Sun in the Eleventh House 11th hs
You have a natural desire and ability to turn yourself into an eminently desirable partner for almost anyone you meet.
yes, it’s quite a skill, isn’t it? at least it couldn’t belong to a sweeter person. don’t hate. if you’re a good person, you could gain from it. i’m generous by nature. but please be honorable and don’t take advantage of the openness.
and babe, i’m just like the best thing, that could happen, happen to someone…
-ambulance ltd
i want to be the best thing that happens to someone. and on the flipside, i’m looking for the person who is the best thing to happen to me.
the ghost of the past haunted me in my dream last night. i can’t remember the exact dream, but i’ve felt the traces of him in wisps at the edges of my periphery all day.
he won’t get anything from me.
the sun’s going down. tonight’s a full moon and i want to go out but i don’t know where yet.
if happiness were water, i’d never run dry
i’m very happy right now, very in love with life.
if loneliness were a flower, it would wither and die…
i think a lot of it has to do with being strong, self-contained and single.
i don’t want to give it up right now.
i don’t want to give up myself, my power.
my biggest weakness…oh that sweetness i get a taste of and it becomes my whole world. i feel like i finally got the last round out of my system and am strong again.
so now…tabula rasa.
love? sex? can there really be a beneficial balance when i give it so much power? when it takes so much power from me? i don’t know. i’m not ready to find out yet.
and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.
i will when i’m ready.
and the voice inside whispering,
one day you’re gonna jump so high
the world’s not gonna be here when you come back down
as i closed my eyes
and lept.
So I ran into Missed Connections guy.
I was at this bar, wrapping up a crazy 3 hour conversation with this hipster who had been sitting next to me, when I decided, I had not really effectively people watched. That there was someone else I needed to talk to. So after a conversation that took us through number theory and him telling me that tonight was one of the most amazing nights of his life, that he had run into the only girl he had ever loved earlier in the evening and was feeling alone like no one understood him when I sat down next to him. And because I’m me and because of the way I speak, he felt truly understood, like someone on the outside could see him, so it meant he wasn’t disappearing. He said that because I had so much faith in this search for whatever it is I’m searching for, it gave him hope that there was someone out there perfect for him, someone whom, when you’re on your deathbed, you think about them and say, my life has been happy ever since the moment I met you. We started talking about my life and I told him I was looking for my Alfred, the loyal right-hand man who makes sure Batman can be Batman. He was telling me that while I wanted an Alfred, Alfred can take care of me but I will never see him as my partner. We talked for a while, but at some point I realized that I’d spent the whole night in this conversation, and something made me feel there was someone else I needed to talk to. So I told him that I’m actually supposed to meet someone tonight.
Who?, he asked.
I don’t know, I said.
What do you mean you don’t know?
My life is like that, I said. Once, I dropped a hat into the ocean and I watched it sink into the darkness. And I’ve always thought, if I ever find that hat again, even if I’m 80 years-old and walking on the beach an entire world away, I would accept that as hard proof of God and Universe.
He started laughing. I wish I could see you the moment you find your hat, he said. I bet when you do, you will be the most beautiful person because you’re going to be radiating an absolute happiness.
That thought made me so happy. I really hope I find that person that I’m missing so badly and who just always seems so familiar inside these strangers.
So as I’m getting done telling him about how when I come to this bar, I tend to meet the right people that I need to talk to at a given time, I look past him and there’s Missed Connections guy.
I started laughing so hard my legs turned to jelly. I thought Missed Connections guy saw us because he was looking right at us, and then he kept looking over. I was too scared to go over because I didn’t know what to say. I told the guy the story about Missed Connections guy…probably the fastest I’ve ever told a story.
You need to go over there, he said.
I know, I said. But I’m scared. What if he’s a dick? What if he’s dumb? What if this is just an illusion and just another joke from the universe?
You have to go over there, he said.
I tried to have him go over there and ask the guy to come over, but instead, he turns around and starts talking to these girls.
I got the guy’s attention and waved him over. He looked confused, then pointed at his friend like he wasn’t sure who I wanted. But I pointed at him. He motioned that he needed to get another beer first and would come over after, but then he and his friends (a little group of men and women) formed a huddle.
I was feeling kind of dumb like, what now, and I just had a feeling this wasn’t going to turn out magical. It didn’t feel right.
