i was promoting today and ran into a group of guys from england in town for a stag party. they were sitting on the patio outside a pub and all had matching shirts with nicknames on the back. the one named garb waved me down and told me he loved me. i talked to them to find out about who was getting married but mostly, to promote the show. they said that they had a friend inside who was talking up a chick and asked if i would go up to him and tell him not to be such a slut. which guy, i asked. his t-shirt says STD on the back. his name’s sid, but we changed it to STD, they said. you want me to pretend to be his angry girlfriend?, i ask. yeah!, they say. you want me to slap him, i ask. yeah!!, they say. how about throw a beer in his face?, i ask. yes!!, they all say almost orgasmically.
what if the girl freaks out, i ask. he just met her, they say. she won’t do anything.
but i know, the last time i played this joke, things went a bit pear-shaped (circa 1998–dublin’s, sunset strip. my friend louis chatting up this girl after closing and i go up pretending to be his girlfriend who’s caught him talking to another girl. even though i’m the supposed girlfriend, this ho tries to fight me, prompting security to run up and put louis of all people in a chokehold). they insist so finally i give in. hell, it’s so hard for me to say no to a practical joke.
so i walk in and sid (aka std) is a burly guy with a shaved head. a bit intense looking. he’s sitting at the bar talking to a girl in her mid 20’s. i put my head next to him and stare until he turns around. i look pissed. you told me you were going back to the hotel room, i say like i’m spitting venom. strangely enough, he stares at me like a dog who’s been caught eating out of the garbage, tail between his legs. what the fuck are you doing?, i ask him. he just stares at me with that beaten look. it was strange. the way he was reacting, it was like i really was his girlfriend who’d caught him cheating. so i hit/shove him on the shoulder and storm out (never slapped anyone in the face and wasn’t gonna do it to that poor guy).
his mates are all standing in the doorway laughing their heads off. behind me i hear sid make some exclamation of relief. they high five me on the way out and ask if i’ll be their guide tonight. i ask if they can guarantee that i won’t get vomit on my shoes and they can’t, so i tell them that i’m cooking dinner for my partner tonight but wish them a good trip. in a way, part of being a resident (albeit temporary resident) of amsterdam is helping to create memorable moments for tourists.
i did pass by a little while later and saw that sid was sitting with his mates and the girl had joined them. glad to see that the little stunt hadn’t hurt his prospects.