love at its most unconditional is still conditional, even if the only condition is, “respect the value of what is being given.”

i think that condition is the most important key to making love unconditional.
September 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on

sometimes when you search for other people to give you the answers, you realize that the only person who can give them to you, who can help you out of this, is yourself. that’s why no one could ever give me what i needed. i have to be able to get these things from myself.

what i am to you, is not real. 
i know people are scared to get close to me sometimes because they’re afraid to see into themselves. my honesty can be blatantly reflective.
so i make up lies about why when i know why. every person looks for a reflection of themselves in other people. if you want to have a real partnership, you have to find someone who’s seen himself and accepted it. but i don’t really want that because i’m still looking for a reflection myself. so that’s why my deep interactions are unconscious, people seeking and projecting reflections. i know who he is in this relationship is not really who he is, but completely who he is. he’s also wearing what i ask him to wear whether it fits him or not. i also know that i am exactly who i truly am but also what he wants to see in me. i don’t know much else from his perspective because i just can’t see it. 
is it fair? is it balanced? does it matter? we’re seekers. but sometimes it’s hard to face the hard truths, because those hard truths are lonely journeys inside ourselves and we’re afraid to take the dive alone.
what i am to you
is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new
just a phase of finding what i really need…is what makes me bleed…

but not anymore. i found the secret in how to stop wanting things with sharp edges last year. i can always go back to that craving like an addiction, but why would you want me to? to everyone who’s connected to me this year–i can see your pain when it mirrors my own and i can show it to you, as well as show you the beauty of what you were before you lost your innocence. this is why we meet. this is what i can give. i can’t do it if you raise too much darkness in me so that i start fighting imaginary demons instead of focusing on the real positives i can give. 
i don’t want to hurt myself anymore. i haven’t in a really long time and my life has been very positive, completely free of the negativity of my past. i just stopped caring about it. i can still write about the darkness but i prefer to write about the light and hope that the divine source where creativity comes from will grant me the imagination to write about the darkness without having to touch it. but even so, i will not go back to it. why? because it never really owned me. it thought it did, but it didn’t.
so i want you, knowing me, knowing what i can give when i’m strong, to ask yourself if you really want me to wrestle with your darkness. to wrestle with your darkness means to wrestle with my darkness which is fine if it’s helping you, but i know i can offer something much better. 
really ask yourself, what kind of story would you like this to be?
 
September 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on

i was supposed to have flown back today and i’m still here. good decision or bad decision? in a way, i need contact with my old life, with friends and loved ones so i can gain perspective on this period of my life whose purpose was to allow me to gain perspective on my old life. now i need the enlightened old to triangulate a perspective on the “new,” this place where i’ve come for better or for worse. i have definitely seen the shadow, coming face to face with it, tasted it, heard it, felt it, believed it. and now i need to know to what extent it is still working, to propel me to understanding through polarity, or by pushing me towards my own self-destruction.

i’m so deep in the well, so deep in the murky water that i no longer know which way is up. while it’s not a problem in terms of drowning since this whole thing started because i learned how to breathe underwater in my dreamscape and thus, be able to breathe in the face of emotional/existential crisis, i don’t want to lose my bearings. i don’t want to stay in this water forever. 
i want to be careful that i’m not fucking myself over by going too deeply in the wrong direction.
September 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on