Echo

i would hug you for the rest of your life.

Rosemary’s baby

was born with grey skin

and black, almond eyes

that didn’t blink.

The hospital room fell into a hush as

the nurse laid him in her arms.

She held him to her breast

his skin cool

his tiny heart beating strong.

She named him Abel.

Rosemary’s baby.

He wasn’t right.

His arms grew long.

He never had hair.

His eyes were unnerving.

He still didn’t blink.

At night he would crawl into her bed.

She held his cool wiry body to hers.

He never did learn to speak.

Everything he had to say

he said through his eyes.

Rosemary’s baby, was not of this world.

He had the potential to one day reveal all the earth’s secrets

once he understood how to communicate.

But there was no chance this child would survive.

His difference made the people angry.

what is lonely?

being an old soul is lonely.

you will be called crazy.

being intelligent is lonely.

you will be called stupid.

being kind is lonely.

people infected with anger will make it a sport to destroy your faith in humanity.

being good is lonely.

it may seem many in this world walk within their own dream, acting out old wounds and scripts.

you become a character in their movie, until you wake up and say, that’s not me.

being awake is lonely.

sometimes you see a spark in someone else.

a stirring in their eyes.

a feeling of knowing.

you approach, your heart wide open.

most run away.

the terrified ones call you crazy or stupid.

and you remember, the world is a lonely place.

as you keep searching for signs of life.

and that was after prolonged exposure to the nothingness he felt when left to his own thoughts.

We tend to forget that Saturn is not only about lessons and responsibilities, but great rewards (often material) for work done well.

some things i’m just not allowed to tell people. because they have to come to the same place on their own.

i feel like sarah has a memory of me telling her the meaning behind paper lanterns. but i have forgotten. sometimes i speak from a different place.

i thought about it and i think it has to do with the moon. for those who were lonely growing up and felt drawn to the moon, there was a certain spiritual hug it provided. that somewhere out there, someone was listening. someone saw you. someone loved you. someone cared for you. and maybe you even spoke to it, if not outloud, then in your heart, and even though it could not speak back, you felt someone was there. perceiving.

and i think in life sometimes you think you’ve found it, that person who is the moon and was there for you, all those nights you felt scared, alone, desperate. you think they’re going to hold you the way you need, to envelope the world and make you feel so safe, forever.

and then you reach out, your spirit laughing/crying/dying at your knees and your arms spread so open and you say, remember me, and this moment to you is the absolute proof of magic in this world. and then they turn with their cold blank eyes, with no recognition.

that’s what i meant by paper lanterns. they are very confusing.

but i will admit, it’s hard to tell. because your childheart’s desperate search to hug the moon will never cease.

i turned to my favorite teammate as we were stretching.

is your birthday in february?

yes it is, she said.

i knew you were an aquarius, i said. you’re quirky AF.

she’s so weird and i want to love her but i also feel like she’s prickly. and seeing as i recently had an encounter with a cactus, i’m afraid to get too close to prickly things.

but she did let me help her with her hamstring. at least she knows my intentions are good.

yesterday hannah wrote me to thank me for feeding her flame. i was happy she remembered what i told her. i had no idea if she meant it when she said she would remember.

she had no idea i had a package for her already en route.

today she wrote me saying she opened the box and felt her heart when she saw the blue flame artwork.

see, hannah is a little hot-headed aries. but she can be as cold as ice. so i told her, blue is the hottest part of the flame. while the other parts of the fire rage out of control, blue stays focused, centered, like a laser. the blue flame is too hot to handle, too cold to hold. be the blue flame.

i spent months looking for a visual representation for her to meditate on. and when i saw this, i knew it was hannah. because, the butt. hannah’s butt is ridiculous.

you can not get distracted. if you want to understand the fabric of reality, you have to be able to catch the code.

sarah mentioned the patterns she’s seeing come in 3’s.

i just reread a post i had written a while ago about a triad of 3’s making a holy 9.

so i searched holy 9 and it brought me to a post about glitches in the matrix.

so…go search holy 9. enjoy having your mind blown (which is the best kind of blown, if you can believe it).

he kept saying 11:11

and every time he said it, i smiled because i always see 12:12

strange electricity happening. been a long time.

