Coffee Bean Guy: A Proper Ending to an Imaginary Saga
So I haven’t been in the Coffee Bean at my usual morning time for over a month because I’ve been going to the gym at the crack of dawn and going to work 1 1/2 hours early. Regardless, I’d already gotten pretty bored of the situation and plus, he’s kind of creepy and I don’t want to chance him actually wanting to connect with me.
So my coworker Avi and I went to pick up lunch for the office today. Driving back, we were on the residential street next to our building and I was telling Avi how eclectic houses on a single LA street can be. I pointed to a rundown house and said, “Like that one…,” pointed at a huge, white house with pillars, “…next to that one.” He said (re: the big house), “That’s a rehab house.” I said, “What?” and looked at it, just as Coffee Bean Guy walks out the front door.
I started cracking up because when Sarita and I were bored and theorizing about him over IM one day, she had suggested, “What if he’s in AA and the reason you always see him talking to people at Coffee Bean is because they’re meetings with his sponsers?” That was so random and out of the blue that we started cracking up. But when I saw him at the rehab house, I started laughing because I would have never guessed how close Sarita was to the truth. Major props to Sarita. She IS a genius.
Anyway, God bless LA. Don’t take candy from strangers.
I talked to my brother yesterday and he asked if he could visit me on his summer break. I said okay. He asked if he could book his ticket now and I said sure. So I guess he did and he emailed me his itinerary and he’s booked a stay for 20 days. 20 DAYS!!! His entire break! So I’m flipping because I was thinking, you know, like a week-long visit. So I wrote him this email in jest. His hilarious response follows:
Dear Michael,
I noticed that you plan to stay for 20 days with me. Since that is such a
long time, this trip will not count as a vacation for you. Therefore, here
are my terms:
1. You will get a job. I don’t care what kind of job. You have to find a job
while you’re here. And a real job, too. Not a job where I have to pay you.
Because you will be taking out my garbage for free.
2. I get 50 percent of your paycheck from this job which counts as your rent
and food charges. And anything else I have to pay for, I will create a bill
which you will have to pay within a week’s time of the purchase. This
includes clothes, movie tickets, keychains and airplanes.
3. You will clean my house and make my bed every day.
4. If I want a foot massage, you have to do it. I will pay you: 50 cents for
30 minutes. 75 cents for 1 hour. 1 dollar if you give me a massage and feed
me at the same time.
5. You will go to the gym with me 5 days a week. If you burn more than 400
calories on a cardio machine, I will buy you a jamba juice. If I burn more
calories than you, you will wash my car.
6. You will treat me to dinner once a week. And don’t tell me you don’t have
enough cash. I will take you to an ATM.
Okay?
Thank you,
Julia S.
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JULIA
THNAK YOU FOR THE E-MAIL. I WILL DO ALL THESE CHORES. IF I DO A GOOD JOB, MAY I HAVE SOME FUN PLEASE? OK.
MICHAEL