My mom doesn’t really like me very much right now. I picked a strange time to assert myself and more or less kicked her and my brother out of my place yesterday. She thinks it’s just because I wanted to spend time with the guy I’m dating, but it’s all about principle to me. It probably wasn’t right, but I just got tired of how she always places my brother first and how my personality now is shaped in a way that always puts other people’s needs and desires before my own. Hell, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even recognize what I want anymore because I figure it’s not important. I’m so repressed in that way. I got so sick of how she can’t see my point of view or even acknowledge it, and how it’s always been that when it’s convenient for her or the family, I should be obedient and “mature/responsible,” but then out in the world she doesn’t understand why I don’t assert myself and says, “Just go do it” in the most disgusted, condescending way. Fuck you!! I can’t just go do it because my self-assertion and self-esteem were beaten out of me. I had no fucking childhood because I was so busy being a third parent for my brother and making sure that I didn’t give my parents anything else to worry about. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. Fuck you for ignoring me and expecting me to be able to grow up on my own. Fuck you for expecting me to become the person that you thought I should become and punishing me for being who I am. Fuck you for seeing me as an extension of yourself. Fuck you for loving my brother more than me when it was about your guilt that’s not even my fault. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I know you hate that word but this is my own fucking space and if I wanna say DAMMIT JESUS CHRIST MOTHERFUCKER in public, I sure as hell am going to say DAMMIT JESUS CHRIST MOTHERFUCKER WITH A CHERRY ON TOP in public.
Fuckin’ A I’m pissed. I could really use a hug today.