Echo

I’m losing control. Coming off the rails. Shit.

I know I need sleep really, really badly. Can’t seem to get it though. Even my dream world is fractured.

I dreamed the other night that I realized I had a fish tank but I’d forgotten about it for like 8 months. When I found it it was really dirty but the fish were still alive. I fed them more than I should, and I wondered if overeating after not eating in so long would end up killing them.

Then I saw that there were skeletons, so I had neglected some of them to death, and Peyote, my turtle who I’d released negligently into the wild a long time ago was there. He was huge. He climbed out of the aquarium and he had all this moss or something all over him. I felt his skin and he was feverishly warm, which freaked me out because a turtle should not have warm skin. I put him under running water trying to cool him down, and the whole time I was thinking, I caused this. I killed all of them.

This dream really bugged me, especially because I suspected the turtle was my mother, and I worry I’m going to stress her out or give her a heart attack with the way we argue. But we’ve been good lately. Only had 1 argument the last few weeks.

The next day, I was driving around and decided to go to Mountain View and find a place to read. I was walking back to my car when I saw a store that sold tropical fish. I thought it was weird that I would be in front of a fish store when I’d had that dream the night before, so I walked in, took a look around, spent some time staring at the turtle, didn’t find any answers, then left.

Today, my mom and I had a massive argument and that always makes me feel like shit. I guess the dream was a precursor to the weekend. I wonder what’s wrong with me. She says stop caring so much and I can’t. If I did, I wouldn’t even come in anymore. I just feel like everything is a lose-lose. I can’t put myself anywhere.  Stay and I feel like one day she’ll be gone and all I’ll have are these awful moments of guilt over these conflicts. Go and I abandon my team. That’s why my mind goes to such extremes to think the only way I can get out is with a drastic action.

Now I’m feeling the way I felt in my dream when I realized I was killing things with my inability to take care of things. I just feel pretty worthless, and all I can think of is wanting to be alone somewhere and not have to deal with people. Sometimes I feel like I live in a sort of purgatory–people like me, but they don’t want me in their lives. And in confident moments I don’t care, but in vulnerable moments, I wonder what the fuck I’m doing here.

He and I are both Gemini’s.

The thing is, I always thought I would end up with a Taurus.

I want a Taurus.

The music was loud so he leaned in to talk in my ear as I put my hand gently on his back, the tight curve of his muscle that I wanted to taste, his heat. I could feel his temperature spike when I touched him, both of us so aware of our contact.

But what is there between us?

It’s not good, and I mean REALLY good, unless there’s something between us. Otherwise, it’s only about convenience and someone always gets hurt.

Interesting. When Ryan had contacted me on Facebook out of the blue, it was almost exactly a year ago.

Tonight I was sitting at home watching Netflix and suddenly I decided I HAD to go out. It was 11 at night. I ended up at the cowboy bar, and as soon as I walked in, I had a feeling I knew someone in the crowd.

I walked through but didn’t see anyone so I just took everything in. The band was awesome–country influence but they did a version of Billy Jean that segued into Whoomp There It Is (knowing all the lyrics was a rite of passage for me).

I saw this guy with a shaved head looking like he wanted to talk to me, but I ignored him like I was ignoring everyone else. I was watching a stocky Mexican guy with a crude fade getting Jack Daniels poured into his mouth as he lay prone in the dentist chair when the guy with a shaved head came up to me and asked, “Is your name Julia?” I said yes and looked into his eyes and at once recognized him.

“Ryan,” I said at the same time he said, “I think we went to high school together.”

I gave him a hug and it was so tight, so GOOD, like we were long lost friends when they truth was, we never really knew each other.

But I always remembered him; I was fascinated with him. Back up quarterback, in love with my softball teammate Courtney. When I found out years later through Facebook that he’s a Gemini, I wondered if that’s why I never forgot him. We had had a conversation on Facebook a few months ago. And here we were. It had been half a lifetime since we’d last seen each other.

We were both so different. He’d lost his hair since but I just wanted to rub his head. I wasn’t sure…what was ever between us? What did we possibly have in common except an intertwined past? An Anatomy class together?

It felt good to be with someone from my past. Shocking yet comfortable. If he had asked me to go home with him I probably would have against my best judgment. I really didn’t know if there was even anything between us, but it was the idea of having someone safe whose arms I could fall asleep in. I want, need that so badly.

He asked me repeatedly to message him and we would get a beer. Later he went back to his group and I saw him talking with a girl. Don’t know if they were together.

Later, as I was leaving, I saw a gorgeous brother, like a prizefighter with a fauxhawk in a white suit. Complete with handlers. I went up to him. Asked him if we’d met in Vegas. He said I looked really familiar. I pulled out this picture.

Is this you, I asked. He laughed. “This is unbelievable! That is me!”

I told him I’ve been showing people that picture and telling people he’s the biggest panther I ever caught.

He was so impressed we’d run into each other again. That was a random meeting 2 years ago. I asked if he was still in school to be a firefighter and he said he’s wrapping up in June. He can’t believe I remember that.

Of course I do. And it’s not lost on me that Ryan is a firefighter too. Two people from my past in one night. Two firefighters.

WTF.