Finally, he came over. That guy’s eyes…he had amazing, soulful eyes, but what I found out was that they’re like a blind man’s. He’s a sound guy, he takes in through his ears, he expresses through his hands, but it’s like his eyes are so deceptive…so much depth, like an ocean, but…I don’t know. They don’t see.
He remembers me waving at him at the restaurant, he remembers the incident and thinking that I was cute, but he didn’t equate me with that girl. And apparently after I put up the missed connection, someone called him the next day at 9am asking if he’d been at that restaurant, then forwarded the missed connections post to him. He remembered being at the restaurant, but didn’t remember me at the restaurant, or at the bar last month, or when I was standing close to him and trying to get him to come over, he stared right at me and didnt’ react. Strange, that this man could be looking right at me, and yet I exist in some sort of blind spot. We talked for a while, the dude is pretty fucking interesting and funny, but I just had this strong feeling that someone had played a really big joke on me. I kind of wanted to get out of there because my head was twisted.
I didn’t want another beer and he said he had to get back to his friend’s birthday thing, so I left. Got home and laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering why the universe or my brain would trick me like that. Is it mocking how easily I follow connections? To lead me to a guy who looks overwhelmingly familiar only to find a blind man who can’t see me?
If this question has an answer, then perhaps we’ll run into each other again, I had written in the Craigslist post.
We did and there was no answer. When I asked him, who are you? He said, “I’m just a guy who hangs around Venice.” When I asked, “Do we know each other?” He said, “You’ve probably just seen me around because I’m always out and about.”
Paper lantern.
Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.
I followed the light to something beautiful but empty inside. There was no connection. So then, why had it led me to something false?
What Happened In Vegas… (aka, a Win for the Ladies)
So this is the story.
I met this guy in Vegas because his friend was talking to my cousin (the bachelorette) at Pure, and we started talking. The conversation actually started because he was taking pictures of my cousin in a drunken vulnerable state posing with his friend, and I wanted to see the pictures to make sure they wouldn’t be something that my cousin would soberly regret. He showed them to me and I told him he could spend a couple minutes enjoying them, savoring them, but then he had to delete them. We started talking but I got pulled away by my cousin in the middle of the conversation. She pulled me so hard, in fact, that as I spun on heels with a 50/50 chance of a face plant, I thought of the movie “The Sweetest Thing,” and how this scene was like the one in the club, and that if this guy was meant to connect with me, he would find a way. He seemed like a really nice guy.
I guess my cousin had given his friend her number so the groups could meet up the next night, but the next day, while she was sober, I showed her the pictures of the guy she was talking to and she was grossed out, so when he kept texting her to find out where we were going, she ignored him. Later that night, the guy I was talking to, Rob, texted her and said he wanted to see me again and if she could give me his number. Actually, she showed me that message and I didn’t know who it was, and it didn’t occur to me until 4 hours later who he was. That’s because he told me to just call him John after I asked him for his name again and he was offended I didn’t remember (I knew it started with an R but wanted to ask again just to make sure and be polite). That should have been the first sign.
So I texted him that we were going to this club Tao at the adjacent hotel, and he said he was leaving Palms and would meet me there in a few minutes. It’s like almost 4am. We get to the hotel and find out Tao is closing, so we go upstairs and I tell my cousin this guy is coming to meet me. She tells me not to meet him despite the fact he came all the way to our hotel, that he’s probably just after sex, and then he texts me that he’s downstairs at the bar. So I call him and tell him I can’t meet because there are girls throwing up and I have to take care of them. He’s telling me to come down just for one drink and I say I can’t, but that if he still feels compelled to get to know me in a week, to call me. So he says he will. Later, he texts that he just won $200 at the crap table because of me. I immediately text back if 9 had anything to do with it. He said, “Of course, 9 on the field hit twice.”
If you know me, you know about me and the number 9 (as well as 29). I can’t resist 9’s. I will follow 9’s everywhere. So this makes me think, maybe I do need to see what this guy’s about.
At the same time, my cousin wants me to go downstairs with her to buy water. While we’re at the store, I notice the craps tables are right there so I text him to find out where he is. He says he’s in the lobby about to leave and asks where I am. I say that I’m close to the lobby. So we meet up. He’s very friendly but my cousin’s super belligerent and protective, giving him a hard time about who he is. They’re going back and forth and it’s not the best situation to get to know someone, so I want out. I say I’m going to bed and he leaves saying he’ll call. We text a bit, and he says he would like to see me again.
