardinal. We used to exchange smiles a lot when I would go up to Oakland to watch the games with my dad (we sit right behind the bench). I hope they keep him next year, because I’m planning on making a sign that says, “Brian Cardinal…Will You Be My Baby’s Mama?”

What? You think that’s weird?

(i’m just kidding)

Today was a strange day. I found out a piece of information that was a bit unsettling. Let’s just say, I don’t understand why men lie. My friend, whom I will call Urethra Doy to protect her identity, suggested that I not expound on the situation just yet, in case my blog ever turns up in a google search of my name. I don’t want my plans to creatively handle this situation to be foiled. But all you out there, tell me…WHY WOULD A GUY LIE ABOUT SOME BASIC FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF?

Any theories would be highly appreciated.

SEATTLE VIA SPONTANEITY

So on Friday, I left for lunch at work to take my brother to the airport and decided to hop on a plane to Seattle myself. I like traveling alone and there’s such a sense of adventure to it. Plus, I’ve always had a feeling that Seattle is a city that I would really enjoy.

Here’s a summary of my trip:

Day 1:

Arrived at 8pm. Showered, got dressed and asked the taxi driver to take me to wherever is cool on a Friday night. He drops me off in this area where there are a bunch of bars/clubs all within blocks of each other. Apparently, if you buy a $12 cover, it gets you into 12 clubs. So I go to one of them but it’s still early so I spend some time chatting with the bouncer about the city, telling him that I’m thinking about moving here. He tells me that the best thing about seattle is how nice and diverse the people are. I need to eat so he directs me to a pub around the corner that is supposed to have awesome food. I go to that pub (McCoy’s) and it’s a quaint little place that commemorates firemen. The only space in the bar is at the counter so I sit next to an old man who stares at me. Finally, he declares that he wants to buy me a drink and won’t take no for an answer. So I’m ordering my food and he’s talking to me about what he does, etc. He’s really nice and a little bit crazy, like someone’s eccentric uncle, even going to the lengths of taking out his dentures to show them to me. I’m listening to him talk about his life and he’s decided that he shall call me Rosebud and then later, he decides that my name will be Sunshine. And I’m apparently the nicest person he’s ever met. At some point, some guy pressed up against the bar between us to order a drink and the old man tapped him on the shoulder and said, “You need to say excuse me to the Lady.” The guy was confused and I said, “No, it’s not a problem.” But the old man tells the guy he’s got to apologize for invading my personal space or he’ll break his legs. So things are a little tense and the guy moves away and the old man finally gets up and goes home. He wasn’t a bad guy, just lonely, I think.

I go back to the club (Fenix) with the cool bouncer and the band is set up and playing. They’re an 80s Hair Band Cover Band and played Sweet Child O’ Mine, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Panama, Living on a Prayer, Cum On Feel the Noise, etc. They were pretty rockin’. I LOVE Seattle’s music scene and this wasn’t even a measurable taste of it! I saw a really hot guy who had the body of an Abercrombie model and the face of Andrew Keegan (10 Things I Hate About You) walk in and he was by far the hottest guy I’d seen all night. We made eye contact and smiled, and he came over and talked to me. Turns out he (Herbie) and his friend (Ryan) are from Wisconsin and they were really nice and fun. I find out that he’s been published in The Onion and I give him major props–hot guy, writes for The Onion, likes hair bands, and acts like the boy next door and seems suspiciously gay? Damn. He’s the man of my dreams. But I’m not really looking for anything on this trip so I get up to leave.

They leave too because they’re going to hit the other 11 bars. I go downstairs where there’s a DJ spinning. The dancefloor is a trainwreck–way too many middle-aged white people trying to dance to trance. I watch for a while but decide that since I’ve had 3 drinks already which is over my limit, I had better check out the other bars before going home to crash. I leave and run into some drunk girls celebrating a birthday; they were looking for the Fenix and so I took them back there, since it was the only place in seattle whose location I knew. I hung out with them for a bit. Some dork tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. He mentioned that he was just at a place called Larry’s across the street that was a hip hop club now. I think, “Bruthas!” so I excuse myself to get another drink but instead, I leave to check out Larry’s.

