Echo

A long time ago I dated a guy who took offense when I told him I don’t like to drink orange juice in the morning. I like orange juice but it can sometimes make me feel queasy if I drink it first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

He said to me, but you’re lying. I’ve seen you drink orange juice in the morning, and the topic was something that he couldn’t wrap his head around and yet, he couldn’t let go of. I’m serious. He was really perturbed by it, like it was proof of something.

I couldn’t understand why he was so black-and-white and couldn’t understand that I could “not like to drink orange juice in the morning” and yet have been observed drinking orange juice in the morning. Both are true and can co-exist without me being a liar. Sometimes contradictions are incredibly truthful.

For example, I don’t like to drink orange juice in the morning.

But a stronger piece of coding in my brain, is that I shouldn’t waste food.

So if someone pours me orange juice in the morning, I will drink it so I don’t waste it, and also to be polite.

But then, I don’t like to waste food.

But when I’m nervous because I’m feeling shy, it’s hard for me to eat.

So sometimes I will waste food by not eating when I’m feeling shy.

I’m very shy.

But my mind is so hungry for information and understanding, that my curiosity makes me initiate open communication with people, and strive to make them feel comfortable so they will be open.

So even though I’m shy and often feeling anxiety inside when talking to people I don’t know really well, I will still be talkative and actively trying to engage.

I’m an incredibly sociable being that needs to interact with people.

But because interacting with people taxes my energy and focus, the more human interaction I have, the more space and time I need to myself to recharge and reflect.

So even if I can be the life of a party, I’m inherently an introverted, hermit type who’s usually found at home.

The thing I need most and crave most is a secure, home base.

And by having that, it gives me the freedom to feel emotionally safe to travel and explore.

I’m obsessed with being honest and tend to be very straightforward. But because I perceive truth as being so multidimensional, sometimes people perceive me as being abstract or cryptic when I’m at my most honest.

I don’t have an answer for any of this, only that it’s true. Brian always describes me as a human contradiction, two polar opposites that on any given day or time, is somewhere in the spectrum between the two. I just don’t like being called a liar, unless I’m actually not telling the truth.

But there are ways you can answer a question honestly without telling the truth.

The world and its meanings are very big to me. Easy to perceive, hard to understand.

horses.

you put blinders on them and they’ll run for you.

otherwise, all they want to do is find different types of grass to taste.

google trends. great tool.

bloom box.

You never have as much time as you think.

First, the background.

Ezekiel 23:30:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Then, the revelation.

Woman on message board:

Can anyone explain Ezekiel 23:20 ? I need to explain it to my child?

Pumpernickel. Etymology. Who knew.

what happens to the man when the butterfly is awake?

i had a conversation with my dad on friday in the car that turned out not to be true. he told me my cousin and his girlfriend asked for two tickets to the game. he said he couldn’t give them to edward because edward’s in china. but the game was on sunday, and on saturday, edward came to the party at our house. so he wasn’t in china. so i asked my dad where the tickets were for my cousin and his girlfriend, but he looked surprised and said, they’re not going to the game. i said he told me they were and that he gave them an extra ticket because edward’s in china. he said he didn’t remember having the conversation, because none of that was true (my cousin wasn’t going to the game, edward wasn’t in china).

i can tell you where we were, where we were going, what was said, what radio station was on when we had that conversation. and yet, why would he have said those things when they weren’t true? or can it be that somewhere, this conversation didn’t happen at all?

next big day, feb 28th.

msg sent.

hard to understand, easy to accept.
easy to accept, hard to understand.

Some people do not live in this world as much as others.

The person who has woken up here is not the same person I was before the surgery. Is it the gap in consciousness that made me change, or did the gap just make it an easy explanation for my perception of it? How is it I can change so much and be the same?

Either always give your real name, or never give your real name. No in between.

Imagine coming into this world so honest to discover a dishonest world. And because it doesn’t really exist, you can’t live there.

What are roots? What is family? When in the end, you have to trust an ocean to give you proof of finding anything?

I dropped my keys in the ocean, and one day I’ll find them again. In whatever form they may come.

julia is the secret shaker.