Fast forward to last night, I get a text from him to send over my email address so he can send pics he took of us from the night we met. As soon as I get his email with his full name, OF COURSE I run through the net to find out what there is about him. My largest function in life is as a human search engine.
So I happen to find his flicker site. Ooh, he likes to take a lot of photos like me, I think.
Then I see that there seems to be one recurring girl. A pretty, sweet looking Hawaiian one, and the two of them seem to travel everywhere together. EVERYWHERE. The kicker was that the most recent pictures of the happy couple are dated LAST WEEK.
This dude has a girlfriend! And I have strong feelings about men who cheat. I was uber-irritated. The evidence was pretty overwhelming, but I didn’t want to jump out of left field, so I let it play out a bit.
Here’s our email exchange:
From: Rob
To: Julia
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 9:55:18 PM
Subject: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Here ya go. Let me know if they went through ok.-Rob
(At this point, I’ve already found the flickr site and that he has a girlfriend. But I want to bide my time while I think how I want to handle it.)
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:10:41 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
.
I got one pic. The attached two are the best I can do without getting accused of disloyalty and kicked in the balls. How was the drive back? Did you stop for a milkshake?
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:40:06 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
These work. Thanks for risking your safety. Well, I only got 1 hour sleep yesterday and while we were driving through Baker I was asleep in the car and didn’t tell my cousin to stop…obviously. I figure that is your fault for keeping me up to ’til 6 in the morning. You have a good trip back? We hit some traffic part of the way, which was lame.
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:55:29 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Can’t complain. Left earlier than I planned and got back with still plenty of day to enjoy.
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:06:53 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Cool, well have a good night. Still got 6 days before I give you a call.
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 11:16:01 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Goodness, there’s a countdown.
Sounds exciting.
You too.
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:44:36 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Haha…You said if I was ever worth seeing again, then I would call in 7 days. Just playing by your rules ;)
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 12:35:17 AM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
I said, “If you still feel compelled to get to know me, give me a call in a week.” That’s about the time it takes for people who spend a weekend stumbling around in the wee hours of Vegas to recover from desert fever and see straight again. You’re lucky you had the foresight to get a picture of me. Otherwise, for all you know, I could have been an 80 year-old drag queen from Thailand who just happened to capitalize on timing to charm your intoxicated little butt silly. And then wouldn’t you have been horrified if you’d shown up to meet me and I didn’t *quite* look anything like that idealized, romantically-hazy memory of the beautiful, sweet island girl you met somewhere in the vicinity of a high traffic stripper pole who faintly reminded you of someone else’s mother? For god sake, Thailand! That’s just disappointing. But I bet you would have sat through dinner just to be polite.
But
you’re lucky. I don’t seem to be a geriatric Thai tranny. And the only rules in life are the ones you make. So put your seatbelt on then…let’s countdown! Should every day have a different theme? With its own theme song? Should we like…get outfits or something? Maybe if we blow the socks off this countdown, the great sign that we’re meant to connect again will be the night skies across the country filling with fireworks. I know, this is Nostradamus crazy shit out of left field, but you know, life is about faith and magic. ;)
Good night,
Julia
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:41:25 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John).
Is this your way of asking me out to dinner? You could have just asked. And yes, I am really glad that you weren’t some cute Thai dude, that would have made our time at Palazzo’s a little awkward.
You are so cynical and spunky, though, I kind of dig it. First, I was the type of guy you thought might slip roofies in drinks, then you wouldn’t have been surprised if I took dirty pics of girls at Pure, now I was so smashed that I wouldn’t have been able to tell you were a girl in her 20’s. Did I really seem that out of it to give you the impression that I wouldn’t have known that you weren’t 80 years old? I need to work on that.
If you can’t wait the whole 6 days before I drum up the courage to call you, then just say the word and we can end this countdown business. I believe in fate too and if it is meant to be, then my dream of you last night coming from the clouds and meeting me in Santa Barbara will come true!
-Rob
(what? I’ve gotta drive all the way to Santa Barbara to see his lazy, cheating ass? This was the last straw. )
From: Julia
To: Rob
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:45:44 -0700
Where you say “cynical and spunky,” I say “quality with an ear for truth.” I *might* have been willing to consider a meal with you since I do quite like food (I try to partake every day) and I am a delightful conversationalist, my biggest curiosity would be how that silver tongue of yours plans to sell this fated encounter to your girlfriend, when she really should be dumping your ass.
******
Hey Rob. Have you ever been fucked by a writer?
Well you just have.