Echo

Brian told me that he’s got a half day today, so I got jealous that it’s beautiful outside and I have to work all day.

So I called in my boss’ assistant into my office and told her that we’re gonna get a half day. She said she tried already by telling him that the building management company is only working a half day today.

So I just walked into my boss’ office to “tell” his assistant that I heard from one of the girls in the office next door that the building is turning off the air conditioner at 1pm. My boss said that if it gets too hot, we’ll all just leave early.

So I just bumped our thermostat up to 80.

Am I evil?

This week I decided to start eating all of the random things we have in the house. I’m convinced that we’ve got a shitload of food in the house, but nothing that we can actually eat. Like tomato paste. We have lots and lots of tomato paste.

So one of the reasons I decided to do this was because my credit card bill was a little ridiculous last month. I mean, I usually pay off my credit card bill completely at the end of each month, but I saw this one and it basically swallows my salary. So I said, dude, you need to chill and eat at home so you don’t run out and do crazy shit like that this month, too.

The first thing I did was go shop at Whole Foods to completely defeat my purpose. I’ve been craving going to Whole Foods for a week now, ever since I bought these two plums that were mindblowingly good. I haven’t had a plum like that since I was a little kid. The key is to put them in the fridge so they get really cold. So anyway, I get some carrots (real ones, not those slimy precut and peeled ones that look like little carrot penises), zucchini, some organic diced tomatoes and a sweet onion. I realized when I left the store that I forgot to get fresh herbs or kale. I considered stopping by Bristol Farms which is on my way home, but then I couldn’t bear the thought of pulling out my credit card again.

I started by sauteing some chopped garlic (about 3 cloves) and sliced onion in olive oil, then adding cooking sherry. I let that mixture get almost blackened before I added the diced tomatoes, chopped zucchini and carrots, and some random herbs from my rack that are like 7 years old and make me sad and embarrassed that I didn’t have anything better.

I opened a can of tomato paste and put that in, then splashed in some water. I added kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper. I let that cook while I rinsed out a bag of quinoa and put it in chicken broth to cook. You know what the annoying thing is when I cook, outside of never writing down recipes or remembering how to make the same thing twice? I don’t really measure, so I end up pouring entire bags of rice or pasta or whatever when I cook. It’s just easier that way. That’s why I end up making too much stuff that I have to eat for a week straight–because I can’t seem to bring myself to measure.

I let the quinoa cook while the other thing (what? stew? I don’t know) was simmering. I added some organic frozen corn that Brian had in the freezer. I went to add the chicken as well, but I found it nowhere near in a defrosted enough condition to join the stew. I was still determined to use up some of our frozen mystery meats, so I microwaved a few burger patties and then broke them up inside the stew. I let that simmer until I got bored and the quinoa was cooked. Then I ate it and it was totally good.

Hooch called Brian to talk about our 4th of July plans, and I heard Brian say, “What’s your great idea?” I immediately yelled, “Nope, absolutely not.” Brian looked at me and asked if I had been able to hear what she said. I said, “No, but whatever it is, I’m not interested.” Brian said that Hooch wanted to bring over some lobsters and kill them in our house. Absolutely not.

I bought this Pure Pomegranate juice from Whole Foods last week and it’s nasty. I mean, I can eat and drink almost anything, but it’s pretty nasty. I’ve been drinking it faithfully every night because I’m enchanted by its purported antioxidant powers, but I just couldn’t compel myself to physically drink it today, even though I really did want to. I stood there for a while, caught in this quandary, before I suddenly realized that I could try cutting it with orange juice. I don’t know why I never thought of that. I think it never occurred to me because I’m such a random calorie Nazi, so I rarely let myself drink juice. But just to finish the report, it was good and I’m glad I did it.

This week has been amazing, continuing probably the most amazing month of my life. The only way I can describe it is how college graduation should have felt, if I had only let myself relax and truly enjoy that time in my life. This is what I’m thankful for, that I was still blessed with a chance to experience that feeling, rather than living a life overshadowed by regret over having missed that experience.

