Echo

Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.

-Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

doc just called and said i need shoulder surgery. i knew it was coming. just sad because i’m in the best shape of my life and my basketball game has gone to a new level the last couple of weeks. now, i just have to focus on the positive (i’ll be able to throw! god, i’ve missed that feeling), and that this is just another opportunity to prove my resilience and toughness, and to get myself back in even better shape than i ever have before.

i hope the scars are small. i rather like my arms and shoulders as is.

11 hours of sleep last night. peaceful, comforting dreams of being with my family on vacation. us bonding together. us against the others. this is a good sign.

in my dream last night we were at some kind of carnival food court and in some areas, there were vampires but i wasn’t afraid of them. i walk amongst them, i speak their language. my soul is as old as they, but my needs are different. so in this place, i felt safe.

i walked up to a crowded booth, and waited. behind me, this skinny, impatient girl with stringy brown hair kept pushing at my back, pushing her crotch onto me and i hate it when girls do that. why do straight girls sexually harass me? this happens all the time in real life. so she kept pushing me, and i wanted to turn around and shove her to the ground because i knew that i was stronger than her, and more pointedly, i’m more ferocious. you ever see me rip off my mask and show what i am behind? if the world only knew the level of restraint i exercise, because force is not the way, especially when you know you’re stronger, deeper, more energetic than others. so finally, i pushed back, not hard enough to push her down, but enough to hold my ground and not let her move me. and she wasn’t strong enough to overcome me and i could feel her pushing and becoming frustrated. while this was going on, i didn’t have an expression and remained calm, zen, even though i was fuming inside. i think somehow the woman behind the counter noticed, and she leaned in and whispered, “There are a lot of idiots in this world,” and told that girl to get out of line, that she wouldn’t be served.

that was a good feeling. the situation was handled well. i earned the woman’s respect.

in the end, i think that woman behind the counter was another of the old breed. the ones who are both human and something older, wiser, tying the past, present and future together in one space. she recognized me and i recognized her and it was a peaceful feeling.

when i woke up, i felt better than i have in a while. i felt the dream wanted to tell me that i’m not alone. that our time will come.

goddam this is bullshit. laying awake at night, wondering shit. worrying about shit. every time i see a missed call from my parents, i worry. every time the phone rings in the middle of the night, my heart jumps into my throat. i wanna throttle those wrong numbers…they have no idea the hell they put me through. but there’s nothing tangible there, no basis for the fear except that i know, one day, i will lose the ones i love.

is that any excuse to keep people away, because one more person let into my inner circle means one more person who will someday devastate me with loss when they’re gone? one more person who may or may not hurt when i’m gone? why am i so fucking sensitive.

you’ve gotta know though, most days i don’t think about these things. they’re programs that run invisibly in the background, and only hit my consciousness sometimes as faded fragments of uncomfortable dreams. but on nights like these, everything just crowds in and camps.

i could be great, or i could be so much wasted potential. i know what i need to unlock my potential, but these things remain elusive. i know that i’m learning how to be patient, to jump when it’s time to jump, to wait when it’s time to wait. but it’s the fear that gets me, the fear that finds me on the darkest of night and laughs from the corner where i can’t see him.

tonight, i’m thinking about someone from a long time ago. am i still burning a candle for him? every single other day i would laugh. but then nights like these…i can sit alone, hold my head in my hands and wonder, why…why would it even matter to me when i don’t matter to him, and in the grand scheme of things, our lives don’t even meet. we never even dated. we were never even romantic. it’s been over 10 years. but why, at the sight of his picture, does it twist a razor inside my stomach. maybe because it reminds me of a lost, angry pathetic me, one that was so lost in a world without punctuation or reprieve. maybe i’m still angry at myself for a wasted youth so adrift…always running, running, running like a scared little girl.

