Echo

I’m not smiling at you because your outfit is stupid.

I keep the people who touch me far from the people who know me.

Sir Gawain and the Hag. I’ve told you the story. Either your beautiful wife can be herself in private and an old hag in public, or a hag in the bedroom and a beautiful woman in public. He lets her choose and by respecting her will, the curse is broken and she’s able to stay in her true form at all times.

This guy was so handsome. Talking about King Arthur’s knights like the boychild inside the tall dark man. I told him about Gawain. It’s not like he didn’t know.

Then the night the moon was full, he wanted to see me and I said follow the moon to find me. By a sporting arena, adjacent to a train station, under a double lucky number. And he called from the gate downstairs, asking if it was 88, asking me now that he’d found me, if we could look at the moon together.

He came up and he believed he was home. I could feel his heartbeat behind the trembling of his hand.

I want to be with you he said.

I told him. If we hook up, I won’t take you seriously. If you wait, you might discover the best of me.

It was the Sir Gawain conundrum.

He gave me a big long circular spiel. Semantics. Bottom line, he was willing to take the chance. He was over-confident and blinded by his ambition. Bottom line, he made a mistake.

I knew this would haunt him as it happened. I knew what we were planting in his mind.

The next day, I told him it would never happen again. I say what I mean and mean what I say and I could not take him seriously. He was dumbfounded. You were so self-involved, you never considered me. I told you if we hooked up, I wouldn’t take you seriously. And the bottom line is, you were willing to take that risk.

That’s the last time we spoke.

One of my guys is having a meltdown. You’ve gotta break your mold to grow into something else. Maybe I’m the one being tested. How honest do I dare to be and will there be point of no return consequences?

29. I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been curious what it would be like. It’s like watching the sun set and anticipating a full moon, but you know the time’s not right. But it’s there. You can feel it.

7/29/11. Finally. A 22.

The CEO whispers to me before the meeting…your last name…is she your mother?

I smile. One of us is The Mentor.

She nods, thinking she understands me. I laugh inside. Human assumption.

2011 Chinese Olympics Basketball Tournament (7/23-7/24)

29. Finally got my number. Bonnie (28) and I brought the swagger.

It was raining…

And raining…

We were relentless…

Because we’re gladiators.

This is what winners look like.

Bohr’s going away party. He wants to take a picture with me and Ellie and in the spirit of Gemini hijinx, I say, “Let’s take a picture grabbing her boobs.”

Bohr responds, “Only if you motorboat each other. You guys would drown.”

The challenge of my life has been to be both simultaneously. Achieve a clear-eyed balance.

I am capable of being so passionate and so logical.

I have no one to blame but my own lack of skillset to handle life.

Last night I had a dream we were at a company retreat, and I needed to change and Jerry was in my room helping me. It was very sweet and intimate and I was so grateful. I thanked him for helping me, and he said, of course. I know how much you care about me.

If you ever broke up with her, I would ask you to marry me.

I don’t know what my mental confusion is here.

I am fixated on a closed off man with a wounded heart who has in no way opened to me, outside of surprisingly showing up to basketball at my invitation. Astrologically, we are disastrous.

I meet a handsome Gemini who is so openly into me and probably the best match I have found to date, and yet I am wary because he’s black and I don’t want to disappoint my family. Or is it because I struggle with a man who is not into me? I can not be that stupid.

Or is it the day to day comfortability of the boy who feels like home, whom I can absolutely be myself with, who smiles every time he sees me, and no matter how stressed or shitty my day is, his smile lights up my soul and makes everything ok?

Julia loves Jerry. Period. My love for him is well documented. But it is platonic. And end of the day, he is engaged and I will always want him to be happy and will not interfere. Whatever is between us is between us, and for what it is, it’s important to me. I can not afford to lose his friendship.

I wish my heart could make practical decisions. I wish my heart was not so mysterious to me. I wish my heart could deal with reality.

He came today.

I was surprised.

The whole time I was thinking, totally my type but not into me.

Jerry was out of his element today. The whole gym was surprised because I’d brought a guy. He and I were close this week so I know he was aware. I of course lied about who the guy was. Said he was my friend. With Jerry, said he was a customer.

Here’s what’s funny. On Thursday, Jerry came out to lunch and he never does that. I was telling him I would hold it against a guy if he drove a porsche. I find guys who drive practical cars sexy, trying the whole time to be very careful not to give away the fact he drives an Accord and I like that about him. I said a practical car shows practical consideration and the ability to think long term. I told him if a guy showed up in a Volvo, I would find him sexy.

After basketball today, that guy and I were standing by his car talking and Jerry walked by and said bye.

It wasnt until I was walking away that I realized it was a Volvo.

I wonder if Jerry noticed, too.

The problem is

That i have a type, and that type hasn’t been good for me, but i seem determined to find one case in which it works.

I wish my mind could take pictures.

If you want to see your future, you will be there tomorrow.

From where it was all possible.

For whom it all began.

One door.

This guy is trying to sell me as a cuddler. Nails of one hand painted black, the other painted white. Of course i blew him off.

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