To follow the spur of the moment trend, today I was invited to Hawaii. I didn’t hesitate to say yes. I waved my boss into my office and had him sign a contract that sealed a partnership between us and another company. I brought in this partnership myself. He was very happy and shook my hand, and as I was shaking his hand, I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve decided I’m not going to take a month off work. But I am going to take three days in two weeks to go to Hawaii.” He said, that’s great news. Take whatever you want. I let him know that I also thought 12 vacation/sick days total a year was very stingy, especially since I’ve been at the company for 4 years. He gave me 2 extra days.

Well, I would say at least for now, the universe is letting me have life by the balls. I know it won’t last, but I have to say, for now, it’s definitely been very interesting.

I am basically almost done with my Vegas pilot, and I will have no trouble finishing it. However, the final scripts are due tomorrow because the instructor submits his grades on Wed. I’ve decided that I’m not going to submit mine because my theory is he’s gonna give me an A anyway. My theory is that he doesn’t give a shit about our class, so he won’t even notice I didn’t submit mine. I’m okay with the consequences if I’m wrong (failing the class), but it will probably make me more sad to find out that I’m right. Then the good news will be, a person like this will have never read my script while it’s still vulnerable in terms of rights.

Well, to the three of you who still read this thing, friend or foe, thanks for listening. My life hasn’t been this fun and carefree since 2004. I hope to keep you entertained, and to teach you things that help expand your horizons and make you think about your place in the world and the wide reaches of your consciousness. After all, I am just a mirror of you, as your echoes are of me. I hope to teach you about believing in yourself, and to not have fear in challenging the boundaries of your reality. And most of all, to love fiercely. If you don’t truly know what that means to be wholeheartedly consumed by that state of action, then you still have work to do, because the experience of that life force in unadulterated form will be the turning point of your life.

“Those who abandoned their dreams, will try to discourage yours.”

There are a lot of these types of people in this world, and many of them don’t even realize that they do this, since their own loss and self-denial takes place at such a deep level. The more convicted you are in following your path, no matter how risky or outside of the norm, the more these people will be drawn to you, often crushing your spirits and ambitions as if their life depended on it. But in a way it does. Because if you succeed in following your path that’s off the beaten road, it means that their whole lives of playing it safe and denying their inner voices may have been a lie, and a wasted life is the hardest thing for a human being to face.

Be mindful of these people, but don’t engage them. Just know that when they come out of the woodwork, it is because you are following your path, and let their discouragements and projected fear give you more strength and perseverance in being true to yourself. At the end of the day, you have only yourself to answer to, so make sure whatever you have to show and say to yourself is something you can live with and derive pride from, not what others can live with and feel safe with.

What makes you unique is what makes you strong, and what makes you strong brings you closer to your own personal Truth and purpose. Don’t let the weakness of others prevent you from expressing your true greatness.

Year of Fearless Living Party Train – Weekend #5

This weekend was more mellow than last weekend’s DJ Shadow show at the Hollywood Bowl, but it marked the first time I went up to the bay area without telling my parents, who love to monopolize me if I’m in town.

I spent the weekend in San Francisco visiting Candice and Aubrey and celebrating Simar’s birthday. This was a completely spontaneous trip as I booked my ticket on Tuesday to leave Friday after Aubrey suggested that I come up. That’s been my thing lately…if it sounds like a fun experience, I’ll do it. Along with my reverence to synchronicity–if I hear about a movie, book or place more than twice, I’ll explore it because I figure it must be significant. Like having a conversation about Sexy Beast one day, and then two days later, some people sitting next to me started talking about Sexy Beast (rented it). Or Rie telling me that I have to see this movie called Kamikaze Girls last week, and Simar and his roommate talking about the film this morning. I figure, it’s all input, and right now, I’m a sponge to the universe.

I landed late Friday after being delayed for an hour on the runway, because SFO had issued a ground stop due to low cloud cover. We headed over to a wine bar (SF loves its wine bars) for tapas and strong drinks. I noted that men are better looking in San Francisco.