the last few months i’ve been at the peak of my power. stronger and more magnetic than i’ve ever thought i would achieve. and the price…loneliness. i am powerful because i am alone. left alone to my own devices, i thrive. but give me that distraction, that taste of human companionship, and i crumble. my knees shake. my insides quiver and suddenly…i have so much need. i have so much love i want to give. so much love i want to take. and then suddenly i’m going around in circles until my mind dies of starvation and neglect. but my heart is heavy and full with that push/pull of being fed but being left even hungrier.

i’m lonely. i’m so fucking lonely. i’m so fucking lonely i can barely stand myself. but sometimes, it’s being around people that makes me feel even more isolated. even more misunderstood. even more empty, like a black, expansive sky just waiting to be filled when everything that falls into it just gets consumed before it hits the ground.

what is this, god? what is this that i can’t find another person who speaks my language and can help me translate my own truth to myself? i need help. i’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, and will continue to do so, every assignment, every illumination that others need, even if it relegates me into a reflection or shadow. but i need you to do one thing for me. i’m not a fucking martyr. i never signed up to be a martyr. it’s because the world doesn’t need it. it needs a leader. it needs truth. i’m not here to give to others until they bleed me dry. what good would that do anyone? i want to be a positive force, to help, to nurture and guide, but i have my own needs as well which i refuse to deny. i need to be understood. please, i need to be understood. i need someone i can trust to help me understand myself and the full extent of things, before i can understand the true nature of this world.

i decided to search my blog for the word “space” to find what clues Past Julia left for me.

i found this: http://3amwanderer.blogspot.com/2004/07/paradox-potential-i-was-sitting-and.html

first of all, why do i feel like i was smarter in the past? 2004 was a smart year.

secondly, how the hell did i forget that i had already learned not to ask for a soulmate? then perhaps most of 2008’s debacle could have been avoided. but then i reread my post about that fateful day last year. i quote myself:

“but i also remember the one word that resoundedly landed in my head.

Crap.”

so how was it, i knew that very day this guy was “not my dude,” that this wasn’t where i was supposed to be, but then i forgot? i didn’t trust my first instincts. the same as the fact i dated a guy for 2 1/2 years that i didn’t want to date in the first place. but when i look back in hindsight, i did “need” those experiences. i did grow, and learn, and become a better version of myself than i had been before those experiences, as painful as they were and as hard as they make my eyes roll these days. so what does that mean? trust first instincts and avoid these fated but devastating interactions? or bite the bullet and go through them?

lately i’ve been really good about listening to that voice in my head that says, “not your dude,” or “crap.” people try to convince me. i had one guy alternate between writing me long love letters about how we were meant to be and make each other strong, but i’m just scared, and being angry at me for being so unwilling to “try.” but i know he’s not my dude because i recognize the initial feelings as one that says “this isn’t it.” so i kinda want to wait for the feeling that tells me, “hmmm…maybe” instead of “Crap.” but if i’m disciplined enough not to bite at bait, will i get what i’m ultimately searching for? or do i have to go through the crap and learn before i get it?

my gut tells me i’ve been through the crap. my gut tells me to wait.

but then why do i feel so bad when i can’t let guys who are not my dude get close? maybe that’s it. maybe i have to be okay with not giving to everyone who asks, to prove that the one i finally give to is the one i really want to give to because it’s right, not because on some level, i just felt obligated.

b gave me a sleeping pill last night because i’ve been sleeping so poorly. i was still waking up in the middle of the night, but it didn’t feel so jarring and it was easier to fall back to sleep. i did find that every time i woke up, i would hug my pillow like it was another person. i think on some level, i’m lonely.

today hasn’t been very eventful which in a way, i’m somewhat relieved for even though it’s not over yet. i woke up early to run an errand, but i do have to say i’m a little disappointed in people for not being able to keep a secret.

went and played basketball and got yelled at by my coach because i played half-court 4’s with these older guys and they didn’t have much body control. went 3 for 6 (2 drives/1 mid-range, missed 3 outside shots). I’m playing more in control, can hit the pull-up jump shot, but to be honest, the more people on the floor, i still worry about feet and am careful about getting hurt.

