I just wanted to tell all y’all fools out there that Jesus is MY homeboy. And not yours. Just wanted to throw that out there.

April 11th, 2003 | Comments Off on

Well, I just signed on and saw that I’m visitor #69 (yeeeeahh!). Of course, all the other 68 visitors were also me, so this is not really anything to be proud of. Okay, I’ve decided that no one in the world reads this so I should be able to write very revealing things without worries, right? But I’m afraid to take that plunge. I just know that the minute I write something about blowjobs, or sixty year-old boyfriends or taping my penis between my thighs as I parade around in white spandex while attending Disney on Ice, my 2nd grade teacher will accidentally stumble onto this site while looking for a low-fat recipe for lemon biscotti and somehow recognize the author as me, a member of her Top 20 Best Students Ever list, and proclaim, “I thought I knew her!” as she clutches her chest and dies of a massive coronary. Or should I say, disappointment? The doctors will never know.

But again, there’s the logical reasoning of…no one cares.

I just got back from a trip to the Grand Canyon. Three Words. Fucking Awe Some.

I realized that my personality type is that of a Loner. Who gets lonely. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? God are you there? It’s me, Julia. And I have a gun.

I also found out that my mother does not appreciate the phrase, “Dammit Jesus Christ Muthafucker.” Not one bit.

I have a lot of emotions but I don’t express them. Is that true? Have I been walking around giving my love out when in reality, no one even realizes it? I wonder if I come off totally unemotional. I know, I shouldn’t care so much how I come off or how people perceive me. But it is a little bit disturbing. That maybe my intentions aren’t being carried out by my self. Sometimes I don’t think people hear me. Sometimes I think that people don’t take me seriously, or don’t realize that I’m being vulnerable and they accidentally say the wrong thing that ends up hurting. Sometimes I think I’m a big pussy. And not in a good sense (but then again, is there really a good sense?). Mike asked me the other day if I feel like I’m on a different level than other people. I don’t know about levels, but sometimes I feel like I’m on a different plane, and that it’s all coming from my subjective perspective, but that I just have trouble relating in the same way other people do. I don’t think I intellectualize my perception of the universe and it’s form as a way to avoid dealing with emotions. But I do think I don’t always share how I feel or the things that make me vulnerable because I don’t trust people to treat me with sensitivity and kindness. I just don’t want to get hurt anymore. There. I said something honest.

April 11th, 2003 | Comments Off on