Yeah, as I had hoped, the place was filled with bruthas. Great music, a huge screen playing weird ass videos and the occasional G-Unit video. So of course, I order up a Hypnotique on the rocks, because it seemed to fit the environment. I’m pretty buzzed so I just want to be in a corner and dance by myself, just me and the beats. But people keep coming up and trying to dance with me. One guy wasn’t bad so I let him dance with me, but then when he was gearing up to kiss me, I excused myself to get a drink but just get water at the bar. I came back when he had moved across the room but some other guy came up to dance so I had to excuse myself to get another drink (getting more water). I was feeling pretty tired so I decided I would check out one more place and then call it a night. I went to the club next door and the first person I see is the guy who works at the airport whose job is to hail cabs. He recognizes me and wants me to dance. I’m really worried about my ability to stay on my feet at this point, so I dance with him but as soon as the song is over, I tell him I’ve gotta jet. He insists on walking me, and then tries to pressure me into letting him give me a ride. I keep turning him down but he starts getting more aggressive. Since we’re right next to the Fenix, I tell him that I have to go inside and say goodbye to a friend who’s having a birthday. He wants to wait for me but I tell him no and I go inside. I watch the band for a few songs just to sober up some when in walk the Wisconsin boys. The bar is closing down so they want to know if I want to go with them to an after hours dance club. I agree so we head over there. We dance some but then these two girls from England start macking on them. Being the Leo-Riser that I am, I felt a twinge of jealousy but measured them up and decided I wasn’t threatened;I just watched it play out and didn’t care. The girls kept talking about astrology which I found annoying (surprisingly) but finally, the boys want to go home and asked if I wanted to crash with them and head out to breakfast with them in the morning. I agree and we head back to their room. At the hotel, Ryan says, “You know what we should do? We should all make out.” I decline because I’m not attracted to Ryan on top of that being just weird, and plus, he had already grabbed me and kissed me at the after hours club to celebrate getting in for free. Since Herbie had made so many “jokes” about being gay, I declared that it was safer to sleep in Herbie’s bed so I got into his and we had a great conversation about writing. He tells me he wants to get my number so that we can keep talking and maybe he can hang out when he comes out to LA, or if I want to visit him in Portland (where he’s currently living). Ryan kept yelling over to us, “Herbie, why are you guys not making out yet?” Honestly? I don’t think he’s exactly straight. But I did appreciate watching him change into his pajamas.

Day 2:

I ended up slipping out of the boys’ room early in the morning because I felt weird about waking up having slept in the clothes I wore the night before. Plus, waking up being spooned by the most gorgeous man I’ve ever met is going to completely fuck up my standards when I get back home. I already cry every time I drive through West Hollywood. I walked back to my hotel which was a couple of blocks away and took a short nap. Got up and went to see the Space Needle, which is interesting from the outside, but just feels like a tall building from the inside. I think the optimal way to experience it would be to take a helicopter ride around it. I bet it looks really cool close up from the outside. Then I walked over to Pike’s Market, had some oysters and chowder, watched 1 fish get thrown, and sat on the grass with all the other bohemian types, though I was good and didn’tt ask anyone where I could score some weed. That area reminds me a little bit of 3rd Street or Farmer’s Market because of all the people playing music and all the fresh produce and arts/crafts for sale. And of course, the plethora of yuppies. The one music act I liked was called The Kitchen Syncopators, and they played homemade instruments that seemed like they were right out of O Brother Where Art Thou. Same kind of music, too. Very interesting. I walked around the city picking random streets, just observing the areas, the buildings, the cars and the people. This city has such a good vibe. I could definitely see myself living here. I went back to my hotel to take a nap, then went to dinner at a Japanese fusion restaurant called Dragonfire (?) . I had the 5-spice Salmon which was AMAZING. Best salmon I’ve ever had. Then I went over to the bar/club area and hit Larry’s first. This white guy named Jamie who had an interesting manner and aura about him came over and talked to me and he was surprisingly intelligent and well-read (surprisingly only in that, you don’t find many young guys in bars who can talk about Chaucer). I give him my number and my website address and head out. I drop by Fenix to check out the live band before calling it a night, and I catch their last two songs, Creep by Radiohead and a bangin’ version of Closer by NIN. I fuckin’ LOVE that song. I check out the dance floor before I leave and am dancing by myself, just feeling the beats, when this guy comes over and asks me to dance. I don’t really care either way and I’m not really paying much attention to him because I’m just there to be with the music, not to participate in a ritual that leads to physical consummation. We dance for a while and he wants to buy me a drink. I find out that he’s with the National Guard and shipping out to Baghdad next week. I ask him, “How many times have you used that line?” He says, “Once.” He actually has his papers in his wallet and shows them to me, and I was so curious about them that I read the whole thing under the pulsing lights of the bar. We end up talking for a long time about what it’s like going to war for policies you don’t necessarily believe in, and about how he chose that path, etc. Meeting him was an invaluable experience. He gave me a lot to think about as far as what each person holds important and how separate people’s journeys can be. God bless you, Matt Haber. I hope that life brings you back to your loved ones and your dreams safe and sound.

Day 3
On the taxi ride to the airport, the driver asks me where I’m from. I tell him that I live in LA but I’m originally from San Francisco. He comments that San Francisco is really wild, because there are men there who turn into women and women there who turn into men. I tell him that there are people like that everywhere. He asks me what I am. I kind of laugh and tell him that I was born a woman and will probably die a woman. Probably. Though in hindsight, I wonder what he would have said if I had told him that I was a man. He asks me if I’m looking to get married and how hard I’m looking, and about how in Seattle, men think about futures when they see women. He gives me a rather interesting lecture about how men in Seattle don’t cheat and are not looking for just sex, but if you seem wild, these men won’t go near you. Except the people who use drugs. They cheat. At the end of the cab ride, he wishes me luck in the pursuit of a husband. I give him an extra large tip for his unabashed candor. The next few hours are hell, as I take a flight from Seattle to Boise to Salt Lake City to LA.

But this was overall, one of the best solo journeys I’ve ever taken.

Next destination? Probably Portland… :)

Back from Hiatus!