i think the rest helped because i’m not as melancholy. but i’m not feeling completely here.

got to be careful. i’ve got the the new moon eclipsing the sun right around my 12th house venus which means karmic ghosts coming to light. the moon wins, meaning emotions tied to the past will be stirred up. my mood dropped off a cliff this morning after a restless night where i kept waking up in fear as i had no idea where i was nor who i am. i have to reset.

the snake will continue eating its own tail until it consumes itself if it does not regenerate.

you may think you’re moving in circles if you find yourself back in a similar spot, but just remember that if you have moved in a circle, you are not the same person returning to this spot as you were when you previously left. the key is in what is changed or accumulated. it may be a test. it may be an opportunity. it may be a sign post.

more than anything, i really, really need a friend who can help understand my process and the information i’m gathering. i’ve been going to places and seeing and feeling things that i know with the greatest of certainty to be true, but i’m finding it hard to interpret everything alone without a reflection.

i’m losing myself now. it’s probably a very good time to be getting away, though going back to fremont is not the best place.

i just wish people would trust me more, even when they believe there’s room to sway me. i can be indecisive and my open-mindedness can be taken advantage of, but my first instincts are usually truthful and it would probably benefit not just me, but the people around me, if they didn’t work so hard to talk me out of them. almost everything i say is the truth, as accurately and comprehensively as i can pinpoint at a present time. just how much i show depends on how much a given audience is willing to take in, or capable of taking in. i don’t want to mince words anymore. i wish i could just say things exactly as they appear. i’m tired of translating when i should just be communicating.

i’ve been thinking a lot about cassandra, who was cursed to know the future but no one would believe her. i’ve been thinking that if you tell people and they don’t understand you or believe you, then STOP TELLING THEM ANYTHING. don’t waste your energy unless it’s for the people who are willing to listen. maybe the people you’re supposed to be talking to are the people who already have their door half-opened and are willing to gain something, instead of looking first and foremost to deny. on the whole, i’ve been pretty lucky about finding open-minded people, and i have to remember to stick to that path and not get discouraged.

i have to get 10 hours of sleep today. i need to be strong for tomorrow.

email to muskrat:

Remember how we were talking about the part in Blink with the study of people with autism, and how they were most interested in the light switches?

I was at a bar today and felt super autistic because everyone who walked in, man or woman, i went, butt – legs – shoes. I couldn’t stop. I saw so many butts and legs and shoes today.

last night at the other room, there was a moment where i felt i needed to make a decision and this song came on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-67tBPHA_8U

i knew it because i’d just downloaded the album and had only listened to a few songs, but so far this was the song i liked.

name of the band? phoenix.

it just keeps repeating itself. phoenix tattoo. phoenix suns. phoenix at the greek. phoenix when i need the direction.

i revere the moon, but i honor and serve the number 9. and who is 9 in goddess form but the phoenix. and who is the goddess but 9.

my trust level. it’s the only thing that holds me to people. i need someone who can simultaneously appeal to extremes. if you knew the intensity of energy coarsing through me, then you would know why i need someone strong in a very specific way. i’ve managed to polarize myself to generate energy. and i’ve stayed grounded throughout this process. but i think i would like to output now with someone’s help.

one of the last things he said to me as he disappeared back into the murky darkness from which he had emerged just as suddenly…

i’m sorry that you like me more than you can.

and for the first time in a long time…i felt simultaneous shame and relief.

the raw truth feels good.

