Echo

When a guy says, “Why are you looking at me
like that?!” It means he’s thinking about kissing you and the moment’s freaking him out.

With David, I didn’t have my heart broken. I had my soul stolen. But I learned it regenerates. Into whatever I want it to be.

Ok. He’s pretty cute.

Oh now this shit’s getting real. He calls me and wants to see me this week. And my personality retracts inside me like George Costanza in cold water. You don’t sound very excited, he said.

No, I’m scared shitless.

No, I don’t like people getting close to me at all. You have to prove you’re good first. Then prove you won’t try to change me or dominate me. Any fast moves and you’ll either get guns or a disappearing act. It’s hard for me to trust strangers. You have to prove you’re a friend first.

I have no problem showing myself. I let very few people get close.

I am on defensive lockdown. Maybe that says it all right there.

German engineer has a PhD. Worked at Stanford. Interesting.

He’s also a June 25th Cancer. Cancers are tough for me. They’ve been all over the board but one thing they seem to have in common…they appreciate words. They tend to appreciate me. Supposedly they may be able to see through my facade. So many people mistake me for someone you meet “out there.” On the path to adventure. I’m best as someone you come home to. Someone you build a nest with, a safe harbor, and wherever I go I will always come home. That’s the best of me.

He texted today. Within the range I predicted. Late at night. He said he couldn’t wait to see me again and asked if I had a few minutes to chat. I told him that I was already in bed and it seems like an inappropriate place to have a first phone conversation.

I feel the way I usually feel in these situations. Will the red flags eventually come back to haunt me? If I am already unsure, is it best to keep looking?

The financial analyst from Montana. That was the most comfortable encounter I had this week. Maybe I’m looking for a connection like that.

I’ve never told anyone this. Why I seem to have a thing for Germany.

When I was in kindergarten, I could never sleep during nap time. The only way I could pass the time was a fantasy in which I had a machine in which I created perfect blond-haired blue-eyed men who serviced me.

Now I don’t know what “serviced me” meant to a 5 year old but in hindsight, I got the gist.

Maybe that is the secret I brought with me into this world.

Hitler was a bastard. But maybe all he wanted was the dream of having perfect blond-haired blue-eyed men service him. If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s that repressing homosexuality has tragic consequences. Gotta let your freak flag fly.

Tomorrow will be a full moon on a 29th day. I’ve been hitting on 8’s lately. Let’s see what pops.

Got a massage on Sat from my secret weapon. She said the doctor told her I’m a monster on the court. I laughed. Men have called me that.

My shins were cramping after the first game. He massaged them out (one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever have) and I was able to power through the next game against tall 23 year olds.

He’d always fixed me up but this was the first time he’d seen me play. He said he thought I played bigger but I played small. And quick. Said I’m better than 75% of the guys. Said it in an amazed way in that whatever thoughts he’d had about me, I’d far exceeded them.

75%. A solid C in a man’s world, a solid A++ in being the creature that haunts a man when he’s alone in the dark. Temptation and fear, like bourbon and bitters. The potential loss of self. It’s an intoxicating cocktail. An addiction, some would say.

I can be your addiction. I can keep you fed. You want to build a wolfpack? Start with a woman who hunts.

Basketball is the best kind of war. Walking is the best exercise. I would say sex if it wasn’t so messy.

My approach to sex is like my approach to drugs. I don’t do drugs. People keep telling me I would really like ecstasy but I don’t want to try it for fear I would really like it. Then what happens if I want it all the time, but know I can’t? It’s worse to have tasted and want it but not be able to have it.

I would rather not taste something at all than want something I can’t control or that’s bad for me.

Build trust with me first before you tease me. Even if you’re being playful, chances are I won’t like you.

I told the german guy, I like germans because they’re efficient and methodical. They’re robots. And Asians are the computers, the CPUs. We need your engineering and our minds to take this world to the next level.

He asked, are you telling me you’re a CPU?

I’m an SSD, I told him.

Smell. That’s another way I’m doing it. I can feel when someone’s body temperature spikes around me. But I can also smell when there’s compatibility. They’ll smell familiar, like my own skin.

I am unsure here, because in that one kiss, even though it was a good one, I could tell he was a man about control. Not saying he’s not capable with control, he seemed thoroughly competent judging by his build and hands. But control often comes with a lining of cruelty, and that’s something I know I am to avoid. I can not survive in those ambiguities.

And yet another ambiguity I’m in. I’m learning to breath in a state of ambivalence. I’m learning to deal with the gray. prey

You see a mean dog sleepin’, you go pesterin’?

Mountain View has the highest density of white guy with asian wife with beautiful mixed kids I’ve ever seen.

Engineer #1 I give 1.5 weeks before he responds. He’ll have to. Our conversation’s not over.

Engineer #2 If the number I gave him was correct, if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow I won’t.

I’m always at my most magnetic around the full moon.

I can’t hold it against a guy that he kisses like a douchebag I once knew but it is a red flag because it still is an indicator of nature and personality. Just like a guy with immature hands. Hands say so much about a man. So do his lips.

I think I’m more interested in people than I am in experiences. I’m interested in experiences that let me learn about people.

When I was talking to the German engineer, this other Asian girl (not the original creeper) dressed as a black fairy comes up, puts her hands on my face tenderly, then hugs me like we were separated after the Titanic sunk and she’s finally found me. Then she introduces me to her husband. When she leaves the guy asks me if I know her and I say no. Straight Asian girls just act weird around me sometimes.