Echo

i wasn’t prepared for how much it hurts. i’m sorry, i wasn’t.

Okay. the Happier exercises i’ve been putting off. turning them in on the last day.

Sentence stems then answers.

Being in love means…finding the one. finding my home. being a safe haven for the one i love. finding someone that i would do anything for, not out of obligation which is how a lot of people get me to do things, but because i truly want to, great or small. i want to know everything about this person, i want to know every high, every low, every scratch, every trauma. every rivalry, every achievement, every love. i want to feel the breadth of life through their fingers, understand their path and how they got to become the person i know. i want them to tell me, because they are so positive of their love for me and feel it so tangibly, that all of these things are just the inevitable stories that brought us together. by sheer will i want to wash away corners of their darkness and give them a safe place to truly rest and feel at peace. it means i can finally feel at home being consistently the person i am knowing that it is safe and brings happiness to the only person who sees me. it means wanting to know everything, every feeling, every thought, every sensation, by way of knowing and the peace it comes with. being in love means knowing someone deeply and being known deeply and the bond being real. it means me having the freedom to expand and show who i really am, and being not just accepted, but loved for it. it means looking at my partner and knowing he is as much a part of my life and my destiny, that he’s as familiar to me as my own body. it means trust, that i will fight to the death anyone who dares to threaten you, and should i ever be blindsided, you always fight for me. it means knowing for sure, because there can only be one, and everyone else was someone who helped to prepare me to recognize the one. it means knowing that you have come from where i’ve come and are going where i am going. it means i finally give up my secrets, though they weren’t so much secrets as things i couldn’t seem to get people to understand. being in love for me, means i finally got something that i really wanted because it’s actually mine.

to be a better friend…i could clear up my issues and obsessions so i have more time and attention to keep up with their lifes and their welfare. i always felt that if there is a good connection with someone, no matter how much time passes, they will always be there. i know sometimes i can fall out of touch for years, a decade. some of it has to do with my feelings about my life and my environment at any given time, so if i didn’t like the stage i was at, i tended to feel like people either didn’t notice me or didn’t like me either. mostly, sometimes i just get so obsessed with the meaning that i’m searching for, the expression that i’m looking for that it’s hard for me to keep up with too many people. i always appreciate it when people get in touch with me and i always try to respond thoughtfully. i truly feel though if i could sort out my own mess and get more focused, that in itself will make me a better friend because i’ll have more time, attention, energy and perspective.

to be a better partner…i would be more patient and not get frustrated so quickly. i will take more space to formulate what i’m saying, or not kick someone in the nuts figuratively just because they’re being stupid in any given moment. see more of the positive and not focus on the things that need to be worked on. allow people to say what they want to say and finish, even if i disagree. not make threats to leave. not make promises i’m afraid to keep. broach difficult topics with more tact, consideration, compassion and patience. ask more questions. stop demanding things from someone who can’t or doesn’t want to give it. it doesn’t make me or the other person feel better.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my romantic relationship…i would argue less. when i get irritated, to bring it up in a lighter way rather than aggressively. be more patient and don’t punish even if i have a right to be angry. make him feel like he has enough space to be human.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my friendships…i would pick up the damn phone more often and actually call people.

to bring love to my life…i could not expect so much in such an idealized form, so that i could be happy with what i have.

i am becoming aware…that it comes down to two theories: you have to work at all relationships no matter what so even if a relationship seems to be clashing, you have to work through it; or, if you find the right relationship, even though there will inevitably be disagreements, overall, the two people are able to work well together cooperatively as equals. i feel the 2nd. i really, really want that.

if i take more responsibility for fulfilling my desires…i would follow my intuition and get back on track. i would stop trying to make the most out of what little i have, and go seek out the place where the resources are abundant. i would not be afraid to ask life for more, for what i deserve, and do whatever it takes for me to achieve it.

if i let go and allow myself to experience what love feels like…it feels like heaven and hell. the deciding factor is if you want it. if this particular brand of heaven and hell is the one that you suits you the best.

dec 14th commitment:

i like mysteries, but i don’t want to build my life on one.

last day. last day. it’s like cleaning up the last day of school. always hated it. things change so much when you don’t see them every day.

with last days of school, i didn’t know what might change when i came back. i like things to stay in the same place as where you left them.