sunday was a bright day…yesterday…

all failsafes are working. i trust them. when the right one comes along, his very nature will compromise them without realizing they were there in the first place. my secrets are excalibur–unlocked by the one who is pure of heart. that’s the beauty of this system. i assume that i use a form of predictive memory…memories are implanted so that feelings of triggered memory or familiarity despite logical reason lead me to attach “significance” to a person or encounter. these are how i choose what to follow and whom to connect with. im still learning which are real triggers, and having tolerance that some parts of the path illuminated by triggers are not always rewarding. it’s about persistence and determination to build my perspective until i can recognize the ultimate picture. i understand that life is training my instincts and sight right now.

where does my power come from? my core, of course. what is my core?

the things i never gave away. the me that believes in truth. the me that is the truth. my faith. my innocence. my belief that i will someday find those keys. and the man they belong to.

he holds my knowledge.

what did batman need?

1. unlimited financial resources
2. alfred – a caretaker/mentor
3. a polarity – batman was a point of light in a world of darkness. batman was a point of darkness in a world of light. in fact, we all are. it’s like the moon–at different times, from different perspectives, we view it differently. but it is still the same. you get from it what you need. batman needed an inverted reflection. shadow and light. light and shadow. does the mirror know it’s the reflection?
4. peers

i’m close.

When you came in the air went out. And every shadow filled out with doubt. I don’t know who you think you are but before the night is through…I wanna do bad things with you.

my darkness. my light. i taste it all.

one of the signs of a great man is his ability to respect a woman who has earned everything she has, and not try to take away from it.

See me, want me, give me, trust me
Feed me, fuck me, love me, touch me
This whole world is cold and ugly
What we are is low and lovely
I am the most beautiful boogie man
The most beautiful boogie man
Let me be your favorite nightmare
Close your eyes and I’ll be right there

-mos def

The 3 places you will probably never meet your life partner:

1. A bar/club
2. Vegas
3. Rehab

It’s hard to start off on the right foot.

unleash unleash unleash
unleash unleash unleash
unleash unleash unleash

first of all, chris titus presents himself beautifully. i’ve been thinking about stand-up.

second.

i love the way the night envelopes pretty things.

third.

i have to let go of everything. that’s the thing. having the discipline not to promise away anything.

it’s easy for me to do a lot of things. but right now, what’s most important is to be strong and wait.

fourth.

my perspective is being challenged. i’ve never experienced before, a time of such great certainty paired with such great uncertainty.

I am certain of myself. Everything else, it’s hard to tell what’s real.

the well (a ghost story)

i thought about the men i’d known over the years who were always toeing the line, their wedding bands mysteriously absent, sometimes leaning in too closely to whisper in my ear at late night industry parties featuring primal rhythms and open bars, subtly enhaling my scent so dangerously close to where a woman’s jaw, neck and ear meet to form the perfect storm.

some were more accustomed to the dark than others…you could tell by the shine of their eyes they were used to getting their way. and as with honey, no matter what corner, they could always find me.

that dark, mysterious, complicatedly uncomplicated place where a man goes to stand at the edge of a moonlit well as his wife and children sleep soundly at home, that place where the point of no return is a lot closer than he arrogantly believes… that place. that edge of oblivion. that place is where i live. and i sit quietly, waiting.

i see them on moonlit nights, looking for a game to test their might but not really believing what they wager can truly be lost. they come as shadows, in pompous suits and damp, naked fingers, asking for directions when they know exactly where they are.

i look them in the eye
and a grin begins to crawl
creeping through the room like a dangerous seduction

as she leans in

her cool fingers draped dangerously on his arm

(the last stop) whispering,

are you sure this is where you want to be?

as something inside flicks its tongue over the razor’s edge glinting shadows within the darkness.

the good ones always turn back.

why is it some people work so hard to destroy your belief in love stories? and the way they do it is by pretending they believe in them, too.

if you looked at how much the people around me love me, you would understand how much I’ve put into the lives of the people I love.

when I think about life, I feel I would rather be strong and build, even if that means my time in this world will be shorter, but I will go forth with open eyes and an open heart, and in giving, I hope some day to receive something very specific–a summit.

The whole encapsulated view.