William just told me that R feels like he can’t win any arguments with me, that it’s always I’m right, you’re wrong and here’s 10 reasons why. Now I’m frustrated again, and remember why it’s so hard talking to him. He puts his ego first and takes things personally that it’s hard to talk to him. He goes from non-responsive to defensive and then things turn into an argument. He’s asking William and Shello if they’ve ever had an argument with me, that I’m impossible and the answer is yes, we’ve had disagreements but it never turns into an argument because we listen to what each person is saying. I’m known as a very strong personality but I’m also known as a reasonable person. But when I come to him and say, hey, I’m was kind of hurt by this and I want to know what this means, I actually WANT to be told I’m WRONG…ie if I worry that his saying this means he’s not committed, I want him to say, no I’m AM committed and this is why your interpretation doesn’t add up.
At the beginning, he used to say things that were defensive and I took the approach of letting him have it, saying, if that’s what you want to think, I’ll take it, even though it was completely wrong. And then he would back off of it because he knew it was wrong. But that was creating such bad feeling. So now yes, I cut him off if he’s saying something that is defensive and moving us in the wrong direction.
What I wish is that he wouldn’t make things about himself in those moments. If I bring something up, doesn’t matter how upset I am, this is an opportunity to bring us closer together. When I’m upset and he makes it about him, he’s being selfish. I’ve told him before that I don’t always come in with the right attitude, but a lot of time it’s how he handles it that escalates things. I know I need to have a better approach and also be more patient with him, and I’m committed to working on that. And this is what I need to see from him–not putting his ego first, or automatically getting hurt and shutting down.
When I bring things up, it’s not about winning. I’ve never been about winning and anyone who’s ever played sports with me knows. Winning is just a measurement of a good game, but I always cheer the other team on if they do something good. When we talk, it’s about wanting him to understand how I feel, not about telling him I’m right and he’s wrong, because that’s not what it’s about. I’m looking for some freakin’ understanding, not a win. But when he gets defensive, I feel like I’m trying to adjust his perspective on it to make it more conducive to resolving the issue, so that’s why I give examples, and it ends up being 10 examples because he’s not saying anything and I’m trying to so hard to communicate.
I feel he really doesn’t get me, and he takes my efforts for granted. He puts his ego and fear in front of me, and then resents me. That’s why I seem like I’m in and out. There’s no room for me if that’s how he deals with conflict. It’s so hard to talk to him.
I’m always the first to admit when I’m wrong. But if there’s no wrong and right, and he assumes he did something wrong or that I’m saying he’s wrong, then it turns into a wrong/right because his perspective and approach in this way is wrong. I’m talking to him because I’m telling him there’s something wrong (not that he’s wrong) and I want it fixed. He then spirals it into an argument.
It doesn’t work. But it’s not on my side to change for this one. I can work on changing my approach, exercising more patience, letting him speak and listening, but he has to change his mentality in these things. There’s no place for ego in a discussion. He’s projecting ego onto me and that’s causing so many problems that it makes it impossible for me to stay.
