i’m in a great mood today. a bit of a rollercoaster, but it was raining today, so it was very peaceful to be home.

tomorrow i start a new era. new gym.

actually two new gyms. one on each coast. that’s been a real positive. gyms are like homes to me and having new expansive places to explore has been exactly what i need.

today was a day filled with beauty and light.

February 6th, 2009 | Comments Off on

honey, your kids are on drugs:


i love folk implosion.

February 6th, 2009 | Comments Off on

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February 3rd, 2009 | Comments Off on

i refer back to this quote:

why cry over a guy who makes you cry? if a guy makes you cry, he’s not worth crying over.


*****

it’s nothing but words. words and words and more words. they’re like greeting cards. generic little feel good blurbs, offers of hope that apply to anyone, that apply to no one. they’re said because you expect it’s what i want to hear but where’s the substance? i have a brain. i have eyes. i have heart. i can see if the words have nothing behind them. i know your history of actions. you’ll say anything when you’re scared to lose, but as soon as you have what you want, you sit in your corner and forget about any promises you ever made. didn’t think i noticed that, did you? maybe you didn’t either. you don’t want me. when it comes to what you want, your feelings and needs always come first. you don’t respect me. you are just too used to getting what you want from women. do you really think that’s love? sounds pretty spoiled to me.
words and words and more words. with no heart. no action. no future. no connection. no effort. a stew without meat. a hearth without fire. a life with no future. the fingers of a greedy man, a needy man, offering nothing in return. but crumbs. and his ocean of hurt that he wants you to fix for him…or else. his instant ability to change face and take away all warmth and punish you when you ask him to fulfill his lofty promises.
(you want to make god laugh? tell him your excuses)
don’t you know who you’re talking to? don’t you know who i am?
obviously not. because you offer illusions. dangling carrots of things that might be, could be, in some faraway place and future, never wanting to do the work to make them the way things are. just words and words and more words. lazy words that just don’t add up to anything honest.
sometimes a person only knows words, because he’s lost his sense of truth. open up, butterfly. anything short of a complete confession, you lose.
oh the lies. all the lies. those were a riot. i almost destroyed myself over how often i fell for the lies. how disappointed i was over your inability to take responsibility, to be strong and honest. stupid girl, always trusting. until i realized the door was open and i am free to walk out and not put up with this unworthy bullshit. to never look back. and then i remembered who i am. my strength. i remembered truth. i am beautiful for trusting. you are weak for lying.
what you did was wrong on so many levels. i don’t owe you anything. intimacy is not playing 20 questions to piece together the mystery of your partner, fearing the uncovering of more lies, the unveiling of a coward. there are enough amazing people in this world who want you to get to know the real them than to pull teeth with someone who doesn’t.
nothing but truth will touch me anymore. i won’t be tricked again. your words are empty boxes, gift wrapped with nothing inside. you’ll never catch me falling for empty promises again. i deserve better. i am better. i deserve people who love me in a way that is loving and positive, and not painful and destructive. it really is that simple. i will never get bullied or talked out of the happiness i know i deserve again.
as for you, figure it out or don’t. it never was my problem. i was nice enough to help, but it was never my problem. it was yours. i’m tired of going in circles because you love your words and excuses more than you love truth.
February 1st, 2009 | Comments Off on

trust

in 5th grade, there was this girl, mary christian. she was tall with long, straight brown hair and a face that kind of looked like a horse. but i hung out with her because she read a lot and we could always talk about books. she once told me that her mom made the best butterscotch. being the food nut that i was, since i’d never had butterscotch, i asked her if i could try some. she said that she could sell me a pound for a penny. so i gave her a penny and she promised she would get some.
the next day i found her at recess and asked her if she’d brought the butterscotch. she told me her mom would make it over the weekend so she would bring it then. the next monday, i asked her about it and she told me she’d forgotten it. she managed to keep this up for a good few months with me asking her every few days, and her coming up with an excuse. it took me a really long time to realize that no one sells a pound of butterscotch for a penny, and to come to the realization that mary had lied to me and had been playing a joke at my expense. but she had me going for months. i think at first, i really wanted to try butterscotch, but then it became a desire to not realize that mary had lied to me and that i’d been so naive. 
to this day, i still want to see the best in people. i find so often, people will sell me a bill of rights to something that’s pure potential, or which doesn’t exist. sometimes i hate that about me. that i’m so open to trusting people and that they all have noble intentions, like me. then i remember that it’s the people who are dishonest and take advantage of those who put their trust in them who are sad and incomplete.
February 1st, 2009 | Comments Off on
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