Hope you guys haven’t given up on me…

So last week my infamous little brother was in town staying with me. Here are the highlights:

–we were getting ice cream with my friend Lauren when I caught him giving himself the manly scratch. He saw me looking and got embarassed and went, “Oops, I’m not supposed to do that.” Then he turns to Lauren and says, “Hey Lauren…” I cut him off because I figure he’s about to say something really inappropriate like, “Hey Lauren, my mom tells me that it’s rude to scratch myself in public.” So I say, “Michael, NO.” He gets defensive and says, “Julia, I’m not going to. Hey Lauren…” I say, even more firmly, “Michael, NO.” He says, “JULIA. Hey Lauren…” I say, “Michael, DON’T SAY ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE.” He yells, “I’M NOT GOING TO!” I shut up because I don’t want for there to be a scene. Michael turns to Lauren and says very seriously, “Lauren, my mother has a drinking problem.”

He meant that she dribbles when she drinks soda. But I love that he promised he wouldn’t say anything inappropriate then tells everyone in the room that my mother has a drinking problem.

–Anna, my bitchy downstairs neighbor, calls to complain because whenever Michael stays with me, he’s so heavy that apparently, her chandelier shakes when he walks. So she always has to call and complain. My brother overheard me telling Brian that she’s an asshole and that next time I’m giving Brian the phone because he’s meaner than me. So my brother tells me that night, all chivalrously, “Next time Anna calls and I pick up, I’m going to tell her that she’s an asshole.” I patiently explain to him that these are things we say to people behind their backs and not to their faces, and that it would be best to say, I appreciate your concern (sarcastically) and hang up. So he says, “The next time she calls, I’m going to say, ‘Thank you for calling, I appreciate your concern, but you’re an asshole.” I suppress giggling at his innocence and tell him again, “You can’t call her an asshole.” He asks, “Can I tell her she’s annoying?” I say, “I’m sure many have.”

–on the shuttle to the airport for his return trip, my brother puts his arm around me and tenderly kisses me on the cheek. Then he says, loudly enough for everyone in the bus to hear, “I love you, Julia. I think last night was our best night together.” How awkward.

I’m in Seattle! Took a spontaneous trip. More details to come…

and I’ve discovered that I really like to touch myself. I don’t mean touching myself like sexual, masturbating every moment I can get type of touching. I mean, I’m always feeling the skin on my stomach, stroking my arms, smoothing my eyebrow, etc. Even when people are talking to me. Because I like the way things feel. And it’s comforting. I love the way my warm skin and the subtle contours of my landscape feel against the tips of my fingers. Because when I do this, I love that I’m me and that I’m in my body, and this body is beautiful and captivating to me, and I could spend lifetimes exploring it. In those moments, I have such a deep feeling of contentment that this state of being is the only thing that matters. I realize I just want to be with someone because, I want someone who gives me his permission to touch him and to appreciate him, to understand his body and to be soothed by the feeling of his warm skin and his subtle countours against the tips of my fingers. Someone I can envelope in this state of contentment and appreciate the way I appreciate myself when I’m alone. What I want most is someone to love, who will let me safely love him. I’m not looking for someone who will love me adoringly in a way in which he will never truly get to know me well enough or understand me enough to honestly appreciate me. Because it takes away from having to earn it, the place where you understand and appreciate that you are beautiful and worth exploring and where, in essence, you learn how to truly love other people.

Brian and I went to Wahoo’s for dinner tonight and as we were served our onion rings, a fight broke out. So these two guys are headlocked and rolling over tables, smashing into seated customers and slamming into the glass window, so hard that we seriously thought one of the guys was going to get thrown through it. And then a chair goes flying through the room, crashing into this thrashing mound of bodies. Behind us, people sourrounded the area; some gasped in disbelief but were riveted; others were fixed in stances of stern disapproval. One guy at the table closest to the brawl got up and said, quickly, “Uh…let’s leave.” He and his dining partner grabbed their coats and awkwardly exited. Other people blatantly ran out of the store, frightened. Meanwhile, Brian and I sat there, watching curiously just feet from the action, like, “Are they fighting? Oh yeah…those guys are fighting. Hey onion rings.” Like it was dinner fucking theater.

What is wrong with us? Just sitting there like amused audience members. And meanwhile, all I can think about is, I wonder how each and every individual person in the room is experiencing this collective moment, and how awesome it would be to experience each of these different perspectives.

I wish I could live a million lives at the same time, see the same things and the same life from a million different eyes, and then be able to remember all that I have seen and have felt, all of this, before I die.

I need a kindred spirit/partner in crime who will do things like this with me:

www.blackpeopleloveus.com

I’m sure y’all will find this as helpful (hilarious) as I did.

Sex Tips For Virgins (by an Anonymous poster on Craig’s List):

To answer this “virgin’s” questions…

Q) Is it necessary to use a condom with someone you know is clean?
A) Yes. Sexually transmitted diseases are only one concern when engaging in sexual activities. There’s also this little thing called pregnancy.

Q) Is sex without a condom the same as sex with one?
A) No. Sex with a condom involves a thin latex membrane. I’m not sure if it feels much different for the woman, but it does dull some of the sensory pleasure for the man.

