Found this page.
http://www.encognitive.com/node/1189
Lately all I want to eat is spinach, kale and raw grains and vegetables. I was browsing Whole Foods and found chlorophyllin drops. Said it was good for red blood cells and processing oxygen. Been wondering what this pretty deep green liquid is. If someone just sold me really expensive food dye. Interesting to actually read that chlorophyll is naturally occurring in dark leafy greens. My body is craving. My body is healing itself.
Hurricane Irene? It was a storm of miscommunications and we are just realizing the debris. This mercury retrograde was a strong one.
Whatever I am out of life, I want to be somewhere else. And more than anything, I am the seeker. All that’s past is all that’s past, and in the end it ends.
And in moments we touch and really feel each other, lives begin and end.
You step out and see in so many ways, we can not go back. Beyond action, there has to be grief.
What is it? Umami. That feeling deep inside. It’s at the edge of your mind. Some native understanding. A remembering. But the more you try to see its shapes and its lines, the more it slips into the shapeless. It becomes a favorite chewtoy. You find yourself returning to it, hours later. Days. Sometimes years. Until it finally loses its flavor. But you never forget the feeling. That sudden recognition of something ancient you’d forgotten.
I need someone to help me carry my load. I want someone who senses when I’m lonely but allows me to be alone.
When necessary I can flame my own passions but it takes a push. I find it ties to timing and recognizing the moments.
I’m glad I’m not a celebrity. Otherwise today’s sighting would read:
Seen walking through the Marina shopping center wearing workout clothes and holding a sports bra…
If you’re a leader, you have to accept at times you’re going to be alone.
There’s one thing to know what’s needed.
Another to stand in the face of doubt and say, even if you don’t believe, I have to try.
I was talking to my coworker at the end of the day about how the chiro said that all the stress and not eating was causing my body to burn muscle.
She said, I know what you’re tryin to do. You’re trying to become president.
The weirdest thing about the whole thing with Debra…well not the weirdest because it was all weird–the situation, how much it rained those months, my concurrent proliferation of poetry–it was that phone call when she apologized for the way she touched me. That it was inappropriate. And while it didn’t phase me because deep down I knew she would get something out of it, I also knew, so would I. What it was, I either didn’t know or didn’t care. Deep down, I probably knew full well what I was doing.
7 years later. So many things from 2004 resurfacing. Revisited. As strange encounters and curious quandaries.
One of my teammates on the girls team is a chiro. I remember when I first heard there was a chiro on the team I felt a spark of anxiety. I can’t figure out if it’s one of the girls I’ve already played with or one I haven’t met. I don’t know everyone’s name. But it’s a new girl.
She tapes my ankles at the tournament and to say thank you I send a fruit basket the following week because she said she eats healthy when I offered to bring her a cake.
I’m hurt and I know it. I haven’t been hurt like this in a while, where everything feels off. She tells me to come in and I say maybe but I know I won’t. She keeps emailing to tell me to go to practice so I go even though I’m too hurt to run more than a light trot. She’s excited to play against me and keeps trying to post me up, and she challenges me to one on one.
End of practice I mention to the team that I’m looking to set up my 43 year old coworker if they have friends and she says, what about me?, and I say, you have too much energy for him. He’s a FOB.
But who knows. I just don’t want anyone to disappoint anyone so I don’t always have confidence in these matters. I just try to put people in the same room.
Coach’s wife asks why I don’t date him, and I laugh and say, no way. My little nugget loves me and I love him but there’s no future. I can’t bear a world where we’ve had sex, even if no one ever knew but us. It irritated me last week when we were in a heated debate and Jerry told me later that he’d told another coworker that the two of us need to get a room to relieve the tension.
So I made a joke and said, if I can manage not to end up with a black guy, I’ll be happy. I said I always end up dating black guys.
Our team chiro says she dated a white guy once but it didn’t work out. I think, oh good. You’re not a lesbian. I briefly wonder if that makes me more willing to let her work on me, and I’m still on the fence. I figure I’ll see how the week goes.
She emails a few days later and says I “need” to come in on Friday afternoon. I instantly am both on guard and resentful because she is commanding me. And in the back of my mind, thinking about letting another woman touch me. It presents me with a threshhold that’s very difficult for me to will myself to cross.
On one hand, she could help me. I need healing. I find myself in a place where I am having dreams of future events yet can not heal myself.
But on the other…how many times have I sought healing from the very people who ended up hurting me?
I don’t know if this is about a leap of faith to help me overcome this and get what I need, or a test to see if I repeat the same mistakes.
The truth is, I haven’t decided yet. The truth is, I’ll probably let circumstances dictate themselves and go with the flow.
All the things I’ve recounted, was I really focused on these thoughts? Not really. It was something in the background of my mind I’ve been chewing on while my focus is on the intensity of challenges I am currently rising to.
But as I sit in this lounge over a beer, recounting my thoughts about this, I realize how true it is that there are so many things in life I don’t really care about, but I dedicate a lot of thought to and observe like a hawk.