last night i had a dream where i was in a very sunny place. new town, new home, nothing was familiar because i’d left my old life to begin anew, and i took solace that it was new. a new start. i could feel that i was trying to get away, get away from the old and familiar that had become too painful and draining for me to feel like myself anymore, so i hoped to find myself in the new, that by being surrounded by all that was unfamiliar, i would come face to face with all that was truly me within me. i needed to be myself again, be with myself again, not fight with people who did not accept what i tried to give, who didn’t trust what i was trying to give, who tore me down so some days were filled with a feeling of isolation, of loneliness. not everyone has to accept me, but i want to find the people who do, and want who and what i am without rejecting me if i come too close to them or their pain. i wanted to find nice people willing to accept what i want to give, because the truth in this kind of connection will be easy and obvious.
it felt like the farther away i went though, the farther i went to the edges of town, i would end up back in the same place, in the living room of my new townhome in a strange little sunny town. one day, i got in my car and drove out of town, out through the desert, out through mountains to find another town, but when i opened the door to my new house, he was sitting on the couch waiting for me.
hello, i said.
hello, he said.
i had questions, like what he was doing there, how he had known, but a part of me knew that this was his place as much as it was mine, that no matter how far i went, the end of the line in the distance always returned to the same point here.
so i gave in to it. it was good for a little while. we stayed on the surface politely. i almost forgot about the loneliness. one night, the town was protesting because something had happened that was unfair, some rule that was an injustice, a discrimination. the young people in town were up in arms, marching through the streets towards city hall, yelling in windows for people who were passive and afraid to get involved to stand up and fight for what’s right. another couple, the girl being a friend of mine, sarah i think, were with us in our living room. they had come over and the four of us had planned to join the march that night and had put on our coats getting ready to leave, but as soon as the protestors arrived, as soon as they were yelling into our window, he sat back down.
let’s go, i said, considering we were planning to join them anyway. hell, we all already had our coats on. no, he said. he looked stricken, terrified, likely to bite me defensively if i made a sudden move towards him. he looked at the mob in our window, carrying signs, angry, yelling at us for being passive while people outside suffered. i felt like they were angry at us, but if they saw us leave and join them, they would cheer, because they could see we were on the same side.
but he wouldn’t get up, scared of the angry crowd. we’re with them, i said. we’re on their side. if we don’t go out there, they’re going to think we’re against them but if we go out there and face them, they’ll be happy. but he wouldn’t go because he was afraid of them, afraid of their collective anger, afraid of their collective chaos, afraid of their collective energy, just inexplicably, afraid.
he left the room and i looked from my friend to the crowd at the window. it almost looked like the window was caving in, was going to burst in a shatter of glass at their sheer intensity, their fervor that we were being passive and allowing bad things to happen outside us as though these things weren’t completely in our hands. they wanted us to stand up and get out of the house because it’s always in our hands if we stand up to things, if we stand up for things, if we unite.
but the three of us were alone in the room, he was gone, and i didn’t know what to do.
it felt like the room was leaking water, and then i realized it was coming from inside me, like the pressure inside my chest was so great, it had sprung a leak that burned me with each drop that fell in a pool in my stomach.
my friend looked at me with such love and compassion i couldn’t stand it because she’s wasn’t the one i needed it from. i shook my head and looked far away, knowing she knew the truth as well as i did but i was afraid to hear it.
is he always going to run away from his emotions like this, she asked me, quietly.
suddenly, it became overwhelming, the truth so obvious and thick in the room. inside me, i felt the coming of the flood, the flood that would burst my insides and suddenly, i would become nothing.
i slipped to the floor and cried, releasing all the pain and sadness i’ve been holding in for so long, her concerned voice, the voice of someone who loves me, yelling my name while he was nowhere to be found, melting into darkness until the world and my body no longer existed and i was just a pool of echoes.