Saturday we headed to a place called Mama’s for breakfast, which is known for its hour-long line and amazing eggs benedict with toppings such as shrimp and crab & avocado. We stopped by a store specializing in whiskey and scotch, where the employees all greeted you wearing kilts and were quite knowledgeable. I learned that some men prefer their scotch very peaty and so smoky that it’s chewy. We got Simar a bottle of 12 year Highland Park that’s supposed to be really chewy.

We caught a matinee of 1408 with John Cusack that was scary but lacked a well fleshed out theme and story, though the scene where Cusack goes ballistic on a mini-fridge was worth the ticket alone. I would have loved to have been there when they filmed it.

We had a quick dinner at a place called Street which specialized in house infused vodkas (fig, cucumber, black cherry, etc), where I had a lemon basil martini that was amazing, before heading over to Simar’s house for his party.

Simar lives in a 4 level townhouse with 4 bedrooms. He and his roommate make music for video games, so they have their office/den in the basement, then their bedrooms and studio on the 2nd floor, front door and more rooms on the 3rd, and living room/kitchen and huge balcony with an amazing view of the city on the 4th. I think my place is nice, but Simar’s place is ridiculous. It was like everywhere you went was another room or another floor to explore. I didn’t really know anyone but a soma, some vaporizer action and 3 beers had me people watching contently. At one point Simar was holding a cardboard box with “Fragile” written all over it. We asked him what was in it and he said, “Have you seen Se7en?” We said, is it Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, and he said it was a dead chick. We said, no seriously, what’s in the box. He said, a dead chick. Then he proceeds to tell us that one of his friends works in a lab that experiments on baby chickens, and she had sent him a dead chick as a joke. He took out this furry yellow chick that didn’t even look real, and then tried to get everyone to pet it. Truthfully, it kind of made me feel sick and sad, so I went upstairs and had a cigarette with some people on the balcony.

I must have passed out at some point laying in Simar’s bed and listening to the Barbarella soundtrack, because Aubrey came and woke me up at 4:30am and we went home.

We didn’t get up until close to 1pm, so our plan to hit a jazz festival was scrapped. We did hit a place called Cafe Gratitude which serves raw organic cuisine. I had the pad thai which was basically a salad with strips of zucchini serving as the “noodles” and a chocolate mint shake made with almond milk that was pretty awesome. I think when I stop partying non-stop, I wanna get serious about a strict organic diet combined with regular yoga or pilates. I think I would like to do that soon.

On the plane ride back, I tried to visualize what kind of man I want in my life right now, so I can be more specific when I put it out to the universe. I want someone strong, courageous and balanced. No more cowards and weak men. Someone I’ll recognize right away when he smiles at me. Someone with depth who will understand the things and messages that I’ve been getting and communicating. I want to meet the person I felt out there in 2004, whoever it is that I’m talking to in that poem I wrote during the rainy season that year.

Then I thought about Baron Davis and I thought, yeah, that would be fine.

Next weekend, I’ll be in Phoenix. This trip came out of the blue. I thought it and I booked it, all probably within a 2 minute span. How fitting that I’ll be traveling to a city named after the mythical creature symbolizing resurrection and transformation. Also, I am looking for someone who embodies the element of fire, so I’m excited to see what Phoenix has to offer me.

Today I woke up and felt gloriously strong and balanced. I have no doubt that at this time in my life, I’m stronger and more able to take care of myself by trusting my inner voice and listening more carefully in a way that distinguishes the voices of playful danger-loving curiosity, and the voices of good care.

I had two interesting encounters yesterday, one that will potentially help me move forward on my path, and one that revealed itself to be one that will attempt to hold me back in the same negative patterns from years ago. The latter I feel was a challenge, to see if I’ve truly learned my lessons over the years and grown, or if I can be toppled with the same negative interactions and gameplaying from other people. I think I’m very clear on what I need to do with each, and that’s the reason I feel so good today.