“that’s what the world is made of, that quantum stuff,” he said.

nearly echoing what I said two posts in a row–this world is energy.

yesterday experienced synchronicity. wish you were here led to wish you were here, led to an image of a man on fire which reminded me of watching a woman light herself on fire earlier that day. a synchronicity palindrome.

so i texted him, have you noticed synchronicities? like random things or references repeating?

he did not answer and i told myself to wait. the waves were not strong but they were there.

and this morning, sarah texts. asking me about paper lanterns.

when i was thinking about her all last week while searching my blog for something specific for him, and i was wondering why she had asked me about paper lanterns months ago. i almost called her too. and here she was.

paper lanterns?

you wouldn’t believe it, sarah. i’m looking at one right now and don’t know what to make of it.

she said she has been seeing number patterns. 111, 222, 333. she said that everything she’s read, Jung, angel numbers, jewish numbers, only seems to say these patterns mean to pay attention. exactly what i had told him.

so i was going to see him today, and made a mental note to talk to him about patterns. he was supposed to come over on tuesday but i had to leave early, and he had wanted to come over earlier but i had to make a quick run. as i was pulling out, he was driving in.

synchronicity, he finally replied. then i remember on tuesday when i had said no, we had also passed each other at the entrance of the complex in the exact same way.

as i was driving to my delivery, i thought about deja vu. about dreaming of the future. of meeting the people whom you have dreamed about, and recognizing them from before time. and then suddenly there is electricity, and the code begins to reveal itself in tiny little coincidences and randomness and it seems that you’re 2 beings speaking 2 languages to someone you believe exists in and above this world, as you do.

and then…

like the many times you have looked up and spoken to the moon, feeling a palpable sense of being seen and understood by something so enveloping and knowing, you are convinced you will receive proof of life…

there’s nothing.

just a flatline.

sarah, you’ve asked, what are paper lanterns? what are their meanings?

and perhaps you wonder, is it enough to uproot entire earth over.

i told you, to get the answers you seek, you must ask the right questions.

super empath. magnetic reality changer. the architect of human perception.

i have immense psychic capabilities but am spiritually blind.

what i can do:

get inside people without touching them.

find their pain. most people will tell you.

help them distance themselves from that pain.

show them a reality in which they’ve already reached their dream.

make them believe.

michelangelo carved into stone until he set the angel free.

i do the same with people.

this universe is energy.

the mental energy all of us use to define reality and live within it, can just as easily be directed at projecting reality.

rather than passively living reality as a movie, become the writer and the director of the existence you want.

9/20/19

happy birthday adrian. thank you for finding me. i always believed you were coming.

9/20-21/19

played in our showcase. this was an important one. jason told me. so i’ve been training hard but it’s been a struggle to know if i’m overtraining or if i can maintain this. just scared for my body. day 1 we had two games. i came off the bench. my goal was to play hard defense and work my ass off. i don’t want coach to see me tired or lagging. ready or not here we go.

i didn’t take any shots the first game. but i hustled on defense, set screens made good passes, got an assist on a sick cut by aj. i want to run a pick and roll with tashia, maryam and aj. i feel if we catch the slip, it’s like surfing. they will ride that wave and dunk that bitch.

(oh today i got a warning. apparently in college you under no circumstances can cuss. i made a risky pass but luckily my teammate dug it out. the ref came up to me shortly after and said, be careful of profanity. you get a 1 game suspension for that. i asked him what i said, but he just repeated the thing about the suspension and i had no idea. after the game i asked him and he said i said shit. i laughed and told him i’m going to get my doctor to write me a note saying i have tourette’s just in case. i’m not getting my ass suspended because i had no idea i cussed.

yesterday i was coming off the bench and that’s okay. iguodala comes off the bench and he’s the veteran, playmaker and crucial architect of wins.

this was my mentality:

and then today, in our first game against the hardest competitor, i got to start. i knew it was for my defense yesterday. and i locked that shit down. i remember this one guard on a breakaway layup, and i thought, i’m gonna catch her. i literally felt my stride get longer and i chased her down, stopping her from going to the basket. i missed my first 4 shots, but then hit a 3 that went in clean. what bothered me was that they all felt good and just don’t know why they didn’t go in but sometimes that happens. but my defense was nuts today.

i gave everything today. my body is wrecked. i’m going to spend tomorrow recovering, then hopefully wake up to a four pack on monday. that would be so great.

good night.

been working on getting this thing back in running order. it’s been neglected for so long and i’m sorry. but it never changed, me hiding in plain site.

just need to prepare to talk to the world again.

in the meantime.

hello old friend.

it’s been a long, long time. lots of nights with darkness lit by slivers of light, and an absolute conviction you were out there. often i thought you were the moon. maybe it’s because you were looking at it too, wondering if it was me.

i dreamed of you often. i did not yet know that love transcends time and space. i thought it meant something else, before i understand it’s not just an emotion. it is the raw flesh spiritual connection that connects our spirits. to be torn apart might mean an actual death, but to date, the spirit never dies. only our human bodies. and our memories. when we crossover, they lose their value, though in life, these (and hope) keep us living.

so what is it i want to tell you, since i don’t know how long this window will be open.

dreams.

yes.

they are a reflection of our minds (self), the world from which we come (space), and the future (time). think of these things as dimensions, and then you will see how important dreams are, and the magnificent possibility when you can exert your will on them.