it’s really hard. it’s been very challenging but you can’t help but feel strong attachment because it meant something. you went to battle together. you wish you could just work together. but you can’t force anyone to do anything. you hear the voices of the people who love you. you know they would want you to do what’s true to yourself. you can’t help but think that if things were really meant to be, they would work out that way no matter what. so does anything matter if everything works out the way it should in the end, as long as you are doing what you feel is always in the best of interests for you and the ones you love?

dec 14th evaluation

last year i wrote this:

I wanted to be honest that even though I’ve told lies before, it’s never been to be malicious. That’s not who I am. You see, this is what people sometimes don’t understand. Some people lie because they’re assholes, or to take advantage of people, or because they’re pathological, but sometimes, lies can actually be good intentions. Sometimes lies come from an honest place, more honest than the actual truth. Sometimes lies are what keep things okay, you know? What keeps people from forgetting the things that paralyze them in the middle of the night like a deadweight on their chest, what keeps the world from eating its insides out until it can’t remember what it was trying to be in the first place. Sometimes people need to believe in lies, the way they need to know their alarm clock is gonna go off at the same time every morning just because that’s the way they set it, or that the person they wake up next to is still the same person they went to sleep with. Sometimes lies keep things in the right place so you can always find them, even though the truth is, nothing, ever, stays in one place forever…no matter how much you want it to. But I want you to know that you can trust me, because I’m going to tell you everything.

what i did not take into calculation, was that you can’t tell anyone anything if they don’t want to hear it.

i know he said it. and for one long moment, the questions suddenly had answers and they were things i felt i could deal with. it overwhelmed me with such compassion and relief, a hope that finally, things would begin to heal, that i couldn’t find words. i could only pull him into a tight hug and just feel close…his heartbeat driving the current within me. in this sudden window of being in the here and now, i thought i really saw him, thought we’d finally found our starting point where we could begin to get to know each other by finding where it was we got lost. but then he took it away.

i’m lost in understanding how i’ve come to this place in my life where i’m being told that i can’t trust my senses.

mind control.

you get accused of it even when you’re not.

maybe you are. you’ll believe it if they try hard enough, but part of you hopes that they won’t.

what the other side is like is lines and numbers where things come in backwards. its logic and reason and truth as cement and truth as delusion. i saw the seer who gained knowledge by blinding himself after a deep wound to his heart.

and i can not accept him because his heart isn’t mine.

you have always asked me whether i’ve given my heart away. you’ve used so many people to ask me and i lie every time. i told you i will tell you the truth when i see you. i don’t know why you don’t believe my resolve in this. you will get the truth when i see you. just make up your mind if you’re ready to get it.

why sex? because sex is where people hurt each other, intentionally, unintentionally. they don’t know what it can be about. i took the time to figure it out and i found something really transformational. i had to give up my naivete to get it, but i see that the knowledge has brought a lot of positive things into my life. i’m only as honest as people allow me to be. it has to do with people not being able to handle the truth. it’s hard for everyone. seriously. but the people who move on quicker are the ones who take a deep breath and just confront it with their eyes open.

live the life you want to live. if you’re content, then you decide who you want in your life and who you don’t. build it. right or wrong, just build it the way that makes your insides feel the most ease.

i already have a home. it’s a matter of who i’m waiting for.

here i am.

december 14th, at the midway point.

sitting at the shore with everything before me.

and the truth resounds, echoing and echoing against the entire skyline and ocean before me.

and the only person that matters doesn’t seem to be there.

sometimes it’s not about what you want. you can want something so badly, want it so much that it’s the only thing you can think about, the only thing that you want to believe, want it so badly that it feels like you’ll let the entire universe collapse before you give up on it…until suddenly, there’s a moment where everything stands still and you have to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.

i guess there always comes a time in a person’s life where the universe wants you to see that sometimes you can want something with your entire being, but at the end of the day, you don’t have any control.

sometimes the only control you have is what you do.

i’ve always been a fucking idiot. optimist. too much heart. thinking that if i’m realistic about my optimism, it would keep me safe. i always believed that if i want something badly enough with the right intentions, and i believe in it enough, that i’ll get it. since i was born, there’s really only been one thing i’ve ever wanted. a reunification. with the person i lost on the other side.

i’m starting to feel more and more, like the universe is teaching me a lesson. not to be cruel, but because it has to.

today i am so profoundly sad, i can’t feel where i end and the universe begins. everything feels so infinite that there’s no more me within it, and i’m slowly dissipating.

like smoke.