Sometimes people are so busy playing defense and making sure they get what they think they want, that they never notice the people around them and what they are truly saying, or what those people even want, because what they want may not be what you assumed. The key is to listen, rather than play off assumptions that create miscalculations. And then when you don’t get the results you want within your relationships and you don’t understand why, you’re miserable and assume that life just likes to throw you lemons or people always let you down. Truthfully, you do it to yourself and you know it. You just don’t feel a need to work for anything or change, because if you get results from minimal effort and tantrum throwing whenever things threaten to change, and then blame external circumstances or other people when things go south, why would you put in any work when you can manipulate from the comfort of your living room couch? This is just lazy and a guarantee for a person to never experience truly fulfilling and rewarding relationships in their lives. Cowardess is not an appealing cologne. So don’t wear it.

It’s not my job to fix other people or even be a friend to them if I can’t feel without a doubt that I’m getting something beneficial back in return. For example, Reggie has a friend that I really don’t like. He tells Reggie that Reggie’s a good friend because he never asks him for anything. I get mad whenever Reggie talks about this, because he’s proud of this fact, but he doesn’t read the subtext. The subtext is that this person is happy that Reggie is there for him whenever he needs him at a moment’s notice, and he likes the fact that he has to put in no effort because he’s in a situation where he has to give nothing or just the minimal effort back for maximum reward. That’s bullshit.

A beneficial relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic partnership, is a two way street. For balance, everything is mutual–support, understanding, level of commitment to growth, faith, and positive regard. For someone to ask for a friendship when they aren’t prepared to give back anything is an immature and self-centered notion. Shame on them. And if you are on the receiving end of this type of silly proposal, if you are a person who respects yourself in any way, you should never agree to such a ridiculous arrangement. You don’t need that kind of thing in your life.

I’m on my way to San Francisco to see Aubrey and Candice, and to celebrate Simar’s birthday. Have a great weekend everyone!

One of the hardest thing to know is when to fight for the things you want. On one hand, you recognize that if you’re overextending yourself, you have to ask yourself if this is something you actually need in your life that is beneficial, or if you’re chasing something that is actually the manifestation of an internal issue that you have to work on. On the other hand, this could also be a challenge for you to live outside of your comfort zone, to have courage for better or worse, through good outcomes and bad, to trust yourself to take care of yourself and find the path that most benefits you.

Fear gets in the way of everything and clouds your judgment, or makes you avoid the things that you need to be doing. On the other hand, it keeps you away from places you shouldn’t go that might be negative or dangerous for you.

I think right now, the challenge I’m working on is being able to quiet myself, until the only voice I hear is my own, and to trust it, no matter what it says. I hope it all works out.

Work Update

Our outgoing email has had issues for two and a half weeks. Random emails won’t make it to recipients. What company can’t consistently send outgoing emails for two and a half weeks? I got reamed by a customer today who was angry that I never responded to his emails (I had written 3 responses on Thursday) and when I told him that we’ve been having outgoing email issues, he said, “That’s weird” like he obviously didn’t believe me and told me this was a great way to lose customers.

I got really irritated because this is my reputation. I work really hard to respond to everything that’s directed at me, and it pisses me off when people don’t realize that and think I’m dismissive.

I kind of went off on one of my bosses (I kept it cool and analytical, but I was pretty mad) that it’s incredibly unprofessional of a company to not be able to send outgoing mail for two and a half weeks, and that needing to fax all responses is ridiculous (what is this, the 90’s?) and inefficient.

That was the most passionate moment of the day. Otherwise, I did my usual–filled out orders, forwarded emails, returned calls, etc. Woke up and realized I had not only fallen asleep at my desk, but had been dreaming. Put my chin on the window ledge and stared longingly out the window. Thought about taking off my shirt.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/westmidlands/series2/robot_man_cyborg_machines.shtml

The hardest thing to live with in life is regret.