Q) Is it okay to swallow?
A) The condom? No, that is not advisable. Like bubble gum, it will stay in your intestines for 14 years. As for semen, yes, it is safe to swallow, though the taste may be unpleasant to some — and can vary depending upon what the shooter has eaten recently.

Q) Is it okay to have anal sex without a condom?
A) Well, the good news is that you won’t have to worry about pregnancy. However, anal sex without a condom does put both partners at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. If you do use a condom, make sure that you use a non-petroleum based lubricant like KY Jelly. Otherwise, the condom may break. On the bright side, having to fish a torn condom out of your butt will surely bring you closer together as a couple.

Q) How can I make it safe to meet men online?
A) For starters, don’t advertise the fact that you are a virgin and somewhat naive when it comes to sex. This tends to attract the predatory types. They are rarely safe. When it comes to losing your virginity, you might be better served by sleeping with a good friend than someone you meet online, particularly here at Craigslist.

Of course, if you want me to come over and pump your ass bareback before blowing my load in the back of your throat, then that’s a different story.

I was laying on the concrete steps in the middle of the outdoor mall today, feeling the light breeze against my skin and thought, I really don’t care if the nearby shoppers think it’s inappropriate that I’m laying down in the middle of the mall. Because I was really comfortable.

And then I realized how good my life is…I like who I am, I’m healthy and attractive, I have amazing friends and family, I live comfortably, I have money for the things I need, I have money for the things I want, I have the ability to earn and save for the things I dream of. And most of all, I trust myself that I’ll be strong enough to handle whatever life challenges that may come my way.

So as I was laying there, I was feeling the PRESENT, and really savoring the moment. And you know what? It was good. We so often take The Moment for granted, but when you consciously pause to give it attention and appreciate it, it’s amazing. And to think that our lives are made up of billions of these beautiful, pure, VIBRANT moments!

So I say, eat when you’re hungry, rest when you’re tired, fuck when you’re horny and most of all, do the things you want to do when you want to do them and never feel guilty about it. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, why should you let things or people on the outside dictate your enjoyment during your short time on earth?

Yes. My rampage last night consisted of eating two slices of pepperoni and mushroom pizza and going to bed at 11:30. I hope all you conservatives out there don’t judge my wildness.

I was disappointed last night. I was trying to wrangle something but then he cancelled at the last moment. I understand the situation, but I’m still bummed.

Funny story…

My masseuse yesterday told me that there was a district attorney who was getting massaged in the next room the other day. The walls of this place are really thin so she was listening to their conversation. He was telling his masseuse that they had just gotten a search warrant and busted this guy for beating his girlfriend. They went in and found:

2 Live Grenades
1 Rocket Launcher
Multiple M-16s
Women’s Clothing
A Blow-Up Sheep

hehe…apparently, his girlfriend was pissed that he beat her so she reported that he was an ex-felon turned Soldier of Fortune (who happens to crossdress) and they busted him for having weapons. As for the sheep? Well, that’s just icing on the cake, isn’t it? :)

Awesome day today. Went to the gym, got a massage, went to the beach and watched people play volleyball. Made me wish my friends were more outdoorsy. Got a pedicure/manicure (I’m on this new regiment of pampering myself) and got my car washed since it’s state has been raised to Level Orange (It looks like it’s moving on circular hunks of soot). This black guy in corn rows and a Michael Finley jersey starts hitting on me and wants my number. He tells me he’s a rapper about to sign on Interscope. So I give him a super hard time, asking him what his intentions are, questioning his sincerity, his Christian faith, his love for his mama,…all that good stuff. Then I tell him that he wouldn’t be able to handle me anyway. He asks me if I smoke weed, so I produce a joint from my wallet (don’t ask) and proceed to smoke him and his boy, Bounce, out. He wants to give me money for it but I ask if I can have some singles so I can tip the car washers and that was that. A full day. And the sun hasn’t even set yet.

I’m sure tonight should be fun because my status tonight is: Rampage.

Update to come.

Final Thoughts on March 26, 2004:
This work week has been really rough…just a lot of work to do. And it doesn’t help that I’m on this kick where I want to just about finish a book every two days (read Da Vinci Code and A Lesson Before Dying in the last three days). So after work, I’m going crazy about wanting to go out tonight, but most people don’t feel like it. I realize that I’m feeling a little bit lonely, which usually prompts me to stay home. So I take a book (of course) to Doughboys and have a leisurely (freezing) dinner in the outdoor patio and read/people watch. I see Ethan Hawke walk by and he’s in a deep conversation on his cellphone. I catch a snippet that sounds like, “–I’m an alcoholic and Uma–” We make steady eye contact when he walks back and enters the bar next door. Later, I see a guy standing outside, having a cigarette, talking to a really loud, obnoxious girl with teased hair. When she runs to her car to get something, I notice that he’s come over to the restaurant side of this plastic divider and is full on staring at me. It’s a bit unnerving. So we’re just staring at each other so finally, I smile and he smiles back. The girl runs back and he’s talking to her with his back to me, but he keeps turning around and looking. They go inside the bar and I finish dinner and want to go because it’s cold, but then this thought procession flashes through my mind:

That guy totally wanted to come talk to me but he’s tied up with the girl. So I’m going to read one more chapter of this book, which will be exactly enough time for him to have one more drink and then come back out again. After which, as I’m packing up, he’ll be leaving the bar and he’ll find a way to talk to me and I can have this in play if I want this.

