Echo

Phone pointed to the 31st and pointed to the photo of Venice Beach. I asked myself…if this was a sign, what would it be. June has 30 days, so July 31st, I should be in Venice Beach. But then I thought that wasn’t possible because I was leaving for Tahiti. I was just about to drop the idea when I thought…we leave from LA. So I will be there.
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When I’m not high, I’m always high.
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The only thing I know is I can’t go on this way…one foot in two worlds.
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If you talk about it, they feel bad but don’t understand, it’s still about them. If you do it, they feel worse. They think you’re selfish and they’re angry with you. At what point does anyone see things from my point of view? Is it only going to happen in hindsight? I can’t worry about other people anymore. I can’t expect anything from them. I can only do what feel right for myself.
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In hindsight, people will look back and wonder if they saw the signs, but the truth is, they never do even when it was always right there in front of them. We all are too focused on our own lives to notice the drowning of others. We are all drowning, each in our own ways. The end of the day, all we have is what we live for. And for some, what is here is just not enough to make the pain of facing an unwanted future bearable.
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i know what i need to prove. i need to prove that i can take over and control a game. if i’m a winner.

i haven’t been, in the past. i’ve always been talented, but i don’t get the win.

talent doesn’t matter now. i have to prove i can get the win.

You have to let go of her, to be with someone like me.

I’m kind of bummed because I have a thing for this guy who plays basketball at the gym, and rarely do I have a thing for someone and go out of my way. Ever since Seattle and the whole wanting only what’s mine thing, I’ve been cautious about not wasting my time, not feeling obligated spending time with people if I’m not feeling it. That’s caused more people than ever to approach me, and it’s funny because something about that, the unattainability, makes guys try harder. But end of the day, I just don’t have patience for it anymore. I want my partner. I want someone I can see myself having kids with, having a future with.

Otherwise I’m just gonna make a shitload of money, buy a mansion on a hill and live like Bruce Wayne.

So I like this guy–I can tell a lot about a person from the way he plays basketball and this guy works hard, is a great teammate, and is a very generous and positive person because like me, he’s always vocally encouraging on the court. Dark hair, neat beard, hazel eyes…something both masculine and gentle about him…he just does it for me. I really like him.

Except he’s just not that into me.

And I’m bummed.

I figured he had a girlfriend because something about him seems unavailable. I remember he left early once because he said he had to go pick someone up, and so I assumed it was a girlfriend or a kid. But it was funny because I had a feeling, so I went on match.com on a hunch, and found his profile. Said he just moved here from Pittsburgh for work and was new to the area.

I have a profile that’s hidden from using it on and off over the years, but the truth is outside of meeting up with people in my early 20’s when I first moved to LA, I’ve never been interested enough in anyone who’s contacted me on that site to do anything about it, so I don’t have a paying membership. I signed up just to be able to contact him, saying I just moved here, too, and if he was ever interested in a friend to meet up for coffee with, etc. He didn’t respond.

I saw him at the gym yesterday, the first time since writing him, but we were playing on different courts. On some level he was aware of me–from the opposite end of the gym, he was mirroring me. But I pretended I didn’t notice him, respecting his space. If he wanted to talk to me, he would.

I played a few games and was cooling down by shooting around. I found myself watching his game. He missed a shot and he got frustrated. I put believe into him, wanting him to embody the strength I saw him to have. He ended up disrupting the play on the defensive end, rebounded the ball in traffic, then hit a 3. I was so happy at what happened that I broke out in a huge smile. I felt radiant, laughing inside. As he ran back after hitting the 3, he happened to look up, saw me grinning, and looked almost surprised. He smiled a genuine, happy smile and said, “Oh hey!” and waved. It was a great feeling, to connect in that moment. And a part of me was happy that in his feel-good moment, he had looked over and seen me in my moment, so that he would associate his happiness with my smile.  

I left while he was still in his game.

I wish I had as much confidence in myself in personal matters as I do in professional. I go into every customer meeting so passionate. But here…I want the guy to want me. I want a guy to help me break down my walls. But I haven’t found that guy. I want someone who can see how invested I can be in their success and their feeling good about themselves, and appreciate that.

It’s even more frustrating because lately I’ve been so popular and meeting so many guys who are interested in me, but when it comes to the ones I’m interested in, I feel powerless.

In the rare moments when I meet a guy I want, I want him to want me back.

It’s so simple. But it feels like I’m consistently being denied.

Next week will mark my 11th month at this company and I’m already at $2 million in bookings. Haven’t even been here a full year and I’ve surpassed a lot of the sales guys! Happy about it because I’m also the only woman on the sales team. It was funny because they presented me with an award yesterday for being the 4th person in company history to join the Million Dollar Club (getting a $1 million order), but I was stuck talking to the vendor so I wasn’t even there. I heard the applause from the conference room and wondered what it was for. When I walked in, Jean asked me where I was and I thought I was in trouble for being late to the workshop but someone told me they just had a ceremony for me and it turned out I wasn’t even there. Bummer. But a great feeling. $2 million. Told you I was magnetic.

I stopped caring about everything, and somewhere in that, I got the freedom to care about what I wanted. Do I still have thoughts of suicide? Yes. But it is more than what that implies. I am in a place to face reality. In this manifestation, we all will die. I dedicate much of my focus to how our consciousnesses can maintain continuity beyond the human physical life cycle. Remember my ants/lifetime of travel analogy? I believe we can break it. I believe we will. But if I don’t make it within this conscious manifestation, then I want to prepare myself for reality. I was never a good planner, but I always had vision.
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Why I want my eggs frozen? Because one day people may want them.
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Make small compromises where you can to avoid making big ones because you have to.
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Play your opponent, not the ball.

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I think I’m just tired.
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What hurts most? Bohr leaving, Jerry not talking to me, my flip out at work today or the constant thoughts of suicide?
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