Every 29 years, we go through this thing that’s called a Saturn return. This is where Saturn returns to the position it was in when you were born, after it’s taken a tour through every aspect of your life and being, teaching you lessons and making you stronger and more disciplined. When Saturn completes its cycle, you go through a period where you evaluate who you are at this point, what you’ve done with your life. You look at if you have been living the life you want and have become the person you want, or if you’re living a life that doesn’t belong to you or is untruthful. If you have been doing the things that move you along your path, you’ll feel good, and this period is a proud and celebratory one, like a major graduation. If you haven’t, you’ll realize that your life has been one disappointment and regret after another. Some people refuse to look at it, so after the Saturn return, they go through another 29 years of numb living, collecting regrets and disappointments that they may or may not be conscious of.

Aubrey read an article somewhere saying that statistically, suicide rates are high amongst people going through their 2nd Saturn return (around ages 58 to 60), though statistically, rates are highest amongst people 65 and older. The article said that this is because by the 2nd return, if you haven’t dealt with things well during your first return and set yourself consciously on your true path, then by the time it comes around again, you’ll review your life and realize that you wasted it and you didn’t live up to your full unique potential.

Sometimes I see people and I see that they’ve ignored the signs that direct them to their path and their place of ultimate self-expression. They walk around numb or angry or bitter, but always refusing to admit that in truth, they have full access and ability to take control of their lives and fulfill themselves with the reality that would make them the most content. Often they take this power (this choice) for granted, and when the universe takes away their ability to choose, when it deals them the bad life-changing cards that are inevitable and binding, they realize what a blessing they’ve squandered. This is a missed opportunity that you can never rewrite, revise or redo.

Pay attention, people. That’s all I ask. If you’re unhappy, ask yourself why, and ask yourself if you have the ability to change your situation. Then be truthful with yourself about fear–if you are afraid of changing your situation, then ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and if this is a beneficial and protective fear, or if this is one that is irrational and hindering you. Let in the people you should trust, and keep out those who you know just allow you to continue an unhappy experience, even though you may prefer that because it makes you feel safer.

We are here to live life, encouraged to make the mistakes that allow us to grow and let in the mentor connections that point us towards the right direction. When we resign ourselves to embodying the idea that our past mistakes compound more mistakes and at the end of the day, we’ve lost our chance to live the life we’ve always wanted to live, then basically, we are just waiting for the day that our dreams and potential actually die, so we can miserably say, “See? It was never an option for me.”

When I’m gone, I hope people say, that person made every effort possible to live her life and realize her potential, to bring positive energy, understanding, compassion and unconditional positive regard to those around her, to learn from her mistakes and set a dignified example, to stumble but always stand up, and to commit to always trying her hardest and to hope for the best, because hope is the life force that keeps us expanding and growing. I hope no one ever says that I gave up, in any way, even when giving up was the easiest decision to make. I hope that people will remember that message of my life, and it will give them the strength to make the most out of their lives, and together, we can all help each other become stronger, more positive and more open with each other.

You can’t help having regrets and disappointments; it’s a part of life and the growing process. Just be aware, that if you’re in the midst of creating a future regret but refusing to admit it, ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to do this and setting up this kind of future, and if this is something that you really want to burden the future you with. Be kind to yourself, because 2 months from now, 2 years from now, 20 years from now, there won’t be a new actor playing you. It’ll still be you, and whatever you put into play now, you will be the one who’s gonna have to deal with it later. So just be conscious and be kind, and do the things that take good care of yourself.

just because you deny the presence of fear, doesn’t mean you haven’t still given it power over your life.

live outside of your comfort zone.

you just might find that it’ll change your life.

So Brian just got back from Europe and he told me that he and a bunch of coworkers were sitting on a train and there was a lady from Rancho Cucamonga who kept talking to them about everything–politics, Governor Arnold, living in California, etc. At one point, she leaned close to them and said, “I really don’t like Orientals.”

I asked Brian if there were a lot of Asian people on the train which made her bring it up and he said, not really. It was just completely random.

Good to know that we don’t even need to be present to affect people.

