Echo

goddam this is bullshit. laying awake at night, wondering shit. worrying about shit. every time i see a missed call from my parents, i worry. every time the phone rings in the middle of the night, my heart jumps into my throat. i wanna throttle those wrong numbers…they have no idea the hell they put me through. but there’s nothing tangible there, no basis for the fear except that i know, one day, i will lose the ones i love.

is that any excuse to keep people away, because one more person let into my inner circle means one more person who will someday devastate me with loss when they’re gone? one more person who may or may not hurt when i’m gone? why am i so fucking sensitive.

you’ve gotta know though, most days i don’t think about these things. they’re programs that run invisibly in the background, and only hit my consciousness sometimes as faded fragments of uncomfortable dreams. but on nights like these, everything just crowds in and camps.

i could be great, or i could be so much wasted potential. i know what i need to unlock my potential, but these things remain elusive. i know that i’m learning how to be patient, to jump when it’s time to jump, to wait when it’s time to wait. but it’s the fear that gets me, the fear that finds me on the darkest of night and laughs from the corner where i can’t see him.

tonight, i’m thinking about someone from a long time ago. am i still burning a candle for him? every single other day i would laugh. but then nights like these…i can sit alone, hold my head in my hands and wonder, why…why would it even matter to me when i don’t matter to him, and in the grand scheme of things, our lives don’t even meet. we never even dated. we were never even romantic. it’s been over 10 years. but why, at the sight of his picture, does it twist a razor inside my stomach. maybe because it reminds me of a lost, angry pathetic me, one that was so lost in a world without punctuation or reprieve. maybe i’m still angry at myself for a wasted youth so adrift…always running, running, running like a scared little girl.

the last few months i’ve been at the peak of my power. stronger and more magnetic than i’ve ever thought i would achieve. and the price…loneliness. i am powerful because i am alone. left alone to my own devices, i thrive. but give me that distraction, that taste of human companionship, and i crumble. my knees shake. my insides quiver and suddenly…i have so much need. i have so much love i want to give. so much love i want to take. and then suddenly i’m going around in circles until my mind dies of starvation and neglect. but my heart is heavy and full with that push/pull of being fed but being left even hungrier.

i’m lonely. i’m so fucking lonely. i’m so fucking lonely i can barely stand myself. but sometimes, it’s being around people that makes me feel even more isolated. even more misunderstood. even more empty, like a black, expansive sky just waiting to be filled when everything that falls into it just gets consumed before it hits the ground.

what is this, god? what is this that i can’t find another person who speaks my language and can help me translate my own truth to myself? i need help. i’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, and will continue to do so, every assignment, every illumination that others need, even if it relegates me into a reflection or shadow. but i need you to do one thing for me. i’m not a fucking martyr. i never signed up to be a martyr. it’s because the world doesn’t need it. it needs a leader. it needs truth. i’m not here to give to others until they bleed me dry. what good would that do anyone? i want to be a positive force, to help, to nurture and guide, but i have my own needs as well which i refuse to deny. i need to be understood. please, i need to be understood. i need someone i can trust to help me understand myself and the full extent of things, before i can understand the true nature of this world.

i decided to search my blog for the word “space” to find what clues Past Julia left for me.

i found this: http://3amwanderer.blogspot.com/2004/07/paradox-potential-i-was-sitting-and.html

first of all, why do i feel like i was smarter in the past? 2004 was a smart year.

secondly, how the hell did i forget that i had already learned not to ask for a soulmate? then perhaps most of 2008’s debacle could have been avoided. but then i reread my post about that fateful day last year. i quote myself:

“but i also remember the one word that resoundedly landed in my head.

Crap.”

so how was it, i knew that very day this guy was “not my dude,” that this wasn’t where i was supposed to be, but then i forgot? i didn’t trust my first instincts. the same as the fact i dated a guy for 2 1/2 years that i didn’t want to date in the first place. but when i look back in hindsight, i did “need” those experiences. i did grow, and learn, and become a better version of myself than i had been before those experiences, as painful as they were and as hard as they make my eyes roll these days. so what does that mean? trust first instincts and avoid these fated but devastating interactions? or bite the bullet and go through them?

lately i’ve been really good about listening to that voice in my head that says, “not your dude,” or “crap.” people try to convince me. i had one guy alternate between writing me long love letters about how we were meant to be and make each other strong, but i’m just scared, and being angry at me for being so unwilling to “try.” but i know he’s not my dude because i recognize the initial feelings as one that says “this isn’t it.” so i kinda want to wait for the feeling that tells me, “hmmm…maybe” instead of “Crap.” but if i’m disciplined enough not to bite at bait, will i get what i’m ultimately searching for? or do i have to go through the crap and learn before i get it?

my gut tells me i’ve been through the crap. my gut tells me to wait.

but then why do i feel so bad when i can’t let guys who are not my dude get close? maybe that’s it. maybe i have to be okay with not giving to everyone who asks, to prove that the one i finally give to is the one i really want to give to because it’s right, not because on some level, i just felt obligated.

b gave me a sleeping pill last night because i’ve been sleeping so poorly. i was still waking up in the middle of the night, but it didn’t feel so jarring and it was easier to fall back to sleep. i did find that every time i woke up, i would hug my pillow like it was another person. i think on some level, i’m lonely.

today hasn’t been very eventful which in a way, i’m somewhat relieved for even though it’s not over yet. i woke up early to run an errand, but i do have to say i’m a little disappointed in people for not being able to keep a secret.

went and played basketball and got yelled at by my coach because i played half-court 4’s with these older guys and they didn’t have much body control. went 3 for 6 (2 drives/1 mid-range, missed 3 outside shots). I’m playing more in control, can hit the pull-up jump shot, but to be honest, the more people on the floor, i still worry about feet and am careful about getting hurt.

i think the rest helped because i’m not as melancholy. but i’m not feeling completely here.