So I’m sitting there, struggling through another chapter even though I’m freezing, and then I start to feel stupid for my compulsion to always follow these little psychic flashes I get. So I decide to pack up and go. As I’m packing up, I feel like someone is watching me so I look up and I see that guy has come out of the bar. He looks away quickly. He’s with another guy now and that same girl. I’m thinking, that must be his girlfriend (dog!) and they’re waiting for their car. So now it’s really pointless and my experiment is over; I get ready to leave when he walks by with the other guy, staring at me. He says, really stiffly, “Hi” and awkwardly keeps walking. I watch him go, grinning, so he comes back and asks me what my name is. He introduces himself as Matt and asks if Doughboys is any good. We shoot the shit about the food and I ask him if they’re going that way, motioning towards the direction they had been walking in. I tell them that I’ll walk with them because my car is parked down that way. So we’re talking and he’s really friendly, down to earth and attractive, probably 5-6 years older than me. We talk about Dallas, where we’re both from (him more so than I) and what we’re both doing out here. As always, I was vague about my purpose in LA, answering, “A little bit of everything.” At the stoplight, I tell him that I’m going across the street. He says, “Well, it was nice meeting you,” hesitates, then looks panicked. I say, “It was nice meeting you, too,” smile, and then cross the street.

He should have asked for my number. I knew he wanted to. And when I was standing there, I knew I could have offered it, but didn’t. Because sometimes it’s more fun to have a missed connection, you know? Something that you can look back at and wonder, what if?

My psychic antennae tells me that I could run into this guy again if deep down, I really wanted to. Because I’m always running into random people. Way too many strange “coincidences.” And it’s fun. I think it’s so interesting just to see what life surprises you with– the people who come into your life for just a few lines, who sometimes return randomly and occasionally, leave so abruptly.

I realized today. We begin are lives trying to establish ourselves as individuals. Then we learn what it is to be a woman or to be a man. Then we learn what it means to be just a part of the whole, that universe, that group soul that we are only a small piece of. And as I was thinking about it today, I realized that it’s really all a learning process, and that I can make a shitload of mistakes as a person and it’s okay because I’m learning and I’m truly trying to become the best person I can be, and there’s a freedom to that. A freedom to knowing that failing is as equally okay as succeeding and in the end, it all adds up, balances out and equals growth. Life is really amazing if you’re just very very still and let yourself FEEL the Present being created around you. It engages and enraptures all six senses.

Today’s Mood: Truck Loada Love to Give!

Hey, check out Imogene’s awesome post titled, “Year of the Sheep (Ram)” from March 25, another one of her witty, riveting discourses, this time about sex, internet dating and the concept of dating freely.

http://sans-anax.blogspot.com/

(ps–In a few months, I’ll have hopefully built a site on my own domain and managed to figure out how to have real links instead of this copy/paste crap).

It was good to hear from you…I wish it had been under better circumstances. You’re going to be okay. Just focus on cutting through the unfortunate things from your childhood to put yourself and your well-being first.

I need you to know that I support you in this. I want to be there for you as a friend, and to consider me anything outside of that is off-the-scales complicated, and the last thing you need right now. Because at the end of the day, you’re still going to need to do this with your own legs so that you can prove to yourself that you can trust yourself, and that your life is yours and that you are in control of it. I swear to God I’m not trying to fuck with you. I have so much respect for you. I realize that I have to be more careful of what I write on my blog. I’m working out my own feelings about this situation, but I’m starting to realize it’s not healthy or fair for you to see them. I’m going to be more responsible with what I post from now on.

But I also need you to know exactly where I’m coming from. I believe one of the reasons we met was for me to help you with your life challenge, because it’s a pain I easily recognize. As you said before, you would have had to deal with this whether or not I came into your life, because no one should live life so unhappily for someone else’s sake. But I hope someday you’ll look back and see me as a positive influence, as means of support and encouragement, who only wanted to show you how much you’re worth and how much you have unnecessarily and heartbreakingly punished yourself in your life up to this point. I want you to start treating yourself the way you would like someone you care about, such as your sister, to be treated. You would never let someone you love put so much blame and torture on themselves. You would never say the things you say to yourself to a person you love. So stop doing it to yourself. Please.

I want to see you safe and in a better place. But I also need you to trust me when I say, that things will turn out VERY badly for everyone if you involve me in this situation. I wish I could but my involvement would only inflame the situation. You know that. Use your support network–your family, your friends. Your therapist. You have so many people who care about you and want to look out for you. Let yourself ask for help without blaming yourself. You’re not going to get through this by blaming yourself, or letting others put guilt on you. Your time is now…to prove to yourself how much you value yourself, and how far you’re willing to go to take care of yourself. That is your life lesson and when you conquer it, trust me…life will be gravy afterwards because you will know you can handle ANYTHING. Okay? God, I’m praying for you. For you to harness everything you have to treat yourself well.

