Rough day today.
Sometimes I think you just have to realize that maybe you can’t have a relationship with a family member, no matter how much you want to. Because it’s not good for you. And it sucks. It really sucks.
The only nice thing that happened was this meter maid was going to give me a parking ticket because I found myself too upset to drive so I pulled over and got out to get some air. I was on the phone standing next to my car when I saw her writing me up. I asked her not to, that I was standing right there and was about to put money in but she said she had already put my license in. So I just kind of felt resigned, because of all things, this wasn’t worth fighting over. So I opened my mouth to say, that’s alright, but instead, I broke down sobbing. She put her arm around me and said, “It’s okay,” very maternally. I told her, “My brother’s having surgery right now, ” when that wasn’t what was making me want to die as much as, my realization that my father has never thought of me as a real person as much as an extension of my mom who he hurts just to get back at her. She asked me if I needed a hug and I said yes. So she hugged me and I told her, I’m so sorry…I’m not doing this just to get out of a ticket. She said, I can tell. And she talked with me for a while.
And that’s what hurt the most, you know? When strangers are kinder to you than your most loved ones. That’s what really fucking hurts the most.