Echo

What I’m practicing is shooting at any time.
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I will be as honest with you as I can possibly be. Just try very hard not to scare me.
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Thanks for the tow, C.
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Oh Julia…you are so honest and so completely deceptive. What to do, what to do.
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I will never tell him how I feel because of what an incredibly selfish act that would be.
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I remember the day there’d been a fight on the basketball courts, Jerry wouldn’t play 2 on 2 with me. He was afraid of the vibe, that there was bad energy here. But that was the day I went on an out of character scoring rampage.

Sarah and Jef want to take over my online dating profile. They’ve declared, “By God, if the three of us combined can break up with your boyfriends, we can for sure find true love.” I don’t do anything with my OkCupid profile. So I said sure. I’ll give you my log-in. Part of me worries about the dark scary road we’ll go down when the two of them get too deep into impersonating me, but I have time to decide.

I don’t know what it is, but a part of him declared me an enemy today, and I’m not sure if he realizes this, but yes, it would probably feel worse if he does.

I was pretty focused today, got a lot of work done, but I knew I was very sad. I talked to Jerry about it and I said it was like if he came in with one of his basketball stories and I told him that he was thinking too much into it. And then when he got hurt and said he wouldn’t bring it up anymore, I called him a pussy.

And he said, “But that would never happen because you and I would never talk like that.” And immediately, I knew that once I was done holding my shit together in public for the day, I would end up somewhere tonight, crying over this.

It doesn’t have to be with him. Bohr and I talked about it for the first time face to face. “I never got a chance,” I said. “I know, they have a history, but for 10 years, I was open to it, and I just never got the chance. Now every day, I come to work and put that aside, and regardless, I’m happy for him.”

“I know you are,” Bohr said, and I could tell he meant it.

Today though, I kind of feel like I’m being punished. Not a declaration out of self-pity, but an observation  of the way things lined up today.

When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you got, I told Jerry. I was talking about Rich Rodriguez, Michigan’s head coach.

Karma’s a bitch. C’mon, Julia. Don’t let this touch you. Nothing is so fated that you can’t get away if you have to. You’re 5 months away from a good relationship. Don’t take this shit when it’s personal. You have zero obligation. Someone can’t respect himself, at least you have to respect yourself and not get taken down by twisted logic. I know why it hurts. But I also know you can walk away.
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Wtf is wrong with people today.
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The thing I’m scared of is reaching the top of the mountain only to grow old there alone. I worked so hard to be a good person, believing I had to be good for someone, but what if that boy in my dreams lost faith or even worse, never believed in me at all?

What does that make me?

I just texted Brian:

You filthy whore.

I’m not quite sure why I did it. But I figure if I throw a spear into the ocean, I might hit a fish.
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He’s giving himself the shake weight special.
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Dude, writers with lisps go hard.

-Saba
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If you can’t hear that baloney sandwich, you’re not doing it right
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The difference is seeing what you think you want because of fear, and what you really want.
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Love’s an empty language, if you never feel it.
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Just did a poetry reading. About gemini women. Room full of black guys giving me props. Love that energy.

I have so many opportunities in life, if I was just a little more aggressive…I could touch so much. I could taste it all.

But I pass it up.

Either I’m wasting opportunities, or I’m an extremely faithful person.

Please show me who I have been so faithful to.

Please let him be worthy of me. Please let him understand how to take care of me.
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