Deep down, you and I are both aware that I can’t be in the middle of this. But I’ll give you access to all of my resources and you know you have my support and prayers. Know that in your heart. I know it’s so hard, what it takes to leave an abusive relationship. How hard it is not to want to justify everything for the sake of making things agreeable, how easy it is to forget the bad just because you’re afraid to leave and because you honestly love that person. But an abusive relationship breaks you down and it’s not love. Love is never control and threats and emotional manipulation. And you’re worth too much to live like that. I know you’ve been gathering your strength and I know that you can count on yourself. You’re going to make it through this.

Please don’t let her find out about these messages. I’m trusting you, okay?

Call the organizations below. They’ll provide you with a lot of information. Ask your therapist about them if you’d like. They have counselors who will discuss your situation with you, figure out the best way to do things. You need to devise a safety plan ASAP. Please take this seriously. My prayers are with you…you’re a strong, beautiful person who is going to get through this and fly.

4 new posts follow…

I’m trying to piece together what happened on Monday because things aren’t falling in place for me and I have red flags going up.

9:05am – Dawn calls me from your home.
9:12am – You email me to warn me about not emailing you anymore.

(supposedly within those 7 minutes, she called you and demanded the password).

You told me she read the emails at work. If you signed on into your account at 9:12 am, you should have been able to see my last emails to you when you went online to email me. Before she read them at work. Even if you didn’t have time to delete them, you should have been able to read them, or to at least see them. But you told me you never read them.

Something’s not jiving. You need to come correct. And for whatever reason, I don’t think you are and my radar has been going crazy that there’s some honesty lacking somewhere. I don’t do drama for drama’s sake and my trust is dropping by the minute. Nothing pisses me off more than being lied to. So what’s going on?

Resources:

Gay/Lesbian Community Service Center (has largest range of domestic violence services)
(323) 860-5806

LACAAW (LA Commission on Assaults Against Women – for all forms of dom. abuse)
(213) 955 – 9090
(310) 392-8381 (santa monica branch)
(213) 626-3393 24 hr. hotline

Sojourn (Where I went. They’re in Santa Monica, close to you)
(310) 264-6644 Office
(310) 264-6644 Shelter

-both #s available 24 hours

Therapists:
Barrie Levy (310) 450-0801
Ellen Ledley (310) 314-7667

What should I do if I am still in the relationship?
from:
http://www.breakthecycle.org/

If you cannot safely leave the relationship right now, or if you’re just not ready to leave, you should still think about ways to keep yourself safe. You might want to think about taking the following precautions:

Keep important phone numbers nearby at all times. Always have a cell phone or have change for a phone call. Important numbers to carry include: the police, domestic violence hotlines or shelters, family and friends.

Bring money when you go out so you are not left stranded or dependent on the person you’re with.

Keep a journal of all incidences of violence.

Explain to as many people as you can trust that if they see anything happen, if you disappear, or they think you may be in danger for any reason, they should call 911. People to tell include: roommates, friends, family, people at work or school.

Develop code words with friends and family to use to signal to them that you are in immediate danger.

Plan escape routes from places like school, home, the abuser’s home and work.

Become familiar with domestic violence, youth or homeless shelters that you can go to in an emergency.

Avoid going into rooms with possible weapons around, like a kitchen, or rooms where there are no exits during an explosive incident.

Try not to be alone in isolated areas in public. Try to get a ride to school, or ask someone to walk or ride the bus with you.

Find a person or place where you can leave emergency money, keys and clothes.

Join a support group for victims of dating and domestic violence.

Make sure the original and copies of important documents (for example, identification, health insurance, immigration papers and other records) are someplace safe and where you can easily find them but the abuser cannot.

Keep all documentation of the abuse in a place where the abuser will not find it.

Know where the local police station and courthouse are located and their hours of operation.

Choose an email account password that the abuser will not be able to guess so that the abuser won’t be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail.

Print and save any threatening or harassing e-mail messages the abuser may send.
If you are accessing information about domestic violence on a computer the abuser has access to, learn how to clear the computer’s history or empty the cache file in the browser’s settings after accessing the Internet. Or, access the Internet at a local library, a friend’s house, or at work.

the last email

I understand that you’re upset. All I ask is that you trust me. You can still email me in times when you need someone to talk to. Bounce things off of me. I just can’t talk about the connection anymore. It’s distracting you. Just know that your soul knows but your mind must forget. I can’t address it anymore. To be honest, it’s not fair to anyone and it’s not helping you out in the right way.

I also want you to know that you have helped me with what keeps me running without knowing it. I don’t know exactly what it is but I’ve been fighting my demons one by one my whole life hoping I finally slay the granddaddy of them all, whoever he is. I went through incredible psychological and emotional pain growing up. Pain that overwhelms me until I have no words with which to speak. Because I am very sensitive to things, and like I told you, the connection to my mother is very strong so I pick up a lot of her currents. After I got your email yesterday, something clicked in me. My dream the other night. I called my mother yesterday morning and asked her, begged her, to just be honest with me. If she only married my father because he had been abandoned his whole life and she felt she shouldn’t (couldn’t) leave out of pity and obligation. Because she was afraid to venture out into the world, and risk not finding someone else. If she already knew she was unhappy and wanted to leave before I was born, yet she had me anyway, hoping I would come into this world and help her with her own loneliness. And then she broke down and cried. My mother is a rock. She NEVER cries. And she said yes. She said she knew it was wrong, and she knows it was the wrong decision and she did my father, my brother and I wrong by not being stronger, but yes. Oh, how hard it was to hear my mother sobbing, begging me to tell her how she could make it up to me because she would do anything. I told her, she doesn’t have to. I’m making it up to the universe now. And I also told her, I wish she hadn’t had me.

