You know what I just thought of?
I was sitting here and I suddenly remembered this girl I knew growing up who was the cruelest person I’d ever met. And the most amazing thing was that she did it in a way in which people had no idea that she was being cruel to them. There was something very sadistic in her heart that made her enjoy psychologically hurting people. And yet, a lot of people liked her. She was a great people person. But sometimes, in the moments when she didn’t know anyone was watching, I would see something flash across her face and then disappear just as quickly as it came, incredibly distinct despite being brief–a cold sharpness in her eyes, as though the doors to her soul had suddenly flung open, and inside her, you could see that she has no attachments to anything in this world, and that if anything were to get in her way, she would not hesitate to destroy it. I used to be fascinated with her because she scared the fuck out of me.
Dude. Gotta call it early tonight. Lauren’s asleep on the couch. I don’t think I wanna call anyone up to come over. So here I am…
Made myself an interesting little “recording” today. Let’s say, it involved a little suggestive spoken-word rendition of LL Cool J’s “Doin It” (and doin’ it and doin’ it well…………..) But I don’t have anyone I would want to send it too. There’s no one interesting. No one that makes that fire burn inside of me, the kind of person that sets me off to the point that, if that door opened and that connection was exposed, I wouldn’t be able to control myself to the point of having sex with him right there, public place, spectators and everything. Daaaamn. That’s awesome. Maybe that connection (that mind-blowing passion which leads to indescribable sex) can’t be maintained. And that’s why we all get so disappointed after the relationship runs through it’s honeymoon phase and the passion of discovery isn’t there anymore.
God. Seriously. This is why I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to give up the independence, the freedom to explore and discover new people, the rush of new experiences and new connections and the various forms that love comes in. I want to feel like I am free to give myself away and not have to feel beholden to anyone. A Morcheeba song, “Once a label is on something, it becomes an it, like it’s no longer alive.” My greatest fear is of getting pegged, getting cornered, having to be a consistent person who has to fulfill other people’s assumptions of who I am. I want to meet everyone, and be everyone, and play every single one of these ghosts and these visions. Fuck all this shit they dump on my shoulders and ask me to carry. I don’t ever want to get married. I hope that maybe one day I’ll find a partner who can walk by my side and explore this world with me and understand that our bond is made of the deepest, most purest love and respect, but I can’t have a partnership that entails the modern-day pact of physical commitment.
I have never cheated on a single person in my life. I love and respect the people in my life and I would do anything for them. But pragmatically, I need to go where life takes me and I don’t know where this is going to be. So I hope some day I can find someone who understands this and will still share a love that resonates at the deepest level even if in some ways, the relationship will be unconventional.