If I had no fear, I would go. I would go now. I would explain to work that I need to take a month off, no questions asked, and I don’t know if I’ll be back. Then I would go to wherever it is I should go. I’ve started plans for the first leg. In two weeks. Phoenix. Remember Seattle? It was the best weekend of my life. And you know why? Because I was free. Because no one knew where I was and I was free to be myself without anyone watching.

I would like to do that again. I have someone I trust who will anchor me. I know the rules–watch out for strangers, and be careful of anyone trying to follow you home. Appear to be with a crowd. Beware of who you make eye contact with and keep an eye out for who’s watching you. Play it safe, but take advantage of the opportunities, and most of all, listen to everything.

You do only live once as yourself.

I would love that. To travel this country at whim, and the only way to find me is here.

Agenda for the Year of Fearless Living

1. Dance more. Both publicly and privately.
2. Meet new people with great smiles and fascinating stories.
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Successfully drive to the basket (and finish) without having an ounce of fear in regards to my knees.
5. Train like a professional athlete.
6. Spend money like water
7. Tell people that I like to cuddle without immediately following up with the dismissal, “I know that sounds gay. “
8. Enjoy the company of others
9. Finish what I start
10. Does there have to be a ten? I feel like if there’s a ten, I would be compelled to stop at ten, to make this a nice even list of ten. But even if I had other things that I wanted to accomplish, I would push those to the back of my mind until they no longer existed, just so I could have a nice even list of ten to post. Which would make this a skimpy year of fearless living, and deep down, I would always feel like I cheated myself out of something important, and I would probably live out my life in extreme passive-aggressive resentment at myself. But thankfully, there isn’t a ten, so therefore, I can have as many action points as I want. So anyway…
11. Travel more. Particularly to places where I feel that people are warm.
12. Never be afraid of walking away from something or someone if I know it’s not what I want.
13. Learn to play the piano.
14. Don’t be shy about singing.
15. If you like someone, tell them. Because it’s not committal, it’s just a compliment.
16. Tell Baron Davis that he completes me.
17. Don’t be afraid of not answering the phone or being MIA. Those who matter know I always come back.
18. Have fun. Have fun being myself and being ecstatic about that, even if my current urge for expression is to go to Costco for an economy size tub of non-dairy creamer, and spend the entire weekend lighting it on fire.
19. Consider how the fact that you always switch between first person and second person narration could be too revealing of the fact that in your head, you have two personas who have a ball talking to each other, and sometimes like to complete each other’s sentences.
20. Fall in love with the sound of my own typing all over again.
21. Start my own business the right way without worrying about my capabilities. I can deal with the issues that crop up as they come. I just need to trust my resourcefulness.
22. Truly understand that I am not responsible for people just because they love me.
23. Meet someone who takes my breath away.

I had an amazing conversation today with a woman who is very deep and intuitive. I was very honest in discussing my life at this point and the things I was happy about and unhappy about, and she gave some very good insight that really jived with how I feel about my life at this point.

I have deemed this the year of living fearlessly. I want to be able to be truthful with myself about the things I want out of life, the people I want to surround myself with, the experiences I want to collect. I want to explore avenues just because they’re open, and because the open ones are the only ones I should be following at this point in my path.

You want to know what happened that day when my past and future collided into the present and ripped open a psychic portal, and for one small window of time, I was completely conscious? It was like taking a leap off a cliff that day with the expectation that I was solely responsible for figuring out how the hell I was gonna land. Then to my surprise, I found a good friend waiting at the bottom to catch me. And the rest? I wanted to spend time with the friend to show my appreciation, but he seemed really distracted and I felt like there were a lot of other things I wanted to explore and accomplish. So I left, because I didn’t want to sit around while my life passed me by. But it’s okay because even if I see that friend again later, I’ll still be happy to see him.

I am going to travel to somewhere where there’s rain. Warm rain. I don’t mind cold rain, but I think I’m in the mood for some warm rain and catharsis.

If people can tell that a person has a true understanding of love in its deepest sense, they always want to get close to it. If you feel you have that kind of capacity to love others in the deepest sense, you should never allow just anyone into that private space.

