Echo

if i reach for the moon and the moon reaches back, my life will be complete.

Pain is resistance. You can reduce pain by reducing resistance to what you can’t change.

this week was a high pressured one. i got the biggest order i’ve ever gotten, and then 2 days later i got another order the same size. what was weird was that one was $2200, and the other was $2022.20. 22’s are repeating themselves.

coach broke down on monday when he got a call in the middle of practice that his mother figure had passed. he called us in a circle and told us then cried. i told the girls to lock arms and we surrounded him. i rubbed his back trying to comfort him. it was heavy.

wed spoke to one of my teammates who had said she was depressed. at the end of the talk she said she felt better. i asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t hurt herself, because hurting herself would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. she hadn’t mentioned anything along those lines but i felt a worry.

on friday she mentioned she couldn’t go to our fundraiser the next day because she was in the hospital and couldn’t leave til sunday. i knew right away it was a three day mandatory psych hold which means she’d tried to hurt herself. i texted her what happened and she said she almost overdosed on pills. she said she was sorry she didn’t keep her promise to me and it broke my heart. i told her it was okay, that i was glad she was okay. i asked her if there was anything i could do for her and she said no. i asked her if she wanted me to visit her and she said no. i didn’t know what to do. i was looking online and saw that she had posted about the free throw shoot-a-thon asking people to please donate. we each have to raise $600. so i just donated $600 to her so she wouldn’t have to worry about her quota, and wrote in the message that the universe has big plans for her and that i believe in her. i didn’t know what else to do for her. i felt so sorry for all the times i’ve been at the edge, and the pain it put my loved ones through.

sometimes i sit here and wonder what is real and what isn’t. i have notebooks and notebooks of messages i wanted to give people, things that seemed so random that i wanted to tell them, but i didn’t because i was so afraid of rejection or sounding crazy. like right now i feel like i’m supposed to tell someone they need to eat more ginger, but it seems really random, yet every day this thought comes up. what is real? sarah and i are still talking about recurring numbers and paper lanterns. what is real? sometimes my heart or my soul tells me something is real. and when i was younger, i used to think things were real or unreal, like it was black and white. now i realize it can be real and also not real, just at different levels so while something may be real at one level, it is not real on another. like soulmate connections. just because you recognize a soulmate, doesn’t mean they are good for you. just because you recognize a soulmate, doesn’t mean it’s a connection in this lifetime that will last. so what i was asking wasn’t what was *real*, it was, what has meaning.

i asked sarah yesterday, how many people in our lives can we really have deep conversations with? very few. i have so many good people in my life. but in some ways my soul is starving. i want to be able to talk with someone on a deeper level. i want to show my full range of colors, my full size of spirit. i remember years ago, a reader once told me that he felt i had more colors in my emotional spectrum than he had names for. is there someone out there who also has such a range of colors and could understand me? i feel my husband accepts me. but is there someone out there who can understand my full depth? my favorite recurring dreams are when i spoke for hours with the man with the olive skin until i woke up and i would feel as though i spent the whole night up talking.