I went to bed every night with them screaming in the next room. And now I can’t fall asleep without either someone sleeping next to me, or having noise/music in the background. (So you want to know why I hate sex? Because sex is the price I have to pay just to have someone to sleep next to me so I can rest for a little while.) And the excruciating pain of feeling the suffering in the people you love most, but as a child, your hands are too small to stop all of the bleeding that just keeps coming and coming and never stops. How worthless does that make one feel? I left home three times after I got my driver’s license, when the anger and frustration from the marriage became emotionally or violently directed at me and I finally had a way of escaping. But the last time, they told the school so when I finally came back 3 days later, the school had a police officer pull me into an office and scare me straight about what happens to people who do things like that (“You want to be a bum your whole life and go nowhere? Because that’s where you’re headed.” I’ll never forget that. He just stood there yelling at me, putting me down, an honors student who had never gotten in trouble at school, who barely even TALKED to anyone, who couldn’t look anyone in the eye, and never once asked me if maybe there was trouble at home. I had no one to talk to. No adults who could possibly understand or cared enough to understand the violent storms I came home to. And how could anyone believe me if my ability to find words failed me?) Soon after that they also sent me to a psychiatrist who I will hate for the rest of my life. I would sit across from her, and not know how to speak, and wishing she would open up the conversation for me and help me find words, but instead, she threatened to hospitalize me if I kept pulling shit at home. Oh man, people have not given me much reason to trust them.

God, I never ever want any vulnerable child coming into this world to go through what I did. This loneliness that has always been a part of me, it’s been there for so long, it will probably always be a part of me in some way, no matter how much work I do. Because it’s my past and where I come from. I will do the best with what I got, but the reality is that it is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.

When my mom tried to leave my dad 8 years ago, I wanted her to, but he told me that he would kill himself if she did. And there we all were, trapped. God, they are not bad people I swear. But the marriage, such a bad marriage, brought out the ugliest things. But emotions, abandonment, it’s a tricky thing. The right thing often feels like the impossible thing, the dangerous thing, the cruel thing. We were all trapped.

Why I recognized your sadness? Because it is the same as the one coloring my world.

One day, I will write you a poem about my house. How the silence had teeth and echoed all around. And the darkness that churned inside of me because of the unhappiness of my most loved ones. I created my own cage inside myself, to mimic the cage of the trapped people around me, because you will suffer their wrath if they know you are actually free. And I’m still looking for the key to that cage.

I understand your unhappiness. I’ve felt it before. In the woman whom I would lay down my life for, who needs me to help her fend off the demons of her own decisions, but who thinks I do it out of obligation rather than a deep, unquestioning love. And now you…also in such pain…it agonizes me. And for your unborn child…pain beyond words. How much I want to protect it, protect you. But my hands are still too small. You ask me what torments me and this is it.

I know you have so much going on and you have some hard decisions to make and I wish to God that you didn’t. But you aren’t going to face them for anyone but for yourself, because your life is your own and exactly what YOU make of it. I don’t want to complicate your life because I don’t want you to feel like I’m giving you any kind of pressure in any way, for any reason. And I don’t want you to use me as a source of pressure to motivate you. No, I don’t like to feel your sadness. But ultimately, there are things in my life that are for me to tackle for no one else but for me, and vice versa.

I don’t want to become entangled in that and confuse the situation. I want you to do the things you want to do, the way you want to do them, at the times that feel right and I feel that if I’m too close to you, it will feel more like pressure than support. So that’s why I’m trying to take a few steps back. Please…I’m trying to do what’s right for you. And this is the only way for things to turn out okay.

very honest notes from the future…

It’s funny how I have so much knowledge sometimes and laughingly little at others. I have huge blindspots. My heart is too big. Maybe when someone tells me there’s a “history” there, they’re telling me I’m off base. Maybe it’s not so one-sided. Maybe people have been unfaithful before so people are hyper-sensitive. Maybe both people know exactly which buttons to press, so neither is really that innocent. Two people driven by the intense magnetism between the love/hate poles, each with a long list of grievances against the other, pulled out at a moment’s notice. And each driving the other crazy. Maybe without really realizing they want to, but nevertheless, driven by unconscious forces to do so, as that is the nature of being in close contact in this type of relationship. And to leave seems too overwhelming. . Whatever the case, it’s none of my business and I don’t want it to be any of my business. I’m supportive of what you’re going through. I don’t need an explanation right now, but I will probably want something along those lines later for my own understanding and ability to trust. As for me, analyzing and looking ahead is incredibly mentally and psychically draining for me. Too much intensity when the solution isn’t ready to be had, so I have to disconnect for a bit to recharge and gain distance so I’m not one of the players. Because this storm has been raging for a while before I got here, and it’ll continue raging for a while longer.