Noon on Wednesday? Sure, We Can Start Drinking!

With ambivalence, I have to report that the situation at my workplace continues to deteriorate. Our office has turned into a daycare, as everyone with a daughter brings them in and we have arts and crafts strewn all over our breakroom and bullpen. Yesterday, they closed down our breakroom as they turned it into a makeshift screening room for Cinderella 3. The only way we can get these kids out of the office so we don’t have to hear them screaming, is to convince them to open a little stand on the first floor selling water balloons.

I was by the vending machine earlier today when my coworker brought what looked like a tallboy wrapped tightly in a plastic bag and discreetly slipped it into the back of our fridge. I looked over and he said, “Just hiding my beer.” I said, “Are you serious?” He said, “Dead serious.” I told him I was gonna open it and he said, “Just don’t drink it.” I know he’s joked before that he drinks 2 beers throughout the workday, but I never thought he was serious. Indeed, by mid-afternoon, I noticed the beer was gone.

I still have the little baggie of Xanax he gave me. He said it’s the only way to get through the workday and put up with our boss. I haven’t touched it, but sometimes I wonder…at what point does this place completely lose touch with reality?

Just days ago, I thought it was kind of funny. Now the state of my workplace is kind of freaking me out.

I think tomorrow I’m going to close my office door, and strip down to only my bra and underwear, then work that way until someone finds me. This office desperately needs a cry for help, and I am willing to be the one who makes that sacrafice.

I have been reluctant to bring in any of my writing to my writing class, including not coming to class for 3 weeks. I finally brought in the first 15 pages of my pilot and we did a round table read. As usual, I was listening just to the mistakes and things I wish were stronger, but the instructor said it was great and there were no changes he could think of.

And then I realized why I complain about him and don’t trust him as an instructor. He gives other people notes, but he has never really given me any. He keeps saying that my stuff is great. And I don’t trust that.

Sometimes I don’t understand things. Like not trusting my instructor, for example. Is it because it scares me to think that my writing might be good? Or am I afraid that, if he isn’t successful himself at recognizing good writing, then basically my writing is also mediocre. I think sometimes thoughts are too complex for me, and so I just ignore them.

My burning question of the week has been…is it really possible that people can maliciously manipulate others, just to get them to stay, even if they know that what they are doing can actually destroy these people’s lives? It’s hard for me to accept that people can willingly destroy people that they supposedly love.

I had this dream last week where I got mad at this guy from my writing class, like I finally blew my top and just yelled that I was going to kick his ass and chased him around this park. He tried to run back into my house and close the sliding door, but I got my hand in it and screamed that he wasn’t locking me out of my own fucking house, and to get the fuck out. I realized that I hate cowards.

The coolest thing I’ve been trying to teach my brother is courage. The hardest thing is restraint.

living a fulfilling creative life requires many things. a great love, comes to mind. a burning passion for understanding. a dire unfulfilled spiritual need. a secret drug habit. an unrecovered memory of tragic abuse. or even something small, like a sound or a smell or an image you just can’t get out of your mind. regardless of what you need, creativity is your life force and if you close it off, you suffocate everything within you that is truthful.

as i listen to the people around me, i am afraid of what they are communicating because sometimes i hear too much. so i distance myself, and say things that dictate the conversation in a distracting way. but sometimes i wonder what i would hear if i just listened, and wasn’t so afraid of hearing too much of the inner echoes of the people around me.

i heard a story today about a girl with low self-esteem who gives her body away in hopes that one day, someone will love her. i am convinced that she doesn’t know what love is. and the people who see this weakness in her are compelled to behave in the most cruel fashion possible, as if to punish her for her lack of awareness. i wonder what it is that she represents that terrifies and angers these people so much. maybe we hate weakness and desperation in others because we secretly loathe it in ourselves.

when i think about it, when a person goes through some pretty dark experiences in life, no matter how radiant their personality, the projection never changes the fact that their inner core is still a deeply guarded secret. and from the discipline of having to maintain and protect this secret, a person gains an aura of intensity.

does being around each other make us each more afraid of commitment? i think so.

