How I am able to survive on crumbs. Why is it what I want is always unavailable?
I saw him today. But wasn’t that my secret objective? That I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since VMWorld? My God, the fever he gave me…my desire consumed me, both waking life and dreams, how badly I wanted to taste him, talk to him, know him, until it finally subsided so I could function.
I came down to LA for a meeting with his company and I told myself not to get my hopes up if I didn’t see him, but I knew how badly I wanted to. And he was there. We all went out to lunch and he drove and I sat next to him. I wanted to sit across from him and it worked out that way too. Even when we walked out we walked so closely together, so in sync that I could feel that he was pulled in, too. Somewhere inside him, he felt drawn, too. I couldn’t remember when the first time I’d met him was and it turns out it was that night in Seattle, at my spot, the Triple Door, when I’d met with his company for drinks and he seemed sullen, never smiling. I thought he didn’t think much of me. I found out today that had actually been his birthday, but I don’t remember that we’d celebrated, only the man I felt instantly magnetized to but also instantly hurt that he didn’t seem to notice me.
Now that we broke through he’s witty and quickminded and when he talked about his love for cooking it drove me crazy. We have similar minds and passions. And once again, it doesn’t fit in this world.
I am sustaining off crumbs. It’s not right. But my heart is fixated. I want to be closer, to know if we got closer, if it would bring back memories older than time.
Life…give me a chance. This is no way to live.