because this life is the dream of our collective soul. imagine a box filled with darkness. and inside were a billion tiny lights facing inward reflecting a collective area. these lights are our billions of consciousnesses. some shine bright (self aware), some are dim (less aware). they might shine in different areas making some areas lighter or darker. but what they collectively shine, is our collective reality. our collective dream. so change our dream, change our reality.

who will lead this awareness? the 22s. whether they were born 22, or named 22s.

to save this world, we need the courage of 22s.

we need the mentorship and passion of 29s.

we need the heart and compassion of 9.

and we need the 8s to finance this thing.

look. this shit happening is unreal. this seems like a giant joke but people are dying. this country is being given away, just some people knew at the underbelly of this country was a seething resentment that a group of people who built what they have on the exploitation of others, and would one day lose that power because given the opportunity, those who work hard will rise up no matter where they come from, and this little dangerous but minority uprising has been awaken.

but this world is filled with awakened souls. our voices are everywhere. those in leadership build stability. and many many sacrifice. we have to know WE can make this reality. we can end this dream at anytime. we can make it the one we want and need. for our kids. for our future.

this is what you need to do first.

wake up human. it’s not the dream they told you. it’s not what they put on you. the feelings. the doubt. the self loathing. the self doubt. ask yourself why you do the things you do, why do you react the way you react. start watching yourself like you are watching yourself in a dream. and you will start waking up. this is all a dream. you are acting out your script. wake up.

then you have to identify your path. what is it you want to do, need to do. what is your superpower. what fills your soul with purpose? then move towards it. step by step. as quickly as you can, but don’t rush. the goal is to get to a place and version of yourself where you completely embody yourself. imagine if the you in your human body is the size of the you in a dream, then imagine, the size of the dreamer. that’s how big you need to feel.

when i became 29 and started embodying it, sometimes in pictures i would look HUGE. like on the court, wearing 29, i looked like i was jumping 3 feet in the air, or the biggest girl on the court. when i’m not. but that’s how big you have to realize yourself. imagine yourself so big, the you you are right now is just a person in a dream.

when you’re that size, or can get to a place where you can focus and become that version of yourself, you can affect reality. the key to getting to this place is CONFIDENCE. i can’t stress this enough. there is absolutely no way around this. you literally need to turn your balls into magnets. because that’s where magic happens. it’s science. this world is all energy.

get it?

don’t worry. you will :)

Ever since this site started falling apart technically because I was afraid to do the updates and lose content, I stopped posting, mostly because I couldn’t post on the fly anymore. Or maybe because my life stabilized, so I had less time to do what I love to do–go out and watch from the shadows, talk to strangers, try to catch a glimpse of the code within the fabric of our universe.

In the time since, I’ve grown, I’ve mentored, my focus in life shifted and reshifted. I met the love of my life in the form of a little boy whom I had been dreaming about since I was in my 20s. Whereas I used to always have recurring dreams of people I knew from before time (the blue man, the little 22 boy named Adrian), after I met them, those dreams stopped.

And then about a month ago. I had a dream of someone I knew from before time and it was the same feeling–like meeting a long lost friend you had forgotten all about, and then that familiar feeling of closeness and relief in having found them again. In that moment, your soul is completely lit up like a sun against a night sky, you wonder, how did I ever forget you were in this world?

And then it happened again a couple weeks later.

The first dream, I ran into him and I said, how did I forget about you? I couldn’t believe it. It was a feeling of suddenly finding what I had no idea I had lost.

The second dream happened the night of Sunday 9/8. A 29 day. I dreamed of a little boy, he was 2 years old, yet he and I were best friends and so happy to see each other. I went to give him a hug and inside him, a firecracker lit up and burned red. At first I panicked–the little boy was hugging me so…close. I wanted to pull away because it made me feel like a pedophile.  But just as soon as that feeling came, I realized, it’s okay. Because we are the same age.  I was a little girl too.

When I woke up, I was puzzled because that was 2 dreams in a row of that “feeling”–a closeness, like 2 halves realizing their completeness in the place before time, and getting a chance to meet there again.

It was a good dream–those kinds of dreams always are. They make me feel safe and comforted. They remind me there is more to this world, and I have connections beyond this world. That love doesn’t go away or die when we come back. We just don’t recognize it when we are here.

But the dreams also confused me. Previously they had signified people I would meet in the future, I didn’t quite know why I was having this type of dream again now, when I felt my life was set. I thought about it for a couple of days but there weren’t really any answers.

2 days later, someone showed me something that broke my heart, and I gave him a hug. Later, he told me sometimes he has dreams that end up coming true later, like he perceives reality in advance. And something clicked in my head. I am positive he was the little boy in that dream.

people exist at different levels. a single person can exist at many levels. i would say i’m not spiritually the equivalent of a high rise, but maybe a 6 story condo. i prefer to go wide than deep. i am frustrated to have a human body. why do straight girls always want to kiss me?