Echo

To the end of a hell of a month.

12 : 29 : 12

Okay.

February 29th, 2012

Let’s try again.

I managed to get split in two.

I told the guy from Quanta, You wanna do business with, it’s eye for an eye. You took one of mine, now I want one of yours. Either give me someone or there’s nothing to talk about.

I’m too old for this shit.

Really?

Really???

Really?????

Today didn’t hold anything back. Like a dump truck. Coulda been worse, I guess. I need a vacation. I need time alone.

Sandra tries to stick to the story and Ryan’s letting it be known. They hella boned.

Fabulous.

He’s not even on this plane. But he’s somewhere. That’s what has been the hardest.

I find it so hard to reach out in this world. I have to tap someone.

Sat next to an old man in San Francisco today. He told me about this 80 lb dragon he’d bought for $5 from a garage sale that he’d once carried up four flights of stairs by himself. This was years ago when he was young. He’d recently given it to his neighbors who are chinese. It took two men to carry down a dragon he’d once carried up by himself.

The new year falls on an 11 day. Enter the dragon, beeyitch.

Make it work.
Let it ride.
If it’s bent over,
I will fuck it.

Happy new year

Someone once told me I’m the kind of girl who makes a guy think he’s made some mistakes in life.

He’s affected me so much because he makes me feel like I’ve made mistakes in mine.

What are promises, if they’re made in dreams?

I rarely project all of myself. Because if it was all of myself, I wouldn’t be projecting.

Some people settle down, but never find the one.

Some people find the one but never settle down.

Last week I had this dream that a bunch of people and I went to the Warriors game and then came back to have a slumber party at my parents’ house, but in the dream their house was like a Tahoe lodge. We were hanging out and suddenly this customer/prospect was in the room and I was like, “Why are you here?” and it was really bizarre because he completely didn’t belong there, like I knew that everything (and everyone) in the dream came from my mind, but here was this person that my mind didn’t project and it shocked me awake. I remember the sky was just getting light outside. I was kind of disturbed because I’d only met him once at a trade show, and we’d exchanged some emails about GPU systems months ago but I hadn’t talked to him since and hadn’t thought of him AT ALL. I definitely hadn’t thought of him the day before or anything so I couldn’t figure out why he would be in my dream.

I wondered if maybe it was a sign from the universe that this guy was ready to order so now was the time to follow up. So I wrote him an email saying happy new year. He wrote back immediately saying it’s funny that I happened to write because he was JUST thinking about me that morning. He’s 3 hours ahead, so his morning time would have been right around the time I woke up from that dream. I think his thoughts incepted him into my mind.

I sent those feelings to space. I’ve been over it for months now.

All night last night…emotional flatline. Didn’t feel anything. Don’t ask me where those feelings went. They’ve been detached from my body. Like I said, I sent them to space

Until my coworker’s wife had some drinks and started badgering me, about why I even came (to support a friend) and how much it must hurt. I said I didn’t care and she’s talking about how much she would be hurting etc and I’m getting upset because why’s she digging like that? This wedding ain’t the place.

So I left. Last night wasn’t about me. I didn’t want any drama.

I thought I was going to die, Christmas Eve. I realized what scared me most out of all the different ways it was scary, was the fear of losing control. I realized it’s time that is the line that keeps us thinking there’s a beginning, middle and end, but it’s the continuity tying together strings of perpetual moments.

It’s so easy to leave what’s real. It’s so easy to come back to what’s reality. Sometimes you insist reality, sometimes reality insists. Sometimes things are not what they appear. Sometimes they are exactly as they appear.

My mind is my life. It’s where I live. Some people expect to find a person but discover a mind. It’s a computing thing. But you can still make accommodations. Makes me think people are projections. Or maybe I am. Either way, hard to get to know, hard to occupy the same space.

I don’t always know what’s going on with me but I do what I do. And like everyone else, I’m surviving.

Just do your best.

My words have color from emotions. There leaves no doubt as to the level I feel things.

Big day tomorrow.

So I’m up late reading this:

Reddit, tell me your “glitch in the Matrix” stories
byu/superunhappyfuntime inAskReddit