Spankfest = Morning After of Overwhelming Shame

Well, Spankfest 2007 came and went, carrying with it the rising trend of actual spanks versus the previous mission statement of posing for spanking pictures only, and leaving me a with a sore ass this morning and a black hole where my dignity once was.

Things I learned this year:

1. I have very good alcohol tolerance. After talking for weeks about my low tolerance for alcohol, I discovered that I don’t have a low tolerance as much as the fact that very little alcohol (about 1/4th of a drink) will get me drunk, but after that I can handle my alcohol pretty well. Case in point–2 red bull/vodkas, 6 kamikazes and 1 vodka shot last night. I was still upright and fairly coherent. The key is to stick to the same type of drink. This ranks as the second most alcohol I’ve had in one night. No throwing up, though still drunk the morning after.

2. I am very, very affectionate when I drink. I think that’s my natural state. I like to touch people. It makes me happy.

3. I think my natural disposition is one that is outgoing. At some point in my life, I became shy. I still maintain that I can be shy not from a lack of confidence, but from a lack of trust in others in some situations.

4. I have a designated driver every year, but what I need is an Underwear Exposure Wrangler. I am very, very embarrassed for the number of times I exposed my bare ass and my underwear, particularly on camera. Luckily, the circulating cameras mostly belonged to me, so I have relative control over what is released. Pictures will be destroyed, for sure. I’m pretty pissed at myself for my love of showing off my underwear.

5. Spankfest is my favorite event of the year.

6. I have great friends.

I don’t think you guys fully understand how kooky my office is.

Today I strolled in 10 minutes late, listening to my Ipod. I didn’t take it off for the entire day, outside of unplugging my left earphone so my telephone headpiece could be put on, and when I discovered that it’d be easier to plug my ipod into my computer speakers. Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like an animal? I think everyone in the bullpen wants to hear this one.

The first thing I say to my coworker is, “Holy crap. Whoever invented boxer briefs is a genius.”

He asked me if I was wearing them and he wanted to see so I unbuttoned my pants and showed him. He said, nice. My wife likes those. I told him that if they go to Urban Outfitters, they have some really cute ones with nice designs.

Throughout the morning, we talk about my upcoming birthday party. One coworker says he’s even going to take off his rings when he spanks me, but I might have to sign a waiver. I told him that he was responsible for my other coworker coming, but our other coworker is flaky. We both decided the best way to get him interested in coming was to tell him that my female friends are all models and porn stars, who are slutty and drink way too much. So I did and he said he was definitely in. He asked me if I was serious, and I said, if I’m lying, I’ll let you spank me. My coworker said he was going to spank me anyway, but then he was going to put a size 12 in my ass. My other coworker (who’s black) said, 12?. You don’t wear 12’s. I wear 12’s. I said, “What else is 12?” He got embarrassed, then said, don’t ask questions you aren’t ready to hear the answers to.

At lunch, some coworkers and I had a nice long discussion about birth control pills and its affects on acne and your menstrual cycle as our tech support guy quietly ate his salad.

I walked back from an hour and a half lunch spent at the DMV to find my coworker looking through an issue of Playboy. I asked him if that was the one Amanda Beard was in. He said yeah, and I said that I wanted to see her pictures. So he wants to look through the centerfold first, and he tells me what about her works and what doesn’t turn him on. We both agreed we prefer dark eyes versus blue eyes. We looked at the pictures of Amanda Beard. He said she had a nice butt. I said she’s pretty but she looks like she would be a really mean soccer mom.

After work, in the elevator to the parking garage, I talk with my boss about how it’s going with he and his wife trying to conceive.

Add in the fact that yesterday, we were all talking about if small hands and feet correlated with penis size and my coworker brought up a picture of a huge penis bearing a man that he and his wife had an orgy with over the weekend, I really feel that if this company were ever to create an HR department, we’d probably eat those people alive.

Dear God,
Thank you for June 14th.