I realized a few really random things today. It’s not your father, but the complex relationship with your mother from which much stems.

I also noticed that you try to hide the fact that you’re a lot smarter and aware of things than you actually want people to know. You’re more powerful at controlling situations than you want people to realize. And you probably hide it from yourself as well. When I told you that you’re someone who can get whatever she wants, I wasn’t quite sure of what I meant until now. Is that you’re secret? That you can willfully create your world? Do you get scared sometimes when you realize the magnitude of your responsibility for the things that happen around you? Or when you have no idea why you wanted certain things brought into your world? Because these are things I can understand. Ohhhh, fellow reality projector…use your powers for good, okay? Play nice.

Ah…we live in a strange, strange, universe. If true help is needed, and when the spiritual path is cleared for a true, honest friendship, I’m sure you’ll find me again.

“See you in brighter days………….”

So as part of my community service for that nasty little public indecency incident, I’m going to rant on one of my favorite subjects, relationship abuse. Chris Rock says, “I won’t hit a bitch. But I’ll sure shake the shit outta one.” But…that joke is really inappropriate here. I used to volunteer for a group that provided legal services for abuse survivors. Learned a lot about life and people, and I have to say, it was one of the most integral experiences of my life. I tried to post this earlier. Here it is, for a limited time only. This is the last time I post these kinds of messages.

***

This is for everyone out there who knows it’s not right, but doesn’t have a voice. This list is somewhat specific, but if you (no matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight) recognize any of the traits, even if only ONE applies, you need to talk to someone, get help.

From: http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com/

Domestic abuse occurs in approximately 30 to 40% of GLBT relationships, which is the same percentage of violence that occurs in straight relationships. It is a myth that same-sex couples don’t batter each other, or if they do; they are just “fighting” or it is “mutual abuse”.

Domestic abuse is always about power and control. One partner intentionally gains more and more power over his/ her partner. Tactics can include physical, emotional or verbal abuse, isolation, threats, intimidation, minimizing, denying, blaming, coercion, financial abuse, or using children or pets to control your behavior.

Domestic violence runs in a cycle. Typically, things are wonderful at the beginning of the relationship. Gradually, tension starts to build. Finally, an act of violence occurs. This may be verbal or physical. The victim is shocked. The relationship then moves into the “honeymoon” phase. The abuser is remorseful and attentive, and the victim wants to believe the abuse was an isolated incident. Again, the tension gradually builds until another violent act occurs. The longer the cycle goes on, the closer together the acts of violence happen.

“Red Flags” Of A Battering Personality:

If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming “you’re the only person I could ever talk to” and “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone”. Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need”. You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you’re “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS:Abusive people will tell you, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a “real” lesbian or gay man. If you aren’t out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the “female” role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else w
ould want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser’s sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”. Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say “everyone talks like that”, or “it didn’t mean anything”.

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten their partner.

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, “You’re going to listen to me!”.(adapted)

What To Do If You Are A Victim of Domestic Violence:
It can be extremely difficult for victims to admit that domestic violence is an issue in their relationship. Even once they have admitted to themselves that there is a problem, they are often at a loss at where to turn to for help. They may be fearful of receiving a homophobic response from those they seek assistance from.

In most states, domestic violence shelters at least train their staff to be sensitive to GLBT issues when working with victims of domestic violence. In larger states, there are often domestic violence shelters just for GLBT victims.

Call your local domestic violence shelter and ask what services they offer to GLBT clients. If you aren’t satisfied with what they offer, ask for a referral to a domestic violence shelter in the largest city near you.

Also, you don’t have to out yourself in order to get help if you choose not to. The fact that you are a victim of domestic violence is enough for you to receive assistance. Do what you need to do to feel safe. Domestic violence advocates and counselors know that you have already been through a lot, and won’t pressure you to answer questions you don’t want to answer about the name or gender of your abuser.

Please don’t give up in reaching out for help. Even in small towns it is possible for you to find help from people sensitive to GLBT clients.

Click on the link below to view the National Domestic Violence Hotline page, which includes an 800 number that can be called toll free from anywhere in the United States. Calls are answered in English and Spanish, with interpreters available for an additional 139 languages. They can refer you to the domestic violence services closest to you.

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINEhttp://www.ndvh.org/
NCADVA, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, also has a web site with a listing of state domestic violence coalitions. A phone call to any of these coalitions will refer you to domestic violence shelters and services in your area. Click on the link below for the list of state coalitions.

NCADVA page/ List of state by state coalitionshttp://www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm

Empower Yourself:
We believe that the more you educate yourself about domestic violence issues, the better able you are to make informed choices about your situation. Please make use of the resources available here to educate yourself, empowering yourself in the process.

Create a safety plan, know what you are going to do the next time your partner becomes physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. Put personal items such as your birth certificate, credit cards and medications all in one place so that you can quicky leave if you need to.
Remember, you are not alone. Others have gone through the pain of being in an abusive relationship, and are willing to reach out to help you.