Echo

Ah, i figured it out. i’m afraid that if he can’t understand me but still insists on staying close, when my insides get anxious and angry because what I’m trying to communicate isn’t being understood, i’ll get frustrated and resent him and lash out at him. so if i were supportive of myself, wouldn’t i say, the need to be understood is very important to me so i shouldn’t compromise in this area, for the benefit of both parties involved? It’s amazing how similar my brother’s and my brain are. Sometimes I think my wiring is the same as his, but I just learned how to fake it better. I understand why autistic kids pound their heads against the wall out of frustration. Not being able to communicate what you desperately want to communicate and not being understood is an intense drowning feeling. They’re lashing out, desperate for a way to be understood. I think being truly understood feels like an affirmation that you truly exist.

after the sun goes down is when i fit in lifetimes of thinking about you
you keep finding new places to hide
while i close my eyes and remember that icicle that was dangling
recklessly from the porch overhang that one morning,
your frosted breath grasping at its stoic impenetrability.
perhaps you weren’t even present then but it’s become my thing these days,
painting you into every picture.

i need to be understood. i need for that person to understand me. because if they can’t help me get my life’s “point” out of me, it’ll just die with me. whatever it is that i’m trying to communicate, i want someone who can also see it and can help me translate what i’m trying to say. it’s lonely in here, yes, because i’ve managed to lock myself in! i’ve been so embarrassed to tell people this but i do need someone who can open that door. there’s something i’m really, really, really passionate about, but i can’t seem to find exactly what it is.

I am trying to be kind, but I just don’t think he understands me.

I’m looking for a mentor. Someone gentle. That’s what I’m looking for right now.

I’m in the dark of my bedroom, with only the flickers of a candle keeping me company. I’m in my expanse of a bed, laying within its sea of dark green sateen sheets with my computer nestled against my body, its battery heating up my skin. Earlier, I had worked out until my entire body was exhausted, with every muscle feeling alive and aware. I came home and took a shower, and suddenly realized something I’ve been taking for granted that I really actually quite enjoy.

I love when I go through my rejuvenating ritual after a night of abusing my body at the gym, exercising my discipline by testing my body’s limits. When I come home and shower, I love how clean I feel and how good my body smells, how my body is so spent of energy that it melts into a state of blissful relaxation. I love how the heat of the hot water is still emanating from my skin when I smooth on softly perfumed lotion and slip between the deliciously cool sheets. I love being alone, safe within my private space which shields me from the night by turning the darkness into a blanket. I can thoroughly enjoy this moment, this invigorating bubble in time.space where I am free to be completely content.

I’m listening to David Seaman’s Back to Mine, the glow of the computer making me feel like I’m in the mystical cave that Plato was trying to describe. It’s this secret place you find by going on an expedition through the endless forest that makes up all that is unkown. And deep in those woods, it’s there, along with many other treasures that you may not even notice. I stumbled upon this place when I was young, and even though I had no idea what exactly it was, it felt good. It’s a place where you can distance yourself from this earthly plane and give yourself enough perspective in order to recognize the different planes. I feel like Einstein had a similar vision of this aspect of reality, which he was trying to explain with the theory of relativity. Space and time are closely tied together because we’ve stored them in our soul memories as a linear equation, but they provide the boundaries of our existence, what keeps it all together, like a giant sack. But if our existence’s real goal is directed towards expansion, then it’ll require deciphering the clues from the past as well as from those far away to move us towards that expansion. Sorry, I think my robot side just took over for a little bit.

Pretentions are so heavy. I think that’s what the people who created the bible were trying to symbolize by the cross Jesus carries. It’s the stuff that’s distracting us from our soul’s purpose, and are causing us to react to things rather than embody our pure spiritual state. It’s the hidden messages that are transcendental in the clues we left ourselves for our future soul incarnations that are the important ones for our growth. Life, seriously. It can be treated like a treasure hunt for clues that point to the universe’s secrets.

I am having trouble staying awake. I’m feeling so stagnant. I want to go explore the world again. Under the cover of night of course. What is it I love so much about thunderstorms and the darkness of night? They just feel so safe to me.

I’ve gotten into the habit of blogging in bed when I’m crazy tired. My inhibitions are completely turned off and what I write is pretty much the raw output of what’s in my head. I was hoping to watch Go tonight. I’ve unplugged my phone. I am having the time of my life here all by myself…I’m just happiest when I’m alone.